Anxiety, love, therapy and plane rides

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So its finally has happened. My boyfriend is on his way home. State side. I am flying out around 3:30 to see him. He is making me come to him and not waiting like last year. I feel like something with in him has really changed.

But I say that because I want to believe that. During my therapy session my therapist could tell that I was utterly nervous and anxious and angry and just every sort of emotion one can feel all at once. I haven’t been myself the last couple of days. He was concerned because I was showing sings of anger towards strangers and my behavior was all over the place. I could tell in his face that he was like what the fuck is up with this woman here today? I am usually cool calm and collect and I am thorough with my words when I speak. Today I was jumbled and I was speaking too fast. I was trying not to cry but smile because I am scared and excited to see my love even though we have been through a lot. My therapist says that it seems like I am in a domestic violence relationship minus the actual physical abuse but more mental. He is correct but I ‘know how to just walk away because I don’t want too. I don’t want anyone else to have my boyfriend but me. I am being selfish but fuck.

I know I went to him for a reason was for  my eating disorder but my boyfriend has fucked me up as well. And I know the first step to full recovery is to let things like that go but he is my everything. I don’t want to start over with someone new because I just don’t want too. I do love him with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But his actions are negligent towards our relationship that its the thought that I want him to actually change for us to better US as a whole. I don’t think he fully understands that what he has done to me has really messed me up inside.

I should be sleeping but I just can’t do that. I have even caught up on my school work for us to spend time together and took time off from work for this. I need to see him. 6 months is far too long and more power to the men and women who see their loved ones overseas like this for 18 months at a time. Its insane.

I also the last couple of months have been avoiding my friends that I do have at all costs because I just have been studying and trying to stay focused on my schooling. I want to keep up these good grades. Granted it would be nice to take time off from that but I am so damned close to the finish no way I am backing off now. Also I hate seeing women that I know on Facebook being like oh I am a student with kids and you should be proud of me. I boast about my accomplishments on Facebook too but its also the fact that I don’t need a child to actually BOOST it for me. I am doing this for me and maybe for my future children to see me already being successful before they came because I want them to be comfortable and not see me struggle.

I want a better life. I want to be happy. I have been sleeping on my fucking couch because I don’t like sleeping alone. My bedroom is a war zone with shit. I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should have and its embarrassing. My boyfriend is going to see this and he is going to be ashamed. I know it. He loves me but he shows it so differently. I hope that he is on that plane thinking of US and not thinking about going back on those fucking sites like badoo and meetme and Tinder. I will die. He cannot be doing this anymore.

I told my therapist that I had started writing him a letter about how his actions have hurt me. I did start it but I haven’t finished it. I feel like I get too overwhelmed and I am going to miss something along the way. I know that if I tried to say something to him verbally the words wont come out right. He will get mad at me he always does because he doesn’t want to be in trouble for his actions. He can never take full responsibility for them. He never does and that is the killer here.

Like he got angry that he added one of my hot friends and she deleted him because I told her that the only reason he sent her a request was because I made the mistake of telling him that she was single. She deleted him and blocked him and he blamed me thought that I was the one who hacked into his account. He legit got pissed at me for something she did on her own. Also I caught him because she screen shot him sending her a message about it and I was upset that why would he go out of his fucking way to ask her? His response was “well if you want to know something ask.” well I guess that is true but you shouldn’t have sent her the request in the first place knowing that you guys aren’t really friends. My friend said it was a mistake and she felt horrible. I am not mad at her I was mad at the situation. My boyfriend and I didn’t talk for an entire day then he apologized for being mad and we carried on like nothing ever happened. Makes me wonder who else he has been talking too. Also I find it convenient that the girl he cheated on me with (his brother’s gf) they aren’t together again it seems? Convenient I say because he is on his way home. Trust? Is there trust here? And to think his own step brothers gf. I am not pleased still to this day.

This is supposed to be the best day of my life. And all I want to do is hide.