Human Life

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This happens more often then what people think. As I study psychology and become more self-aware of myself I have come to fully understand a lot more about my inner core.

I have been going through a lot since December if 2014 and that is not even mentioning personal reasons prior to this interaction that I have seemed to be now fully committed too.

I keep falling for the same things every single time. I think that I have established trust with someone who I KNOW isn’t worth it, and I KNOW they cannot be trusted period. So why do I keep putting myself in the same position, the same feeling of helplessness, the same feelings of blame, anger, depression. sadness, emptiness, and utter shame? I know that this person tells me things that I want to hear to use me and use my kindness against me. Why? Why do I keep allowing this to happen? I know that it is wrong, I have my friends and family see the pain that I am in constantly by this person’s negligence to fully be contingent of my feelings. That is not love, because I wouldn’t want my best friend to feel how I feel sometimes at the end of the day.

Now back to December of 2014. They say that things happen for a reason. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. I agree to this 110%

I have blogged about this encounter briefly before to which I will at some point in my life actually for once go into full blown detail about the most happiest events in my life. And I say that in just as well. HAPPIEST.

What I am coming around too is that it has taken me years of mental and emotional abuse from someone and even from myself to realize that I have so much potential in this world that I don’t need to feel like I want to run in front of a car while on a walk, or want to slam my car into a tree coming home late from work. I have also realized that I don’t need to keep swishing the empty bottles looking for the answers for my pain, and not fearing that there are monsters in my bed, when it has been both a part of me and someone else who I have loved for so long to make me feel this way.

Humans are a funny thing. We are creatures of here and now. We have so many ample opportunities to do a million different things, and million different opportunities to do nice, or hurtful and evil things to others. Some people in this world clearly lack empathy. It has been documented that we can actually be born with out having the clear understanding of empathy and just go about doing what they think is socially acceptable because they simply cannot feel anything else. Now that is sad believe me, I am personally, very emotional, kind, caring and deep individual. Considering I am a Capricorn.

I am just a scared human being. I am scared of the hurt that is both inside and what could happen on the outside to me that is. Life is scary and we cannot avoid it. I have the power to make myself happy and yet I am obviously going about it the wrong way.

To sum it up I have by the end of August to make your brake.

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Airlines, Death of a Star, and Madness.

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IBeen wrapping things up here getting ready for the treck home…and  I am still in shock and I cannot believe I am actually leaving…SHIT I am in shock my boyfriend is leaving!  

 Also we have lost an amazing actor today in Hollywood. Robin Williams. He took his own life this morning and I am so heart broken…he was such an amazing actor. He had drug issues as well as depression and its understandable. This is why I want to go back to school to help people. To help them with their struggles.  It something that I think I am very good at. There was something else that was going on with his life that he thought that it was much better to go, leaving his wife and children, (grandchildren?) behind. We as humans are always fighting a hard battle. Sometimes those who smile the most are the ones who struggle the most. My heart is sad for his family and as a fan I am sad and heart broken, confused and wondering why? Like everyone else. Death to some, is nothing but an escape, unwanted, unexpected, timed, or needed. I cannot tell you myself for I have thought about my own death. I have even tried taking my own life…on more than one occasion. Sad. I know, I know that suicide is selfish to my family. Am I calling Robin Williams selfish? I don’t know….I am sad that he is gone. No more amazing movies to come, his tv show, his comedy, just him himself. We don’t know what he was dealing with inside and for how long.  I want to study behavioral science. To try and find out why humans think, react, and do things they do. I just wish that he got the help that he KNEW was out there for him….he must have thought that it was easier to let thing go and just…find silence within himself. Death is never easy for anyone. No matter what the situation is. And you know what? It doesn’t matter that he was a famous celebrity. Could have gone to rehab again? Yes. Could he have done something with money? Yes. Pain is pain. NO matter what the issues he was dealing with. Drugs, depression, what have you. It was his struggle his life. His pain. NO money can ease any sort of pain that is inside. NO matter what. I just wish myself personally that love could have been enough for him. Love saved me. And I am heartbroken.

 

On a totally different and unrelated notion I bought my one way ticket back home. Told my mother and she is more than thrilled that I am coming home. Granted it is not what I really wanted to but it is what it is. It took me 2 beers to click and get things ready to go. I hated myself for spending so much money on a one way flight. But I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend. And I am. I also sent out TWO boxes UPS to my mothers house. Not what I wanted to do either. Also SNHU is being a fucking pain in my ASS. UGH. I hope tomorrow there will be more progress. It also didn’t help that I also drank A LOT of Gin but its all good. I am good.

Just sitting on the couch watching Air Force One with another love Harrison Ford, my love, just trying to make things ok before he is gone for 6 months. I am dying. I am…dying on the inside. I mean not really but emotionally. I have had so much being thrown at me this year that its insane. I want to be able to connect with old friends back home maybe really work on my relationship with my family. I also feel that my boyfriends mom is avoiding me at all cost because of reason of unknown. Has he told her that he wanted to end the relationship and she is keeping her distance? am I overreacting like I always do? I don’t know.

I need to go and find something to eat my head is killing me and I am getting tired. GAH. Sunday I am off back home…and I have never been more afraid in all of my life.

Packing, Colleges, Igornace OH MY

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So not like I have a lot going on for me personally.

So I had it in my head today that applying to a college again was the best thing I can add to my plate of fucking shit. I keep shoving it down my throat, choking and no one is there to keep me level headed….go me right? I got up this morning all ready to go after I had fallen back asleep watching 2 episodes of season two of Hannibal got dressed and headed down in to the basement with coffee in hand, laptop and confusion mixed in with anxiety as I had to figure out how I was going to pack all of my shit spend a boat load of money and what not. So from 9-12:30 I was down there drinking coffee, facebooking, watching documentaries on Hulu.com as I was trying to get my shit into a huge big box. Only after I realized a lot of the cloths I had I wasn’t going to miss if I donated it to Goodwill…so I had to go through it again and I have donated a lot things, even books which is shocking. When I cam up for a pee break and potentially some lunch I started looking at colleges again. The Aunt was trying to figure out what she wanted for flooring so I was multitasking, researching and looking at wood flooring. I tried to talk to my old college about things but they just wanted me to start with my fasfa and apply this and that this and that. When I got a phone call from an advisor from DeVry  I was nervous because I thought they were going to give me a whole fucking rigmarole again but no…this time they actually talked to me, they wanted to get to know me and know me, and see where I was headed. We talked about my degree, and we managed to narrow down some things. I originally wanted to go back for Psychology because I want to help people as my career. And Paralegal just wasn’t doing it for me. She suggested Justice of Administration with a concentration in Emergency Management. I get to help people in a psychological manner during like natural disaster’s such as hurricane’s, flooding, shootings, etc. I really want to see myself working in an Emergency room talking with people who have tried suicide, drug addictions, shooting victims etc. I can see myself being that person, someone they can talk too, I am an outsider but I care. Shit I can work in Hostage situations working with the families of victims that are being held hostage.

 

Emergency Management Courses

The Justice Administration degree program with a specialization in Emergency Management may include these career-focused courses:

  • Emergency Management – This course deals with emergency or disaster risk mitigation, preparedness, response, and recovery. Topics include managing complex organizations and emergency decision-making, interagency cooperation, risk assessment, planning preparations, humanitarian interventions, and recovery challenges.
  • Disaster Response – Students in this course explore various types and phases of disasters, responses that are planned or improvised, and problem avoidance during disasters. Urgent care of disaster victims, search and rescue, dealing with fatalities, and models of overall recovery operations are examined.
  • Emergency Planning – In this course, which explores planning within the overall emergency management field and its relationship to mitigation planning, the purpose, principles, processes, and resource aspects of planning are considered for planning teams and organizations, and communication of plans.
  • Terrorism in Emergency Management – Examining emergency management considerations when terrorist behavior or acts are a factor, this course looks at threats, consequences, and responses, with an interagency perspective, through the life cycle of emergency management, from preparedness and planning to long-term recovery.
  • Technology in Emergency Management – In this course, students learn to use technology in emergency planning, response, recovery, and mitigation efforts, as well as key elements that must be in place for technology to enhance the emergency management process. Operational problems and recovery are analyzed.
  • Crisis Intervention – This course explores approaches to intervening in traumatic or dangerous social events precipitated by groups, individuals, or environmental factors, with consequences for individuals or groups. Decision-making under time limitations and uncertainty is considered.

there that sums it up! I am looking forward to a new challenge and I love college. I love learning. And as my boyfriend is going to Antartica this will keep be focused and busy working and studying. DeVry also you don’t have to sit in classes either you do your own thing, post, and submit things and take tests at certain times. I think I can manage that and still do my thing. The hell with it I guess right? I have no money so lets keep adding to the issue. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he didn’t seem interested in my higher learning program. I am hoping since he is at work he will talk to me later and not be a grump about it. If he doesn’t want to talk to me then that will really hurt my feelings I did a lot of research today about it too. He told me to go for it in the first place I would hate to think that he just really doesn’t care. I also have been feeling lately that he is trying to distance himself from me because he is going away. I just found out yesterday that we wont be able to video chat because the connection there isn’t good just being able to send emails and facebook. I had to walk away we were at Cabla’s I needed to decompress the whole thought of NOT seeing him for 6 fucking months. NOT SEEING HIM REALLY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JUST SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

I am also very tired from overthinking and now packing, and now school maybe starting September 1. I need a god damn adult at times.

 

Depression Coming In.

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I started crying again when my boyfriend and I got home from our outing today. He got a package in the mail from the company he got the Antarctica job, it was just luggage stuff but I started losing my shit. I sat on the couch and started crying hysterically. I had to go upstairs because I didn’t want to be around it anymore and I needed to calm down. I needed to breath and think this through. Each day is another day closer to his departure and for me to head back to our home state. I cannot believe that this is happening to me. I am still upset he didn’t sit me down and fucking talk to me about the whole ordeal. I am angry and frustrated. We moved out here to start over and be happy but since this fucking trip of his has made me very depressed. I cannot sleep at a more and I hate this. I fucking FUCKING hate this. I am alone and now I have to go home. I have to travel on an airplane alone I am going to die. I will have an anxiety attack. I am going to get kidnapped. My family is going to run their mouths make me feel more like a piece of shit. I cannot live with my mom again I refuse. I cannot live with my grandfather. I have no where to go. My bestfriend wants me to move in with her but she is a party girl and I can’t allow that to happen. She has already told me that we should just break up and end it so I can do whatever I want. No. I can’t do that. I love him.

I am upset. We were having such a lovely day. We had a lovely lunch at Olive Garden, laughing and giggling and talking about stupid shit. I enjoyed it. I was happy. Till we came back here. I am now depressed and I still want to cry. I don’t know why. I just want to sleep for ever. But even then I cannot sleep. I hate this.

I feel so very lost, and confused. I know some people would tell me that I am being really stupid. No these are my thoughts and feelings. I get it that some women ( and men) their better half is fighting overseas. My boyfriend is not fighting a war. He chose a job because he wanted to this, and didn’t really think about me though he assumed I was going to jump up and down for fucking joy about the whole ordeal leaving for 6 months.  NOT. If we talked about it….it would be different. I have to remember he does what he wants when he wants too how he wants.

I need a god damned stiff drink here. But I am not allowed to drink I guess. AWESOME. Can’t sleep with out a drink now. No sleep.

And I want to read but I will be distracted but I just….I need help. I need someone….to understand me and listen. My words are the only thing that I have at the moment. I wish I could have botched this trip so I could keep him to myself. I know my boyfriend enough to know that he is going to get board and chat to girls online lie say he is single just out of boredom. He does things like this because he can….if only he knew what I was capable of too. I am no angel either so what can I say? We all have secrets and we all have skeletons…I am just a lot better at hiding the key.

I keep telling myself that I am going to keep myself busy while he is away, really work and focus on my writing, perhaps get back into school, get back to the gym, maybe get a dog. Its just things I want to d and these are all great healthy and happy things. But I know that deep down an undersneath it all I am going to be a wreck, be very VERY angry for a long time. Crying all the time. I know me enough to know this is what is going to happen. I know back home I will not have a good support system, all but my boyfriends mom and that is going to be it. But I can’t be with her all the time because well she has a life too. I have no friends really….I mean its crazy. I am crazy. I am just….sad and I am going to be lonely.

I am losing grip here. Losing….it.

Morning Rain

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Lying awake last night, the rain was pounding down on the ground like my heart trying to escape my chest. Like I bird I feel trapped. I am trying to stop the small chest pains I feel when I think of the months ahead with out him. Its amazing how one human being can make you feel so many emotions at once. I try to make myself think of something else, anything else that does not involve this madness. I am such a selfish person in away that its sick. I cannot get the worst out of my head. I don’t know how to stop it. I want it to stop. There is so much to do if he goes, I have to pack and with my head down low go back home to a family that doesn’t understand me and my love for him. They will cut me down and be so insensitive. I have no where to go, I feel like I belong no where.  

I was in and out of dreams as well. I couldn’t help but want to sleep the entire day away. It is still raining. My boyfriend gets up to go to work, I didn’t even hear the alarm go off because I am so tired from dreaming of nothing and anxiety. He kisses me goodbye and says he loves me.  I fall back to sleep, and dream about camping with some old friends, odd but it was soothing because it seemed like we were going to get into some shenanigans and I was looking forward to the movie I was watching. But then I am jolted awake when my boyfriend jumps on me and awakes me up. He is giggling and kissing me. No work due to the rain. Groggy I get up and make myself get dressed. I wanted to sleep all day. I am tired. Jeans a sweater on and my hair in a messy bun I am downstairs. He is watching Rookie Blues on his computer after some investigation about winter boots he needs to find for his trip. I just wanted ONE day with out think about that frozen hell. In my mind its hell and its taking him away. But this is his own doing because he wants to go. So maybe I am being left behind in hell because I am not with him.

The instant coffee is disgusting as always and I am still feeling a little groggy. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be a part of this nightmare anymore. I have a better chance of dreaming of something else than what I am seeing awake,

So much emotion

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I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the last couple of days and I am sorry for not posting that much.

My mind is on fire and I feel like there will be no way of ever shutting it off. Everything is happening so fast too soon and I cannot take or accept this kind of change. I mean I get change, I accept it but not when something like this so drastic really hurts me.

I am exhausted so so exhausted. Its amazing what loving someone can do to your well being. They say you should set it free but for me my love I cannot set free. He is mine, I love him and he knows I am the best woman in his life.

And I am going to make sure that it stays this way.

More tomorrow. Maybe only because I have been giving my love the support that I can just being with him doing what he needs to get done. I want to eat and go right to bed. I have just wanted to sleep for days not wanting to even think about anything in my life right now. It is so much easier to hide behind my eyelids and forget life, for get pain, heartache, money, love, lies anything that bothers me. I am sure a lot can agree. But then I have to wake up or I do, and I everything come back at me like a title wave and I keep crashing again and again up against the rock. I do not wish to be the sea of emotions any longer. I want to be a mountain. Standing tall and strong and actually embracing the elements.

A Case of the Monday’s

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Good Morning. Kind of. Well yes it really is morning for me not sure where for everyone else and depending on what time you read this….moving on.

My weekend was fantastic. AMAZING. Actually. My boyfriend took me out on a date night on Saturday, nice romantic dinner and then we went and saw the movie Tammy which I recommend to those who love comedy. Then we got up super early on Sunday to go the Denver Zoo!!!! 

I love animals so freaking much I actually this week have a job opportunity to work at the zoo doing guest service. How awesome would that be? My friend and family would lose their mind because of how much I love animals. Being so close to them, looking into a gorillas eyes and seeing how closely related we really are took my breath away. Just listening to little children gasp and get just as excited this adult here made me feel alive! I was tugging my boyfriend along going COME ON COME ON! Smiling all day long up until we went to bed. Animals to me are so much more interesting than humans.I have been asked why I never become a zoologist or something in that field. Well I don’t really know. I guess I tried to look at having a degree that would make sure I was getting money. Low and behold not so much. I have a degree and no job to show for it. It makes me feel like maybe I really did chose the wrong path. But what is that path I am supposed to take? Being at the zoo has really made me re-think a lot of things in my life. I was so over joyed walking through the zoo seeing animals that I have only seen on tv and books (internet too) that I wanted to get closer to them. I am not saying I am going to go back to school to work with Animals but I think it is time I get into something that I am very passionate about. Like writing, and helping people. 

I have thought about going back to school to be come an eating disorder consular for adults. I have been battling this illness for so long that I cannot stand the thought of others suffering like I have. (am, is, learning….) As as an Adult it is so much harder to be able to move on and change while as a child/young adult your brain is still developing and can make changes rather quickly I feel personally that is. I am sure people can disagree but I myself as an adult who has started this hellish journey at 19 and it kept going and going and going and going. I want to help and show them that change is possible. But my boyfriend has said its a good idea that I want to help “broken people.” but I need to be fixed myself before giving advice to others or even trying to give advice to those where I can’t even take advice myself. Yes I agree and I know that I say things to other people to help but where I can’t even help myself. Ugh. Such a vicious cycle. 

It seriously took a zoo to made me smile deeply inside to really make a change. Once I can get settled with a job, and money, and a new home school will be on my to do list. 

Meet my new friend the Komodo Dragon 🙂