You can only learn so much and live

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I have skipped an entire month but that is what I do at times.

I have a lot going on and I am going to be brash. I have been whimsy these last several months with my heart and with my mind. I am stuck in a place that I fear to run away from but I need to escape to breath. I have to learn to be on my own and figure out that maybe I should be alone for a long time. I cannot control other people but I can control my life.

And I need to get rid of some things that might look like the best thing that has ever happened to me but they are not. My heart has become black with hatred that I have bestowed on myself and it is not fair. What I have done to myself and others is shameful. I hate myself for it. I hate who I have become in the last several months since December of last year. I have been swept off my feet, caught in a web, and handcuffed to this shame. I am formulating an escape route and it is working out just fine.

My mother has pointed out to me that I am utterly cunning and sneaky when I have to be. Why yes I do considering the state that I am in, I have to be in order to save myself. I am going to admit it yes I am a selfish human fucking being. I am. I have been walked on, verbally, mentally abused, and I have taken shit from just about from everyone. Friends, coworkers, family, partners. I am so utterly tired of this bullshit. So, so tired. I am tired of this life I have been living and the lies and the manipulation. I know I am going to hell and some sort of bad karma is going towards my way for what I have done.

All in the name of feeling alive for once in my life. And it turns out, it is the biggest mistake you can possibly fucking make. When you lose judgement on yourself and then BAM …life happens and you feel more pain then love.

You can only learn so much and live.

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Shallow Me

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There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.

Anxiety and Society

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Anxiety. 

noun
 
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
 
 
Some people are called worry warts. Some actually suffer from anxiety disorders. We all have a tendency to worry about certain things that are in our life. Money, relationships, people, food, our words we say, to the thoughts that we think. We have brains that make us over-think, not thing, lose thoughts whatever. I personally have had some anxiety attacks, meaning where I couldn’t catch my breath I started dry heaving, felt like my chest was going to cave in and it actually hurt. There was this pain that I just would have rather died. Why? Why did these happen? I was 19 years old and got out of a relationship where I thought that I was in love with this guy. I lost weight and I missed him so much and also I was losing site of my life during this awful time period. I know to some that might seem silly but that was what my body was doing. My brain was wrapped around this thought of love, myself hatred self loathing and jealously of other girls in this mans life. It was stupid I know to get so worked up over something like that. But it now as I am older amazing that I allowed someone to control me like this.
 
Also for some people anxiety just comes out of no where. For me as of right now I have been struggling with get my career started. Because everyone is looking for a paralegal with 5+ years experience and no one wants to give me a chance to show them what I am worth. Also I am very smart and I am quick and eager to learn new things. I have started to wonder if that was even the right choice. I guess not. I have also been applying to places that are in high demand. Administrative jobs are what everyone wants to do. Work in an office make some decent amount of money. Perfect right? This is a competitive job and I also seem to be slacking in this department. After so many great interviews (well I was told it was wonderful and they were looking forward to seeing me soon.) Nothing has gotten me anywhere. Not my smile, not my awesome resume, not my amazing personality. I have started to seek into a depression that I am nothing. That  I am no good for anyone. Just to be a server. I do not want to serve again but I also cannot be poor. I have cried, I have screamed. I have started yet again to have anxiety attacks. This time I have developed this condition where my back breaks out. I also still get the shortness of breath, my chest is heavy and it hurts. As an adult I didn’t think my anxiety would be like this. I have started to over think my life, I am afraid my boyfriend thinks I am a loser and he is going to leave me because I cannot get a job or worse cheat on me with someone more established. I am afraid that I will be kicked to the streets.  
 
I haven’t been sleeping good lately because at night when the brain seems to be the most active and I start to over think things, make myself sad worrying about the worst. I have these clips in my head playing like a movie sometimes I pretend I am rich if I had gotten a certain job I wanted or sometimes it turns into a bad drama movie. Its crazy how my mind works but that is what makes all of humans interesting. We all think and feel differently, we all love differently, we all show emotions differently. I may have cried a little today when I didn’t get the job I wanted because I was upset. (My back hasn’t started to itch yet so that is a good sign ….unless its a creeper and I will start to scratch later…hmm) I felt depressed, then I started to have an anxiety attack. My chest started to get tighter, then I started to think of crazy things again. I didn’t want to disappoint my boyfriend but I cannot lie to him so I still told him anyways. I feel like shit but I did it. But of course he was not upset with me. He said it happens just keep trying. Then I of course freaked out and said if I started serving it was going to ruin our relationship and he was going to hurt me. He said it is not going to ruin our relationship. We are fine. He came home just a few minutes ago and gave me a nice big smooch and said he loved me more than anything. Sometimes words make humans feel better. Well this one at least. And kisses. And of course puppies. I love puppies. 
 
I know that today so many people abuse the system and start on welfare getting assistance whatever. Feeding off the hard working classes. I am not one of those people. I have only once filed for Unemployment and that my friend made me feel like a piece of shit. I refused when I got a job again that I would never file again. I have grown up with out having much but also been living on my own for a few years I have learned to depend on myself and I have learned how to budget. Today people don’t seem to care as long as they get free money, and assistance. I know that not everyone who needs the help is abusing the system. Some people have disabilities as well as other complications that do not allow them to work. But what I am pointing at are those who are very capable to work don’t. I have seen it with my own eyes those who can who don’t. Makes me frustrated. And I chose as of right now not getting the help because I am capable of working and I am smart enough to work.  I just haven’t found the right employer to give me a chance. Or maybe as I have stated before its time for a real career change for me, back to school think things through. 
 
Anxiety really can take a toll on someone. Especially me.