I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

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27 going on extinct

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Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.

 

I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.

 

My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.

 

This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.

 

Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.

Depression and lack of affection.

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Its kind of amazing what a human being call feel all at once. Basically my life so far has been work, school, avoiding certain people of this shit whole town, beer and cigarettes and wondering how long can I really last here? Being in this town has done nothing but drain me and and of my existence. Its already October and the leaves are so beautiful here and its getting colder which makes me more nervous for the winter season that is approaching. I have bad seasonal depression its scary. I know I should go see a doctor but I can’t. I have no money or health insurance.

I am trying to maintain a good friendship with my sister-inlaw. And I am still trying to work out a good healthy relationship with my mother but that in itself is a fucking war-zone party here. I keep thinking I am going to fail school but all of a sudden BOOM 90 on my essay that I cranked out in a matter of 4 hours and I have no idea what the hell I was talking about. I am lacking sleep and I feel like a zombie.

Went to the fair last night with my mother and I do have to say that it was fun, and we did enjoy ourselves. We have our days and its disgusting when she can be so fucking vial. And then she points at me. Wonder where I learned it mommy dearest? Calling the kettle black are we?

My boyfriend seems to be doing just fine alone with out me. Though he sends me sweet Facebook messages and calls me beautiful and he realized that he had made a mistake and that he really wants to marry me etc. Calls me beautiful almost every night. He just really doesn’t get it. I am still hurt and angry, livid he left me alone as usual. I am just all messed up. I am starting to panic that I can’t take this life anymore or the shit that he deals me. This is a real test of love if I can manage and survive without him.

I am getting heartburn because I am retarted and stressing myself out. I am tired been doing school work since 10:30 been up since 7:30 blah. Not ok. I have so much to do its crazy. Got to be at work for tomorrow. I am getting so lonely and depressed. Angry and confused. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I need love and affection.

Fuck.

Packing Complete, 6 years of missing you, pain, and new begginings

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I have officially finished up packing my belongings today. It cost me quite a bit and I am upset. I am not upset about the price because I knew it was going to be quite pricey but I am upset with my boyfriend who didn’t even make an effort to want to help me send my things home. Considering he is the reason that I am going back home in the first place it upsets me. I looked at him as we walked out of the UPS store and said “see how much your adventure just cost me to send my shit home?” He rolled his eyes and then proceeded to remind me that he spent “over a grand in gas to drive out here.” ….umm yeah with the intention of not moving back home to which the winter months and the things I have spent on him has over calculated the gas money by a lot.  So I am feeling a little upset/anger towards him. He gets to go to LA, and Australia and New Zeeland places I want to travel so much. I mean he is spending fun time in those places its just those are plane stops before he gets to Antarctica. I am upset that he doesn’t seem to care or it doesn’t seem to bother him the amount of not only heartache but stress he has bestowed upon me on his departure for 6 months. I will go home, and go through the stages of grieving like I have lost my lover  I also feel as though he will never return to me again. Yet he will in due to time….but I really have to dig deep into myself as well on what I want, things everything. I feel like I am a butterfly about to crawl into an emotional cocoon to wait 6 months and evolve into something greater than a butterfly. it will either make or break me. I have to wait…because you can only learn so much and live.

 

Also today has been a somber day in itself for me. Its been 6 years since the passing of my best friend, my mother figure, my Grandmother to cervical cancer. It still burns my soul to this day, seeing her lying there in that hospital, tubes unable to speak and yet her eyes were still so blue, tears knowing she wasn’t able to come home again. I just remember holding her hand as she tried to write asking about her shoes, and then telling me that there was money under the bed that she was saving, saving for me. No one knew, not even Grampa knew about the money. I asked her what was the money for. I remember her shrugging and shaking her head since she couldn’t speak. I asked her “for whatever?” She nodded. When we all made it home, a day or two came and went after her passing, I remember being alone in the house, with my thoughts, my heart feeling empty and alone, scared and lost. I walked into my Grandparents bedroom, and started to lift the covers up to look under the bed. I saw her shoes, I grabbed them removing them slowly, carefully as if they were to crumble in my hands. There, was an old safe box that my Grampa has to collect his coins. I grabbed it feeling its weight and sat it on my lap. I took a deep breath as tears were flowing and opened it. There was an envelope with money like she had written down. “Not even Grampa knows?” I could hear my own voice asking her that day. I held the money close to my chest. There was so many options I could do this money. There was a little over 200 dollars she saved, I wanted so badly to go do stupid things with that money. But I didn’t. I waited till the family got home and handed the money over to my Grandfather because he needed the money more than me. It would have made my Gram proud anyways. And I knew she was. I can still hear your laughter in my head and it fills my chest with love. I can still hear her yelling at my Brother and I for being stupid and fighting. I can still hear her say “you will publish something someday all you do is write.” She has always been my biggest supporter with my writing. I read her everything, she sat and listened, she loved when I would sing Charlotte Church, not so much my hard rock bands, but she said it was what my mom did. She loved that I could read and play music. She pushed me on my college work. When she passed I took a year off. And yet….I met my boyfriend a month to the day she passed away on our first date. I always thought and have believe she gave him to me for something, a reason, grated we aren’t perfect but….she would have loved him. They are both quiet people but yet I think there is this silent communication between quiet people that they just KNOW. Where ever my Gram is I hope she is proud of me and saying everything is going to be ok. I miss her smile, her laugh, her corn chowder, her silent love. Her hug would make all my pain melt right now. (along with my dad too) But I get to surprise my Grampa and she would like that.

 

Also today I have reconnected with a very….VERY old friend. It is quite complicated and I am slightly nervous about seeing this person, and yet not at the same time. That is for another blog write up in itself.

 

Morning Rain

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Lying awake last night, the rain was pounding down on the ground like my heart trying to escape my chest. Like I bird I feel trapped. I am trying to stop the small chest pains I feel when I think of the months ahead with out him. Its amazing how one human being can make you feel so many emotions at once. I try to make myself think of something else, anything else that does not involve this madness. I am such a selfish person in away that its sick. I cannot get the worst out of my head. I don’t know how to stop it. I want it to stop. There is so much to do if he goes, I have to pack and with my head down low go back home to a family that doesn’t understand me and my love for him. They will cut me down and be so insensitive. I have no where to go, I feel like I belong no where.  

I was in and out of dreams as well. I couldn’t help but want to sleep the entire day away. It is still raining. My boyfriend gets up to go to work, I didn’t even hear the alarm go off because I am so tired from dreaming of nothing and anxiety. He kisses me goodbye and says he loves me.  I fall back to sleep, and dream about camping with some old friends, odd but it was soothing because it seemed like we were going to get into some shenanigans and I was looking forward to the movie I was watching. But then I am jolted awake when my boyfriend jumps on me and awakes me up. He is giggling and kissing me. No work due to the rain. Groggy I get up and make myself get dressed. I wanted to sleep all day. I am tired. Jeans a sweater on and my hair in a messy bun I am downstairs. He is watching Rookie Blues on his computer after some investigation about winter boots he needs to find for his trip. I just wanted ONE day with out think about that frozen hell. In my mind its hell and its taking him away. But this is his own doing because he wants to go. So maybe I am being left behind in hell because I am not with him.

The instant coffee is disgusting as always and I am still feeling a little groggy. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be a part of this nightmare anymore. I have a better chance of dreaming of something else than what I am seeing awake,

So much emotion

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I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the last couple of days and I am sorry for not posting that much.

My mind is on fire and I feel like there will be no way of ever shutting it off. Everything is happening so fast too soon and I cannot take or accept this kind of change. I mean I get change, I accept it but not when something like this so drastic really hurts me.

I am exhausted so so exhausted. Its amazing what loving someone can do to your well being. They say you should set it free but for me my love I cannot set free. He is mine, I love him and he knows I am the best woman in his life.

And I am going to make sure that it stays this way.

More tomorrow. Maybe only because I have been giving my love the support that I can just being with him doing what he needs to get done. I want to eat and go right to bed. I have just wanted to sleep for days not wanting to even think about anything in my life right now. It is so much easier to hide behind my eyelids and forget life, for get pain, heartache, money, love, lies anything that bothers me. I am sure a lot can agree. But then I have to wake up or I do, and I everything come back at me like a title wave and I keep crashing again and again up against the rock. I do not wish to be the sea of emotions any longer. I want to be a mountain. Standing tall and strong and actually embracing the elements.

A Whole Lot of IF’S

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So there comes a time in our lives where we sit back and go. “Have I really done enough?” I am only 25 years old and I don’t understand half of the things I have put myself through. For what? Nothing. I keep having dreams about going to colleges. Is this my subconscious telling me I need to go back for something else? Maybe. Now how about this? My boyfriend and I have moved to Colorado from New Hampshire in November because thanks to him he got a job working at a resort running snowcats and he has always wanted to go here. I got my job we moved, I suffered with a shitty roommate, season ended and now he has been working on becoming a cop because he went to school for it. So as he is waiting on the department he has been working at a construction company and he hates it. He is just burnt out and I can fully understand that. He has been doing it for so long and now that he has a career in mind he wants to start it. So now he has been applying to different places and now he has an opportunity to go run a machine in Antarctica. 

Wow.

Here are a few issues. He wants to go but is confused on the timing because of the academy. So is this something to take up and miss out on his dream career or just he go take a job of a life time and then leave me behind for a few months? Now I am being utterly selfish as I should here’s why.

We moved 2,000 miles away from our families. But he has family here that we are currently staying with. I don’t get to see mine ever. Just phone calls. We moved out here to start our new life and become established and start building ourselves. Now saying he takes the job…what about me? I am not allowed to go, so do I go back to New Hampshire? Do I wait it out and wait for him so he can have fun? Why keep moving place to place all because he wants to do something. Do I stay in Colorado? Its frustrating and confusing at the same time. I also don’t want to be that girl friend who holds him back on things but I also don’t want to lose him either. And of course me being me…what about my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation? Do I keep my mouth shut because if I do voice my feelings it ends up as a fight….because of my emotions. I have a right to voice them but I don’t to cause an issue either because he is already confused in the first place. I don’t want to keep adding to it. 

So my heart is pounding against my chest. My thoughts are going all over the place. I don’t know what I am going to do if it takes it. He better have that planned too then I guess. 

My life. A complicated hot mess.