So its finally has happened. My boyfriend is on his way home. State side. I am flying out around 3:30 to see him. He is making me come to him and not waiting like last year. I feel like something with in him has really changed.
But I say that because I want to believe that. During my therapy session my therapist could tell that I was utterly nervous and anxious and angry and just every sort of emotion one can feel all at once. I haven’t been myself the last couple of days. He was concerned because I was showing sings of anger towards strangers and my behavior was all over the place. I could tell in his face that he was like what the fuck is up with this woman here today? I am usually cool calm and collect and I am thorough with my words when I speak. Today I was jumbled and I was speaking too fast. I was trying not to cry but smile because I am scared and excited to see my love even though we have been through a lot. My therapist says that it seems like I am in a domestic violence relationship minus the actual physical abuse but more mental. He is correct but I ‘know how to just walk away because I don’t want too. I don’t want anyone else to have my boyfriend but me. I am being selfish but fuck.
I know I went to him for a reason was for my eating disorder but my boyfriend has fucked me up as well. And I know the first step to full recovery is to let things like that go but he is my everything. I don’t want to start over with someone new because I just don’t want too. I do love him with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But his actions are negligent towards our relationship that its the thought that I want him to actually change for us to better US as a whole. I don’t think he fully understands that what he has done to me has really messed me up inside.
I should be sleeping but I just can’t do that. I have even caught up on my school work for us to spend time together and took time off from work for this. I need to see him. 6 months is far too long and more power to the men and women who see their loved ones overseas like this for 18 months at a time. Its insane.
I also the last couple of months have been avoiding my friends that I do have at all costs because I just have been studying and trying to stay focused on my schooling. I want to keep up these good grades. Granted it would be nice to take time off from that but I am so damned close to the finish no way I am backing off now. Also I hate seeing women that I know on Facebook being like oh I am a student with kids and you should be proud of me. I boast about my accomplishments on Facebook too but its also the fact that I don’t need a child to actually BOOST it for me. I am doing this for me and maybe for my future children to see me already being successful before they came because I want them to be comfortable and not see me struggle.
I want a better life. I want to be happy. I have been sleeping on my fucking couch because I don’t like sleeping alone. My bedroom is a war zone with shit. I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should have and its embarrassing. My boyfriend is going to see this and he is going to be ashamed. I know it. He loves me but he shows it so differently. I hope that he is on that plane thinking of US and not thinking about going back on those fucking sites like badoo and meetme and Tinder. I will die. He cannot be doing this anymore.
I told my therapist that I had started writing him a letter about how his actions have hurt me. I did start it but I haven’t finished it. I feel like I get too overwhelmed and I am going to miss something along the way. I know that if I tried to say something to him verbally the words wont come out right. He will get mad at me he always does because he doesn’t want to be in trouble for his actions. He can never take full responsibility for them. He never does and that is the killer here.
Like he got angry that he added one of my hot friends and she deleted him because I told her that the only reason he sent her a request was because I made the mistake of telling him that she was single. She deleted him and blocked him and he blamed me thought that I was the one who hacked into his account. He legit got pissed at me for something she did on her own. Also I caught him because she screen shot him sending her a message about it and I was upset that why would he go out of his fucking way to ask her? His response was “well if you want to know something ask.” well I guess that is true but you shouldn’t have sent her the request in the first place knowing that you guys aren’t really friends. My friend said it was a mistake and she felt horrible. I am not mad at her I was mad at the situation. My boyfriend and I didn’t talk for an entire day then he apologized for being mad and we carried on like nothing ever happened. Makes me wonder who else he has been talking too. Also I find it convenient that the girl he cheated on me with (his brother’s gf) they aren’t together again it seems? Convenient I say because he is on his way home. Trust? Is there trust here? And to think his own step brothers gf. I am not pleased still to this day.
This is supposed to be the best day of my life. And all I want to do is hide.
After having my small mini melt down earlier today I had to take a step back and breath.
I had to remember that 8 years ago today. I tried to commit suicide. I know not such a lovely memory is it ? Well its is a part of my past and it happened. I have the scar on my wrist to prove my ignorance. Over. Love.
I was 19. Depressed. Drunk. Lonely. My ex boyfriend was sending me nasty text messages that he never loved me and all that mean stuff one says. I thought then that was it for me. I remember it through my drunken haze. The blood dripping cold of my finger tips hitting the floor of my living room. The awful scream my mother made when she found me. We have never talked about it. What is there to talk about? I cleaned up my mess and as usual apologized for my actions. Moved on.
I have moved on from my ex believe me. We are friends, civil and I wish him the best. What I haven’t moved on from, is that my ignorance and pain still haunts me. it will always haunt me because I bare the scars.
Now with my current boyfriend he doesn’t like this holiday period and thinks its stupid and hates it so much that he in away hates buying anything because its money to the businesses. I understand. I don’t ask for much. Do I like gifts? Yes. Of course who doesn’t? But I agree with him that I don’t need a fucking holiday to have him show me he loves me.
It is insane that things are the way that they are for me. I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But here I am. And here I am living. That is something I should be more proud of actually. I was trying to end my life today 8 years ago. But here I am. Back in the house I tried. Trying to woo my boyfriend to hopefully put a ring my finger and make me his wife.
Its just the things I think of late at night when I have work in the morning and been drinking. Isn’t funny?
So it is Valentine’s Day. Another year alone with out my boyfriend. I was doing all right. We talked last night for 4 hours, exchanged some photos that I just melted when I saw him. He laughed and asked deep questions that it seemed like we wouldn’t have asked each other over a year ago. It does seem that absence does make the heart grow fonder. Granted not everyone agrees with me that its ok for him to up and leave but who am I to stop him? I have been down this road with him before and we did our fighting and screaming. I have grown so much since his first trip to McMurdo Station and I have matured enough to breath. I can breath with out him here. I think that we have actually grown. Well to an extent. We have a lot to figure out.
Now that its 2016 and in September it will mark that we have been together for 8 years. Yes.8 years. Today I was being a Facebook stalker not doing my Anatomy quiz as I was sipping my coffee, Silence of the Lambs playing in the background in honor of its 25th debut anniversary I came across his ex-gf’s page. She got engaged. She got engaged to a man that she has been dating less than a year. My heart started racing as I started going through her public pictures of her engagement. Lovely. Stunning. Outdoors. So loving and tender I got angry. Why? They only dated 2 years. And that was so long ago. I have moved on from this. I set my coffee down and sat back. Looking down at my own hands I have two beautiful rings from him and a stunning necklace that he has gotten me. One ring for our 3rd year anniversary the other a smokey quartz for Christmas/Birthday when we lived in Colorado. None of these engagement rings. Just….a gift.
Maybe its because I am a girl and growing up that is what you do, fall in love, you get married have a house raise children. I am 27 years old he will be 28 this wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted us to have been married a few years ago and and maybe had a baby on the way NOW. But. That was then. I am more than willing to wait on the children part. I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life and no one else. I am drawn to him and need him in my life forever. He is my best friend. My pain the ass. He makes me angry and cry and I scream. He makes me happy and loved and comforted and safe. We have a different type of relationship that seems to work for US an that is all that matters. Yes there are things we both have to work on and that is fine. I am willing to accept the changes and needs too as well.
Now that its time for him to embark home again I am gearing up for maybe a chance he will finally want to make the commitment…well…. Forever. If he already told me that he doesn’t want anyone else then lets make it legal. For several reasons. ONE. If something were to happen while he was down there he put his Father down. He knows and I know, that his father isn’t going to do shit. TWO. IF there was an emergency I have my passport to fly to him even in NZ. His father doesn’t. THREE. If I am the wife, I can be on his insurance as well as be up to date with things. Like stated before emergencies. FOUR. I can finally say HUSBAND and it sounds more stable than boyfriend if he is down there that it proves to people that we are committed to one another. And its also been long enough. I am not going to be 40 and then get married. He just thinks that its just a stupid piece of paper well yes and no but also its the fact that at the end of the day, I am your partner for life, and legally I have my spousal rights. I have him. He has me. We have each other.
I don’t know if I am utterly losing it or am I over thinking this or am I just a completely jealous girl friend? I don’t now anymore. He just needs to come home and I know him, he will leave for Antarctica again. If he does I want him to either leave with a ring on his finger or mine.
I shouldn’t have told my friends that I was studying psychology and becoming a counselor.
Now all they do is come to with issues as if I know how to solve them. That is the beauty of therapy. I don’t have the answers. I will help guide you to the answers that you already know. Also. I am not a professional. Yet. But I know enough how to point them in the right direction. And them being my friends I want to help them because I care. This is what I want to do for a living.
And I am seeing a therapist myself. For me to be able to help others I need to help myself. And I can’t bring myself to admit this to anyone because its for me and me alone. I am not ashamed of seeing my therapist I am seeing progress. But I want to help those I care about too but I have to think about ethical issues in the future as well. There are boundaries I cannot allow to slip just because they are “friends.” or family and I need to remember this for my future.
I get upset when someone comes to me with issues about addiction and my opinions and such. Its touchy subject on number of reasons. First this town that I grew up in is not what it was. My whole family was born and raised here and its crumbling at my feet as I type this. Its heart breaking. I have seen beautiful photos that my own Grandfather took of what this place used to look it and it was breath taking. Like how can society destroy this?! Drugs have overtaken my town and it has taken people I know away from me and their families. I have dealt my hand into substance abuse and I can admit that I was stupid, ignorant and wrong. I stopped. I stopped because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was hurting myself, and I was hurting those around me. But they didn’t know what I was doing and that alone was dangerous enough for me to be aware of my actions. That is another reason why I decided to go back to school to make a difference. I have my days but I am still fighting my ED and I am working on healing myself. I know that I can’t fix everyone. That is not how this works. You win some and you lose.
I mean I am not upset my friends come and talk to me, I am just worried that they think I know everything when I don’t how will I ever know everything?! I wont! Even if I do become a professional.
I think of all these things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed. I have started my next term and I am taking Anatomy and I am freaking out because that is a lot of information to take in for 8 weeks. My grades have been stellar and I have joined The National Society of Leadership and Success because of my said good grades and yet I don’t feel as though I really deserve it. Why? Because I am just taking one class at a time not rushing around campus with 5 other classes to cram into my busy schedule. I am not that important. I am just trying to learn, and go out there and be someone. Be someone for myself. I feel as though I could have done more. I should do more. For whom though? Myself? Society? My community? Who am I ? I am just another walking human being brought into this world unannounced liked most. I have been shoved into this world and I refuse to be a slave to a mundane existence. I live in a town where it seems to be crumbling at my feet due to drugs and living off of welfare. This isn’t how its supposed to be or is it? We now have GoFundMe pages for those who don’t want to work and show me that they are too lazy to work hard because everyone else is getting hand outs for their poor life choices. It makes me angry. I have never begged for anything in my life accept for a puppy.
I know that everyone is battling hard challenges too but damnit if you are unhappy with something change it. I am trying to learn from my own fucking mistakes can’t others? Why are we allowing such things? I get up put my two feet on the ground go to work, come home study do my school work, cry and scream at myself daily. I have dreams too and I want the greater things in life and I know that they don’t come for free. I have accepted that its going to be an uphill battle. For some it might not be that bad. For me I have never had anything easy. I have to lose in order to gain. But to lose all of my sanity in the process is something I am not going to accept.
I know I cannot make the world a better place. What I can do is make it better for me.
That is what I need to focus on. Being a better person for myself. For my family. For my loved ones my friends. Those whom I admire who are in my life. I will shine. Show this town that I am not going to succumb to their normalcy. I will rise. I have too. Its only up from here right?
So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.
He has started me writing down what I have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.
I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.
Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.
I guess its because I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.
I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.
My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.
This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.
I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.
Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.