I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

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Shallow Me

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There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.

To The Body I will Never Love;

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TO the body I will never love;

I am sorry. I am sorry I have abused you every single day for the last 6 years of my adulthood. I am sorry that I never felt accepted or wanted because of my size. I am sorry dear body that all you were doing was making sure I was still breathing, pumping blood from my heart and helping me move my bones. I am sorry that I mentally told you I was done living on more than one occasion. I am sorry for all the drugs I have tried to kill what I thought was pain inside. Dear body I am sorry that I ate so much and then didn’t. Dear skin I am sorry that you have stretch marks from being overweight to being too skinny to putting on weight again. I am sorry for the fact that I lost so much so fast now I look like failed weightless survivor off of the Biggest Loser. Well because I am the biggest loser. For hurting you dear body.

I am sorry I can’t love you as I should. I am sorry that I have a sickness in my head that I hate myself and you dear body. I see these images of beautiful women of all sizes and I cannot be happy with what I have. I have made drastic changes that have hurt my insides I have ruined you. That isn’t fair. You know for a long time dear body that I was trying to kill myself because of the nasty thoughts that I was thinking and feeling. I shouldn’t have to think that way all because I thought that I didn’t fit into the world of beauty. I am beautiful. It shouldn’t matter size jeans I am in, it shouldn’t matter what the fucking scale says. I am beautiful. I woke up and I am breathing. That is beautiful.

I am sorry dear body that I feel out of place with you all the time. That I feel you shouldn’t be touched by anyone but me. I am sorry dear body that my boyfriend loves me but I have it in my head that he will always love someone else bigger and prettier than me. That is what is inside my head that I clearly need help with understanding that I am wrong. OR am I? I am sorry that I am scared of ever getting married because I feel I will never look good in a wedding dress or that I am afraid scared to have a child because I am afraid to get morbidly obese. It is a gift to have children and to marry the love of your life. I am sorry I am afraid of all these things because I hate you.

I am sorry dear body. I wish I could one day love you and myself for what I really am.

Depression you have won today.

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I have woken up today feeling quite defeated. And I don’t know why either. I had a wonderful job interview today that it seems like it went well. Now at the house I feel like a zombie, and tired and just wanting to sleep the day away and not think about well…life at all.

Depression is a nasty illness that a majority of people who you meet have. (suffer, hate, bathe in that darkness.) People take all sorts of medications. I have been battling this mental illness since I was 15 when I was diagnosed with chronic depression.Or Dysthymia,  is also referred to as mild, chronic depression, is less severe and has fewer symptoms than major depression. With dysthymia, the depression symptoms can linger for a long period of time, often two years or longer. Those who suffer from dysthymia can also experience periods of major depression–. I was on medication it just made my thoughts about life worse. Stopped, waited a few more years after some life changing alterations, tried again. Nope this time I was diagnosed with Major chronic depression At 23 then, I didn’t like it.  Can I say this is true? No.   Now at 25 I know the difference of what was going on in my life. It just got worse. It is interesting to know that depression is also based on genetics. My biological father suffered from Major Chronic Depression. Thanks Pops, but I am not really mad at you. I am mad at myself for allowing these thoughts to take over me.

I know I should see a doctor but I don’t. It’s not that I am afraid of them, I know what they will say, I know that I have options. I don’t care if they think I am crazy. We are all a little crazy. I am also a person underneath the sadness a driven person to work it out on my own. I want to break free, I want to not feel this heaviness on my shoulders anymore. Its like I am walking through fog my arms are stretched out, I can see a street light and I am just trying to make my way through this. Sometimes the fog is really thick and heavy and I cannot breathe but I manage to get my head above it for a time and keep on moving towards the light.

I know that maybe someday I should really see someone to help me get through the fog but I want to make it on my own without medication even though it is really a chemical imbalance I have I just want it to work itself out you know? I want to not wake up with dread and inner sadness, being tired all the time, faking smiles and saying “I am fine” when everyone by now knows it’s just a cover up for “fuck I hate my life and everything in it right now.” It’s for no reason. We have the power to make ourselves happy. I know what I need to do to make changes. I have the love and support I need, and that is a good think to actually KNOW and feel confident about it. But sometimes we get scared and don’t. I will have a moment.

Today depression has taken over, and I am tired, and I just want to grab a blanket and sleep for a little while. It is ok to feel low at times. It happens and sometimes it happens often. Some people are braver than I am to get help. Today I am not that brave. Today I am allowing my thoughts to consume me. Today is a dark day. Even when its beautiful out.

 

 

Beauty–a work in progress

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What is beauty? According to http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/beauty the definition is :

 :the quality of being physically attractive

: the qualities in a person or a thing that give pleasure to the senses or the mind

: a beautiful woman

Well that should mean that everyone’s view or perspective is different. This is something we can all agree on. Now what about society and the media? Why do they get to dictate what is and isn’t beautiful for viewing on tv, magazines etc?

As a woman and for you women readers we can all agree we have friends on Facebook or see a beautiful model and go “god damn I wish I was that skinny.” or “I wish I was as pretty” we all have these moments of doubt and weakness that we just literally…hate ourselves. Why? Because we feel that deep down we are not meeting these weird secret requirements of life and on how we are supposed to look like? Yes. Yes. We all have these moments were we want to look like someone else than our on bodies have given us. We all have the power to changes ourselves such as diet and exercise eating cleaner and doing things that make us happier. It is possible I have done (somethings not saying I am 110% happy with everything but that is how life is right?)

We are slaves to media and lies. Each day a girl starts an eating disorder because she was told that she wasn’t skinny or she was fat or she was ugly. I can vouch and say it isn’t a fun road and allowing people, and the media to poison us (men and women a like) and our minds. I don’t have to do any research to tell you from personal experience that I have been down this road of self-hate and hurting my body because I simply wanted to fit in and be considered “beautiful.” What I was forgetting that I am a beautiful woman on the inside. I am smart, funny, goofy, kind, caring individual that I was forgetting that existed underneath because I have been so wrapped up in “beauty” I wasn’t seeing the beauty in everyday things. I wasn’t seeing beauty in comfy sheets or that my boyfriend loves how excited I get about books and animals.

Beauty: the qualities in a person or a thing that give pleasure to the senses or the mind

I was forgetting thatI my qualities on the inside are beautiful. Not just because of my smile or I fit in a skinny jeans. Its what makes me alive is beautiful in itself. I also feel smart and beautiful when I get a new book and leave the bookstore feeling slightly more intelligent because well I have these pages and it doesn’t matter what kind of book either. It makes me happy, makes me free and makes me feel alive. The same with buying a new notebook to write in. It doesn’t matter if I am writing poems, a note, a story or my thoughts. Its a quality that someone can see how happy I am that I have it. Think about that what is in you that is beautiful?

Beauty  :the quality of being physically attractive

we are all attracted to something different. What I am learning is that being YOU and beauty right there. Ladies I know that some of us have a hard time being ok with ourselves and our bodies. But if we can go out there and strut our stuff in an outfit that we simply love that is beauty. Believe me it is hard. It something that it takes time and some of us may never have that confidence. Trust me I am not perfect no one is. We all go through it at least once or twice a week have this outfit in mind thinking its going to look awesome get it on and then change the outfit 15 times. Men take note this is one of the reasons why it takes some women so long to get dressed because we are having doubt in our attire to which makes us hate ourselves because not only are we trying to look good but to impress you! Men look at all kinds of women in every shape and size. It doesn’t matter. Some men like busty girls some men like smaller waist-ed women, some men like curvaceous women. We are all different. We come in all sizes! Let me tell you from my own personal journey here. I was 117 pounds bones sticking out everywhere. Hey I thought I looked good I was getting what I thought was positive feedback people telling me I was hot, beautiful whatever. No. No I was not. My boyfriend wouldn’t touch me. Now that I have gained the right amount of weight he simply cannot keep his hands off me because he said that “you look healthy and happy and really beautiful when you have meat on your bones.” See. That is what he is attracted too. Girls with more mean on their bones. He said I could be 200 pounds again and he would still love every fat cell in my body. ( I don’t think I could deal with that again but still ladies I am trying to make a point.)

Beauty is not what the media says. Life is not going to be a Victoria Secret Model run way show. Beauty is not being on the cover of Sports Illustrated. (Some girls are lucky this way ok just understand if it’s not meant for you it’s not. I am ok with this.) Hell being a Vegas Show girl is hard enough. I heard a rumor that some of them…are actually guys shhhhh. I am sick and tired of clothing lines and media and assholes judging people based on their height, weight and size.

So for the fact that I say to you all is love yourself, makes me  : a beautiful woman. Because I am learning to free myself from other people’s judgmentalness as well as letting society negativity tell me what I am supposed to look like because I am a woman. Fuck you. Fuck you to those who didn’t notice me when I was a bigger girl. Fuck you to those who thought that since I lost weight I was only then good enough for you. Honey you couldn’t have handled me at any time of my life’s journey. What else is beautiful is that you are here, living life and growing.

That is what beauty is. Beauty is you.