Packing, Colleges, Igornace OH MY

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So not like I have a lot going on for me personally.

So I had it in my head today that applying to a college again was the best thing I can add to my plate of fucking shit. I keep shoving it down my throat, choking and no one is there to keep me level headed….go me right? I got up this morning all ready to go after I had fallen back asleep watching 2 episodes of season two of Hannibal got dressed and headed down in to the basement with coffee in hand, laptop and confusion mixed in with anxiety as I had to figure out how I was going to pack all of my shit spend a boat load of money and what not. So from 9-12:30 I was down there drinking coffee, facebooking, watching documentaries on Hulu.com as I was trying to get my shit into a huge big box. Only after I realized a lot of the cloths I had I wasn’t going to miss if I donated it to Goodwill…so I had to go through it again and I have donated a lot things, even books which is shocking. When I cam up for a pee break and potentially some lunch I started looking at colleges again. The Aunt was trying to figure out what she wanted for flooring so I was multitasking, researching and looking at wood flooring. I tried to talk to my old college about things but they just wanted me to start with my fasfa and apply this and that this and that. When I got a phone call from an advisor from DeVry  I was nervous because I thought they were going to give me a whole fucking rigmarole again but no…this time they actually talked to me, they wanted to get to know me and know me, and see where I was headed. We talked about my degree, and we managed to narrow down some things. I originally wanted to go back for Psychology because I want to help people as my career. And Paralegal just wasn’t doing it for me. She suggested Justice of Administration with a concentration in Emergency Management. I get to help people in a psychological manner during like natural disaster’s such as hurricane’s, flooding, shootings, etc. I really want to see myself working in an Emergency room talking with people who have tried suicide, drug addictions, shooting victims etc. I can see myself being that person, someone they can talk too, I am an outsider but I care. Shit I can work in Hostage situations working with the families of victims that are being held hostage.

 

Emergency Management Courses

The Justice Administration degree program with a specialization in Emergency Management may include these career-focused courses:

  • Emergency Management – This course deals with emergency or disaster risk mitigation, preparedness, response, and recovery. Topics include managing complex organizations and emergency decision-making, interagency cooperation, risk assessment, planning preparations, humanitarian interventions, and recovery challenges.
  • Disaster Response – Students in this course explore various types and phases of disasters, responses that are planned or improvised, and problem avoidance during disasters. Urgent care of disaster victims, search and rescue, dealing with fatalities, and models of overall recovery operations are examined.
  • Emergency Planning – In this course, which explores planning within the overall emergency management field and its relationship to mitigation planning, the purpose, principles, processes, and resource aspects of planning are considered for planning teams and organizations, and communication of plans.
  • Terrorism in Emergency Management – Examining emergency management considerations when terrorist behavior or acts are a factor, this course looks at threats, consequences, and responses, with an interagency perspective, through the life cycle of emergency management, from preparedness and planning to long-term recovery.
  • Technology in Emergency Management – In this course, students learn to use technology in emergency planning, response, recovery, and mitigation efforts, as well as key elements that must be in place for technology to enhance the emergency management process. Operational problems and recovery are analyzed.
  • Crisis Intervention – This course explores approaches to intervening in traumatic or dangerous social events precipitated by groups, individuals, or environmental factors, with consequences for individuals or groups. Decision-making under time limitations and uncertainty is considered.

there that sums it up! I am looking forward to a new challenge and I love college. I love learning. And as my boyfriend is going to Antartica this will keep be focused and busy working and studying. DeVry also you don’t have to sit in classes either you do your own thing, post, and submit things and take tests at certain times. I think I can manage that and still do my thing. The hell with it I guess right? I have no money so lets keep adding to the issue. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he didn’t seem interested in my higher learning program. I am hoping since he is at work he will talk to me later and not be a grump about it. If he doesn’t want to talk to me then that will really hurt my feelings I did a lot of research today about it too. He told me to go for it in the first place I would hate to think that he just really doesn’t care. I also have been feeling lately that he is trying to distance himself from me because he is going away. I just found out yesterday that we wont be able to video chat because the connection there isn’t good just being able to send emails and facebook. I had to walk away we were at Cabla’s I needed to decompress the whole thought of NOT seeing him for 6 fucking months. NOT SEEING HIM REALLY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JUST SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

I am also very tired from overthinking and now packing, and now school maybe starting September 1. I need a god damn adult at times.

 

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Grumpy Boyfriend Strikes Again!

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Its slightly sad when my I try and show my boyfriend some affection because he had a bad day at work and I want to give him all of my love before we don’t see each other for months. It was really rainy and out here they don’t work. So when he came home I tried to give him a kiss and he just brushed by me. OK I get it he is grumpy. He storms upstairs to change so I go and look at him and he goes “WHAT?” I told him I just wanted to give him a kiss and he goes “You don’t need to block me in first thing I get through the door.” Fine. Be a god damned jerk to me before you go. I grab my computer and slammed the bedroom door and now I am not going to speak to him till he apologizes to me. I was just trying to comfort him and he knows that. Not like I was the one who made it rain or that I was the one who didn’t call him for work. I am his fucking girlfriend who was trying to make him feel better but instead he is being selfish and decided to hurt my feelings instead because that is just what he does to me. I have nothing else going on in my life but blogging and figure out how the fuck I am going to get my shit back to the East Coast. God damn he is so conceded.

See my life in a nutshell. It also doesn’t help that my best friend is giving me shit about coming home because she is all like “your boyfriend controls you and you need to live your life you don’t need his permission to do anything, and its a waste for you to wait for him. You need to be the happy and free individual that you are inside. You need to live girl.” OK first off, no one controls me. My friend in her own mindset needs to realize that unlike her I know how to have ONE partner. She only saw the bad when we broke up for a few months and how he treated me. She likes to be a little mean when she says “Ya you are so in love.” Well god damnit I am. I do what I want when I want too anyways. Granted we don’t have the best relationship but at least I love or try and show him love. He better get out of the fucking grumpy mood because it had nothing to do with me in the first place.

Death and Silence.

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I just got some terrible news from my brother. Our stepdad well he hasn’t really been our legal stepfather never was but he was the man that basically raised my brother and I when we were kids and was with our mother for almost 18 years is dying of terminally ill cancer. He has kidney cancer and it has taken its toll and has a few days to live. He and our mother haven’t been together for a few years and she was for the longest time such a mean woman about it and it was getting old. When I did go home to visit he asked about her and I could tell In his eyes he still cared for her but they couldn’t be together anymore. There was just too much pain and from growing up that in its self another whole story all on its own. He was very thin, hair was turning gray against the black. His green eyes once bright now gray and almost haunted, you could see the cancer really taking him. He wanted our mother to come to his benefit dinner. She refused and I remember I called her a fucking conceded bitch to not respect a dying mans wish then DON’T call me crying when he passes. Our own Grandfather went and said he had a good time, talking and such and felt bad for him. This was coming from a man back in the day who didn’t really care for our stepdad….now….the dark horse is coming for my stepdad and I am besides myself. Everything hit me at once. With my boyfriend and now this, I am trapped and I cannot escape.

I figured my boyfriend would like to give me a hug and support me. But no. He has left me alone when he should know by now I am not good at being alone especially if its about my family. Nope. He is hanging out with his uncle watching fencing having a grand old time while I am very upset. He came over to me and said a little while ago “So what’s the game plan you going home?” Tears cascading down my cheeks I shook my head and shrugged and took a long hot ass shower to try and stop myself from screaming at him. I am very confused at his lack of empathy in his system. I am very upset. Maybe he does want me to go home so he can have some fun out here before he leaves…get a little random fat tail some BBW in his life. String her along and break her heart…or her ass not sure what.

See he should know by now that I become very cynical when I am upset and angry. I have to say that is a trait I got from my mother….ugh. See with that other statement when I mentioned BBW’S yeah cynical-ness came out a wee bit. I am just not winning.

Its hard to really say goodbye to a loved one. But does one really say goodbye even if they have had the time to do so? The pain doesn’t go away, its there it lingers there like wool blanket and it can smother you. When my grandmother passed away I thought I was dying. Dying of sadness and the hole that was in my heart. It was such a rough time. Death is never easy even with a beloved pet its never easy to say goodbye. Some people deal with it differently. When my biological father suddenly passed away I thought the world exploded and I was falling into an abyss. I had just gotten him back into my life and then he was really gone for good this time, no coming back he wasn’t hiding in plain sight. He was gone. It was no secret about my stepfather’s cancer. I knew it was going to happen eventually and its heartbreaking still. We didn’t have the best relationship but he loves my brother and I as much as he loves his own biological children. No human being is perfect, and he did the best that he could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes he was a good guy. My memories of him that I will keep forever are him doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, he loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy he always won because he is smart! Always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. He used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then he rolled them for a long time. His beer of choice was Natural Lite. He was in the Army but never talked about it. He also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. He also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer. We would listen to oldies and he would quiz me on who the artist was. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. He would also try and quiz me on big words. He always wore flannel. In every color. These are my memories. My thoughts and I hope he knows and from the last time we spoke I really meat I loved him. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and he would call me Brat. But as he got sick we stopped saying “I hate you.” by really saying “I love you.” even though it meant the same thing. I hope he goes in peace knowing at least my brother and I love him and always have and have always been thankful for him being in our lives.

to my stepdad I hope you find peace where you go. You will soon be reunited with your mom, dad, and your brother. I love you.

Depression Coming In.

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I started crying again when my boyfriend and I got home from our outing today. He got a package in the mail from the company he got the Antarctica job, it was just luggage stuff but I started losing my shit. I sat on the couch and started crying hysterically. I had to go upstairs because I didn’t want to be around it anymore and I needed to calm down. I needed to breath and think this through. Each day is another day closer to his departure and for me to head back to our home state. I cannot believe that this is happening to me. I am still upset he didn’t sit me down and fucking talk to me about the whole ordeal. I am angry and frustrated. We moved out here to start over and be happy but since this fucking trip of his has made me very depressed. I cannot sleep at a more and I hate this. I fucking FUCKING hate this. I am alone and now I have to go home. I have to travel on an airplane alone I am going to die. I will have an anxiety attack. I am going to get kidnapped. My family is going to run their mouths make me feel more like a piece of shit. I cannot live with my mom again I refuse. I cannot live with my grandfather. I have no where to go. My bestfriend wants me to move in with her but she is a party girl and I can’t allow that to happen. She has already told me that we should just break up and end it so I can do whatever I want. No. I can’t do that. I love him.

I am upset. We were having such a lovely day. We had a lovely lunch at Olive Garden, laughing and giggling and talking about stupid shit. I enjoyed it. I was happy. Till we came back here. I am now depressed and I still want to cry. I don’t know why. I just want to sleep for ever. But even then I cannot sleep. I hate this.

I feel so very lost, and confused. I know some people would tell me that I am being really stupid. No these are my thoughts and feelings. I get it that some women ( and men) their better half is fighting overseas. My boyfriend is not fighting a war. He chose a job because he wanted to this, and didn’t really think about me though he assumed I was going to jump up and down for fucking joy about the whole ordeal leaving for 6 months.  NOT. If we talked about it….it would be different. I have to remember he does what he wants when he wants too how he wants.

I need a god damned stiff drink here. But I am not allowed to drink I guess. AWESOME. Can’t sleep with out a drink now. No sleep.

And I want to read but I will be distracted but I just….I need help. I need someone….to understand me and listen. My words are the only thing that I have at the moment. I wish I could have botched this trip so I could keep him to myself. I know my boyfriend enough to know that he is going to get board and chat to girls online lie say he is single just out of boredom. He does things like this because he can….if only he knew what I was capable of too. I am no angel either so what can I say? We all have secrets and we all have skeletons…I am just a lot better at hiding the key.

I keep telling myself that I am going to keep myself busy while he is away, really work and focus on my writing, perhaps get back into school, get back to the gym, maybe get a dog. Its just things I want to d and these are all great healthy and happy things. But I know that deep down an undersneath it all I am going to be a wreck, be very VERY angry for a long time. Crying all the time. I know me enough to know this is what is going to happen. I know back home I will not have a good support system, all but my boyfriends mom and that is going to be it. But I can’t be with her all the time because well she has a life too. I have no friends really….I mean its crazy. I am crazy. I am just….sad and I am going to be lonely.

I am losing grip here. Losing….it.