Learning

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I shouldn’t have told my friends that I was studying psychology and becoming a counselor.

Now all they do is come to with issues as if I know how to solve them. That is the beauty of therapy. I don’t have the answers. I will help guide you to the answers that you already know. Also. I am not a professional. Yet. But I know enough how to point them in the right direction. And them being my friends I want to help them because I care. This is what I want to do for a living.

And I am seeing a therapist myself. For me to be able to help others I need to help myself. And I can’t bring myself to admit this to anyone because its for me and me alone. I am not ashamed of seeing my therapist I am seeing progress. But I want to help those I care about too but I have to think about ethical issues in the future as well. There are boundaries I cannot allow to slip just because they are “friends.” or family and I need to remember this for my future.

I get upset when someone comes to me with issues about addiction and my opinions and such. Its touchy subject on number of reasons. First this town that I grew up in is not what it was. My whole family was born and raised here and its crumbling at my feet as I type this. Its heart breaking. I have seen beautiful photos that my own Grandfather took of what this place used to look it and it was breath taking. Like how can society destroy this?! Drugs have overtaken my town and it has taken people I know away from me and their families. I have dealt my hand into substance abuse and I can admit that I was stupid, ignorant and wrong. I stopped. I stopped because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was hurting myself, and I was hurting those around me. But they didn’t know what I was doing and that alone was dangerous enough for me to be aware of my actions. That is another reason why I decided to go back to school to make a difference. I have my days but I am still fighting my ED and I am working on healing myself. I know that I can’t fix everyone. That is not how this works. You win some and you lose.

I mean I am not upset my friends come and talk to me, I am just worried that they think I know everything when I don’t how will I ever know everything?! I wont! Even if I do become a professional.

I am just trying to be a good person all around.

I am trying

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So I have gone and seen my counselor twice now and it has gone rather well. The sad part is I already know what  have to do in order to de-stress myself and I am not ready to let any of that go. I don’t want to believe that I have to let go of one thing in order to let go of my ED that to me is unfair. I have control of what I want in my life.

He has started me writing down what I  have been eating and what my feelings have been and what actions that I have been doing. It sounds silly but know this and I know I have to do this in order for him to help me. I have to keep up wit this and take action to a healthier better me.

 

I just wanted to say that I am fucking trying ok. At least I can say I tried.

You can only learn so much and live

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I have skipped an entire month but that is what I do at times.

I have a lot going on and I am going to be brash. I have been whimsy these last several months with my heart and with my mind. I am stuck in a place that I fear to run away from but I need to escape to breath. I have to learn to be on my own and figure out that maybe I should be alone for a long time. I cannot control other people but I can control my life.

And I need to get rid of some things that might look like the best thing that has ever happened to me but they are not. My heart has become black with hatred that I have bestowed on myself and it is not fair. What I have done to myself and others is shameful. I hate myself for it. I hate who I have become in the last several months since December of last year. I have been swept off my feet, caught in a web, and handcuffed to this shame. I am formulating an escape route and it is working out just fine.

My mother has pointed out to me that I am utterly cunning and sneaky when I have to be. Why yes I do considering the state that I am in, I have to be in order to save myself. I am going to admit it yes I am a selfish human fucking being. I am. I have been walked on, verbally, mentally abused, and I have taken shit from just about from everyone. Friends, coworkers, family, partners. I am so utterly tired of this bullshit. So, so tired. I am tired of this life I have been living and the lies and the manipulation. I know I am going to hell and some sort of bad karma is going towards my way for what I have done.

All in the name of feeling alive for once in my life. And it turns out, it is the biggest mistake you can possibly fucking make. When you lose judgement on yourself and then BAM …life happens and you feel more pain then love.

You can only learn so much and live.

Depression and lack of affection.

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Its kind of amazing what a human being call feel all at once. Basically my life so far has been work, school, avoiding certain people of this shit whole town, beer and cigarettes and wondering how long can I really last here? Being in this town has done nothing but drain me and and of my existence. Its already October and the leaves are so beautiful here and its getting colder which makes me more nervous for the winter season that is approaching. I have bad seasonal depression its scary. I know I should go see a doctor but I can’t. I have no money or health insurance.

I am trying to maintain a good friendship with my sister-inlaw. And I am still trying to work out a good healthy relationship with my mother but that in itself is a fucking war-zone party here. I keep thinking I am going to fail school but all of a sudden BOOM 90 on my essay that I cranked out in a matter of 4 hours and I have no idea what the hell I was talking about. I am lacking sleep and I feel like a zombie.

Went to the fair last night with my mother and I do have to say that it was fun, and we did enjoy ourselves. We have our days and its disgusting when she can be so fucking vial. And then she points at me. Wonder where I learned it mommy dearest? Calling the kettle black are we?

My boyfriend seems to be doing just fine alone with out me. Though he sends me sweet Facebook messages and calls me beautiful and he realized that he had made a mistake and that he really wants to marry me etc. Calls me beautiful almost every night. He just really doesn’t get it. I am still hurt and angry, livid he left me alone as usual. I am just all messed up. I am starting to panic that I can’t take this life anymore or the shit that he deals me. This is a real test of love if I can manage and survive without him.

I am getting heartburn because I am retarted and stressing myself out. I am tired been doing school work since 10:30 been up since 7:30 blah. Not ok. I have so much to do its crazy. Got to be at work for tomorrow. I am getting so lonely and depressed. Angry and confused. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I need love and affection.

Fuck.

Airlines, Death of a Star, and Madness.

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IBeen wrapping things up here getting ready for the treck home…and  I am still in shock and I cannot believe I am actually leaving…SHIT I am in shock my boyfriend is leaving!  

 Also we have lost an amazing actor today in Hollywood. Robin Williams. He took his own life this morning and I am so heart broken…he was such an amazing actor. He had drug issues as well as depression and its understandable. This is why I want to go back to school to help people. To help them with their struggles.  It something that I think I am very good at. There was something else that was going on with his life that he thought that it was much better to go, leaving his wife and children, (grandchildren?) behind. We as humans are always fighting a hard battle. Sometimes those who smile the most are the ones who struggle the most. My heart is sad for his family and as a fan I am sad and heart broken, confused and wondering why? Like everyone else. Death to some, is nothing but an escape, unwanted, unexpected, timed, or needed. I cannot tell you myself for I have thought about my own death. I have even tried taking my own life…on more than one occasion. Sad. I know, I know that suicide is selfish to my family. Am I calling Robin Williams selfish? I don’t know….I am sad that he is gone. No more amazing movies to come, his tv show, his comedy, just him himself. We don’t know what he was dealing with inside and for how long.  I want to study behavioral science. To try and find out why humans think, react, and do things they do. I just wish that he got the help that he KNEW was out there for him….he must have thought that it was easier to let thing go and just…find silence within himself. Death is never easy for anyone. No matter what the situation is. And you know what? It doesn’t matter that he was a famous celebrity. Could have gone to rehab again? Yes. Could he have done something with money? Yes. Pain is pain. NO matter what the issues he was dealing with. Drugs, depression, what have you. It was his struggle his life. His pain. NO money can ease any sort of pain that is inside. NO matter what. I just wish myself personally that love could have been enough for him. Love saved me. And I am heartbroken.

 

On a totally different and unrelated notion I bought my one way ticket back home. Told my mother and she is more than thrilled that I am coming home. Granted it is not what I really wanted to but it is what it is. It took me 2 beers to click and get things ready to go. I hated myself for spending so much money on a one way flight. But I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend. And I am. I also sent out TWO boxes UPS to my mothers house. Not what I wanted to do either. Also SNHU is being a fucking pain in my ASS. UGH. I hope tomorrow there will be more progress. It also didn’t help that I also drank A LOT of Gin but its all good. I am good.

Just sitting on the couch watching Air Force One with another love Harrison Ford, my love, just trying to make things ok before he is gone for 6 months. I am dying. I am…dying on the inside. I mean not really but emotionally. I have had so much being thrown at me this year that its insane. I want to be able to connect with old friends back home maybe really work on my relationship with my family. I also feel that my boyfriends mom is avoiding me at all cost because of reason of unknown. Has he told her that he wanted to end the relationship and she is keeping her distance? am I overreacting like I always do? I don’t know.

I need to go and find something to eat my head is killing me and I am getting tired. GAH. Sunday I am off back home…and I have never been more afraid in all of my life.

So much emotion

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I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the last couple of days and I am sorry for not posting that much.

My mind is on fire and I feel like there will be no way of ever shutting it off. Everything is happening so fast too soon and I cannot take or accept this kind of change. I mean I get change, I accept it but not when something like this so drastic really hurts me.

I am exhausted so so exhausted. Its amazing what loving someone can do to your well being. They say you should set it free but for me my love I cannot set free. He is mine, I love him and he knows I am the best woman in his life.

And I am going to make sure that it stays this way.

More tomorrow. Maybe only because I have been giving my love the support that I can just being with him doing what he needs to get done. I want to eat and go right to bed. I have just wanted to sleep for days not wanting to even think about anything in my life right now. It is so much easier to hide behind my eyelids and forget life, for get pain, heartache, money, love, lies anything that bothers me. I am sure a lot can agree. But then I have to wake up or I do, and I everything come back at me like a title wave and I keep crashing again and again up against the rock. I do not wish to be the sea of emotions any longer. I want to be a mountain. Standing tall and strong and actually embracing the elements.

Storms and Tea and Naps?

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I wanted to sleep all day. I don’t know why either. Last night I went to bed at a decent time too with my boyfriend and we laid there with the windows open just listening to the rain. There was thunderstorm and it was so romantic in itself. When he left for work I just wanted to sleep forever. I don’t know what came over me. I felt so tired still, so depressed that getting out of the covers and turning the fan off just seemed utterly impossible.

My boyfriend didn’t have work again today and that was good/bad at the same time. I love spending time because I know pretty soon hopefully if I ever get a fucking job I wont ever see him because I will be working weekends I am sure. And insert the high anxiety NOW to all the endless possibilities of what will happen then.

I have been drinking tea all day (after two cups of coffee.) and I just want to sleep still. I feel out of it, and detached from everyone. Like I feel like I am not welcomed anymore in the house, I feel that my weight gain is getting out of control. I am being mocked since I don’t have a job right now. I just…I don’t know.

I want to sleep for a little while. Just a little while…