I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

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Yelling at myself silently in the bathroom tub

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I keep find excuses not to go to the fucking doctor like my counselor has advised me too because I don’t want to go through that experience again with the machines, the blood work, the notion that I am giving up my ED its so scary.

I know the difference between right and wrong. I am studying this and its something I don’t want to let go. Its mine. My own. This is my demon. I know there are others struggling too but. Its mine. I gained weight since being 117 pounds but I want to be that skinny again and I know how to do it. I need to get back into over exercising again, stop drinking and eating all together. I am eating to play face so I have to purge. I hate bulimia. Anorexia was so much easier I just didn’t eat. This is so difficult and I hate not being in control. Now its over eating and puking that is where I am gaining the weight and that does happen. I fluctuate from 120-135 so that really fucking bothers me. I hate that about myself. I have to be on the scale I have to know, I have to see I need to know why I hate my body so fucking much.

 

I am sitting on my bathtub rim wrapped in a towel hiding from my mother. Why? Because something inside of me knows that she has been a key component to my disorder as well as body image issues from my childhood as being and obese girl. I have had too many fits over my body then too that its not fair to be feeling this way.

I know that my relationship isn’t the best or the healthiest and I do mean that both ways. I have a lot to learn and I  just want to be left alone with my own devices. I shouldn’t have gone to seen the counselor it was a bad Idea.

 

No no its not you can do this.

Shallow Me

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There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.

Depression and lack of affection.

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Its kind of amazing what a human being call feel all at once. Basically my life so far has been work, school, avoiding certain people of this shit whole town, beer and cigarettes and wondering how long can I really last here? Being in this town has done nothing but drain me and and of my existence. Its already October and the leaves are so beautiful here and its getting colder which makes me more nervous for the winter season that is approaching. I have bad seasonal depression its scary. I know I should go see a doctor but I can’t. I have no money or health insurance.

I am trying to maintain a good friendship with my sister-inlaw. And I am still trying to work out a good healthy relationship with my mother but that in itself is a fucking war-zone party here. I keep thinking I am going to fail school but all of a sudden BOOM 90 on my essay that I cranked out in a matter of 4 hours and I have no idea what the hell I was talking about. I am lacking sleep and I feel like a zombie.

Went to the fair last night with my mother and I do have to say that it was fun, and we did enjoy ourselves. We have our days and its disgusting when she can be so fucking vial. And then she points at me. Wonder where I learned it mommy dearest? Calling the kettle black are we?

My boyfriend seems to be doing just fine alone with out me. Though he sends me sweet Facebook messages and calls me beautiful and he realized that he had made a mistake and that he really wants to marry me etc. Calls me beautiful almost every night. He just really doesn’t get it. I am still hurt and angry, livid he left me alone as usual. I am just all messed up. I am starting to panic that I can’t take this life anymore or the shit that he deals me. This is a real test of love if I can manage and survive without him.

I am getting heartburn because I am retarted and stressing myself out. I am tired been doing school work since 10:30 been up since 7:30 blah. Not ok. I have so much to do its crazy. Got to be at work for tomorrow. I am getting so lonely and depressed. Angry and confused. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I need love and affection.

Fuck.

Sizing up?

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For some reason all day I thought that today was July 13, why I am not quite sure but it has just stuck with me good thing I didn’t write any checks or someone asking me what the date was because I would have been wrong all together. 

Anywho.

Today is Monday (I know this) the early Morning came too fast for me as my boyfriend kissed me goodbye as he was leaving for work, I remember falling back into a restless slumber to only awaken to my bladder violently screaming at me. I bolted up and grabbed some cloths to throw on real quick. When a noise caught me off guard. I could hear someone in the bathroom that my boyfriend and I use. I go in and there is the Aunt going at the toilet with a plunger. “Nope don’t use this toilet.” she said. “WHY?!” I said for I was crossing my legs. “Its clogged I don’t know what is wrong with this damned thing.” I roll my eyes and turn around to go downstairs to use that one. I got half way down the lower level when I see my boyfriend sitting in the chair, using his computer. “Hey baby!” I shouted and ran up to him “What are you doing here?” He started to giggle he has such a cute man giggle. (that is possible believe me I know.) He said “Got sent home.” my mind is now starting to panic thinking that he quite or he said something, but he is a man of little words so that wouldn’t be possible. So I give him this look like wtf and said it was because of the rain last night it was too muddy to work on the project. I was happy he was home in a way I guess I acted like a little child I still get butterflies when I see him. Yes almost 6 years together the man makes me gitty still that is one of the things I consider love. Then it hit me. I had to pee. So I kissed him on the cheek and ran to the bathroom and peed. After that I came back out and said I should go put a bra on. He laughed and I went back upstairs. I looked at the aunt and said What a surprise downstairs! She laughed. I changed and came back to make my morning coffee. I wasn’t really feeling well either. But something was bothering me. It was the way my boyfriend was so quiet and I could see the look in his face. He was not pleased. I knew exactly what it was. He has been upset lately because working construction has burnt him out. He is done. He is beyond sick of doing it. The pay may be good but he isn’t the guy. He has been thinking about the military again and feels out of it because he has to drop the weight. I told him that I will help and support him no matter what he decides to do. (and if so there needs to be a ring on my left hand.) 

So I let him be as he was applying to different places, I asked him about his cop things and he said he was looking. I have learned over the years now when he is upset like this just let him do his own thing. I know that in the past when he gets like this we tend to but heads and we each do stupid things that hurt one another. (Makes no sense I know believe me my life.) He took a break to help the aunt use the neighbors shop-vac to unclog the toilet. Come to find out it was a chicken bone. WEIRD. After that was over my boyfriend looked at me and said “did you do that?” What what WHAT?? I shook my head and said “No why would I do something that stupid?” he shrugs and said “Because of the stuff you do.” I could taste my coffee turning sour in my stomach and the sides of my jaw clenching up at this. He walked past me, leaving his scent of old-spice spray behind. I held myself pretty well. I am not sure if he really fully understood what he said, and in the tone of how he said it. When he is in bad mood his whole tone changes, his voice, the way that he speaks and its always towards me. I didn’t want to start a fight especially over my emotions because according to him I over react. I made another instant coffee held my tears back. I kept saying in my head “let the words go, let the words go.” deep breaths. I grabbed my Kindle and just started talking to a friend on Facebook who made me feel better. In away I understand the words said to me, because of my eating disorder but to assume I would be that ignorant to place a bone down the toilet is insane. I know bones can clog a toilet. Words can hurt. I then started to feel depressed, sadden, and all that normal things that tends to happen when I feel down. After an hour or so I laid down on the couch, feeling very VERY defeated, started to fall asleep. When the boyfriend asked me what I wanted for lunch. I said nothing because I wasn’t hungry. He laid down next to me and cuddled and asked why I was upset and being a lounge lizard. I shrugged. I was not about to mention it. After about 10 minutes of silence my boyfriend goes. “I am sorry if what I said seemed offensive, I didn’t mean it like that or saying it I guess. You are doing so well and I am proud of you I am sorry. Do you want to get Sushi for lunch?” WINNER. He for once THOUGHT about it! I am proud of HIM for realizing he did make me upset. So I got Sushi for lunch 🙂

Later we went to Wal-Mart and I cashed my checks from my old job (Bonus Checks I guess? SCORE) and I bought not afraid to admit it either I needed shorts. And a summer dress. I tried looking for new bra’s as well but that didn’t happen. I felt a little bad for myself because I just wanted my boobs to be perky and bigger. Also trying on Wal-Mart clothing is tedious for me. Size 4 is too big and a size 3 juniors are a little snug but fit. Messed up much? I 12 year old girl was looking at me funny as I was shopping in the juniors section. I just tilted my head and said excuse me as I was trying to grab a pair of shorts behind her. I didn’t get them anyways but such is life. As I was in and out of the fitting room I started to think about last summer when I was 117 pounds and dying and how my bones were sticking out everywhere and how my legs looked so frail in jean shorts. Now I am a little toned, I have hips and a tummy. I looked long and hard at myself. I did for a while wanted to be that skinny again, have all those whispers said, all the jealous looks from girls. But you know something? I still do in a way. I look healthy and that should be what girls should be jealous about. HEALTHY BODIES. It is slowly making sense to me. Granted everyday seems like a challenge and a personal goal to not self harm. It sucks. I walked out with 3 size 4 shorts (one actually a squirt my boyfriend picked it out and it was cute!) and one new summer dress size Medium and for once I am so proud of myself for my purchase. Not the lady at the check out she was bitching she was trying to close up and she just wanted to help me go but she kept repeating she wanted to leave it was time for her to leave. I almost said something but since my boyfriend was with me I didn’t. I can be quite a verbal bitch when something like this happens. and one of the shorts I bought didn’t have a tag and that was just THE WORST THING EVER. Come on, I didn’t bitch when I had to wait 15 minutes at the service desk because only 2 people were there. Why at Wal-Mart there are a billion registers but like 4 lanes open? boggles my mind. 

I drove to Wal-Mart and back home. I get nervous I am still not used to the roads here but I didn’t get killed or kill anyone. 

So all and all does size matter? I am learning no. What matters is sizing up meaning be who you want to be. Fill yourself up with greatness and everyone will see beauty in every in and every pound. I am me and that is never going to change. 

Writing

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I was trying to think of something positive to blog about today. So I am just reflecting on my day so far.

I woke up in a panic as usually, since my boyfriend gets up pretty early for work I am left alone with my own mental devices and fall back into a coma with weird dreams of me walking into a school looking for someone. Don’t know who I was looking for but I guess it was pretty damned important. Woke up again because I didn’t want to sleep in too late. Also mostly because I can sleep till noon time without feeling guilty of my lazy-ass doing so. But since my boyfriend and I are staying with his Aunt and Uncle who are early risers I didn’t want to be that girl that they whisper about being lazy. I got up around 9 had my morning coffee, checked my email for jobs, then got dressed to run some errands with the Aunt. Its always nice getting out of the house you know? We went to Goodwill to donate items and other things when all of a sudden we had to go home because the truck told us that there was low tire pressure. Oh…damn. Well then off we went to check the tire pressure at the homestead. Yes one tire was in-fact low so we waited a little while to see if it was going to get worse. 45 minutes later to the hour the Aunt said we were waiting (close enough.) She checked the tire again and it was still the same. So we made the trip to the grocery store pretty damned fast. We were going to go to the mall so she could get her wedding bands cleaned but she didn’t want to risk it. I agreed because that would have been a hell of a walk back to the house if the tire was flat. So tonight the Uncle will hopefully fix the tire. 

Tomorrow I have a job interview with the local zoo and I am sick to my stomach about it. I have a feeling I have the job but its only going to pay 12 an hour and I have to work weekends. Lame but at this point I really don’t care because I need money.

So now just sitting in the kitchen looking up horror things. I am not allowing my weight bother me today. I feel stupid about being so depressed yesterday about the whole thing. I know I have even said that everyone should love themselves. But having an eating disorder is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I can beat this on my own but really I can’t. Someday. Someday I will be able to control it. 

 

Triggers

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Oh no. Here I go again. And  I say this with all honesty. I am having a trigger day, my heart is pounding, my stomach is in pain. I want to eat but I saw what the scale said upstairs. I thought I was going to be ok today. I got over being upset yesterday but now today is clearly a new day and yet I have found something to hate about my life. My fucking weight again. I did not like seeing the blue light blink as I cautiously stood on the scale I was hoping for the best but saw the results when the black numbers flashed at me. 134.8lbs and  I wanted to fucking scream. SCREAM. Are you fucking kidding? NO fucking no. I hate this I feel like I have lost so much control of myself that I want nothing but to lay down and die. What happened to my drive of getting up and running, feeling alive? What happened to be wanting to do my Pilates for an hour and feeling good? Why have I allowed myself to lose everything and gain so much weight back? I had to gain weight I knew this but I don’t want too and I want to cry again.

I am afraid to go running out here because I am afraid I will get lost in the neighborhood. I also haven’t been able to do my Pilates because I don’t to be watched in the living room. I could try to do them in the bedroom. But now that I have lost so much of my drive I feel like shit I want to sleep and the depression has seeped in again. People who suffer from an eating disorder can relate with these awful feelings. The scale is really the enemy, but it is our minds that are damaged. We have it in our heads that this life, this weight is awful, we are beached whales moving with the crowed as people look at you and silently judge how you look because you are not skinny enough or pretty enough. I have been battling with this for years and its starting to break me down. I keep waking up wanting to be 117lbs again like a skeleton nothing but skin and bones and having all these people tell me how beautiful I look, how great I look, how different I look since high school. I know they were just saying that because everyone in school probably assumed I was always going to be fat all of my life, and be stuck in the hell whole town and be a no body. SURPRISE MOTHER FUCKERS. I gave myself an eating disorder and proved you all fucking wrong. Because of this mental illness it controls everything I feel, everything I think, everything I do. I now don’t want to eat anything ever again, or unless I throw everything up. I have also decided being bulimic is in a sicking way therapeutic because I let it all out. Its like I am am giving myself a personal exorcism and yet I am still fucking haunted by my inner demons.

People who are also struggling like me It sucks doesn’t it? It just down right fucking sucks. I am now freaking out because I am afraid if I don’t go back to drastic changes such as starving myself and over exercising again I am going to wake up and be 150 pounds again. Then everyone will talk behind my back and say that I am fat again, and I look awful and ugly and anything else that is wrong with society today that cannot accept girls for who they are. I want to be able to feel my ribs again see them count them and stick my fingers in between I feel so ugly today. That I am never going to be accepted and loved enough. All I can think of those girls my boyfriend enjoys looking that are big, beautiful women. He is supposed to become a cop why wouldn’t he want a beautiful skinny girl friend to show off? Why would he want someone who is like 300 pounds? See this is what triggers do to me. They make me think of the worst things in the world, that I think my boyfriend wants someone else that clearly isn’t me or not even CLOSE to me. I feel so jaded and what I have wasted so much time and effort on. I am such a messed up individual that I don’t know what to do anymore. I do feel lost all the time and I know there is help…but…not like this. I thought I was doing the right thing for a while gaining the right amount of weight ( which I have medically of course not mentally) and I just feel so out-of-place. Why does life with an eating disorder have to be this fucking hard?

I am torn on what to fucking do today. Not eat. Or eat and throw up and hope for the best? I know that perhaps I should really reach out for some professional help but with health care or money kind of makes a difference. So why try to seek help if all they want is money? It’s a sad world we live in. Unless I am just making it seem like it’s an awful world to live in.

Today is just a really bad day for triggers and I need to take a nap.