I just got some terrible news from my brother. Our stepdad well he hasn’t really been our legal stepfather never was but he was the man that basically raised my brother and I when we were kids and was with our mother for almost 18 years is dying of terminally ill cancer. He has kidney cancer and it has taken its toll and has a few days to live. He and our mother haven’t been together for a few years and she was for the longest time such a mean woman about it and it was getting old. When I did go home to visit he asked about her and I could tell In his eyes he still cared for her but they couldn’t be together anymore. There was just too much pain and from growing up that in its self another whole story all on its own. He was very thin, hair was turning gray against the black. His green eyes once bright now gray and almost haunted, you could see the cancer really taking him. He wanted our mother to come to his benefit dinner. She refused and I remember I called her a fucking conceded bitch to not respect a dying mans wish then DON’T call me crying when he passes. Our own Grandfather went and said he had a good time, talking and such and felt bad for him. This was coming from a man back in the day who didn’t really care for our stepdad….now….the dark horse is coming for my stepdad and I am besides myself. Everything hit me at once. With my boyfriend and now this, I am trapped and I cannot escape.
I figured my boyfriend would like to give me a hug and support me. But no. He has left me alone when he should know by now I am not good at being alone especially if its about my family. Nope. He is hanging out with his uncle watching fencing having a grand old time while I am very upset. He came over to me and said a little while ago “So what’s the game plan you going home?” Tears cascading down my cheeks I shook my head and shrugged and took a long hot ass shower to try and stop myself from screaming at him. I am very confused at his lack of empathy in his system. I am very upset. Maybe he does want me to go home so he can have some fun out here before he leaves…get a little random fat tail some BBW in his life. String her along and break her heart…or her ass not sure what.
See he should know by now that I become very cynical when I am upset and angry. I have to say that is a trait I got from my mother….ugh. See with that other statement when I mentioned BBW’S yeah cynical-ness came out a wee bit. I am just not winning.
Its hard to really say goodbye to a loved one. But does one really say goodbye even if they have had the time to do so? The pain doesn’t go away, its there it lingers there like wool blanket and it can smother you. When my grandmother passed away I thought I was dying. Dying of sadness and the hole that was in my heart. It was such a rough time. Death is never easy even with a beloved pet its never easy to say goodbye. Some people deal with it differently. When my biological father suddenly passed away I thought the world exploded and I was falling into an abyss. I had just gotten him back into my life and then he was really gone for good this time, no coming back he wasn’t hiding in plain sight. He was gone. It was no secret about my stepfather’s cancer. I knew it was going to happen eventually and its heartbreaking still. We didn’t have the best relationship but he loves my brother and I as much as he loves his own biological children. No human being is perfect, and he did the best that he could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes he was a good guy. My memories of him that I will keep forever are him doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, he loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy he always won because he is smart! Always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. He used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then he rolled them for a long time. His beer of choice was Natural Lite. He was in the Army but never talked about it. He also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. He also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer. We would listen to oldies and he would quiz me on who the artist was. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. He would also try and quiz me on big words. He always wore flannel. In every color. These are my memories. My thoughts and I hope he knows and from the last time we spoke I really meat I loved him. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and he would call me Brat. But as he got sick we stopped saying “I hate you.” by really saying “I love you.” even though it meant the same thing. I hope he goes in peace knowing at least my brother and I love him and always have and have always been thankful for him being in our lives.
to my stepdad I hope you find peace where you go. You will soon be reunited with your mom, dad, and your brother. I love you.
I started crying again when my boyfriend and I got home from our outing today. He got a package in the mail from the company he got the Antarctica job, it was just luggage stuff but I started losing my shit. I sat on the couch and started crying hysterically. I had to go upstairs because I didn’t want to be around it anymore and I needed to calm down. I needed to breath and think this through. Each day is another day closer to his departure and for me to head back to our home state. I cannot believe that this is happening to me. I am still upset he didn’t sit me down and fucking talk to me about the whole ordeal. I am angry and frustrated. We moved out here to start over and be happy but since this fucking trip of his has made me very depressed. I cannot sleep at a more and I hate this. I fucking FUCKING hate this. I am alone and now I have to go home. I have to travel on an airplane alone I am going to die. I will have an anxiety attack. I am going to get kidnapped. My family is going to run their mouths make me feel more like a piece of shit. I cannot live with my mom again I refuse. I cannot live with my grandfather. I have no where to go. My bestfriend wants me to move in with her but she is a party girl and I can’t allow that to happen. She has already told me that we should just break up and end it so I can do whatever I want. No. I can’t do that. I love him.
I am upset. We were having such a lovely day. We had a lovely lunch at Olive Garden, laughing and giggling and talking about stupid shit. I enjoyed it. I was happy. Till we came back here. I am now depressed and I still want to cry. I don’t know why. I just want to sleep for ever. But even then I cannot sleep. I hate this.
I feel so very lost, and confused. I know some people would tell me that I am being really stupid. No these are my thoughts and feelings. I get it that some women ( and men) their better half is fighting overseas. My boyfriend is not fighting a war. He chose a job because he wanted to this, and didn’t really think about me though he assumed I was going to jump up and down for fucking joy about the whole ordeal leaving for 6 months. NOT. If we talked about it….it would be different. I have to remember he does what he wants when he wants too how he wants.
I need a god damned stiff drink here. But I am not allowed to drink I guess. AWESOME. Can’t sleep with out a drink now. No sleep.
And I want to read but I will be distracted but I just….I need help. I need someone….to understand me and listen. My words are the only thing that I have at the moment. I wish I could have botched this trip so I could keep him to myself. I know my boyfriend enough to know that he is going to get board and chat to girls online lie say he is single just out of boredom. He does things like this because he can….if only he knew what I was capable of too. I am no angel either so what can I say? We all have secrets and we all have skeletons…I am just a lot better at hiding the key.
I keep telling myself that I am going to keep myself busy while he is away, really work and focus on my writing, perhaps get back into school, get back to the gym, maybe get a dog. Its just things I want to d and these are all great healthy and happy things. But I know that deep down an undersneath it all I am going to be a wreck, be very VERY angry for a long time. Crying all the time. I know me enough to know this is what is going to happen. I know back home I will not have a good support system, all but my boyfriends mom and that is going to be it. But I can’t be with her all the time because well she has a life too. I have no friends really….I mean its crazy. I am crazy. I am just….sad and I am going to be lonely.
Lying awake last night, the rain was pounding down on the ground like my heart trying to escape my chest. Like I bird I feel trapped. I am trying to stop the small chest pains I feel when I think of the months ahead with out him. Its amazing how one human being can make you feel so many emotions at once. I try to make myself think of something else, anything else that does not involve this madness. I am such a selfish person in away that its sick. I cannot get the worst out of my head. I don’t know how to stop it. I want it to stop. There is so much to do if he goes, I have to pack and with my head down low go back home to a family that doesn’t understand me and my love for him. They will cut me down and be so insensitive. I have no where to go, I feel like I belong no where.
I was in and out of dreams as well. I couldn’t help but want to sleep the entire day away. It is still raining. My boyfriend gets up to go to work, I didn’t even hear the alarm go off because I am so tired from dreaming of nothing and anxiety. He kisses me goodbye and says he loves me. I fall back to sleep, and dream about camping with some old friends, odd but it was soothing because it seemed like we were going to get into some shenanigans and I was looking forward to the movie I was watching. But then I am jolted awake when my boyfriend jumps on me and awakes me up. He is giggling and kissing me. No work due to the rain. Groggy I get up and make myself get dressed. I wanted to sleep all day. I am tired. Jeans a sweater on and my hair in a messy bun I am downstairs. He is watching Rookie Blues on his computer after some investigation about winter boots he needs to find for his trip. I just wanted ONE day with out think about that frozen hell. In my mind its hell and its taking him away. But this is his own doing because he wants to go. So maybe I am being left behind in hell because I am not with him.
The instant coffee is disgusting as always and I am still feeling a little groggy. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be a part of this nightmare anymore. I have a better chance of dreaming of something else than what I am seeing awake,
I know I keep telling myself I am going to get better and better at this whole writing everything down again like I used too. There was a time in my life where I lived in notebooks, wrote so many stories almost all night. I would have these amazing story lines or something along the latter from my favorite book or new movie I enjoyed and made a twist on it myself. As I got older and started to work more and more and doing other things, I stopped.
I wonder off in stores that have paper and pens. I hate going to Office Max or Staples, Walmart or even book stores that have journals I want to write in. I think of all the stories or secrets those pages could hold for me.
They say writing can heal you. Writing can also hurt you. We can write we are hurting but then words are just over looked just like when speaking, and even reading what I write I go “wow.” all because I know the emotions I put into this. I know that I can go off on a banter or rant about nothing but my thoughts and my feelings matter. Because I am human. I want to write, because I can express myself better this way. Dealing with depression and an eating disorder is so hard. Also I am struggling with my boyfriend and his new adventure, I cry a lot at night, I lay in bed wondering the worst, that he will never come home, he will find someone else (I know in the Antarctic?) he will stop loving me because of the distance, I am afraid I will lose my best friend in the entire world. I am just very emotionally all over the fucking place.
I am also drinking coffee in the mid afternoon so that is not going to help with my jitters either so go me right? I just need someone to hug me right now. I am in love, scared, confused on who I am and I am just writing about nothing that doesn’t make any freaking sense. GO. Me.
I always seem to think that I have these great ideas and I don’t. Clearly I am nothing but a wasteful individual because I know the potential I have. …just doesn’t always work out for me.
There are some small things in my life that make me happy. And one of them is none other Thomas Harris’ talented writing skills and a brain I would love to pick for he has brought us Hannibal Lecter. Yes. I said it. I have been obsessed with this man since I was about 12 years old, The books are my bibles. I have 4 copies of Hannibal because it is my favorite book in the entire world. And now with the movies and a tv show Bryan Fuller a brilliant master mind himself has made me fall in love with a god damn cannibal. Mads Mikkelsen has made Doctor Hannibal Lecter a man you want to love and hate and eat at his dinner table. And it wouldn’t matter if its human or not. (I am open to try new things.)
So when my life gets a little hectic and I start to sink into a deep depression I always grab my Lecter Books and read or grab a movie. Now I grab my Kindle and watch the tv show. Season two came to an end and I was BAWLING. I will admit when the first season aired I was skeptic because It wasn’t going to follow along with the story. I have let my senses go and embraced the writers and the actors for them, I have a place to escape reality for a while and just listen and watch. Now we have Season 2 done and I am dying to get a hold of it on DVD September 16 cannot come fast enough to hold the case in my hand. Here is the gag reel that made me crack up tonight and I really needed it. I needed to laugh at this.
I am content. Thanks to a Cannibal. And I have n shame. No shame.
I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the last couple of days and I am sorry for not posting that much.
My mind is on fire and I feel like there will be no way of ever shutting it off. Everything is happening so fast too soon and I cannot take or accept this kind of change. I mean I get change, I accept it but not when something like this so drastic really hurts me.
I am exhausted so so exhausted. Its amazing what loving someone can do to your well being. They say you should set it free but for me my love I cannot set free. He is mine, I love him and he knows I am the best woman in his life.
And I am going to make sure that it stays this way.
More tomorrow. Maybe only because I have been giving my love the support that I can just being with him doing what he needs to get done. I want to eat and go right to bed. I have just wanted to sleep for days not wanting to even think about anything in my life right now. It is so much easier to hide behind my eyelids and forget life, for get pain, heartache, money, love, lies anything that bothers me. I am sure a lot can agree. But then I have to wake up or I do, and I everything come back at me like a title wave and I keep crashing again and again up against the rock. I do not wish to be the sea of emotions any longer. I want to be a mountain. Standing tall and strong and actually embracing the elements.
So there comes a time in our lives where we sit back and go. “Have I really done enough?” I am only 25 years old and I don’t understand half of the things I have put myself through. For what? Nothing. I keep having dreams about going to colleges. Is this my subconscious telling me I need to go back for something else? Maybe. Now how about this? My boyfriend and I have moved to Colorado from New Hampshire in November because thanks to him he got a job working at a resort running snowcats and he has always wanted to go here. I got my job we moved, I suffered with a shitty roommate, season ended and now he has been working on becoming a cop because he went to school for it. So as he is waiting on the department he has been working at a construction company and he hates it. He is just burnt out and I can fully understand that. He has been doing it for so long and now that he has a career in mind he wants to start it. So now he has been applying to different places and now he has an opportunity to go run a machine in Antarctica.
Here are a few issues. He wants to go but is confused on the timing because of the academy. So is this something to take up and miss out on his dream career or just he go take a job of a life time and then leave me behind for a few months? Now I am being utterly selfish as I should here’s why.
We moved 2,000 miles away from our families. But he has family here that we are currently staying with. I don’t get to see mine ever. Just phone calls. We moved out here to start our new life and become established and start building ourselves. Now saying he takes the job…what about me? I am not allowed to go, so do I go back to New Hampshire? Do I wait it out and wait for him so he can have fun? Why keep moving place to place all because he wants to do something. Do I stay in Colorado? Its frustrating and confusing at the same time. I also don’t want to be that girl friend who holds him back on things but I also don’t want to lose him either. And of course me being me…what about my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation? Do I keep my mouth shut because if I do voice my feelings it ends up as a fight….because of my emotions. I have a right to voice them but I don’t to cause an issue either because he is already confused in the first place. I don’t want to keep adding to it.
So my heart is pounding against my chest. My thoughts are going all over the place. I don’t know what I am going to do if it takes it. He better have that planned too then I guess.