More Valentine’s Woes.

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After having my small mini melt down earlier today I had to take a step back and breath.

I had to remember that 8 years ago today. I tried to commit suicide. I know not such a lovely memory is it ? Well its is a part of my past and it happened. I have the scar on my wrist to prove my ignorance. Over. Love.

I was 19. Depressed. Drunk. Lonely. My ex boyfriend was sending me nasty text messages that he never loved me and all that mean stuff one says.  I thought then that was it for me. I remember it through my drunken haze. The blood dripping cold of my finger tips hitting the floor of my living room. The awful scream my mother made when she found me. We have never talked about it. What is there to talk about? I cleaned up my mess and as usual apologized for my actions. Moved on.

I have moved on from my ex believe me. We are friends, civil and I wish him the best. What I haven’t moved on from, is that my ignorance and pain still haunts me. it will always haunt me because I bare the scars.

Now with my current boyfriend he doesn’t like this holiday period and thinks its stupid and hates it so much that he in away hates buying anything because its money to the businesses. I understand. I don’t ask for much. Do I like gifts? Yes. Of course who doesn’t? But I agree with him that I don’t need a fucking holiday to have him show me he loves me.

It is insane that things are the way that they are for  me. I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But here I am. And here I am living. That is something I should be more proud of actually. I was trying to end my life today 8 years ago. But here I am. Back in the house I tried. Trying to woo my boyfriend to hopefully put a ring my finger and make me his wife.

Its just the things I think of late at night when I have work in the morning and been drinking. Isn’t funny?

 

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Jealousy and Loneliness

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So it is Valentine’s Day. Another year alone with out my boyfriend. I was doing all right. We talked last night for 4 hours, exchanged some photos that I just melted when I saw him. He laughed and asked deep questions that it seemed like we wouldn’t have asked each other over a year ago. It does seem that absence does make the heart grow fonder. Granted not everyone agrees with me that its ok for him to up and leave but who am I to stop him? I have been down this road with him before and we did our fighting and screaming. I have grown so much since his first trip to McMurdo Station and I have matured enough to breath. I can breath with out him here. I think that we have actually grown. Well to an extent. We have a lot to figure out.

 

Now that its 2016 and in September it will mark that we have been together for 8 years. Yes.8 years. Today I was being a Facebook stalker not doing my Anatomy quiz as I was sipping my coffee, Silence of the Lambs playing in the background in honor of its 25th debut anniversary I came across his ex-gf’s page. She got engaged. She got engaged to a man that she has been dating less than a year. My heart started racing as I started going through her public pictures of her engagement. Lovely. Stunning. Outdoors. So loving and tender I got angry. Why? They only dated 2 years. And that was so long ago. I have moved on from this. I set my coffee down and sat back. Looking down at my own hands I have two beautiful rings from him and a stunning necklace that he has gotten me. One ring for our 3rd year anniversary the other a smokey quartz for Christmas/Birthday when we lived in Colorado. None of these engagement rings. Just….a gift.

Maybe its because  I am a girl and growing up that is what you do, fall in love, you get married have a house raise children. I am 27 years old he will be 28 this wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted us to have been married a few years ago and and maybe had a baby on the way NOW. But. That was then. I am more than willing to wait on the children part. I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life and no one else. I am drawn to him and need him in my life forever. He is my best friend. My pain the ass. He makes me angry and cry and I scream. He makes me happy and loved and comforted and safe. We have a different type of relationship that seems to work for US an that is all that matters. Yes there are things we both have to work on and that is fine. I am willing to accept the changes and needs too as well.

Now that its time for him to embark home again I am gearing up for maybe a chance he will finally want to make the commitment…well…. Forever. If he already told me that he doesn’t want anyone else then lets make it legal. For several reasons. ONE. If something were to happen while he was down there he put his Father down. He knows and I know, that his father isn’t going to do shit. TWO. IF there was an emergency I have my passport to fly to him even in NZ. His father doesn’t. THREE. If I am the wife, I can be on his insurance as well as be up to date with things. Like stated before emergencies. FOUR. I can finally say HUSBAND and it sounds more stable than boyfriend if he is down there that it proves to people that we are committed to one another. And its also been long enough. I am not going to be 40  and then get married. He just thinks that its just a stupid piece of paper well yes and no but also its the fact that at the end of the day, I am your partner for life, and legally I have my spousal rights. I have him. He has me. We have each other.

I don’t know if I am utterly losing it or am I over thinking this or am I just a completely jealous girl friend? I don’t now anymore. He just needs to come home and I know him, he will leave for Antarctica again. If he does I want him to either leave with a ring on his finger or mine.

My luck with him its not going to happen.

 

It’s only up from here.

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I think of all these things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed. I have started my next term and I am taking Anatomy and I am freaking out because that is a lot of information to take in for 8 weeks. My grades have been stellar and I have joined The National Society of Leadership and Success because of my said good grades and yet I don’t feel as though I really deserve it. Why? Because I am just taking one class at a time not rushing around campus with 5 other classes to cram into my busy schedule. I am not that important. I am just trying to learn, and go out there and be someone. Be someone for myself. I feel as though I could have done more. I should do more. For whom though? Myself? Society? My community? Who am I ? I am just another walking human being brought into this world unannounced liked most. I have been shoved into this world and I refuse to be a slave to a mundane existence. I live in a town where it seems to be crumbling at my feet due to drugs and living off of welfare. This isn’t how its supposed to be or is it? We now have GoFundMe pages for those who don’t want to work and show me that they are too lazy to work hard because everyone else is getting hand outs for their poor life choices. It makes me angry. I have never begged for anything in my life accept for a puppy.

I know that everyone is battling hard challenges too but damnit if you are unhappy with something change it. I am trying to learn from my own fucking mistakes can’t others? Why are we allowing such things? I get up put my two feet on the ground go to work, come home study do my school work, cry and scream at myself daily. I have dreams too and I want the greater things in life and I know that they don’t come for free. I have accepted that its going to be an uphill battle. For some it might not be that bad. For me I have never had anything easy. I have to lose in order to gain. But to lose all of my sanity in the process is something I am not going to accept.

I know I cannot make the world a better place. What I can do is make it better for me.

That is what I need to focus on. Being a better person for myself. For my family. For my loved ones my friends. Those whom I admire who are in my life. I will shine. Show this town that I am not going to succumb to their normalcy. I will rise. I have too. Its only up from here right?

 

 

 

I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

27 going on extinct

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Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.

 

I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.

 

My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.

 

This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.

 

Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.

Dear Lover

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I try to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions.

When I see you my chest tightens and my mouth instantly turns into a smile, and sometimes I feel like I am losing my senses. How to walk, talk, think, perhaps not being to cognitively put an actually sentence together when I try to speak—to you.

I am in love with how you smirk at me when you come home from work, and when you walk through the door in those dusty work boots and how your hips sway from the weight of them. I love how your hands know a hard days work and yet know a goods night love making.

I love how your lips are so soft, softer than mine on my skin and soul, how you touch every single part of me. Your smile fills me up like your laughter does and my heart wants to burst with love.

And I am still trying to collaborate words to tell you my love for you. I can show you more than words by having you in my arms and being together lying naked in bed in any kind of weather.

I love when you kiss me and I can feel on my cheek you are smiling, or when you simply laugh at my silliness. I love your quiet I love yous, to your verbal ones. I love your knowledge of all boyish manly things against my nerdy bookish nature. I know through it all I am the one you truly love. No matter what mountains we climb, oceans we cross. The love is there.

I love how pasta is your favorite meal to my meatloaf or me just paying for dinner. I love you when words run short or my mouth goes dry and I cannot shout or speak (for once right?) And yet I feel like I am stumbling for the right words for you. Because I want them to be perfect for you like you are for me. You have the most beautiful brown eyes, and such amazing thick hair that I love to run my fingers through. Your body itself is a master piece crafted from a hard manual labor. I love caressing your strong arms and down your muscular back all the way to your perfect plump hiney that I have an unusually unhealthy obsession with. I crave to touch you from your head down to your thick manly thighs. I see you and I become weak, I tremble before you. You are my Kryptonite. My knight and shining armor, my Koala Bear my love love my ink to my pen to which my love can flow from. My everything and more.

But deep down I should know by now that “I love you” should be enough. But its not—not for me. I will keep searching through very empty ice cream containers we share, through my tears of laughter, and sometimes sadness, through the rough times for me to be able to collaborate the right words for you. Being in love with you has brought me the most greatest gift.

There are so many reasons why I am in love with you, and here again I am trying to find the right words to tell you. You came into my life at a time where I thought there was no such thing as love anymore. We were essentially kids and we have grown up together, basically, learning the ins and outs as kids, to adults on what love is. We have been through so much, put each other through so much. And as I try to collaborate the right simplistic words to say to you on my love for you, I am stumbling. From every single adventure we have embarked together, long car rids, giggling, sitting silently in the dark watching tv shows and movies, my love is an aurora around you. Your strength, your smarts, you are so intelligent and so talented. You are the most hardworking man I have ever meet, someone who always has a plan, a doer not a follower, you are a leader. You want something you get it, do it show it. But are so quiet about the whole ordeal. You are like fog against the mountains still hauntingly beautiful to look at but consuming. I am consumed by you. Underneath your quiet exterior I have seen you at your greatest and I have seen you at your weakest. I have brought strength and weakness to you, as you have done for me.

I love you with so much muchness that sometimes I feel that I don’t have much muchness to give, or I give to much and I am squeezing you like a little child holding a puppy for too long. You are going on an adventure of a life time, and this time I cannot follow suit. The real test of love is holding on and I will be holding on for you like I am on a war ship crashing into waves in the Bering Sea, longing to reach you on an island to which I will attack you like a pirate grabbing on to your booty. No matter how far you will be you will always be right there in a pocket of my heart. I want you to never let me go never stop thinking of me, or stop loving me. Because when you return back into my arms I am safe, I am comforted, I am loved. By you. I need you.

And still as I try to find the right simplistic words to say to you about my love for you, so many memories come flooding in. So many small details of our lives I have kept in the vault of my memory. I find myself often thinking of these memories and smiling alone, looking like an idiot if for anyone to have seen me may think of me a fool, or even disturbed. I would rather call it gifted because I have been gifted with love. And as I write this the tears flows because I have so much emotion, so much of myself that I have given to you, and I want you to have. I now you are man of little to no words, a man who doesn’t fully express himself. I have for years struggled with this, not understanding how someone cannot free themselves of what is inside and express to their lover. I know now (I hope.) and as you always say that is who you are. You are who you are, and for you being you is who I have fallen in love with. The manly man of all manly things, being, the Goliath, the Hercules, Knight and Shining Armor, my fantasy Stable Boy, my best friend. There is nothing I want to do more for you is be that one person, that one woman you crave, yearn, need, and love more.

Through searching the millions of words to express myself, I am still trying to find the right ones to say to you. I want you to smile, think of the happiest time we have spent, keep that close, think of me as you are cold at night and I will warm you. No matter what the distance is I am close to you, I want to be in a pocket of your heart. Make you smile like a gifted person too.

I will once again, hear those heavy work boots come through the front door and watch as your hips sway from the weight of them, soon enough I will see that smirk on your face that makes me melt inside. I will have those kisses on my cheek and forehead, all over my body. I will be there with you in the cold cold nights. I will be there when you need. I love you more than words can be put together. I am your biggest fan, your loudest cheerleader, the one besides your mother who will love you the most.

And yet I am still trying to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions to tell you my love for you. But perhaps that will have to take a life time, and I want to share and spend that life time with you.

 

Death and Silence.

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I just got some terrible news from my brother. Our stepdad well he hasn’t really been our legal stepfather never was but he was the man that basically raised my brother and I when we were kids and was with our mother for almost 18 years is dying of terminally ill cancer. He has kidney cancer and it has taken its toll and has a few days to live. He and our mother haven’t been together for a few years and she was for the longest time such a mean woman about it and it was getting old. When I did go home to visit he asked about her and I could tell In his eyes he still cared for her but they couldn’t be together anymore. There was just too much pain and from growing up that in its self another whole story all on its own. He was very thin, hair was turning gray against the black. His green eyes once bright now gray and almost haunted, you could see the cancer really taking him. He wanted our mother to come to his benefit dinner. She refused and I remember I called her a fucking conceded bitch to not respect a dying mans wish then DON’T call me crying when he passes. Our own Grandfather went and said he had a good time, talking and such and felt bad for him. This was coming from a man back in the day who didn’t really care for our stepdad….now….the dark horse is coming for my stepdad and I am besides myself. Everything hit me at once. With my boyfriend and now this, I am trapped and I cannot escape.

I figured my boyfriend would like to give me a hug and support me. But no. He has left me alone when he should know by now I am not good at being alone especially if its about my family. Nope. He is hanging out with his uncle watching fencing having a grand old time while I am very upset. He came over to me and said a little while ago “So what’s the game plan you going home?” Tears cascading down my cheeks I shook my head and shrugged and took a long hot ass shower to try and stop myself from screaming at him. I am very confused at his lack of empathy in his system. I am very upset. Maybe he does want me to go home so he can have some fun out here before he leaves…get a little random fat tail some BBW in his life. String her along and break her heart…or her ass not sure what.

See he should know by now that I become very cynical when I am upset and angry. I have to say that is a trait I got from my mother….ugh. See with that other statement when I mentioned BBW’S yeah cynical-ness came out a wee bit. I am just not winning.

Its hard to really say goodbye to a loved one. But does one really say goodbye even if they have had the time to do so? The pain doesn’t go away, its there it lingers there like wool blanket and it can smother you. When my grandmother passed away I thought I was dying. Dying of sadness and the hole that was in my heart. It was such a rough time. Death is never easy even with a beloved pet its never easy to say goodbye. Some people deal with it differently. When my biological father suddenly passed away I thought the world exploded and I was falling into an abyss. I had just gotten him back into my life and then he was really gone for good this time, no coming back he wasn’t hiding in plain sight. He was gone. It was no secret about my stepfather’s cancer. I knew it was going to happen eventually and its heartbreaking still. We didn’t have the best relationship but he loves my brother and I as much as he loves his own biological children. No human being is perfect, and he did the best that he could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes he was a good guy. My memories of him that I will keep forever are him doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, he loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy he always won because he is smart! Always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. He used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then he rolled them for a long time. His beer of choice was Natural Lite. He was in the Army but never talked about it. He also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. He also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer. We would listen to oldies and he would quiz me on who the artist was. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. He would also try and quiz me on big words. He always wore flannel. In every color. These are my memories. My thoughts and I hope he knows and from the last time we spoke I really meat I loved him. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and he would call me Brat. But as he got sick we stopped saying “I hate you.” by really saying “I love you.” even though it meant the same thing. I hope he goes in peace knowing at least my brother and I love him and always have and have always been thankful for him being in our lives.

to my stepdad I hope you find peace where you go. You will soon be reunited with your mom, dad, and your brother. I love you.