Anxiety, love, therapy and plane rides

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So its finally has happened. My boyfriend is on his way home. State side. I am flying out around 3:30 to see him. He is making me come to him and not waiting like last year. I feel like something with in him has really changed.

But I say that because I want to believe that. During my therapy session my therapist could tell that I was utterly nervous and anxious and angry and just every sort of emotion one can feel all at once. I haven’t been myself the last couple of days. He was concerned because I was showing sings of anger towards strangers and my behavior was all over the place. I could tell in his face that he was like what the fuck is up with this woman here today? I am usually cool calm and collect and I am thorough with my words when I speak. Today I was jumbled and I was speaking too fast. I was trying not to cry but smile because I am scared and excited to see my love even though we have been through a lot. My therapist says that it seems like I am in a domestic violence relationship minus the actual physical abuse but more mental. He is correct but I ‘know how to just walk away because I don’t want too. I don’t want anyone else to have my boyfriend but me. I am being selfish but fuck.

I know I went to him for a reason was for  my eating disorder but my boyfriend has fucked me up as well. And I know the first step to full recovery is to let things like that go but he is my everything. I don’t want to start over with someone new because I just don’t want too. I do love him with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But his actions are negligent towards our relationship that its the thought that I want him to actually change for us to better US as a whole. I don’t think he fully understands that what he has done to me has really messed me up inside.

I should be sleeping but I just can’t do that. I have even caught up on my school work for us to spend time together and took time off from work for this. I need to see him. 6 months is far too long and more power to the men and women who see their loved ones overseas like this for 18 months at a time. Its insane.

I also the last couple of months have been avoiding my friends that I do have at all costs because I just have been studying and trying to stay focused on my schooling. I want to keep up these good grades. Granted it would be nice to take time off from that but I am so damned close to the finish no way I am backing off now. Also I hate seeing women that I know on Facebook being like oh I am a student with kids and you should be proud of me. I boast about my accomplishments on Facebook too but its also the fact that I don’t need a child to actually BOOST it for me. I am doing this for me and maybe for my future children to see me already being successful before they came because I want them to be comfortable and not see me struggle.

I want a better life. I want to be happy. I have been sleeping on my fucking couch because I don’t like sleeping alone. My bedroom is a war zone with shit. I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should have and its embarrassing. My boyfriend is going to see this and he is going to be ashamed. I know it. He loves me but he shows it so differently. I hope that he is on that plane thinking of US and not thinking about going back on those fucking sites like badoo and meetme and Tinder. I will die. He cannot be doing this anymore.

I told my therapist that I had started writing him a letter about how his actions have hurt me. I did start it but I haven’t finished it. I feel like I get too overwhelmed and I am going to miss something along the way. I know that if I tried to say something to him verbally the words wont come out right. He will get mad at me he always does because he doesn’t want to be in trouble for his actions. He can never take full responsibility for them. He never does and that is the killer here.

Like he got angry that he added one of my hot friends and she deleted him because I told her that the only reason he sent her a request was because I made the mistake of telling him that she was single. She deleted him and blocked him and he blamed me thought that I was the one who hacked into his account. He legit got pissed at me for something she did on her own. Also I caught him because she screen shot him sending her a message about it and I was upset that why would he go out of his fucking way to ask her? His response was “well if you want to know something ask.” well I guess that is true but you shouldn’t have sent her the request in the first place knowing that you guys aren’t really friends. My friend said it was a mistake and she felt horrible. I am not mad at her I was mad at the situation. My boyfriend and I didn’t talk for an entire day then he apologized for being mad and we carried on like nothing ever happened. Makes me wonder who else he has been talking too. Also I find it convenient that the girl he cheated on me with (his brother’s gf) they aren’t together again it seems? Convenient I say because he is on his way home. Trust? Is there trust here? And to think his own step brothers gf. I am not pleased still to this day.

This is supposed to be the best day of my life. And all I want to do is hide.

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27 going on extinct

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Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.

 

I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.

 

My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.

 

This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.

 

Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.

Yelling at myself silently in the bathroom tub

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I keep find excuses not to go to the fucking doctor like my counselor has advised me too because I don’t want to go through that experience again with the machines, the blood work, the notion that I am giving up my ED its so scary.

I know the difference between right and wrong. I am studying this and its something I don’t want to let go. Its mine. My own. This is my demon. I know there are others struggling too but. Its mine. I gained weight since being 117 pounds but I want to be that skinny again and I know how to do it. I need to get back into over exercising again, stop drinking and eating all together. I am eating to play face so I have to purge. I hate bulimia. Anorexia was so much easier I just didn’t eat. This is so difficult and I hate not being in control. Now its over eating and puking that is where I am gaining the weight and that does happen. I fluctuate from 120-135 so that really fucking bothers me. I hate that about myself. I have to be on the scale I have to know, I have to see I need to know why I hate my body so fucking much.

 

I am sitting on my bathtub rim wrapped in a towel hiding from my mother. Why? Because something inside of me knows that she has been a key component to my disorder as well as body image issues from my childhood as being and obese girl. I have had too many fits over my body then too that its not fair to be feeling this way.

I know that my relationship isn’t the best or the healthiest and I do mean that both ways. I have a lot to learn and I  just want to be left alone with my own devices. I shouldn’t have gone to seen the counselor it was a bad Idea.

 

No no its not you can do this.

I finally have broken down

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Just as the title says. I have finally broken down and started seeing a counselor. I am tired of feeling the way that I do, and in order for me to be a good counselor I need the right help.  I cried a good part of the morning before my evaluation. I wanted to back out but I knew deep down that I couldn’t because I wasn’t going to get anywhere. I knew that I had to do this for me, and live a happier healthier life. I cannot keep battling with myself and my ED anymore. Its been too long 8 years and going strong is something that no one should go through.

The session was good and I spilled out what I needed too, in order for my counselor to guide me. I know that we are going to evaluate my home life and my relationship and how I need to move on and gear myself up for my life without ED. I have to make a doctors appointment but I haven’t done it yet because I already have an outstanding bill with the walk in here from a few years ago when I tried getting help the first time. Stupid I know.

It has also been a long time since I have blogged. I have been really busy with school work and making good grades. Which is nice I want to make sure I am on top of things and being the best I can be. If medical school is in my future I need these grades to be top notch. My boyfriend is still down playing at the south pole so that is super fun. I have told him what I am doing he is happy but he doesn’t really understand the gravity of the situation. He is a main reason why I am there. Also my family home life is too. The way that I was raised and brought up isn’t helpful hence why I tend to stray and run away. Wonder if that will come up in my sessions or do I really have the capacity of neglecting to tell my counselor what i want to tell him? I think I do, but I also know enough to know what I can disclose and not. I can either make this simple and easy like he did his job or be like a regular client who has a lot going on. Which I do and it wouldn’t be fair to abuse what I have. But I also don’t want to really dig deep enough into my value system to break me further. What if I like what I have that keeps me slightly sane? I know it seems like I am being totally blunt and not rational but sometimes life leads us to have some sot of mystery. But I wonder how long can I keep it a secret or a mystery? Will something in my life become more than just a snare? I don’t know. I think that I put too much of an emphasis on what might make me feel upset versus reality or the gravity of the situation. Like I don’t like conflict and would much rather avoid it all together and ignore it and move on as long as everyone is happy then screw what I am dealing with. I know that I need not to feel this way but I have too.

Trying to study mental health has really made me more aware that my life was legit kind of fucking shitty. I feel that I am going to be one of those counselors that is going to be more brash and open. Reality Therapy seems great but also I enjoy Cognitive Therapy as well. But a lot of people need to be slapped into reality like hey guys this is NOW granted you have some inner turmoil that is dragging you down, that is ok, lets work on it. I got this. I feel as though that I want to work with people who feel as though they have nothing left to give, depression, ED, I had an interesting time with Family system because of my own personal experiences with my own family that is so fucked up I don’t even touch that barely scrape the surface on that topic please. If we were to seek help on that I am sure the therapist would put their hands up and walk away scattering paper work like “FUCK THIS I AM OUT.” and trust me my family life came into play with my session. I have a lot of anger towards my mother and a lot of reassessment and hate towards my brother for the way  I am belittled, degraded and made fun of all of my life. I have been verbally abused all of my life and I am making a difference by not associated myself from that. It is hard. Anyone that can associate with that knows. Its a bitch to deal with and I am being honest. I hated my teens. It wasn’t fun. I have a lot to work on and I am finally willing to do so. I am going to be 27 in a few days and enough is enough. I am tired, I am hurt, I am weak, I am frail. I am sick, I am just ready to breath freely of all this shit that is inside of me.

 

I have a lot of inner demons to face and I know its going to be a challenge but I am willing to try and face them and not back down. I have to do this. For myself. I guess what I am afraid of is losing my close friend, letting go of certain people if I have too although I see quite a good gain….we shall see. I am also trying to make sure I keep up to date with blogging I am making it a thing again that I try and write about my progress now. I know that they say writing can heal you. Lets see what happens next week.