Jealousy and Loneliness

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So it is Valentine’s Day. Another year alone with out my boyfriend. I was doing all right. We talked last night for 4 hours, exchanged some photos that I just melted when I saw him. He laughed and asked deep questions that it seemed like we wouldn’t have asked each other over a year ago. It does seem that absence does make the heart grow fonder. Granted not everyone agrees with me that its ok for him to up and leave but who am I to stop him? I have been down this road with him before and we did our fighting and screaming. I have grown so much since his first trip to McMurdo Station and I have matured enough to breath. I can breath with out him here. I think that we have actually grown. Well to an extent. We have a lot to figure out.

 

Now that its 2016 and in September it will mark that we have been together for 8 years. Yes.8 years. Today I was being a Facebook stalker not doing my Anatomy quiz as I was sipping my coffee, Silence of the Lambs playing in the background in honor of its 25th debut anniversary I came across his ex-gf’s page. She got engaged. She got engaged to a man that she has been dating less than a year. My heart started racing as I started going through her public pictures of her engagement. Lovely. Stunning. Outdoors. So loving and tender I got angry. Why? They only dated 2 years. And that was so long ago. I have moved on from this. I set my coffee down and sat back. Looking down at my own hands I have two beautiful rings from him and a stunning necklace that he has gotten me. One ring for our 3rd year anniversary the other a smokey quartz for Christmas/Birthday when we lived in Colorado. None of these engagement rings. Just….a gift.

Maybe its because  I am a girl and growing up that is what you do, fall in love, you get married have a house raise children. I am 27 years old he will be 28 this wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted us to have been married a few years ago and and maybe had a baby on the way NOW. But. That was then. I am more than willing to wait on the children part. I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life and no one else. I am drawn to him and need him in my life forever. He is my best friend. My pain the ass. He makes me angry and cry and I scream. He makes me happy and loved and comforted and safe. We have a different type of relationship that seems to work for US an that is all that matters. Yes there are things we both have to work on and that is fine. I am willing to accept the changes and needs too as well.

Now that its time for him to embark home again I am gearing up for maybe a chance he will finally want to make the commitment…well…. Forever. If he already told me that he doesn’t want anyone else then lets make it legal. For several reasons. ONE. If something were to happen while he was down there he put his Father down. He knows and I know, that his father isn’t going to do shit. TWO. IF there was an emergency I have my passport to fly to him even in NZ. His father doesn’t. THREE. If I am the wife, I can be on his insurance as well as be up to date with things. Like stated before emergencies. FOUR. I can finally say HUSBAND and it sounds more stable than boyfriend if he is down there that it proves to people that we are committed to one another. And its also been long enough. I am not going to be 40  and then get married. He just thinks that its just a stupid piece of paper well yes and no but also its the fact that at the end of the day, I am your partner for life, and legally I have my spousal rights. I have him. He has me. We have each other.

I don’t know if I am utterly losing it or am I over thinking this or am I just a completely jealous girl friend? I don’t now anymore. He just needs to come home and I know him, he will leave for Antarctica again. If he does I want him to either leave with a ring on his finger or mine.

My luck with him its not going to happen.

 

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Human Life

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This happens more often then what people think. As I study psychology and become more self-aware of myself I have come to fully understand a lot more about my inner core.

I have been going through a lot since December if 2014 and that is not even mentioning personal reasons prior to this interaction that I have seemed to be now fully committed too.

I keep falling for the same things every single time. I think that I have established trust with someone who I KNOW isn’t worth it, and I KNOW they cannot be trusted period. So why do I keep putting myself in the same position, the same feeling of helplessness, the same feelings of blame, anger, depression. sadness, emptiness, and utter shame? I know that this person tells me things that I want to hear to use me and use my kindness against me. Why? Why do I keep allowing this to happen? I know that it is wrong, I have my friends and family see the pain that I am in constantly by this person’s negligence to fully be contingent of my feelings. That is not love, because I wouldn’t want my best friend to feel how I feel sometimes at the end of the day.

Now back to December of 2014. They say that things happen for a reason. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. I agree to this 110%

I have blogged about this encounter briefly before to which I will at some point in my life actually for once go into full blown detail about the most happiest events in my life. And I say that in just as well. HAPPIEST.

What I am coming around too is that it has taken me years of mental and emotional abuse from someone and even from myself to realize that I have so much potential in this world that I don’t need to feel like I want to run in front of a car while on a walk, or want to slam my car into a tree coming home late from work. I have also realized that I don’t need to keep swishing the empty bottles looking for the answers for my pain, and not fearing that there are monsters in my bed, when it has been both a part of me and someone else who I have loved for so long to make me feel this way.

Humans are a funny thing. We are creatures of here and now. We have so many ample opportunities to do a million different things, and million different opportunities to do nice, or hurtful and evil things to others. Some people in this world clearly lack empathy. It has been documented that we can actually be born with out having the clear understanding of empathy and just go about doing what they think is socially acceptable because they simply cannot feel anything else. Now that is sad believe me, I am personally, very emotional, kind, caring and deep individual. Considering I am a Capricorn.

I am just a scared human being. I am scared of the hurt that is both inside and what could happen on the outside to me that is. Life is scary and we cannot avoid it. I have the power to make myself happy and yet I am obviously going about it the wrong way.

To sum it up I have by the end of August to make your brake.

Grumpy Boyfriend Strikes Again!

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Its slightly sad when my I try and show my boyfriend some affection because he had a bad day at work and I want to give him all of my love before we don’t see each other for months. It was really rainy and out here they don’t work. So when he came home I tried to give him a kiss and he just brushed by me. OK I get it he is grumpy. He storms upstairs to change so I go and look at him and he goes “WHAT?” I told him I just wanted to give him a kiss and he goes “You don’t need to block me in first thing I get through the door.” Fine. Be a god damned jerk to me before you go. I grab my computer and slammed the bedroom door and now I am not going to speak to him till he apologizes to me. I was just trying to comfort him and he knows that. Not like I was the one who made it rain or that I was the one who didn’t call him for work. I am his fucking girlfriend who was trying to make him feel better but instead he is being selfish and decided to hurt my feelings instead because that is just what he does to me. I have nothing else going on in my life but blogging and figure out how the fuck I am going to get my shit back to the East Coast. God damn he is so conceded.

See my life in a nutshell. It also doesn’t help that my best friend is giving me shit about coming home because she is all like “your boyfriend controls you and you need to live your life you don’t need his permission to do anything, and its a waste for you to wait for him. You need to be the happy and free individual that you are inside. You need to live girl.” OK first off, no one controls me. My friend in her own mindset needs to realize that unlike her I know how to have ONE partner. She only saw the bad when we broke up for a few months and how he treated me. She likes to be a little mean when she says “Ya you are so in love.” Well god damnit I am. I do what I want when I want too anyways. Granted we don’t have the best relationship but at least I love or try and show him love. He better get out of the fucking grumpy mood because it had nothing to do with me in the first place.

Death and Silence.

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I just got some terrible news from my brother. Our stepdad well he hasn’t really been our legal stepfather never was but he was the man that basically raised my brother and I when we were kids and was with our mother for almost 18 years is dying of terminally ill cancer. He has kidney cancer and it has taken its toll and has a few days to live. He and our mother haven’t been together for a few years and she was for the longest time such a mean woman about it and it was getting old. When I did go home to visit he asked about her and I could tell In his eyes he still cared for her but they couldn’t be together anymore. There was just too much pain and from growing up that in its self another whole story all on its own. He was very thin, hair was turning gray against the black. His green eyes once bright now gray and almost haunted, you could see the cancer really taking him. He wanted our mother to come to his benefit dinner. She refused and I remember I called her a fucking conceded bitch to not respect a dying mans wish then DON’T call me crying when he passes. Our own Grandfather went and said he had a good time, talking and such and felt bad for him. This was coming from a man back in the day who didn’t really care for our stepdad….now….the dark horse is coming for my stepdad and I am besides myself. Everything hit me at once. With my boyfriend and now this, I am trapped and I cannot escape.

I figured my boyfriend would like to give me a hug and support me. But no. He has left me alone when he should know by now I am not good at being alone especially if its about my family. Nope. He is hanging out with his uncle watching fencing having a grand old time while I am very upset. He came over to me and said a little while ago “So what’s the game plan you going home?” Tears cascading down my cheeks I shook my head and shrugged and took a long hot ass shower to try and stop myself from screaming at him. I am very confused at his lack of empathy in his system. I am very upset. Maybe he does want me to go home so he can have some fun out here before he leaves…get a little random fat tail some BBW in his life. String her along and break her heart…or her ass not sure what.

See he should know by now that I become very cynical when I am upset and angry. I have to say that is a trait I got from my mother….ugh. See with that other statement when I mentioned BBW’S yeah cynical-ness came out a wee bit. I am just not winning.

Its hard to really say goodbye to a loved one. But does one really say goodbye even if they have had the time to do so? The pain doesn’t go away, its there it lingers there like wool blanket and it can smother you. When my grandmother passed away I thought I was dying. Dying of sadness and the hole that was in my heart. It was such a rough time. Death is never easy even with a beloved pet its never easy to say goodbye. Some people deal with it differently. When my biological father suddenly passed away I thought the world exploded and I was falling into an abyss. I had just gotten him back into my life and then he was really gone for good this time, no coming back he wasn’t hiding in plain sight. He was gone. It was no secret about my stepfather’s cancer. I knew it was going to happen eventually and its heartbreaking still. We didn’t have the best relationship but he loves my brother and I as much as he loves his own biological children. No human being is perfect, and he did the best that he could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes he was a good guy. My memories of him that I will keep forever are him doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, he loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy he always won because he is smart! Always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. He used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then he rolled them for a long time. His beer of choice was Natural Lite. He was in the Army but never talked about it. He also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. He also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer. We would listen to oldies and he would quiz me on who the artist was. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. He would also try and quiz me on big words. He always wore flannel. In every color. These are my memories. My thoughts and I hope he knows and from the last time we spoke I really meat I loved him. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and he would call me Brat. But as he got sick we stopped saying “I hate you.” by really saying “I love you.” even though it meant the same thing. I hope he goes in peace knowing at least my brother and I love him and always have and have always been thankful for him being in our lives.

to my stepdad I hope you find peace where you go. You will soon be reunited with your mom, dad, and your brother. I love you.

So much emotion

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I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the last couple of days and I am sorry for not posting that much.

My mind is on fire and I feel like there will be no way of ever shutting it off. Everything is happening so fast too soon and I cannot take or accept this kind of change. I mean I get change, I accept it but not when something like this so drastic really hurts me.

I am exhausted so so exhausted. Its amazing what loving someone can do to your well being. They say you should set it free but for me my love I cannot set free. He is mine, I love him and he knows I am the best woman in his life.

And I am going to make sure that it stays this way.

More tomorrow. Maybe only because I have been giving my love the support that I can just being with him doing what he needs to get done. I want to eat and go right to bed. I have just wanted to sleep for days not wanting to even think about anything in my life right now. It is so much easier to hide behind my eyelids and forget life, for get pain, heartache, money, love, lies anything that bothers me. I am sure a lot can agree. But then I have to wake up or I do, and I everything come back at me like a title wave and I keep crashing again and again up against the rock. I do not wish to be the sea of emotions any longer. I want to be a mountain. Standing tall and strong and actually embracing the elements.

A Whole Lot of IF’S

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So there comes a time in our lives where we sit back and go. “Have I really done enough?” I am only 25 years old and I don’t understand half of the things I have put myself through. For what? Nothing. I keep having dreams about going to colleges. Is this my subconscious telling me I need to go back for something else? Maybe. Now how about this? My boyfriend and I have moved to Colorado from New Hampshire in November because thanks to him he got a job working at a resort running snowcats and he has always wanted to go here. I got my job we moved, I suffered with a shitty roommate, season ended and now he has been working on becoming a cop because he went to school for it. So as he is waiting on the department he has been working at a construction company and he hates it. He is just burnt out and I can fully understand that. He has been doing it for so long and now that he has a career in mind he wants to start it. So now he has been applying to different places and now he has an opportunity to go run a machine in Antarctica. 

Wow.

Here are a few issues. He wants to go but is confused on the timing because of the academy. So is this something to take up and miss out on his dream career or just he go take a job of a life time and then leave me behind for a few months? Now I am being utterly selfish as I should here’s why.

We moved 2,000 miles away from our families. But he has family here that we are currently staying with. I don’t get to see mine ever. Just phone calls. We moved out here to start our new life and become established and start building ourselves. Now saying he takes the job…what about me? I am not allowed to go, so do I go back to New Hampshire? Do I wait it out and wait for him so he can have fun? Why keep moving place to place all because he wants to do something. Do I stay in Colorado? Its frustrating and confusing at the same time. I also don’t want to be that girl friend who holds him back on things but I also don’t want to lose him either. And of course me being me…what about my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation? Do I keep my mouth shut because if I do voice my feelings it ends up as a fight….because of my emotions. I have a right to voice them but I don’t to cause an issue either because he is already confused in the first place. I don’t want to keep adding to it. 

So my heart is pounding against my chest. My thoughts are going all over the place. I don’t know what I am going to do if it takes it. He better have that planned too then I guess. 

My life. A complicated hot mess. 

Sizing up?

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For some reason all day I thought that today was July 13, why I am not quite sure but it has just stuck with me good thing I didn’t write any checks or someone asking me what the date was because I would have been wrong all together. 

Anywho.

Today is Monday (I know this) the early Morning came too fast for me as my boyfriend kissed me goodbye as he was leaving for work, I remember falling back into a restless slumber to only awaken to my bladder violently screaming at me. I bolted up and grabbed some cloths to throw on real quick. When a noise caught me off guard. I could hear someone in the bathroom that my boyfriend and I use. I go in and there is the Aunt going at the toilet with a plunger. “Nope don’t use this toilet.” she said. “WHY?!” I said for I was crossing my legs. “Its clogged I don’t know what is wrong with this damned thing.” I roll my eyes and turn around to go downstairs to use that one. I got half way down the lower level when I see my boyfriend sitting in the chair, using his computer. “Hey baby!” I shouted and ran up to him “What are you doing here?” He started to giggle he has such a cute man giggle. (that is possible believe me I know.) He said “Got sent home.” my mind is now starting to panic thinking that he quite or he said something, but he is a man of little words so that wouldn’t be possible. So I give him this look like wtf and said it was because of the rain last night it was too muddy to work on the project. I was happy he was home in a way I guess I acted like a little child I still get butterflies when I see him. Yes almost 6 years together the man makes me gitty still that is one of the things I consider love. Then it hit me. I had to pee. So I kissed him on the cheek and ran to the bathroom and peed. After that I came back out and said I should go put a bra on. He laughed and I went back upstairs. I looked at the aunt and said What a surprise downstairs! She laughed. I changed and came back to make my morning coffee. I wasn’t really feeling well either. But something was bothering me. It was the way my boyfriend was so quiet and I could see the look in his face. He was not pleased. I knew exactly what it was. He has been upset lately because working construction has burnt him out. He is done. He is beyond sick of doing it. The pay may be good but he isn’t the guy. He has been thinking about the military again and feels out of it because he has to drop the weight. I told him that I will help and support him no matter what he decides to do. (and if so there needs to be a ring on my left hand.) 

So I let him be as he was applying to different places, I asked him about his cop things and he said he was looking. I have learned over the years now when he is upset like this just let him do his own thing. I know that in the past when he gets like this we tend to but heads and we each do stupid things that hurt one another. (Makes no sense I know believe me my life.) He took a break to help the aunt use the neighbors shop-vac to unclog the toilet. Come to find out it was a chicken bone. WEIRD. After that was over my boyfriend looked at me and said “did you do that?” What what WHAT?? I shook my head and said “No why would I do something that stupid?” he shrugs and said “Because of the stuff you do.” I could taste my coffee turning sour in my stomach and the sides of my jaw clenching up at this. He walked past me, leaving his scent of old-spice spray behind. I held myself pretty well. I am not sure if he really fully understood what he said, and in the tone of how he said it. When he is in bad mood his whole tone changes, his voice, the way that he speaks and its always towards me. I didn’t want to start a fight especially over my emotions because according to him I over react. I made another instant coffee held my tears back. I kept saying in my head “let the words go, let the words go.” deep breaths. I grabbed my Kindle and just started talking to a friend on Facebook who made me feel better. In away I understand the words said to me, because of my eating disorder but to assume I would be that ignorant to place a bone down the toilet is insane. I know bones can clog a toilet. Words can hurt. I then started to feel depressed, sadden, and all that normal things that tends to happen when I feel down. After an hour or so I laid down on the couch, feeling very VERY defeated, started to fall asleep. When the boyfriend asked me what I wanted for lunch. I said nothing because I wasn’t hungry. He laid down next to me and cuddled and asked why I was upset and being a lounge lizard. I shrugged. I was not about to mention it. After about 10 minutes of silence my boyfriend goes. “I am sorry if what I said seemed offensive, I didn’t mean it like that or saying it I guess. You are doing so well and I am proud of you I am sorry. Do you want to get Sushi for lunch?” WINNER. He for once THOUGHT about it! I am proud of HIM for realizing he did make me upset. So I got Sushi for lunch 🙂

Later we went to Wal-Mart and I cashed my checks from my old job (Bonus Checks I guess? SCORE) and I bought not afraid to admit it either I needed shorts. And a summer dress. I tried looking for new bra’s as well but that didn’t happen. I felt a little bad for myself because I just wanted my boobs to be perky and bigger. Also trying on Wal-Mart clothing is tedious for me. Size 4 is too big and a size 3 juniors are a little snug but fit. Messed up much? I 12 year old girl was looking at me funny as I was shopping in the juniors section. I just tilted my head and said excuse me as I was trying to grab a pair of shorts behind her. I didn’t get them anyways but such is life. As I was in and out of the fitting room I started to think about last summer when I was 117 pounds and dying and how my bones were sticking out everywhere and how my legs looked so frail in jean shorts. Now I am a little toned, I have hips and a tummy. I looked long and hard at myself. I did for a while wanted to be that skinny again, have all those whispers said, all the jealous looks from girls. But you know something? I still do in a way. I look healthy and that should be what girls should be jealous about. HEALTHY BODIES. It is slowly making sense to me. Granted everyday seems like a challenge and a personal goal to not self harm. It sucks. I walked out with 3 size 4 shorts (one actually a squirt my boyfriend picked it out and it was cute!) and one new summer dress size Medium and for once I am so proud of myself for my purchase. Not the lady at the check out she was bitching she was trying to close up and she just wanted to help me go but she kept repeating she wanted to leave it was time for her to leave. I almost said something but since my boyfriend was with me I didn’t. I can be quite a verbal bitch when something like this happens. and one of the shorts I bought didn’t have a tag and that was just THE WORST THING EVER. Come on, I didn’t bitch when I had to wait 15 minutes at the service desk because only 2 people were there. Why at Wal-Mart there are a billion registers but like 4 lanes open? boggles my mind. 

I drove to Wal-Mart and back home. I get nervous I am still not used to the roads here but I didn’t get killed or kill anyone. 

So all and all does size matter? I am learning no. What matters is sizing up meaning be who you want to be. Fill yourself up with greatness and everyone will see beauty in every in and every pound. I am me and that is never going to change.