So as the days and hours are dwindling down to when I go back to the homestead, today has been a somber day. Personal reflection and depression as slowly started to creep in to me, devouring every light that is left inside of me. The actuality that I am not going to see my boyfriend for 6 months has gotten in a stage of feeling blank. I was doing his laundry as he decided to work every day up until his departure which I personally felt that it was selfish not to spend an entire day wit me. I just wanted a little US time before he left. And I mean by that doing something fun, laughing and feeling the love that we share between us. But no…he said “I need the money.” The man is going to be freaking loaded OK? But he is a grown man and he makes his own big kid decisions. And sometimes I am not in the decision process, not even a thought, not even a gesture.
With all of these sad and depressing thoughts have entered my brain I was plugging away as well today at my college work. I am not officially an SNHU student I got my books ordered for the term, I am only taking ONE class just to get back into the swing of things. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and I thought….this is my time. When I get home, to fully let everything go really do some soul searching. And if my boyfriend wants that still with me, we can grow again. This is going to either make or brake us. I am 25 years old and I have given him everything of me. But I have realized that I always did what he wanted to do. It was a one way street. That is not how a relationship works. So I realized this relationship for certain periods of time were very unhealthy. I am in love with him more than words could describe, I want to be his wife some day. This time apart will I hope for his end make him want me more. Or perhaps he wont want me anymore. And if that time comes….breathing, tears down my face it will be something I will either live with or against. Love is grand and he is my world. My best friend, my lover, my koala bear, my love love. HIs arms always wrapping around me holding me, tickling me, poking me, horsing around. What have you. I told him last night as we were lying in bed that I just wanted something from him before or on Sunday morning before my flight, at least words of pure loving coming from him and not “ya I love you.” to me that is not enough. Humans throw the I LOVE YOUS out to anything and anyone like its another tissue, and I am not going to be the snotty one that gets thrown away that easily. He said he would find something to express himself because he isn’t a very emotional man but this is something that I down right deserve.
I have been packing and unpacking my bags, trying to get everything all set and ready to go. I am so excited to start school and start learning new things, I am nervous and excited to start working again with my sister in-law. I am about to burst to hug my Grampa I am in stoked to surprise him!
I know that I have wonderful friends back home who are willing to take care of me they have already told me so, I also have some friends I am going to reconnect with some old friends. And I am excited about it. Slightly nervous about reconnecting with one but I have a good head on my shoulders and I think I can take care of things on my own. I have to learn how to take care of things on my own now. I have a lot to learn.
My boyfriend should be home soon and we have a lot to do tonight. I hope he does something lovely for me but I am not going to be holding my breath because I don’t want to be stabbed again, considering I am already bleeding enough as it is.
You can only learn so much and live.