27 going on extinct


Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.


I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.


My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.


This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.


Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.


AIrpot Blunders


I have to say that this morning came way too fast for my liking. I woke up from an odd dream of a two crippled men in wheelchairs who were friends one killed the other by stomping on him with his wheel chair. I don’t know what that means but  I am intrigued.

 Yesterday was slightly bitter sweet. We got everything done, laughed, argued, I cried, and then we spent the entire afternoon watching Rugby. It has become our new favorite sport and it was fun, rather hot out. I tried keeping an open mind to everything. Granted I just wanted him all to myself which I did. We went to dinner, where he told me that he was going to miss me more than anything, and he loves me more than anyone and will call me as often as he can , when he can. Then he bought me this BEAUTIFUL ring. Its not an engagement ring but I am wearing it on my ring finger to tell those who are interested NOT to mettle.

Last night of love making was sensual, where he held my face and told me that he loved me and that I am the best girlfriend in the entire world, how much I loved him, how beautiful I am and how I love him no matter what. Sleep was off and on, from the dream, as well as then waking up at 2 am and then just waking up at 3:30 just watching him sleep. It was slightly creepy I am sure but love makes you do strange things. But it not creepy. Its normal love right?

At the airport I started to cry and he seemed like he had tears in his eyes or just really tired. I am going with the latter because I don’t know what is true.

At the airport I fucking started to panic because my barcode kept saying invalid. WTF. I started to sweat a little bit to only look up and realize I was in the wrong area. FUCK ok got that done. Then going through TSA I was yelled at because I forgot to take my phone out of my pocket and I had my sunglasses on my head. UGH. But I finally made it. I did this all by myself. YAY.

Got coffee in my travel mug, just about to board to PHL and I hope that my back pack fits in the over head. I am fucking stuck in the middle but It cant be that bad. I am going to get into line now. Wish me luck

It’s the final count down!


So as the days and hours are dwindling down to when I go back to the homestead, today has been a somber day. Personal reflection and depression as slowly started to creep in to me, devouring every light that is left inside of me. The actuality that I am not going to see my boyfriend for 6 months has gotten in a stage of feeling blank. I was doing his laundry as he decided to work every day up until his departure which I personally felt that it was selfish not to spend an entire day wit me. I just wanted a little US time before he left. And I mean by that doing something fun, laughing and feeling the love that we share between us. But no…he said “I need the money.” The man is going to be freaking loaded OK? But he is a grown man and he makes his own big kid decisions. And sometimes I am not in the decision process, not even a thought, not even a gesture.

With all of these sad and depressing thoughts have entered my brain I was plugging away as well today at my college work. I am not officially an SNHU student I got my books ordered for the term, I am only taking ONE class just to get back into the swing of things. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and I thought….this is my time. When I get home, to fully let everything go really do some soul searching. And if my boyfriend wants that still with me, we can grow again. This is going to either make or brake us. I am 25 years old and I have given him everything of me. But I have realized that I always did what he wanted to do. It was a one way street. That is not how a relationship works. So I realized this relationship for certain periods of time were very unhealthy. I am in love with him more than words could describe, I want to be his wife some day. This time apart will I hope for his end make him want me more. Or perhaps he wont want me anymore. And if that time comes….breathing, tears down my face it will be something I will either live with or against.  Love is grand and he is my world. My best friend, my lover, my koala bear, my love love. HIs arms always wrapping around me holding me, tickling me, poking me, horsing around. What have you. I told him last night as we were lying in bed that I just wanted something from him before or on Sunday morning before my flight, at least words of pure loving coming from him and not “ya I love you.” to me that is not enough. Humans throw the I LOVE YOUS out to anything and anyone like its another tissue, and I am not going to be the snotty one that gets thrown away that easily. He said he would find something to express himself because he isn’t a very emotional man but this is something that I down right deserve.

I have been packing and unpacking my bags, trying to get everything all set and ready to go. I am so excited to start school and start learning new things, I am nervous and excited to start working again with my sister in-law. I am about to burst to hug my Grampa I am in stoked to surprise him!

I know that I have wonderful friends back home who are willing to take care of me they have already told me so, I also have some friends I am going to reconnect with some old friends. And I am excited about it. Slightly nervous about reconnecting with one but I have a good head on my shoulders and I think I can take care of things on my own. I have to learn how to take care of things on my own now. I have a lot to learn.

My boyfriend should be home soon and we have a lot to do tonight. I hope he does something lovely for me but I am not going to be holding my breath because I don’t want to be stabbed again, considering I am already bleeding enough as it is.

You can only learn so much and live.


Dear Lover


I try to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions.

When I see you my chest tightens and my mouth instantly turns into a smile, and sometimes I feel like I am losing my senses. How to walk, talk, think, perhaps not being to cognitively put an actually sentence together when I try to speak—to you.

I am in love with how you smirk at me when you come home from work, and when you walk through the door in those dusty work boots and how your hips sway from the weight of them. I love how your hands know a hard days work and yet know a goods night love making.

I love how your lips are so soft, softer than mine on my skin and soul, how you touch every single part of me. Your smile fills me up like your laughter does and my heart wants to burst with love.

And I am still trying to collaborate words to tell you my love for you. I can show you more than words by having you in my arms and being together lying naked in bed in any kind of weather.

I love when you kiss me and I can feel on my cheek you are smiling, or when you simply laugh at my silliness. I love your quiet I love yous, to your verbal ones. I love your knowledge of all boyish manly things against my nerdy bookish nature. I know through it all I am the one you truly love. No matter what mountains we climb, oceans we cross. The love is there.

I love how pasta is your favorite meal to my meatloaf or me just paying for dinner. I love you when words run short or my mouth goes dry and I cannot shout or speak (for once right?) And yet I feel like I am stumbling for the right words for you. Because I want them to be perfect for you like you are for me. You have the most beautiful brown eyes, and such amazing thick hair that I love to run my fingers through. Your body itself is a master piece crafted from a hard manual labor. I love caressing your strong arms and down your muscular back all the way to your perfect plump hiney that I have an unusually unhealthy obsession with. I crave to touch you from your head down to your thick manly thighs. I see you and I become weak, I tremble before you. You are my Kryptonite. My knight and shining armor, my Koala Bear my love love my ink to my pen to which my love can flow from. My everything and more.

But deep down I should know by now that “I love you” should be enough. But its not—not for me. I will keep searching through very empty ice cream containers we share, through my tears of laughter, and sometimes sadness, through the rough times for me to be able to collaborate the right words for you. Being in love with you has brought me the most greatest gift.

There are so many reasons why I am in love with you, and here again I am trying to find the right words to tell you. You came into my life at a time where I thought there was no such thing as love anymore. We were essentially kids and we have grown up together, basically, learning the ins and outs as kids, to adults on what love is. We have been through so much, put each other through so much. And as I try to collaborate the right simplistic words to say to you on my love for you, I am stumbling. From every single adventure we have embarked together, long car rids, giggling, sitting silently in the dark watching tv shows and movies, my love is an aurora around you. Your strength, your smarts, you are so intelligent and so talented. You are the most hardworking man I have ever meet, someone who always has a plan, a doer not a follower, you are a leader. You want something you get it, do it show it. But are so quiet about the whole ordeal. You are like fog against the mountains still hauntingly beautiful to look at but consuming. I am consumed by you. Underneath your quiet exterior I have seen you at your greatest and I have seen you at your weakest. I have brought strength and weakness to you, as you have done for me.

I love you with so much muchness that sometimes I feel that I don’t have much muchness to give, or I give to much and I am squeezing you like a little child holding a puppy for too long. You are going on an adventure of a life time, and this time I cannot follow suit. The real test of love is holding on and I will be holding on for you like I am on a war ship crashing into waves in the Bering Sea, longing to reach you on an island to which I will attack you like a pirate grabbing on to your booty. No matter how far you will be you will always be right there in a pocket of my heart. I want you to never let me go never stop thinking of me, or stop loving me. Because when you return back into my arms I am safe, I am comforted, I am loved. By you. I need you.

And still as I try to find the right simplistic words to say to you about my love for you, so many memories come flooding in. So many small details of our lives I have kept in the vault of my memory. I find myself often thinking of these memories and smiling alone, looking like an idiot if for anyone to have seen me may think of me a fool, or even disturbed. I would rather call it gifted because I have been gifted with love. And as I write this the tears flows because I have so much emotion, so much of myself that I have given to you, and I want you to have. I now you are man of little to no words, a man who doesn’t fully express himself. I have for years struggled with this, not understanding how someone cannot free themselves of what is inside and express to their lover. I know now (I hope.) and as you always say that is who you are. You are who you are, and for you being you is who I have fallen in love with. The manly man of all manly things, being, the Goliath, the Hercules, Knight and Shining Armor, my fantasy Stable Boy, my best friend. There is nothing I want to do more for you is be that one person, that one woman you crave, yearn, need, and love more.

Through searching the millions of words to express myself, I am still trying to find the right ones to say to you. I want you to smile, think of the happiest time we have spent, keep that close, think of me as you are cold at night and I will warm you. No matter what the distance is I am close to you, I want to be in a pocket of your heart. Make you smile like a gifted person too.

I will once again, hear those heavy work boots come through the front door and watch as your hips sway from the weight of them, soon enough I will see that smirk on your face that makes me melt inside. I will have those kisses on my cheek and forehead, all over my body. I will be there with you in the cold cold nights. I will be there when you need. I love you more than words can be put together. I am your biggest fan, your loudest cheerleader, the one besides your mother who will love you the most.

And yet I am still trying to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions to tell you my love for you. But perhaps that will have to take a life time, and I want to share and spend that life time with you.


More Crazy College Stress


What a day I had. I should have been packing but I wasn’t. I just wasn’t moving fast enough for my liking this morning. I was going to go back in the basement to organize things but it didn’t happen. It was gloomy today so it didn’t help my mood to want to get out of bed. Then I wanted to work on my college things, got a phone call rushed it because I thought that the Aunt  wanted to head out the door but lo and behold she was a cross the street talking to the neighbor. So I felt bad. I had to get things corrected with my student loans but come to find out….it was nothing so I was on the phone for almost over 3 hours with The Department of Education, Sallie Mea, Kaplan and DeVry trying to fix the mistakes here. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a little better, I will have things well-organized for the shit show of money I will have to pay that I clearly wont ever have. But I am looking forward to the change and the challenge. I also need to talk more to my advisor about Crisis Intervention Management because that seems like a career I want to do, and if that is possible under the Justice of Administration.

Took some time off though during the day to go with the aunt to Home Depot to look at flooring, ask questions and what not. I was basically stalked through out the store but a red neck man in dirty jeans. EW. Then we looked at carpets, and then new fridges to which now she is getting new flooring and a fridge and the uncle is just giving me shit about the new fridge. She wanted it and its on sale for a good price.

I went and faxed my transcripts today too so I hope that helps with the evaluation process. I am looking forward to speaking with my advisor tomorrow about it. I also really this time need to finish packing. I am scared shitless flying alone.  I am looking forward to my new life goals. AND this time I am going be well-organized and up to date on EVERYTHING.

But here is Andy McKee playing Drifting for some soothingnessssssss

Packing, Colleges, Igornace OH MY


So not like I have a lot going on for me personally.

So I had it in my head today that applying to a college again was the best thing I can add to my plate of fucking shit. I keep shoving it down my throat, choking and no one is there to keep me level headed….go me right? I got up this morning all ready to go after I had fallen back asleep watching 2 episodes of season two of Hannibal got dressed and headed down in to the basement with coffee in hand, laptop and confusion mixed in with anxiety as I had to figure out how I was going to pack all of my shit spend a boat load of money and what not. So from 9-12:30 I was down there drinking coffee, facebooking, watching documentaries on Hulu.com as I was trying to get my shit into a huge big box. Only after I realized a lot of the cloths I had I wasn’t going to miss if I donated it to Goodwill…so I had to go through it again and I have donated a lot things, even books which is shocking. When I cam up for a pee break and potentially some lunch I started looking at colleges again. The Aunt was trying to figure out what she wanted for flooring so I was multitasking, researching and looking at wood flooring. I tried to talk to my old college about things but they just wanted me to start with my fasfa and apply this and that this and that. When I got a phone call from an advisor from DeVry  I was nervous because I thought they were going to give me a whole fucking rigmarole again but no…this time they actually talked to me, they wanted to get to know me and know me, and see where I was headed. We talked about my degree, and we managed to narrow down some things. I originally wanted to go back for Psychology because I want to help people as my career. And Paralegal just wasn’t doing it for me. She suggested Justice of Administration with a concentration in Emergency Management. I get to help people in a psychological manner during like natural disaster’s such as hurricane’s, flooding, shootings, etc. I really want to see myself working in an Emergency room talking with people who have tried suicide, drug addictions, shooting victims etc. I can see myself being that person, someone they can talk too, I am an outsider but I care. Shit I can work in Hostage situations working with the families of victims that are being held hostage.


Emergency Management Courses

The Justice Administration degree program with a specialization in Emergency Management may include these career-focused courses:

  • Emergency Management – This course deals with emergency or disaster risk mitigation, preparedness, response, and recovery. Topics include managing complex organizations and emergency decision-making, interagency cooperation, risk assessment, planning preparations, humanitarian interventions, and recovery challenges.
  • Disaster Response – Students in this course explore various types and phases of disasters, responses that are planned or improvised, and problem avoidance during disasters. Urgent care of disaster victims, search and rescue, dealing with fatalities, and models of overall recovery operations are examined.
  • Emergency Planning – In this course, which explores planning within the overall emergency management field and its relationship to mitigation planning, the purpose, principles, processes, and resource aspects of planning are considered for planning teams and organizations, and communication of plans.
  • Terrorism in Emergency Management – Examining emergency management considerations when terrorist behavior or acts are a factor, this course looks at threats, consequences, and responses, with an interagency perspective, through the life cycle of emergency management, from preparedness and planning to long-term recovery.
  • Technology in Emergency Management – In this course, students learn to use technology in emergency planning, response, recovery, and mitigation efforts, as well as key elements that must be in place for technology to enhance the emergency management process. Operational problems and recovery are analyzed.
  • Crisis Intervention – This course explores approaches to intervening in traumatic or dangerous social events precipitated by groups, individuals, or environmental factors, with consequences for individuals or groups. Decision-making under time limitations and uncertainty is considered.

there that sums it up! I am looking forward to a new challenge and I love college. I love learning. And as my boyfriend is going to Antartica this will keep be focused and busy working and studying. DeVry also you don’t have to sit in classes either you do your own thing, post, and submit things and take tests at certain times. I think I can manage that and still do my thing. The hell with it I guess right? I have no money so lets keep adding to the issue. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he didn’t seem interested in my higher learning program. I am hoping since he is at work he will talk to me later and not be a grump about it. If he doesn’t want to talk to me then that will really hurt my feelings I did a lot of research today about it too. He told me to go for it in the first place I would hate to think that he just really doesn’t care. I also have been feeling lately that he is trying to distance himself from me because he is going away. I just found out yesterday that we wont be able to video chat because the connection there isn’t good just being able to send emails and facebook. I had to walk away we were at Cabla’s I needed to decompress the whole thought of NOT seeing him for 6 fucking months. NOT SEEING HIM REALLY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JUST SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

I am also very tired from overthinking and now packing, and now school maybe starting September 1. I need a god damn adult at times.


Morning Rain


Lying awake last night, the rain was pounding down on the ground like my heart trying to escape my chest. Like I bird I feel trapped. I am trying to stop the small chest pains I feel when I think of the months ahead with out him. Its amazing how one human being can make you feel so many emotions at once. I try to make myself think of something else, anything else that does not involve this madness. I am such a selfish person in away that its sick. I cannot get the worst out of my head. I don’t know how to stop it. I want it to stop. There is so much to do if he goes, I have to pack and with my head down low go back home to a family that doesn’t understand me and my love for him. They will cut me down and be so insensitive. I have no where to go, I feel like I belong no where.  

I was in and out of dreams as well. I couldn’t help but want to sleep the entire day away. It is still raining. My boyfriend gets up to go to work, I didn’t even hear the alarm go off because I am so tired from dreaming of nothing and anxiety. He kisses me goodbye and says he loves me.  I fall back to sleep, and dream about camping with some old friends, odd but it was soothing because it seemed like we were going to get into some shenanigans and I was looking forward to the movie I was watching. But then I am jolted awake when my boyfriend jumps on me and awakes me up. He is giggling and kissing me. No work due to the rain. Groggy I get up and make myself get dressed. I wanted to sleep all day. I am tired. Jeans a sweater on and my hair in a messy bun I am downstairs. He is watching Rookie Blues on his computer after some investigation about winter boots he needs to find for his trip. I just wanted ONE day with out think about that frozen hell. In my mind its hell and its taking him away. But this is his own doing because he wants to go. So maybe I am being left behind in hell because I am not with him.

The instant coffee is disgusting as always and I am still feeling a little groggy. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be a part of this nightmare anymore. I have a better chance of dreaming of something else than what I am seeing awake,