More Valentine’s Woes.

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After having my small mini melt down earlier today I had to take a step back and breath.

I had to remember that 8 years ago today. I tried to commit suicide. I know not such a lovely memory is it ? Well its is a part of my past and it happened. I have the scar on my wrist to prove my ignorance. Over. Love.

I was 19. Depressed. Drunk. Lonely. My ex boyfriend was sending me nasty text messages that he never loved me and all that mean stuff one says.  I thought then that was it for me. I remember it through my drunken haze. The blood dripping cold of my finger tips hitting the floor of my living room. The awful scream my mother made when she found me. We have never talked about it. What is there to talk about? I cleaned up my mess and as usual apologized for my actions. Moved on.

I have moved on from my ex believe me. We are friends, civil and I wish him the best. What I haven’t moved on from, is that my ignorance and pain still haunts me. it will always haunt me because I bare the scars.

Now with my current boyfriend he doesn’t like this holiday period and thinks its stupid and hates it so much that he in away hates buying anything because its money to the businesses. I understand. I don’t ask for much. Do I like gifts? Yes. Of course who doesn’t? But I agree with him that I don’t need a fucking holiday to have him show me he loves me.

It is insane that things are the way that they are for  me. I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But here I am. And here I am living. That is something I should be more proud of actually. I was trying to end my life today 8 years ago. But here I am. Back in the house I tried. Trying to woo my boyfriend to hopefully put a ring my finger and make me his wife.

Its just the things I think of late at night when I have work in the morning and been drinking. Isn’t funny?

 

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I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

Negligence, Pain, Love, Hate, School.

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I know that it has been a long time since I have written anything. Since I have been home I haven’t really had time too blog, or wanted too–there has just been so much that I have been dealing with and I just am tired. So mentally tired from all the stress, pain and hurt. 

Since my stepfathers funeral I thought things were going on the right track, I was trying to stay focused on school, talking to my boyfriend when he could call or get online. I thought that I had my friends back…but no. None of it. NONE OF IT. 

 I have started to slowly sink back in to my old ways again, drinking heavily just to try and sleep, but I don’t sleep even through the pain and droopy eyelids of intoxication I cannot sleep. I have nightmares…nightmares of seeing my stepfather, and what  I just learned that my boyfriend slept with our friend 4 years ago, during a time where we broke up for like a week. I haven’t eaten well, nor taken care of myself. I am trying to numb the pain just to do school work but there even I have lost complete interest in the whole thing. I know its wrong but now i am starting to panic because I can’t drop out now, and I don’t want to have bad grades. 

My so called friends here don’t have time to hang out with me anymore and the last time we spoke they were looking for something, and it was rude. So fucking rude to ask me about that–but couldn’t hang out. I have disassociated myself from them and some others. I also have been sick learning about the events that transpired a few years ago. I really thought that girl was my friend. She said it happened it and was a mistake but she had the fucking audacity to tell me that she had confessed her love to him, but he didn’t say anything back. I hated their friendship for years anyways. I had a gut feeling that something was amiss and I was right. I usually am and I hate that about myself. My boyfriend has explained himself that it was a one time thing, it was over, we were both in  a bad place during one of our dark periods in the relationship that was still essentially fresh for us. I get it. I have done things too but to lie to me all these yeas. He has told me several times now that he wants to marry me, and he wants to meet me in New Zeland were we can visit for 3 weeks when he is done with PEA. He wants to make everything right, he told me, and that he wishes he could have taken it back but of course he can’t. He wants to make me happy. He told the girl that they cannot be friends anymore, because she basically threatened me saying that no matter what she will always be in his life, and that made me unhappy. So he unfriened her on Facebook and told her to that it was time they went their own separate ways and to leave me alone. He said he doesn’t want her to come in-between us. He has changed his attitude since being down in the cold if you will. Usually he would have told me to get over it, and it happened but they are going to be friends. He has said he realized how important I am to him since being there, and that I am the one for him and he cannot say sorry enough for treating me so poorly for years because  I am such an amazing woman. He said he wants to make things right, and be happy and healthy and this is it. I haven’t unfriened her on facebook because she wanted to talk tomorrow, guess she messaged him asking him if he was mad and he just told her that there was no reason to be friends. Mind you this woman was telling me she was an adult now and she didn’t need to explain herself to me, or their friendship. But after a little while the truth came pouring out of her fucking whorish mouth. I hope karma takes place in her life and makes her realize you don’t treat people this way. I knew she was a lying whore and she will always be that way. It is even worse because she has a baby with my boyfriends stepbrother….has she screwed the rest of the brothers? Why not? make it a family affair. I told my boyfriend that I am not allowing her to come in to our lives like this again. She has ruined so much for me. Everything over the past several years now finally makes sense. Her dressing up showing off her tits for him when we would come over for game night, or how she would have to rush in to the bathroom to fix her makeup to be noticed, or how she would just hangout longer than needed when she would come over to study. He told me he isn’t in love with her and never has been, and its always been me. She told me that she confessed her love and she wanted to be with him but he shot her down because he said he is in love with me (this is during idk what breakup) and he couldn’t do that. She told me that she was jealous of my pure devotion to him and only him and she cannot do that with her daughters father. I feel bad for him and I so badly want to tell him all of this. But that would really cause a stir and it will be all my fault and then my boyfriend’s father’s wife would have more fuel to hate me for. But I wasn’t the one who slepted around. I am the one that was lied too and got hurt. 

But for once he is taking my feelings and thoughts into consideration. He said he wants to give me everything that I deserve, such as a ring, the wedding of my dreams, a house, to travel and dog anything he said….anything you want. I want you, and I want to make you happy. 

Wow writing this all down has made my headache go away….that is interesting. I did poorly on one of my quizzes because I have been so worked up, not sleeping, not taking care of myself. Basically just fucking off. I hate how I am always the last person to know everything but I am always the one who pokes the hardest. ….and as the days go by I am really trying to wonder if through all the tears and the lies and heartache….is it really worth it? Is it really worth it for me to wait for him to come back or for me to see him in NZ? Can I trust him? Am I that broken? Am I that fucking damaged now by love that its not worth it anymore. 

 

ALSO my Grandfather has been having good days and bad days with his highblood pressure. Silly old man was eating NOTHING but foods that contained more salt that anything I have consumed in years. Good lord. He is on medication, he is stubborn but I bought good foods for him and he is happy he really likes the Orange Gatorade I wanted him to have it to help with dehydration. He at the doctors now with mom they are taking more blood tests and an x-ray because he is still complaining about headaches. I really can’t lost this man now, not now….not ever really….but…Its not his time. It is not his time for a while and I want him to walk me down the isle at my wedding.  

I am so very tired but I have so much school work, reading I have to write an essay this week, I have to do quizzes. Grampa has to have another medication the doctors think that he has arthritis in his neck that is what is causing the headaches. I suggested getting one of those heating things you throw in the microwave but mom thinks it will be too hot for him so she has an extra heating pad that he can use to lay down on. I guess that could work too so he can sleep better at night. I am just worried.

 

I really should sleep at night but all I want to do is stay up and talk to my love….through all the pain he is the only one I want in this life. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for years and years now…how much more can I take before its too late? 

Packing Complete, 6 years of missing you, pain, and new begginings

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I have officially finished up packing my belongings today. It cost me quite a bit and I am upset. I am not upset about the price because I knew it was going to be quite pricey but I am upset with my boyfriend who didn’t even make an effort to want to help me send my things home. Considering he is the reason that I am going back home in the first place it upsets me. I looked at him as we walked out of the UPS store and said “see how much your adventure just cost me to send my shit home?” He rolled his eyes and then proceeded to remind me that he spent “over a grand in gas to drive out here.” ….umm yeah with the intention of not moving back home to which the winter months and the things I have spent on him has over calculated the gas money by a lot.  So I am feeling a little upset/anger towards him. He gets to go to LA, and Australia and New Zeeland places I want to travel so much. I mean he is spending fun time in those places its just those are plane stops before he gets to Antarctica. I am upset that he doesn’t seem to care or it doesn’t seem to bother him the amount of not only heartache but stress he has bestowed upon me on his departure for 6 months. I will go home, and go through the stages of grieving like I have lost my lover  I also feel as though he will never return to me again. Yet he will in due to time….but I really have to dig deep into myself as well on what I want, things everything. I feel like I am a butterfly about to crawl into an emotional cocoon to wait 6 months and evolve into something greater than a butterfly. it will either make or break me. I have to wait…because you can only learn so much and live.

 

Also today has been a somber day in itself for me. Its been 6 years since the passing of my best friend, my mother figure, my Grandmother to cervical cancer. It still burns my soul to this day, seeing her lying there in that hospital, tubes unable to speak and yet her eyes were still so blue, tears knowing she wasn’t able to come home again. I just remember holding her hand as she tried to write asking about her shoes, and then telling me that there was money under the bed that she was saving, saving for me. No one knew, not even Grampa knew about the money. I asked her what was the money for. I remember her shrugging and shaking her head since she couldn’t speak. I asked her “for whatever?” She nodded. When we all made it home, a day or two came and went after her passing, I remember being alone in the house, with my thoughts, my heart feeling empty and alone, scared and lost. I walked into my Grandparents bedroom, and started to lift the covers up to look under the bed. I saw her shoes, I grabbed them removing them slowly, carefully as if they were to crumble in my hands. There, was an old safe box that my Grampa has to collect his coins. I grabbed it feeling its weight and sat it on my lap. I took a deep breath as tears were flowing and opened it. There was an envelope with money like she had written down. “Not even Grampa knows?” I could hear my own voice asking her that day. I held the money close to my chest. There was so many options I could do this money. There was a little over 200 dollars she saved, I wanted so badly to go do stupid things with that money. But I didn’t. I waited till the family got home and handed the money over to my Grandfather because he needed the money more than me. It would have made my Gram proud anyways. And I knew she was. I can still hear your laughter in my head and it fills my chest with love. I can still hear her yelling at my Brother and I for being stupid and fighting. I can still hear her say “you will publish something someday all you do is write.” She has always been my biggest supporter with my writing. I read her everything, she sat and listened, she loved when I would sing Charlotte Church, not so much my hard rock bands, but she said it was what my mom did. She loved that I could read and play music. She pushed me on my college work. When she passed I took a year off. And yet….I met my boyfriend a month to the day she passed away on our first date. I always thought and have believe she gave him to me for something, a reason, grated we aren’t perfect but….she would have loved him. They are both quiet people but yet I think there is this silent communication between quiet people that they just KNOW. Where ever my Gram is I hope she is proud of me and saying everything is going to be ok. I miss her smile, her laugh, her corn chowder, her silent love. Her hug would make all my pain melt right now. (along with my dad too) But I get to surprise my Grampa and she would like that.

 

Also today I have reconnected with a very….VERY old friend. It is quite complicated and I am slightly nervous about seeing this person, and yet not at the same time. That is for another blog write up in itself.

 

Airlines, Death of a Star, and Madness.

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IBeen wrapping things up here getting ready for the treck home…and  I am still in shock and I cannot believe I am actually leaving…SHIT I am in shock my boyfriend is leaving!  

 Also we have lost an amazing actor today in Hollywood. Robin Williams. He took his own life this morning and I am so heart broken…he was such an amazing actor. He had drug issues as well as depression and its understandable. This is why I want to go back to school to help people. To help them with their struggles.  It something that I think I am very good at. There was something else that was going on with his life that he thought that it was much better to go, leaving his wife and children, (grandchildren?) behind. We as humans are always fighting a hard battle. Sometimes those who smile the most are the ones who struggle the most. My heart is sad for his family and as a fan I am sad and heart broken, confused and wondering why? Like everyone else. Death to some, is nothing but an escape, unwanted, unexpected, timed, or needed. I cannot tell you myself for I have thought about my own death. I have even tried taking my own life…on more than one occasion. Sad. I know, I know that suicide is selfish to my family. Am I calling Robin Williams selfish? I don’t know….I am sad that he is gone. No more amazing movies to come, his tv show, his comedy, just him himself. We don’t know what he was dealing with inside and for how long.  I want to study behavioral science. To try and find out why humans think, react, and do things they do. I just wish that he got the help that he KNEW was out there for him….he must have thought that it was easier to let thing go and just…find silence within himself. Death is never easy for anyone. No matter what the situation is. And you know what? It doesn’t matter that he was a famous celebrity. Could have gone to rehab again? Yes. Could he have done something with money? Yes. Pain is pain. NO matter what the issues he was dealing with. Drugs, depression, what have you. It was his struggle his life. His pain. NO money can ease any sort of pain that is inside. NO matter what. I just wish myself personally that love could have been enough for him. Love saved me. And I am heartbroken.

 

On a totally different and unrelated notion I bought my one way ticket back home. Told my mother and she is more than thrilled that I am coming home. Granted it is not what I really wanted to but it is what it is. It took me 2 beers to click and get things ready to go. I hated myself for spending so much money on a one way flight. But I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend. And I am. I also sent out TWO boxes UPS to my mothers house. Not what I wanted to do either. Also SNHU is being a fucking pain in my ASS. UGH. I hope tomorrow there will be more progress. It also didn’t help that I also drank A LOT of Gin but its all good. I am good.

Just sitting on the couch watching Air Force One with another love Harrison Ford, my love, just trying to make things ok before he is gone for 6 months. I am dying. I am…dying on the inside. I mean not really but emotionally. I have had so much being thrown at me this year that its insane. I want to be able to connect with old friends back home maybe really work on my relationship with my family. I also feel that my boyfriends mom is avoiding me at all cost because of reason of unknown. Has he told her that he wanted to end the relationship and she is keeping her distance? am I overreacting like I always do? I don’t know.

I need to go and find something to eat my head is killing me and I am getting tired. GAH. Sunday I am off back home…and I have never been more afraid in all of my life.

A letter to my Stepdad

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Dear Donnie,

I wanted to write you a letter because I know that you are found of words like me, and being able to have something of me and from me would be meaningful.

No human being is perfect, and you did the best that you could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes you have always been a wonderful father figure. My memories of you that I will keep forever are you doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, and how you loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy and you always won because of the knowledge you have! You always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. I remember you used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then when money was tight you started to roll them instead. I will never forget having my first beer was Natural Lite. Granted I am sure you and mom knew I was stealing them because she told me you went into my room and told her that I needed to clean up my room. Teenagers right? I know that you were the Army but never talked about it, and I do regret never asking you about it but I know that it was during a rough time for you and your family. You also bought me my pompom princess MaryMay Louise. My baby girl who I love and adore and so happy she got to be a part of our family.

I also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. Hours and hours of just silence between the trees and us walking through natures wonders. I never really knew where we ever went but it was fun. I also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer, having the windows down having the dirt spin from the tires as we would listen to oldies and some nights you would quiz me on who the artist was. To this day I do that with Jason asking him who certain music artists are but he usually never plays with me because he doesn’t pay attention like I did. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. Do you remember how you would also try and quiz me on big words? Or you would always tell me to look it up in the dictionary? I still carry a little pocket one with me just in case I need a word or two for a good conversation.

I love how you always wear flannel. In every color. These are my memories. I hope you know last time we spoke I really meant I love you. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and you calling me Brat. I have always been your brat. It takes a lot for a man to come into a woman’s life with two small children and to taking them and accepting them and loving them like their own. I have seen so many broken families with situations like what have had, but there wasn’t a lot of love. I know that things weren’t ever perfect between you and my mom, but that doesn’t matter to me, it never has. You have been in my life and that is how it is going to be. I became a strong independent woman and it was thanks to you as well for just being in my life. I am sorry there wasn’t a lot of words in our lives. I just want you to know that I do love you and always have. I hope you know Mark and I love you and always have and have always been thankful for you being in our lives.

I want you to know too I have been trying really hard to become someone. I grew up, I graduated college and now moved so far from home but I am coming home when Jason leaves for Antarctica for 6 months. I have some things I would love to such as go back to school to be a consular. I have always wanted to help people. I also want to start a family in the next few years, hopefully Jason and I can get married in a timely manner! I have said that 35 is my cut off for having children so adopting will be the answer if that happens. I have some mixed feelings about coming home. Mostly because I wanted to start a life here in Colorado but I think Jason misses certain things (me too) like the ocean as well as good sea food! He misses trees me too, don’t get me wrong but it is beautiful out here but it’s not like New England. We have talked about maybe Portsmouth area would be lovely to try to start a life and a family. Grampa I am sure will be pleased for me being home, I do miss him so. I do miss home New Hampshire will always be my home, my roots. Where I started but it’s also nice to branch out and try something new. Like living in another country! I am jealous and sad that Jason is leaving me for 6 months but it will be good for him and hopefully help us financially in the long run. I hope the time apart is going to be worth it. Distance does make the heart grow fonder…(and not wonder.) I hope you are also proud of me too and everything that I have done with my life. Mark too, granted what he does is slightly unorthodox but that is Mark, can’t really change that about him right? He always said I was book smart. Guess so? I am so glad we got to Skype! I am sure it was weird because it was like I was there but not really there. Oh technology at its finest!

I hope you are resting well and having some comfort and I am so thankful that you are not alone. You have never been alone through any of this.

 

To my Stepdad I hope you know you are very much-loved. I love you. (I hate you. :-P)

Love your Brat.

Death and Silence.

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I just got some terrible news from my brother. Our stepdad well he hasn’t really been our legal stepfather never was but he was the man that basically raised my brother and I when we were kids and was with our mother for almost 18 years is dying of terminally ill cancer. He has kidney cancer and it has taken its toll and has a few days to live. He and our mother haven’t been together for a few years and she was for the longest time such a mean woman about it and it was getting old. When I did go home to visit he asked about her and I could tell In his eyes he still cared for her but they couldn’t be together anymore. There was just too much pain and from growing up that in its self another whole story all on its own. He was very thin, hair was turning gray against the black. His green eyes once bright now gray and almost haunted, you could see the cancer really taking him. He wanted our mother to come to his benefit dinner. She refused and I remember I called her a fucking conceded bitch to not respect a dying mans wish then DON’T call me crying when he passes. Our own Grandfather went and said he had a good time, talking and such and felt bad for him. This was coming from a man back in the day who didn’t really care for our stepdad….now….the dark horse is coming for my stepdad and I am besides myself. Everything hit me at once. With my boyfriend and now this, I am trapped and I cannot escape.

I figured my boyfriend would like to give me a hug and support me. But no. He has left me alone when he should know by now I am not good at being alone especially if its about my family. Nope. He is hanging out with his uncle watching fencing having a grand old time while I am very upset. He came over to me and said a little while ago “So what’s the game plan you going home?” Tears cascading down my cheeks I shook my head and shrugged and took a long hot ass shower to try and stop myself from screaming at him. I am very confused at his lack of empathy in his system. I am very upset. Maybe he does want me to go home so he can have some fun out here before he leaves…get a little random fat tail some BBW in his life. String her along and break her heart…or her ass not sure what.

See he should know by now that I become very cynical when I am upset and angry. I have to say that is a trait I got from my mother….ugh. See with that other statement when I mentioned BBW’S yeah cynical-ness came out a wee bit. I am just not winning.

Its hard to really say goodbye to a loved one. But does one really say goodbye even if they have had the time to do so? The pain doesn’t go away, its there it lingers there like wool blanket and it can smother you. When my grandmother passed away I thought I was dying. Dying of sadness and the hole that was in my heart. It was such a rough time. Death is never easy even with a beloved pet its never easy to say goodbye. Some people deal with it differently. When my biological father suddenly passed away I thought the world exploded and I was falling into an abyss. I had just gotten him back into my life and then he was really gone for good this time, no coming back he wasn’t hiding in plain sight. He was gone. It was no secret about my stepfather’s cancer. I knew it was going to happen eventually and its heartbreaking still. We didn’t have the best relationship but he loves my brother and I as much as he loves his own biological children. No human being is perfect, and he did the best that he could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes he was a good guy. My memories of him that I will keep forever are him doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, he loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy he always won because he is smart! Always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. He used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then he rolled them for a long time. His beer of choice was Natural Lite. He was in the Army but never talked about it. He also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. He also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer. We would listen to oldies and he would quiz me on who the artist was. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. He would also try and quiz me on big words. He always wore flannel. In every color. These are my memories. My thoughts and I hope he knows and from the last time we spoke I really meat I loved him. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and he would call me Brat. But as he got sick we stopped saying “I hate you.” by really saying “I love you.” even though it meant the same thing. I hope he goes in peace knowing at least my brother and I love him and always have and have always been thankful for him being in our lives.

to my stepdad I hope you find peace where you go. You will soon be reunited with your mom, dad, and your brother. I love you.