More Valentine’s Woes.

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After having my small mini melt down earlier today I had to take a step back and breath.

I had to remember that 8 years ago today. I tried to commit suicide. I know not such a lovely memory is it ? Well its is a part of my past and it happened. I have the scar on my wrist to prove my ignorance. Over. Love.

I was 19. Depressed. Drunk. Lonely. My ex boyfriend was sending me nasty text messages that he never loved me and all that mean stuff one says.  I thought then that was it for me. I remember it through my drunken haze. The blood dripping cold of my finger tips hitting the floor of my living room. The awful scream my mother made when she found me. We have never talked about it. What is there to talk about? I cleaned up my mess and as usual apologized for my actions. Moved on.

I have moved on from my ex believe me. We are friends, civil and I wish him the best. What I haven’t moved on from, is that my ignorance and pain still haunts me. it will always haunt me because I bare the scars.

Now with my current boyfriend he doesn’t like this holiday period and thinks its stupid and hates it so much that he in away hates buying anything because its money to the businesses. I understand. I don’t ask for much. Do I like gifts? Yes. Of course who doesn’t? But I agree with him that I don’t need a fucking holiday to have him show me he loves me.

It is insane that things are the way that they are for  me. I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But here I am. And here I am living. That is something I should be more proud of actually. I was trying to end my life today 8 years ago. But here I am. Back in the house I tried. Trying to woo my boyfriend to hopefully put a ring my finger and make me his wife.

Its just the things I think of late at night when I have work in the morning and been drinking. Isn’t funny?

 

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Learning

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I shouldn’t have told my friends that I was studying psychology and becoming a counselor.

Now all they do is come to with issues as if I know how to solve them. That is the beauty of therapy. I don’t have the answers. I will help guide you to the answers that you already know. Also. I am not a professional. Yet. But I know enough how to point them in the right direction. And them being my friends I want to help them because I care. This is what I want to do for a living.

And I am seeing a therapist myself. For me to be able to help others I need to help myself. And I can’t bring myself to admit this to anyone because its for me and me alone. I am not ashamed of seeing my therapist I am seeing progress. But I want to help those I care about too but I have to think about ethical issues in the future as well. There are boundaries I cannot allow to slip just because they are “friends.” or family and I need to remember this for my future.

I get upset when someone comes to me with issues about addiction and my opinions and such. Its touchy subject on number of reasons. First this town that I grew up in is not what it was. My whole family was born and raised here and its crumbling at my feet as I type this. Its heart breaking. I have seen beautiful photos that my own Grandfather took of what this place used to look it and it was breath taking. Like how can society destroy this?! Drugs have overtaken my town and it has taken people I know away from me and their families. I have dealt my hand into substance abuse and I can admit that I was stupid, ignorant and wrong. I stopped. I stopped because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was hurting myself, and I was hurting those around me. But they didn’t know what I was doing and that alone was dangerous enough for me to be aware of my actions. That is another reason why I decided to go back to school to make a difference. I have my days but I am still fighting my ED and I am working on healing myself. I know that I can’t fix everyone. That is not how this works. You win some and you lose.

I mean I am not upset my friends come and talk to me, I am just worried that they think I know everything when I don’t how will I ever know everything?! I wont! Even if I do become a professional.

I am just trying to be a good person all around.

It’s only up from here.

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I think of all these things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed. I have started my next term and I am taking Anatomy and I am freaking out because that is a lot of information to take in for 8 weeks. My grades have been stellar and I have joined The National Society of Leadership and Success because of my said good grades and yet I don’t feel as though I really deserve it. Why? Because I am just taking one class at a time not rushing around campus with 5 other classes to cram into my busy schedule. I am not that important. I am just trying to learn, and go out there and be someone. Be someone for myself. I feel as though I could have done more. I should do more. For whom though? Myself? Society? My community? Who am I ? I am just another walking human being brought into this world unannounced liked most. I have been shoved into this world and I refuse to be a slave to a mundane existence. I live in a town where it seems to be crumbling at my feet due to drugs and living off of welfare. This isn’t how its supposed to be or is it? We now have GoFundMe pages for those who don’t want to work and show me that they are too lazy to work hard because everyone else is getting hand outs for their poor life choices. It makes me angry. I have never begged for anything in my life accept for a puppy.

I know that everyone is battling hard challenges too but damnit if you are unhappy with something change it. I am trying to learn from my own fucking mistakes can’t others? Why are we allowing such things? I get up put my two feet on the ground go to work, come home study do my school work, cry and scream at myself daily. I have dreams too and I want the greater things in life and I know that they don’t come for free. I have accepted that its going to be an uphill battle. For some it might not be that bad. For me I have never had anything easy. I have to lose in order to gain. But to lose all of my sanity in the process is something I am not going to accept.

I know I cannot make the world a better place. What I can do is make it better for me.

That is what I need to focus on. Being a better person for myself. For my family. For my loved ones my friends. Those whom I admire who are in my life. I will shine. Show this town that I am not going to succumb to their normalcy. I will rise. I have too. Its only up from here right?

 

 

 

I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

27 going on extinct

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Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.

 

I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.

 

My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.

 

This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.

 

Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.

Yelling at myself silently in the bathroom tub

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I keep find excuses not to go to the fucking doctor like my counselor has advised me too because I don’t want to go through that experience again with the machines, the blood work, the notion that I am giving up my ED its so scary.

I know the difference between right and wrong. I am studying this and its something I don’t want to let go. Its mine. My own. This is my demon. I know there are others struggling too but. Its mine. I gained weight since being 117 pounds but I want to be that skinny again and I know how to do it. I need to get back into over exercising again, stop drinking and eating all together. I am eating to play face so I have to purge. I hate bulimia. Anorexia was so much easier I just didn’t eat. This is so difficult and I hate not being in control. Now its over eating and puking that is where I am gaining the weight and that does happen. I fluctuate from 120-135 so that really fucking bothers me. I hate that about myself. I have to be on the scale I have to know, I have to see I need to know why I hate my body so fucking much.

 

I am sitting on my bathtub rim wrapped in a towel hiding from my mother. Why? Because something inside of me knows that she has been a key component to my disorder as well as body image issues from my childhood as being and obese girl. I have had too many fits over my body then too that its not fair to be feeling this way.

I know that my relationship isn’t the best or the healthiest and I do mean that both ways. I have a lot to learn and I  just want to be left alone with my own devices. I shouldn’t have gone to seen the counselor it was a bad Idea.

 

No no its not you can do this.

Shallow Me

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There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.