More Valentine’s Woes.

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After having my small mini melt down earlier today I had to take a step back and breath.

I had to remember that 8 years ago today. I tried to commit suicide. I know not such a lovely memory is it ? Well its is a part of my past and it happened. I have the scar on my wrist to prove my ignorance. Over. Love.

I was 19. Depressed. Drunk. Lonely. My ex boyfriend was sending me nasty text messages that he never loved me and all that mean stuff one says.  I thought then that was it for me. I remember it through my drunken haze. The blood dripping cold of my finger tips hitting the floor of my living room. The awful scream my mother made when she found me. We have never talked about it. What is there to talk about? I cleaned up my mess and as usual apologized for my actions. Moved on.

I have moved on from my ex believe me. We are friends, civil and I wish him the best. What I haven’t moved on from, is that my ignorance and pain still haunts me. it will always haunt me because I bare the scars.

Now with my current boyfriend he doesn’t like this holiday period and thinks its stupid and hates it so much that he in away hates buying anything because its money to the businesses. I understand. I don’t ask for much. Do I like gifts? Yes. Of course who doesn’t? But I agree with him that I don’t need a fucking holiday to have him show me he loves me.

It is insane that things are the way that they are for  me. I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But here I am. And here I am living. That is something I should be more proud of actually. I was trying to end my life today 8 years ago. But here I am. Back in the house I tried. Trying to woo my boyfriend to hopefully put a ring my finger and make me his wife.

Its just the things I think of late at night when I have work in the morning and been drinking. Isn’t funny?

 

Jealousy and Loneliness

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So it is Valentine’s Day. Another year alone with out my boyfriend. I was doing all right. We talked last night for 4 hours, exchanged some photos that I just melted when I saw him. He laughed and asked deep questions that it seemed like we wouldn’t have asked each other over a year ago. It does seem that absence does make the heart grow fonder. Granted not everyone agrees with me that its ok for him to up and leave but who am I to stop him? I have been down this road with him before and we did our fighting and screaming. I have grown so much since his first trip to McMurdo Station and I have matured enough to breath. I can breath with out him here. I think that we have actually grown. Well to an extent. We have a lot to figure out.

 

Now that its 2016 and in September it will mark that we have been together for 8 years. Yes.8 years. Today I was being a Facebook stalker not doing my Anatomy quiz as I was sipping my coffee, Silence of the Lambs playing in the background in honor of its 25th debut anniversary I came across his ex-gf’s page. She got engaged. She got engaged to a man that she has been dating less than a year. My heart started racing as I started going through her public pictures of her engagement. Lovely. Stunning. Outdoors. So loving and tender I got angry. Why? They only dated 2 years. And that was so long ago. I have moved on from this. I set my coffee down and sat back. Looking down at my own hands I have two beautiful rings from him and a stunning necklace that he has gotten me. One ring for our 3rd year anniversary the other a smokey quartz for Christmas/Birthday when we lived in Colorado. None of these engagement rings. Just….a gift.

Maybe its because  I am a girl and growing up that is what you do, fall in love, you get married have a house raise children. I am 27 years old he will be 28 this wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted us to have been married a few years ago and and maybe had a baby on the way NOW. But. That was then. I am more than willing to wait on the children part. I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life and no one else. I am drawn to him and need him in my life forever. He is my best friend. My pain the ass. He makes me angry and cry and I scream. He makes me happy and loved and comforted and safe. We have a different type of relationship that seems to work for US an that is all that matters. Yes there are things we both have to work on and that is fine. I am willing to accept the changes and needs too as well.

Now that its time for him to embark home again I am gearing up for maybe a chance he will finally want to make the commitment…well…. Forever. If he already told me that he doesn’t want anyone else then lets make it legal. For several reasons. ONE. If something were to happen while he was down there he put his Father down. He knows and I know, that his father isn’t going to do shit. TWO. IF there was an emergency I have my passport to fly to him even in NZ. His father doesn’t. THREE. If I am the wife, I can be on his insurance as well as be up to date with things. Like stated before emergencies. FOUR. I can finally say HUSBAND and it sounds more stable than boyfriend if he is down there that it proves to people that we are committed to one another. And its also been long enough. I am not going to be 40  and then get married. He just thinks that its just a stupid piece of paper well yes and no but also its the fact that at the end of the day, I am your partner for life, and legally I have my spousal rights. I have him. He has me. We have each other.

I don’t know if I am utterly losing it or am I over thinking this or am I just a completely jealous girl friend? I don’t now anymore. He just needs to come home and I know him, he will leave for Antarctica again. If he does I want him to either leave with a ring on his finger or mine.

My luck with him its not going to happen.

 

27 going on extinct

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Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.

 

I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.

 

My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.

 

This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.

 

Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.

Yelling at myself silently in the bathroom tub

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I keep find excuses not to go to the fucking doctor like my counselor has advised me too because I don’t want to go through that experience again with the machines, the blood work, the notion that I am giving up my ED its so scary.

I know the difference between right and wrong. I am studying this and its something I don’t want to let go. Its mine. My own. This is my demon. I know there are others struggling too but. Its mine. I gained weight since being 117 pounds but I want to be that skinny again and I know how to do it. I need to get back into over exercising again, stop drinking and eating all together. I am eating to play face so I have to purge. I hate bulimia. Anorexia was so much easier I just didn’t eat. This is so difficult and I hate not being in control. Now its over eating and puking that is where I am gaining the weight and that does happen. I fluctuate from 120-135 so that really fucking bothers me. I hate that about myself. I have to be on the scale I have to know, I have to see I need to know why I hate my body so fucking much.

 

I am sitting on my bathtub rim wrapped in a towel hiding from my mother. Why? Because something inside of me knows that she has been a key component to my disorder as well as body image issues from my childhood as being and obese girl. I have had too many fits over my body then too that its not fair to be feeling this way.

I know that my relationship isn’t the best or the healthiest and I do mean that both ways. I have a lot to learn and I  just want to be left alone with my own devices. I shouldn’t have gone to seen the counselor it was a bad Idea.

 

No no its not you can do this.

I finally have broken down

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Just as the title says. I have finally broken down and started seeing a counselor. I am tired of feeling the way that I do, and in order for me to be a good counselor I need the right help.  I cried a good part of the morning before my evaluation. I wanted to back out but I knew deep down that I couldn’t because I wasn’t going to get anywhere. I knew that I had to do this for me, and live a happier healthier life. I cannot keep battling with myself and my ED anymore. Its been too long 8 years and going strong is something that no one should go through.

The session was good and I spilled out what I needed too, in order for my counselor to guide me. I know that we are going to evaluate my home life and my relationship and how I need to move on and gear myself up for my life without ED. I have to make a doctors appointment but I haven’t done it yet because I already have an outstanding bill with the walk in here from a few years ago when I tried getting help the first time. Stupid I know.

It has also been a long time since I have blogged. I have been really busy with school work and making good grades. Which is nice I want to make sure I am on top of things and being the best I can be. If medical school is in my future I need these grades to be top notch. My boyfriend is still down playing at the south pole so that is super fun. I have told him what I am doing he is happy but he doesn’t really understand the gravity of the situation. He is a main reason why I am there. Also my family home life is too. The way that I was raised and brought up isn’t helpful hence why I tend to stray and run away. Wonder if that will come up in my sessions or do I really have the capacity of neglecting to tell my counselor what i want to tell him? I think I do, but I also know enough to know what I can disclose and not. I can either make this simple and easy like he did his job or be like a regular client who has a lot going on. Which I do and it wouldn’t be fair to abuse what I have. But I also don’t want to really dig deep enough into my value system to break me further. What if I like what I have that keeps me slightly sane? I know it seems like I am being totally blunt and not rational but sometimes life leads us to have some sot of mystery. But I wonder how long can I keep it a secret or a mystery? Will something in my life become more than just a snare? I don’t know. I think that I put too much of an emphasis on what might make me feel upset versus reality or the gravity of the situation. Like I don’t like conflict and would much rather avoid it all together and ignore it and move on as long as everyone is happy then screw what I am dealing with. I know that I need not to feel this way but I have too.

Trying to study mental health has really made me more aware that my life was legit kind of fucking shitty. I feel that I am going to be one of those counselors that is going to be more brash and open. Reality Therapy seems great but also I enjoy Cognitive Therapy as well. But a lot of people need to be slapped into reality like hey guys this is NOW granted you have some inner turmoil that is dragging you down, that is ok, lets work on it. I got this. I feel as though that I want to work with people who feel as though they have nothing left to give, depression, ED, I had an interesting time with Family system because of my own personal experiences with my own family that is so fucked up I don’t even touch that barely scrape the surface on that topic please. If we were to seek help on that I am sure the therapist would put their hands up and walk away scattering paper work like “FUCK THIS I AM OUT.” and trust me my family life came into play with my session. I have a lot of anger towards my mother and a lot of reassessment and hate towards my brother for the way  I am belittled, degraded and made fun of all of my life. I have been verbally abused all of my life and I am making a difference by not associated myself from that. It is hard. Anyone that can associate with that knows. Its a bitch to deal with and I am being honest. I hated my teens. It wasn’t fun. I have a lot to work on and I am finally willing to do so. I am going to be 27 in a few days and enough is enough. I am tired, I am hurt, I am weak, I am frail. I am sick, I am just ready to breath freely of all this shit that is inside of me.

 

I have a lot of inner demons to face and I know its going to be a challenge but I am willing to try and face them and not back down. I have to do this. For myself. I guess what I am afraid of is losing my close friend, letting go of certain people if I have too although I see quite a good gain….we shall see. I am also trying to make sure I keep up to date with blogging I am making it a thing again that I try and write about my progress now. I know that they say writing can heal you. Lets see what happens next week.

Depression and lack of affection.

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Its kind of amazing what a human being call feel all at once. Basically my life so far has been work, school, avoiding certain people of this shit whole town, beer and cigarettes and wondering how long can I really last here? Being in this town has done nothing but drain me and and of my existence. Its already October and the leaves are so beautiful here and its getting colder which makes me more nervous for the winter season that is approaching. I have bad seasonal depression its scary. I know I should go see a doctor but I can’t. I have no money or health insurance.

I am trying to maintain a good friendship with my sister-inlaw. And I am still trying to work out a good healthy relationship with my mother but that in itself is a fucking war-zone party here. I keep thinking I am going to fail school but all of a sudden BOOM 90 on my essay that I cranked out in a matter of 4 hours and I have no idea what the hell I was talking about. I am lacking sleep and I feel like a zombie.

Went to the fair last night with my mother and I do have to say that it was fun, and we did enjoy ourselves. We have our days and its disgusting when she can be so fucking vial. And then she points at me. Wonder where I learned it mommy dearest? Calling the kettle black are we?

My boyfriend seems to be doing just fine alone with out me. Though he sends me sweet Facebook messages and calls me beautiful and he realized that he had made a mistake and that he really wants to marry me etc. Calls me beautiful almost every night. He just really doesn’t get it. I am still hurt and angry, livid he left me alone as usual. I am just all messed up. I am starting to panic that I can’t take this life anymore or the shit that he deals me. This is a real test of love if I can manage and survive without him.

I am getting heartburn because I am retarted and stressing myself out. I am tired been doing school work since 10:30 been up since 7:30 blah. Not ok. I have so much to do its crazy. Got to be at work for tomorrow. I am getting so lonely and depressed. Angry and confused. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I need love and affection.

Fuck.

Long Time….

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It has been a while since I posted last. I have been working on getting my grades topnotch as well as trying to get back in to the swing of working in the restaurant business again. It is tiring but I have had the week off to get back on my feet with school.

I still have a heavy heart due to circumstances that I learned when I got home about my boyfriend and our friend. He sent be beautiful flowers and I guess I have another gift coming next week for me. Its been over a month since I have last seen him and I am dying. I feel hollow at times especially at night because I cannot think and when I do its always dangerous. I feel jaded, I feel used. I feel so wounded its not fair. I want to do something destructive myself but its not right and I know this. I just drink till I fall asleep again and that isn’t healthy. I am becoming paranoid if I don’t get back to the gym I am going to become morbidly obese again. I need to do something constructive with my life…I know I am going school for something that I have always been passionate about. I want to help people. I guess my boyfriend was right when he said I need to help myself before I can help others.

I guess I feel defeated because I hate when I am always right about things that hurt the most. And yet as I look in the mirror I see black eyes looking back at me sneering at my own injustice. Lately men have been crawling out of the woodwork to “be my friend.” and wanting to take me out on dates. DUDE did you not see I am in a fucking relationship?! I fucking hate this hell whole town. Everyone is poison and I hate it with a passion. I want to scream and run away already. Been one month and I am starting to get sick when I come into town. I get angry easy and frustrated. My patience is running on a thin line and I am afraid of the day that it will snap or something.

I am waiting on one friend of mine that I hope has made a change in her life. I told myself when I cam home that I was going to separate myself from her because of her life style and the fact of how she doesn’t like my relationship with my boyfriend. She isn’t jealous she is just worried he is going to hurt me again and again. She has been there at the worst times, my boyfriend and I were having a really hard time and she only sees the bad. I told her he can be a douchebag but hes mine. I am just trying to focus on school work at the library. I have always loved this library. Perhaps its the only good thing about this fucking hell whole town.