I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

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Yelling at myself silently in the bathroom tub

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I keep find excuses not to go to the fucking doctor like my counselor has advised me too because I don’t want to go through that experience again with the machines, the blood work, the notion that I am giving up my ED its so scary.

I know the difference between right and wrong. I am studying this and its something I don’t want to let go. Its mine. My own. This is my demon. I know there are others struggling too but. Its mine. I gained weight since being 117 pounds but I want to be that skinny again and I know how to do it. I need to get back into over exercising again, stop drinking and eating all together. I am eating to play face so I have to purge. I hate bulimia. Anorexia was so much easier I just didn’t eat. This is so difficult and I hate not being in control. Now its over eating and puking that is where I am gaining the weight and that does happen. I fluctuate from 120-135 so that really fucking bothers me. I hate that about myself. I have to be on the scale I have to know, I have to see I need to know why I hate my body so fucking much.

 

I am sitting on my bathtub rim wrapped in a towel hiding from my mother. Why? Because something inside of me knows that she has been a key component to my disorder as well as body image issues from my childhood as being and obese girl. I have had too many fits over my body then too that its not fair to be feeling this way.

I know that my relationship isn’t the best or the healthiest and I do mean that both ways. I have a lot to learn and I  just want to be left alone with my own devices. I shouldn’t have gone to seen the counselor it was a bad Idea.

 

No no its not you can do this.

I finally have broken down

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Just as the title says. I have finally broken down and started seeing a counselor. I am tired of feeling the way that I do, and in order for me to be a good counselor I need the right help.  I cried a good part of the morning before my evaluation. I wanted to back out but I knew deep down that I couldn’t because I wasn’t going to get anywhere. I knew that I had to do this for me, and live a happier healthier life. I cannot keep battling with myself and my ED anymore. Its been too long 8 years and going strong is something that no one should go through.

The session was good and I spilled out what I needed too, in order for my counselor to guide me. I know that we are going to evaluate my home life and my relationship and how I need to move on and gear myself up for my life without ED. I have to make a doctors appointment but I haven’t done it yet because I already have an outstanding bill with the walk in here from a few years ago when I tried getting help the first time. Stupid I know.

It has also been a long time since I have blogged. I have been really busy with school work and making good grades. Which is nice I want to make sure I am on top of things and being the best I can be. If medical school is in my future I need these grades to be top notch. My boyfriend is still down playing at the south pole so that is super fun. I have told him what I am doing he is happy but he doesn’t really understand the gravity of the situation. He is a main reason why I am there. Also my family home life is too. The way that I was raised and brought up isn’t helpful hence why I tend to stray and run away. Wonder if that will come up in my sessions or do I really have the capacity of neglecting to tell my counselor what i want to tell him? I think I do, but I also know enough to know what I can disclose and not. I can either make this simple and easy like he did his job or be like a regular client who has a lot going on. Which I do and it wouldn’t be fair to abuse what I have. But I also don’t want to really dig deep enough into my value system to break me further. What if I like what I have that keeps me slightly sane? I know it seems like I am being totally blunt and not rational but sometimes life leads us to have some sot of mystery. But I wonder how long can I keep it a secret or a mystery? Will something in my life become more than just a snare? I don’t know. I think that I put too much of an emphasis on what might make me feel upset versus reality or the gravity of the situation. Like I don’t like conflict and would much rather avoid it all together and ignore it and move on as long as everyone is happy then screw what I am dealing with. I know that I need not to feel this way but I have too.

Trying to study mental health has really made me more aware that my life was legit kind of fucking shitty. I feel that I am going to be one of those counselors that is going to be more brash and open. Reality Therapy seems great but also I enjoy Cognitive Therapy as well. But a lot of people need to be slapped into reality like hey guys this is NOW granted you have some inner turmoil that is dragging you down, that is ok, lets work on it. I got this. I feel as though that I want to work with people who feel as though they have nothing left to give, depression, ED, I had an interesting time with Family system because of my own personal experiences with my own family that is so fucked up I don’t even touch that barely scrape the surface on that topic please. If we were to seek help on that I am sure the therapist would put their hands up and walk away scattering paper work like “FUCK THIS I AM OUT.” and trust me my family life came into play with my session. I have a lot of anger towards my mother and a lot of reassessment and hate towards my brother for the way  I am belittled, degraded and made fun of all of my life. I have been verbally abused all of my life and I am making a difference by not associated myself from that. It is hard. Anyone that can associate with that knows. Its a bitch to deal with and I am being honest. I hated my teens. It wasn’t fun. I have a lot to work on and I am finally willing to do so. I am going to be 27 in a few days and enough is enough. I am tired, I am hurt, I am weak, I am frail. I am sick, I am just ready to breath freely of all this shit that is inside of me.

 

I have a lot of inner demons to face and I know its going to be a challenge but I am willing to try and face them and not back down. I have to do this. For myself. I guess what I am afraid of is losing my close friend, letting go of certain people if I have too although I see quite a good gain….we shall see. I am also trying to make sure I keep up to date with blogging I am making it a thing again that I try and write about my progress now. I know that they say writing can heal you. Lets see what happens next week.

Shallow Me

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There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.

Writing for Nothing.

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I know I keep telling myself I am going to get better and better at this whole writing everything down again like I used too. There was a time in my life where I lived in notebooks, wrote so many stories almost all night. I would have these amazing story lines or something along the latter from my favorite book or new movie I enjoyed and made a twist on it myself. As I got older and started to work more and more and doing other things, I stopped.

I wonder off in stores that have paper and pens. I hate going to Office Max or Staples, Walmart or even book stores that have journals I want to write in. I think of all the stories or secrets those pages could hold for me.

They say writing can heal you. Writing can also hurt you. We can write we are hurting but then words are just over looked just like when speaking, and even reading what I write I go “wow.” all because I know the emotions I put into this. I know that I can go off on a banter or rant about nothing but my thoughts and my feelings matter. Because I am human. I want to write, because I can express myself better this way. Dealing with depression and an eating disorder is so hard. Also I am struggling with my boyfriend and his new adventure, I cry a lot at night, I lay in bed wondering the worst, that he will never come home, he will find someone else (I know in the Antarctic?) he will stop loving me because of the distance, I am afraid I will lose my best friend in the entire world. I am just very emotionally all over the fucking place.

I am also drinking coffee in the mid afternoon so that is not going to help with my jitters either so go me right? I just need someone to hug me right now. I am in love, scared, confused on who I am and I am just writing about nothing that doesn’t make any freaking sense. GO. Me.

I always seem to think that I have these great ideas and I don’t. Clearly I am nothing but a wasteful individual because I know the potential I have. …just doesn’t always work out for me.

Sizing up?

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For some reason all day I thought that today was July 13, why I am not quite sure but it has just stuck with me good thing I didn’t write any checks or someone asking me what the date was because I would have been wrong all together. 

Anywho.

Today is Monday (I know this) the early Morning came too fast for me as my boyfriend kissed me goodbye as he was leaving for work, I remember falling back into a restless slumber to only awaken to my bladder violently screaming at me. I bolted up and grabbed some cloths to throw on real quick. When a noise caught me off guard. I could hear someone in the bathroom that my boyfriend and I use. I go in and there is the Aunt going at the toilet with a plunger. “Nope don’t use this toilet.” she said. “WHY?!” I said for I was crossing my legs. “Its clogged I don’t know what is wrong with this damned thing.” I roll my eyes and turn around to go downstairs to use that one. I got half way down the lower level when I see my boyfriend sitting in the chair, using his computer. “Hey baby!” I shouted and ran up to him “What are you doing here?” He started to giggle he has such a cute man giggle. (that is possible believe me I know.) He said “Got sent home.” my mind is now starting to panic thinking that he quite or he said something, but he is a man of little words so that wouldn’t be possible. So I give him this look like wtf and said it was because of the rain last night it was too muddy to work on the project. I was happy he was home in a way I guess I acted like a little child I still get butterflies when I see him. Yes almost 6 years together the man makes me gitty still that is one of the things I consider love. Then it hit me. I had to pee. So I kissed him on the cheek and ran to the bathroom and peed. After that I came back out and said I should go put a bra on. He laughed and I went back upstairs. I looked at the aunt and said What a surprise downstairs! She laughed. I changed and came back to make my morning coffee. I wasn’t really feeling well either. But something was bothering me. It was the way my boyfriend was so quiet and I could see the look in his face. He was not pleased. I knew exactly what it was. He has been upset lately because working construction has burnt him out. He is done. He is beyond sick of doing it. The pay may be good but he isn’t the guy. He has been thinking about the military again and feels out of it because he has to drop the weight. I told him that I will help and support him no matter what he decides to do. (and if so there needs to be a ring on my left hand.) 

So I let him be as he was applying to different places, I asked him about his cop things and he said he was looking. I have learned over the years now when he is upset like this just let him do his own thing. I know that in the past when he gets like this we tend to but heads and we each do stupid things that hurt one another. (Makes no sense I know believe me my life.) He took a break to help the aunt use the neighbors shop-vac to unclog the toilet. Come to find out it was a chicken bone. WEIRD. After that was over my boyfriend looked at me and said “did you do that?” What what WHAT?? I shook my head and said “No why would I do something that stupid?” he shrugs and said “Because of the stuff you do.” I could taste my coffee turning sour in my stomach and the sides of my jaw clenching up at this. He walked past me, leaving his scent of old-spice spray behind. I held myself pretty well. I am not sure if he really fully understood what he said, and in the tone of how he said it. When he is in bad mood his whole tone changes, his voice, the way that he speaks and its always towards me. I didn’t want to start a fight especially over my emotions because according to him I over react. I made another instant coffee held my tears back. I kept saying in my head “let the words go, let the words go.” deep breaths. I grabbed my Kindle and just started talking to a friend on Facebook who made me feel better. In away I understand the words said to me, because of my eating disorder but to assume I would be that ignorant to place a bone down the toilet is insane. I know bones can clog a toilet. Words can hurt. I then started to feel depressed, sadden, and all that normal things that tends to happen when I feel down. After an hour or so I laid down on the couch, feeling very VERY defeated, started to fall asleep. When the boyfriend asked me what I wanted for lunch. I said nothing because I wasn’t hungry. He laid down next to me and cuddled and asked why I was upset and being a lounge lizard. I shrugged. I was not about to mention it. After about 10 minutes of silence my boyfriend goes. “I am sorry if what I said seemed offensive, I didn’t mean it like that or saying it I guess. You are doing so well and I am proud of you I am sorry. Do you want to get Sushi for lunch?” WINNER. He for once THOUGHT about it! I am proud of HIM for realizing he did make me upset. So I got Sushi for lunch 🙂

Later we went to Wal-Mart and I cashed my checks from my old job (Bonus Checks I guess? SCORE) and I bought not afraid to admit it either I needed shorts. And a summer dress. I tried looking for new bra’s as well but that didn’t happen. I felt a little bad for myself because I just wanted my boobs to be perky and bigger. Also trying on Wal-Mart clothing is tedious for me. Size 4 is too big and a size 3 juniors are a little snug but fit. Messed up much? I 12 year old girl was looking at me funny as I was shopping in the juniors section. I just tilted my head and said excuse me as I was trying to grab a pair of shorts behind her. I didn’t get them anyways but such is life. As I was in and out of the fitting room I started to think about last summer when I was 117 pounds and dying and how my bones were sticking out everywhere and how my legs looked so frail in jean shorts. Now I am a little toned, I have hips and a tummy. I looked long and hard at myself. I did for a while wanted to be that skinny again, have all those whispers said, all the jealous looks from girls. But you know something? I still do in a way. I look healthy and that should be what girls should be jealous about. HEALTHY BODIES. It is slowly making sense to me. Granted everyday seems like a challenge and a personal goal to not self harm. It sucks. I walked out with 3 size 4 shorts (one actually a squirt my boyfriend picked it out and it was cute!) and one new summer dress size Medium and for once I am so proud of myself for my purchase. Not the lady at the check out she was bitching she was trying to close up and she just wanted to help me go but she kept repeating she wanted to leave it was time for her to leave. I almost said something but since my boyfriend was with me I didn’t. I can be quite a verbal bitch when something like this happens. and one of the shorts I bought didn’t have a tag and that was just THE WORST THING EVER. Come on, I didn’t bitch when I had to wait 15 minutes at the service desk because only 2 people were there. Why at Wal-Mart there are a billion registers but like 4 lanes open? boggles my mind. 

I drove to Wal-Mart and back home. I get nervous I am still not used to the roads here but I didn’t get killed or kill anyone. 

So all and all does size matter? I am learning no. What matters is sizing up meaning be who you want to be. Fill yourself up with greatness and everyone will see beauty in every in and every pound. I am me and that is never going to change. 

Wildlife and no words?

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Just got back from a lovely drive in the Rocky Mountain National Forest, went on Trail Ridge Road. They boyfriend wanted to go for a nice drive and we did! Got up early this morning to change the oil in the truck, turns out he decided to do more than that with a tire rotation and have the air filter changed. The wait felt forever. But I am glad that there was a tv because Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was on ABC Family and that made my morning go by quick. 

Driving up through the mountains was so breath taking. Being a New Englander there are of course beautiful mountains. But out here in Colorado it really puts the icing on the cake here. I got to see Elk, a moose and a other woodland animals. I have indeed moved to a beautiful state. 

Driving home though I felt a little distracted. My mind was all over the place making me forget the amazingness I just experienced. I got to over thinking that I am nothing but a loser because I haven’t gotten a job yet to also over thinking that something wasn’t quite right with my relationship, I got this weird feeling that I am just not good enough. See depression comes at me all at once and its not fair. Crazy isn’t it? 

Now we are home and the rain has started, I am trying to be positive and not let my brain take over everything that I think and feel. Its stupid how that happens. I need to stop allowing the past ruin everything for me because I then get all anxious and then ask questions which leads to fights that aren’t even worth it! Its a struggle but I am feeling slightly drained at the moment and for once I feel like I am lost for words. I don’t understand this either because I am always so full of things to say….today not so much even though I saw breath taking wildlife and natures beauty today.