Anxiety, love, therapy and plane rides

So its finally has happened. My boyfriend is on his way home. State side. I am flying out around 3:30 to see him. He is making me come to him and not waiting like last year. I feel like something with in him has really changed.

But I say that because I want to believe that. During my therapy session my therapist could tell that I was utterly nervous and anxious and angry and just every sort of emotion one can feel all at once. I haven’t been myself the last couple of days. He was concerned because I was showing sings of anger towards strangers and my behavior was all over the place. I could tell in his face that he was like what the fuck is up with this woman here today? I am usually cool calm and collect and I am thorough with my words when I speak. Today I was jumbled and I was speaking too fast. I was trying not to cry but smile because I am scared and excited to see my love even though we have been through a lot. My therapist says that it seems like I am in a domestic violence relationship minus the actual physical abuse but more mental. He is correct but I ‘know how to just walk away because I don’t want too. I don’t want anyone else to have my boyfriend but me. I am being selfish but fuck.

I know I went to him for a reason was for  my eating disorder but my boyfriend has fucked me up as well. And I know the first step to full recovery is to let things like that go but he is my everything. I don’t want to start over with someone new because I just don’t want too. I do love him with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But his actions are negligent towards our relationship that its the thought that I want him to actually change for us to better US as a whole. I don’t think he fully understands that what he has done to me has really messed me up inside.

I should be sleeping but I just can’t do that. I have even caught up on my school work for us to spend time together and took time off from work for this. I need to see him. 6 months is far too long and more power to the men and women who see their loved ones overseas like this for 18 months at a time. Its insane.

I also the last couple of months have been avoiding my friends that I do have at all costs because I just have been studying and trying to stay focused on my schooling. I want to keep up these good grades. Granted it would be nice to take time off from that but I am so damned close to the finish no way I am backing off now. Also I hate seeing women that I know on Facebook being like oh I am a student with kids and you should be proud of me. I boast about my accomplishments on Facebook too but its also the fact that I don’t need a child to actually BOOST it for me. I am doing this for me and maybe for my future children to see me already being successful before they came because I want them to be comfortable and not see me struggle.

I want a better life. I want to be happy. I have been sleeping on my fucking couch because I don’t like sleeping alone. My bedroom is a war zone with shit. I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should have and its embarrassing. My boyfriend is going to see this and he is going to be ashamed. I know it. He loves me but he shows it so differently. I hope that he is on that plane thinking of US and not thinking about going back on those fucking sites like badoo and meetme and Tinder. I will die. He cannot be doing this anymore.

I told my therapist that I had started writing him a letter about how his actions have hurt me. I did start it but I haven’t finished it. I feel like I get too overwhelmed and I am going to miss something along the way. I know that if I tried to say something to him verbally the words wont come out right. He will get mad at me he always does because he doesn’t want to be in trouble for his actions. He can never take full responsibility for them. He never does and that is the killer here.

Like he got angry that he added one of my hot friends and she deleted him because I told her that the only reason he sent her a request was because I made the mistake of telling him that she was single. She deleted him and blocked him and he blamed me thought that I was the one who hacked into his account. He legit got pissed at me for something she did on her own. Also I caught him because she screen shot him sending her a message about it and I was upset that why would he go out of his fucking way to ask her? His response was “well if you want to know something ask.” well I guess that is true but you shouldn’t have sent her the request in the first place knowing that you guys aren’t really friends. My friend said it was a mistake and she felt horrible. I am not mad at her I was mad at the situation. My boyfriend and I didn’t talk for an entire day then he apologized for being mad and we carried on like nothing ever happened. Makes me wonder who else he has been talking too. Also I find it convenient that the girl he cheated on me with (his brother’s gf) they aren’t together again it seems? Convenient I say because he is on his way home. Trust? Is there trust here? And to think his own step brothers gf. I am not pleased still to this day.

This is supposed to be the best day of my life. And all I want to do is hide.

I am trying

So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

Opinions are like assholes, we all have one. Just shit out of yours.

In the year 2015 I have seen a lot of things myself grow in the last 20 years. I am 26 years old and I feel utterly nervous for the future children that are being born as of right now.

We are living in a world that controlled by mass media, social networks and all the high powers of the internet. Parents throw a Kindle or a tablet in font of their faces, hand them cell phones to play with while shopping just to shut them up. Being entertained is one thing but to really close their mind to reality is scary. Children today are growing up to feel like they are too privileged to listen to authority, and take orders and be snarky an utterly rude to others while they hide behind their screens being the tough kid. All words and no verbal speech.Threaten to take away the wifi and see a major meltdown. What have we done? why is this being allowed here today?

Also having an opinion or view that is different then someone else and sharing it on a social media site will send so many people into a war fest that they think they have won the epic battle with words while in reality it is bashing others and not taking into consideration that, that other person has their right to feel what they did in the first place. Everyone has an opinion just like an asshole. But how about we let that person shit out what they want too with out you taking a fucking laxative? As I said we are hiding behind computer screens and cellphone thinking that nothing will touch you.

Growing up I was known as the person that always spoke their mind in a class room and had heated discussions with teachers which I gained some respect from fellow classmates. Now in 2015 I have been told I am cold heartless person for seeing a view on something aside from others and I am in the wrong. What is the difference from my views 10 years ago till now? Well here it is. 10 years is a long time and I have grown and matured enough to see the side of an argument as well as to think I have to write a 20 page essay in why I feel the way that I feel about something with a reference page and a cliff note attachment. People become so angry with you when you are not on the same page. I hate to pop your bubble but not everyone in this world is going to agree with you on every single thing you believe in.

I am all for a good debate really, but the fact that I am belittled and called a sad human being from a person who themselves is not the best one to be casting stones ( am being very nice to what I have verbally said to myself.) in the first place. It makes me shutter to think that these people think that they are the better ones than me because they used their words and tried talking a big game to me. Ok use all the words you want against me that is fine. Really. I don’t mind at all. I mind that you think that you are better than me because your view is better than mine. Not the case. Humans will always have augments  over the most petty things in life. So why stop now?

I am no longer using Facebook to share something that I have a belief in or something that I stand with. Why? because what is the point? I know how I feel about something and that is really is all that matters. I was whimsy and negligence and falling into that sewer of social media. I let my guard down and for that I am ashamed for. I am post here tonight because its a place that I can just share thoughts and feelings as an adult. And for Christ sake freaking spell check knows that Facebook is capsized. What is going on in this world?!

There really needs to be a break from all of this mass media and social networking. People have to make a date on their calendars to just away away put away their cellphones and tablets and be one with themselves. I told my boyfriend that we should both deactivate our accounts for a while when he is back from Antarctica and focus on what is important, us, our future and working, me finish up my second degree (why yes I added that in because of those who bashed me before whom never even obtained ONE this is a little jab at you for feeling utterly intelligent and making me feel like a horrible person and second guessing my own personal thoughts. Hows that for being a complete asshole?) and maybe planning a wedding and kids. Stuff that doesn’t have to involve the internet for once.

We are really missing the real aspects of communication with one another.

So news flash. I have an asshole. You have an asshole.

Just shit out of yours ok?

You can only learn so much and live

I have skipped an entire month but that is what I do at times.

I have a lot going on and I am going to be brash. I have been whimsy these last several months with my heart and with my mind. I am stuck in a place that I fear to run away from but I need to escape to breath. I have to learn to be on my own and figure out that maybe I should be alone for a long time. I cannot control other people but I can control my life.

And I need to get rid of some things that might look like the best thing that has ever happened to me but they are not. My heart has become black with hatred that I have bestowed on myself and it is not fair. What I have done to myself and others is shameful. I hate myself for it. I hate who I have become in the last several months since December of last year. I have been swept off my feet, caught in a web, and handcuffed to this shame. I am formulating an escape route and it is working out just fine.

My mother has pointed out to me that I am utterly cunning and sneaky when I have to be. Why yes I do considering the state that I am in, I have to be in order to save myself. I am going to admit it yes I am a selfish human fucking being. I am. I have been walked on, verbally, mentally abused, and I have taken shit from just about from everyone. Friends, coworkers, family, partners. I am so utterly tired of this bullshit. So, so tired. I am tired of this life I have been living and the lies and the manipulation. I know I am going to hell and some sort of bad karma is going towards my way for what I have done.

All in the name of feeling alive for once in my life. And it turns out, it is the biggest mistake you can possibly fucking make. When you lose judgement on yourself and then BAM …life happens and you feel more pain then love.

You can only learn so much and live.

Human Life

This happens more often then what people think. As I study psychology and become more self-aware of myself I have come to fully understand a lot more about my inner core.

I have been going through a lot since December if 2014 and that is not even mentioning personal reasons prior to this interaction that I have seemed to be now fully committed too.

I keep falling for the same things every single time. I think that I have established trust with someone who I KNOW isn’t worth it, and I KNOW they cannot be trusted period. So why do I keep putting myself in the same position, the same feeling of helplessness, the same feelings of blame, anger, depression. sadness, emptiness, and utter shame? I know that this person tells me things that I want to hear to use me and use my kindness against me. Why? Why do I keep allowing this to happen? I know that it is wrong, I have my friends and family see the pain that I am in constantly by this person’s negligence to fully be contingent of my feelings. That is not love, because I wouldn’t want my best friend to feel how I feel sometimes at the end of the day.

Now back to December of 2014. They say that things happen for a reason. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. I agree to this 110%

I have blogged about this encounter briefly before to which I will at some point in my life actually for once go into full blown detail about the most happiest events in my life. And I say that in just as well. HAPPIEST.

What I am coming around too is that it has taken me years of mental and emotional abuse from someone and even from myself to realize that I have so much potential in this world that I don’t need to feel like I want to run in front of a car while on a walk, or want to slam my car into a tree coming home late from work. I have also realized that I don’t need to keep swishing the empty bottles looking for the answers for my pain, and not fearing that there are monsters in my bed, when it has been both a part of me and someone else who I have loved for so long to make me feel this way.

Humans are a funny thing. We are creatures of here and now. We have so many ample opportunities to do a million different things, and million different opportunities to do nice, or hurtful and evil things to others. Some people in this world clearly lack empathy. It has been documented that we can actually be born with out having the clear understanding of empathy and just go about doing what they think is socially acceptable because they simply cannot feel anything else. Now that is sad believe me, I am personally, very emotional, kind, caring and deep individual. Considering I am a Capricorn.

I am just a scared human being. I am scared of the hurt that is both inside and what could happen on the outside to me that is. Life is scary and we cannot avoid it. I have the power to make myself happy and yet I am obviously going about it the wrong way.

To sum it up I have by the end of August to make your brake.

33 Weird Thoughts Every Woman Starts Having In Her Mid 20s

These are very true and very funny!

Merry Christmas

So a little over three months since I have lasted posted huh?

So what can happen in three whole months? A lot. Which I am sure everyone is aware themselves from personal experience. I feel as though that my life was dealt this hand for a reason. Because there is someone that is trying to push me over the edge. For what reason? Is there an evil power out there that enjoys watching some people just cave in and just lose themselves to life? Can there really be a higher power so narcissistic enough to push and control someone enough to make them break.

I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years had been cheating on me for 5 years with his brother’s girlfriend. Mind you he said it was over then tries to make it up to me by buying me very expensive gifts to tell me that he loved me and was sorry and couldn’t stand the thought of not having me in his life etc. RIGHT.

What have I been doing? Drinking. Lots of it. And just about everything else that one can think of.. Trying to fully numb an ache that I had been trying to avoid for years living a nightmare that is actually is really true is hard to just let go. I am still in utter shock and in pain about the whole thing.

So in shock that I my pain is being numbed by someone else.

Have it boyfriend. Try me.

‘Hannibal’ new blooper reel plus season 3 scoop

There are some small things in my life that make me happy. And one of them is none other Thomas Harris’ talented writing skills and a brain I would love to pick for he has brought us Hannibal Lecter. Yes. I said it. I have been obsessed with this man since I was about 12 years old, The books are my bibles. I have 4 copies of Hannibal because it is my favorite book in the entire world. And now with the movies and a tv show Bryan Fuller a brilliant master mind himself has made me fall in love with a god damn cannibal. Mads Mikkelsen has made Doctor Hannibal Lecter a man you want to love and hate and eat at his dinner table. And it wouldn’t matter if its human or not. (I am open to try new things.)

So when my life gets a little hectic and I start to sink into a deep depression I always grab my Lecter Books and read or grab a movie. Now I grab my Kindle and watch the tv show. Season two came to an end and I was BAWLING. I will admit when the first season aired I was skeptic because It wasn’t going to follow along with the story. I have let my senses go and embraced the writers and the actors for them, I have a place to escape reality for a while and just listen and watch. Now we have Season 2 done and I am dying to get a hold of it on DVD September 16 cannot come fast enough to hold the case in my hand. Here is the gag reel that made me crack up tonight and I really needed it. I needed to laugh at this.
I am content. Thanks to a Cannibal. And I have n shame. No shame.

You Need To Let Yourself Fall

Being able to let yourself fall is the greatest thing that anyone can do. You learn from your mistakes you live and learn. I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen only to rise again and again. Whatever knocks you down get up. Sometimes you are allowed to be weak, you are allowed to sad, depressed and down right miserable. I am still learning and I am still here. This was a fantastic write.

On Having An Eating Disorder And Not Being Thin

I thought for a long time that I was hiding my eating disorder I thought that I was super smart about it. No. Not really. What people don’t know is girls (and guys) don’t have to be deathly skinny to have an eating disorder. I was doing it because I had (have?) no respect for myself. It is a battle that is for sure. I wish nothing but good health to those suffering.