Human Life

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This happens more often then what people think. As I study psychology and become more self-aware of myself I have come to fully understand a lot more about my inner core.

I have been going through a lot since December if 2014 and that is not even mentioning personal reasons prior to this interaction that I have seemed to be now fully committed too.

I keep falling for the same things every single time. I think that I have established trust with someone who I KNOW isn’t worth it, and I KNOW they cannot be trusted period. So why do I keep putting myself in the same position, the same feeling of helplessness, the same feelings of blame, anger, depression. sadness, emptiness, and utter shame? I know that this person tells me things that I want to hear to use me and use my kindness against me. Why? Why do I keep allowing this to happen? I know that it is wrong, I have my friends and family see the pain that I am in constantly by this person’s negligence to fully be contingent of my feelings. That is not love, because I wouldn’t want my best friend to feel how I feel sometimes at the end of the day.

Now back to December of 2014. They say that things happen for a reason. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. I agree to this 110%

I have blogged about this encounter briefly before to which I will at some point in my life actually for once go into full blown detail about the most happiest events in my life. And I say that in just as well. HAPPIEST.

What I am coming around too is that it has taken me years of mental and emotional abuse from someone and even from myself to realize that I have so much potential in this world that I don’t need to feel like I want to run in front of a car while on a walk, or want to slam my car into a tree coming home late from work. I have also realized that I don’t need to keep swishing the empty bottles looking for the answers for my pain, and not fearing that there are monsters in my bed, when it has been both a part of me and someone else who I have loved for so long to make me feel this way.

Humans are a funny thing. We are creatures of here and now. We have so many ample opportunities to do a million different things, and million different opportunities to do nice, or hurtful and evil things to others. Some people in this world clearly lack empathy. It has been documented that we can actually be born with out having the clear understanding of empathy and just go about doing what they think is socially acceptable because they simply cannot feel anything else. Now that is sad believe me, I am personally, very emotional, kind, caring and deep individual. Considering I am a Capricorn.

I am just a scared human being. I am scared of the hurt that is both inside and what could happen on the outside to me that is. Life is scary and we cannot avoid it. I have the power to make myself happy and yet I am obviously going about it the wrong way.

To sum it up I have by the end of August to make your brake.

Shallow Me

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There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.

33 Weird Thoughts Every Woman Starts Having In Her Mid 20s

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everyinkspotblog:

These are very true and very funny!

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

1. “Is it normal to hate everybody? Are the people around me insufferable or is it just me?”

2. “I don’t know why there aren’tnutrition labels on wine bottlesbut I support whatever that reason is.”

3. “So I really have no idea how to save for retirement orwhat’s best for my credit score or what the difference is between CDs or other accounts they talk about on the commercials, but I’m financially stable enough not to have to ask my dad for help, so I’m just gonna wait until that’s not the case anymore or I’ll just WikiHow everything. That’s basically the game plan.”

4. “Would what I am doing right now be called trashy in some circles? Because I’m thinking yes.”

5. “Or I can just find somebody really really rich, marry them and maintain a very happy surface level relationship and never worry about a thing again.”

6…

View original 632 more words

Start of New Year

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Well it is the start of the new year and I have been trying to stay positive through it all.

I have a lot of thinking to do meaning what is really important in my life and who. I am going to be 26 on Saturday and it scares me. Why you may ask? Because I honestly didn’t see myself in the position that I am in now. But then again does anyone really have their life the way that they wanted and or envisioned? I don’t really think so.

I wanted to be engaged, getting ready to be married, perhaps start a family before 30. Have my dream job. But no. I am working on my second degree which is going quite well so that is something that I can say that I am proud about myself. I am loving my psychology class that I am currently taking. I will be on my way to helping others in a few years. I also need to learn to help myself first. I have been telling myself I will see someone soon but it never happens. I know what my demons are but I am in a sick way afraid to lose them. Why? Because they are all I have known for years and it is almost comforting to know that they are there in the back of my mind. Lurking with in the shadows. They are with me every step that I take, they are behind every smile that I fake to even smothering me while I cry myself to sleep at night at times.

I was having really bad anxiety attacks last month to a point where I was waking up in the middle of the night trying to breath. I could feel my chest getting tighter and I was almost gasping for breath. Nightmares were in full force again for me too. It seemed the only thing at night to put me to sleep for a few hours were kissing the bottle and yet that too at times didn’t seem to help.

But it is the new year and I have not had a big anxiety attack. I have not had any nightmares, nor do I need to kiss the bottle to ease me into sleep. I am trying to stay focused on school as usual, I am there for my best friend who has cancer. I am taking the blunt force end of my sister inlaws crazy rants that has to do with work and some personal things. I am always everyone’s scapegoat. I just take it and allow it to hold me down with my anger that is inside.

There isn’t a whole lot I have ever asked for in my life. Just simplicity. I am not a complicated person but it seems that I must be. Perhaps some of the things that I have been doing lately aren’t really good but I know that is something that I like I have already stated need to work on. I have the power to make myself happy. I have always tried but it seems that no matter what I do something back fires. That is why it is called life. It isn’t supposed to be easy. I know this, and I am embracing it really I am. I have come a long way. At 19 I was really going down the wrong path with my life. I wasn’t striving like I am today, I had not ambitions in my life I was going no where. Now I really am on my way to be somebody. I am not saying be somebody famous but at least at the end of my day my contributions to this world for someone else is going to be more rewarding than anything. That is if I actually make it.

Merry Christmas

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So a little over three months since I have lasted posted huh?

So what can happen in three whole months? A lot. Which I am sure everyone is aware themselves from personal experience. I feel as though that my life was dealt this hand for a reason. Because there is someone that is trying to push me over the edge. For what reason? Is there an evil power out there that enjoys watching some people just cave in and just lose themselves to life? Can there really be a higher power so narcissistic enough to push and control someone enough to make them break.

I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years had been cheating on me for 5 years with his brother’s girlfriend. Mind you he said it was over then tries to make it up to me by buying me very expensive gifts to tell me that he loved me and was sorry and couldn’t stand the thought of not having me in his life etc. RIGHT.

What have I been doing? Drinking. Lots of it. And just about everything else that one can think of.. Trying to fully numb an ache that I had been trying to avoid for years living a nightmare that is actually is really true is hard to just let go. I am still in utter shock and in pain about the whole thing.

So in shock that I my pain is being numbed by someone else.

Have it boyfriend. Try me.

Depression and lack of affection.

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Its kind of amazing what a human being call feel all at once. Basically my life so far has been work, school, avoiding certain people of this shit whole town, beer and cigarettes and wondering how long can I really last here? Being in this town has done nothing but drain me and and of my existence. Its already October and the leaves are so beautiful here and its getting colder which makes me more nervous for the winter season that is approaching. I have bad seasonal depression its scary. I know I should go see a doctor but I can’t. I have no money or health insurance.

I am trying to maintain a good friendship with my sister-inlaw. And I am still trying to work out a good healthy relationship with my mother but that in itself is a fucking war-zone party here. I keep thinking I am going to fail school but all of a sudden BOOM 90 on my essay that I cranked out in a matter of 4 hours and I have no idea what the hell I was talking about. I am lacking sleep and I feel like a zombie.

Went to the fair last night with my mother and I do have to say that it was fun, and we did enjoy ourselves. We have our days and its disgusting when she can be so fucking vial. And then she points at me. Wonder where I learned it mommy dearest? Calling the kettle black are we?

My boyfriend seems to be doing just fine alone with out me. Though he sends me sweet Facebook messages and calls me beautiful and he realized that he had made a mistake and that he really wants to marry me etc. Calls me beautiful almost every night. He just really doesn’t get it. I am still hurt and angry, livid he left me alone as usual. I am just all messed up. I am starting to panic that I can’t take this life anymore or the shit that he deals me. This is a real test of love if I can manage and survive without him.

I am getting heartburn because I am retarted and stressing myself out. I am tired been doing school work since 10:30 been up since 7:30 blah. Not ok. I have so much to do its crazy. Got to be at work for tomorrow. I am getting so lonely and depressed. Angry and confused. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I need love and affection.

Fuck.

Long Time….

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It has been a while since I posted last. I have been working on getting my grades topnotch as well as trying to get back in to the swing of working in the restaurant business again. It is tiring but I have had the week off to get back on my feet with school.

I still have a heavy heart due to circumstances that I learned when I got home about my boyfriend and our friend. He sent be beautiful flowers and I guess I have another gift coming next week for me. Its been over a month since I have last seen him and I am dying. I feel hollow at times especially at night because I cannot think and when I do its always dangerous. I feel jaded, I feel used. I feel so wounded its not fair. I want to do something destructive myself but its not right and I know this. I just drink till I fall asleep again and that isn’t healthy. I am becoming paranoid if I don’t get back to the gym I am going to become morbidly obese again. I need to do something constructive with my life…I know I am going school for something that I have always been passionate about. I want to help people. I guess my boyfriend was right when he said I need to help myself before I can help others.

I guess I feel defeated because I hate when I am always right about things that hurt the most. And yet as I look in the mirror I see black eyes looking back at me sneering at my own injustice. Lately men have been crawling out of the woodwork to “be my friend.” and wanting to take me out on dates. DUDE did you not see I am in a fucking relationship?! I fucking hate this hell whole town. Everyone is poison and I hate it with a passion. I want to scream and run away already. Been one month and I am starting to get sick when I come into town. I get angry easy and frustrated. My patience is running on a thin line and I am afraid of the day that it will snap or something.

I am waiting on one friend of mine that I hope has made a change in her life. I told myself when I cam home that I was going to separate myself from her because of her life style and the fact of how she doesn’t like my relationship with my boyfriend. She isn’t jealous she is just worried he is going to hurt me again and again. She has been there at the worst times, my boyfriend and I were having a really hard time and she only sees the bad. I told her he can be a douchebag but hes mine. I am just trying to focus on school work at the library. I have always loved this library. Perhaps its the only good thing about this fucking hell whole town.