Negligence, Pain, Love, Hate, School.

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I know that it has been a long time since I have written anything. Since I have been home I haven’t really had time too blog, or wanted too–there has just been so much that I have been dealing with and I just am tired. So mentally tired from all the stress, pain and hurt. 

Since my stepfathers funeral I thought things were going on the right track, I was trying to stay focused on school, talking to my boyfriend when he could call or get online. I thought that I had my friends back…but no. None of it. NONE OF IT. 

 I have started to slowly sink back in to my old ways again, drinking heavily just to try and sleep, but I don’t sleep even through the pain and droopy eyelids of intoxication I cannot sleep. I have nightmares…nightmares of seeing my stepfather, and what  I just learned that my boyfriend slept with our friend 4 years ago, during a time where we broke up for like a week. I haven’t eaten well, nor taken care of myself. I am trying to numb the pain just to do school work but there even I have lost complete interest in the whole thing. I know its wrong but now i am starting to panic because I can’t drop out now, and I don’t want to have bad grades. 

My so called friends here don’t have time to hang out with me anymore and the last time we spoke they were looking for something, and it was rude. So fucking rude to ask me about that–but couldn’t hang out. I have disassociated myself from them and some others. I also have been sick learning about the events that transpired a few years ago. I really thought that girl was my friend. She said it happened it and was a mistake but she had the fucking audacity to tell me that she had confessed her love to him, but he didn’t say anything back. I hated their friendship for years anyways. I had a gut feeling that something was amiss and I was right. I usually am and I hate that about myself. My boyfriend has explained himself that it was a one time thing, it was over, we were both in  a bad place during one of our dark periods in the relationship that was still essentially fresh for us. I get it. I have done things too but to lie to me all these yeas. He has told me several times now that he wants to marry me, and he wants to meet me in New Zeland were we can visit for 3 weeks when he is done with PEA. He wants to make everything right, he told me, and that he wishes he could have taken it back but of course he can’t. He wants to make me happy. He told the girl that they cannot be friends anymore, because she basically threatened me saying that no matter what she will always be in his life, and that made me unhappy. So he unfriened her on Facebook and told her to that it was time they went their own separate ways and to leave me alone. He said he doesn’t want her to come in-between us. He has changed his attitude since being down in the cold if you will. Usually he would have told me to get over it, and it happened but they are going to be friends. He has said he realized how important I am to him since being there, and that I am the one for him and he cannot say sorry enough for treating me so poorly for years because  I am such an amazing woman. He said he wants to make things right, and be happy and healthy and this is it. I haven’t unfriened her on facebook because she wanted to talk tomorrow, guess she messaged him asking him if he was mad and he just told her that there was no reason to be friends. Mind you this woman was telling me she was an adult now and she didn’t need to explain herself to me, or their friendship. But after a little while the truth came pouring out of her fucking whorish mouth. I hope karma takes place in her life and makes her realize you don’t treat people this way. I knew she was a lying whore and she will always be that way. It is even worse because she has a baby with my boyfriends stepbrother….has she screwed the rest of the brothers? Why not? make it a family affair. I told my boyfriend that I am not allowing her to come in to our lives like this again. She has ruined so much for me. Everything over the past several years now finally makes sense. Her dressing up showing off her tits for him when we would come over for game night, or how she would have to rush in to the bathroom to fix her makeup to be noticed, or how she would just hangout longer than needed when she would come over to study. He told me he isn’t in love with her and never has been, and its always been me. She told me that she confessed her love and she wanted to be with him but he shot her down because he said he is in love with me (this is during idk what breakup) and he couldn’t do that. She told me that she was jealous of my pure devotion to him and only him and she cannot do that with her daughters father. I feel bad for him and I so badly want to tell him all of this. But that would really cause a stir and it will be all my fault and then my boyfriend’s father’s wife would have more fuel to hate me for. But I wasn’t the one who slepted around. I am the one that was lied too and got hurt. 

But for once he is taking my feelings and thoughts into consideration. He said he wants to give me everything that I deserve, such as a ring, the wedding of my dreams, a house, to travel and dog anything he said….anything you want. I want you, and I want to make you happy. 

Wow writing this all down has made my headache go away….that is interesting. I did poorly on one of my quizzes because I have been so worked up, not sleeping, not taking care of myself. Basically just fucking off. I hate how I am always the last person to know everything but I am always the one who pokes the hardest. ….and as the days go by I am really trying to wonder if through all the tears and the lies and heartache….is it really worth it? Is it really worth it for me to wait for him to come back or for me to see him in NZ? Can I trust him? Am I that broken? Am I that fucking damaged now by love that its not worth it anymore. 

 

ALSO my Grandfather has been having good days and bad days with his highblood pressure. Silly old man was eating NOTHING but foods that contained more salt that anything I have consumed in years. Good lord. He is on medication, he is stubborn but I bought good foods for him and he is happy he really likes the Orange Gatorade I wanted him to have it to help with dehydration. He at the doctors now with mom they are taking more blood tests and an x-ray because he is still complaining about headaches. I really can’t lost this man now, not now….not ever really….but…Its not his time. It is not his time for a while and I want him to walk me down the isle at my wedding.  

I am so very tired but I have so much school work, reading I have to write an essay this week, I have to do quizzes. Grampa has to have another medication the doctors think that he has arthritis in his neck that is what is causing the headaches. I suggested getting one of those heating things you throw in the microwave but mom thinks it will be too hot for him so she has an extra heating pad that he can use to lay down on. I guess that could work too so he can sleep better at night. I am just worried.

 

I really should sleep at night but all I want to do is stay up and talk to my love….through all the pain he is the only one I want in this life. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for years and years now…how much more can I take before its too late? 

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Packing, Colleges, Igornace OH MY

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So not like I have a lot going on for me personally.

So I had it in my head today that applying to a college again was the best thing I can add to my plate of fucking shit. I keep shoving it down my throat, choking and no one is there to keep me level headed….go me right? I got up this morning all ready to go after I had fallen back asleep watching 2 episodes of season two of Hannibal got dressed and headed down in to the basement with coffee in hand, laptop and confusion mixed in with anxiety as I had to figure out how I was going to pack all of my shit spend a boat load of money and what not. So from 9-12:30 I was down there drinking coffee, facebooking, watching documentaries on Hulu.com as I was trying to get my shit into a huge big box. Only after I realized a lot of the cloths I had I wasn’t going to miss if I donated it to Goodwill…so I had to go through it again and I have donated a lot things, even books which is shocking. When I cam up for a pee break and potentially some lunch I started looking at colleges again. The Aunt was trying to figure out what she wanted for flooring so I was multitasking, researching and looking at wood flooring. I tried to talk to my old college about things but they just wanted me to start with my fasfa and apply this and that this and that. When I got a phone call from an advisor from DeVry  I was nervous because I thought they were going to give me a whole fucking rigmarole again but no…this time they actually talked to me, they wanted to get to know me and know me, and see where I was headed. We talked about my degree, and we managed to narrow down some things. I originally wanted to go back for Psychology because I want to help people as my career. And Paralegal just wasn’t doing it for me. She suggested Justice of Administration with a concentration in Emergency Management. I get to help people in a psychological manner during like natural disaster’s such as hurricane’s, flooding, shootings, etc. I really want to see myself working in an Emergency room talking with people who have tried suicide, drug addictions, shooting victims etc. I can see myself being that person, someone they can talk too, I am an outsider but I care. Shit I can work in Hostage situations working with the families of victims that are being held hostage.

 

Emergency Management Courses

The Justice Administration degree program with a specialization in Emergency Management may include these career-focused courses:

  • Emergency Management – This course deals with emergency or disaster risk mitigation, preparedness, response, and recovery. Topics include managing complex organizations and emergency decision-making, interagency cooperation, risk assessment, planning preparations, humanitarian interventions, and recovery challenges.
  • Disaster Response – Students in this course explore various types and phases of disasters, responses that are planned or improvised, and problem avoidance during disasters. Urgent care of disaster victims, search and rescue, dealing with fatalities, and models of overall recovery operations are examined.
  • Emergency Planning – In this course, which explores planning within the overall emergency management field and its relationship to mitigation planning, the purpose, principles, processes, and resource aspects of planning are considered for planning teams and organizations, and communication of plans.
  • Terrorism in Emergency Management – Examining emergency management considerations when terrorist behavior or acts are a factor, this course looks at threats, consequences, and responses, with an interagency perspective, through the life cycle of emergency management, from preparedness and planning to long-term recovery.
  • Technology in Emergency Management – In this course, students learn to use technology in emergency planning, response, recovery, and mitigation efforts, as well as key elements that must be in place for technology to enhance the emergency management process. Operational problems and recovery are analyzed.
  • Crisis Intervention – This course explores approaches to intervening in traumatic or dangerous social events precipitated by groups, individuals, or environmental factors, with consequences for individuals or groups. Decision-making under time limitations and uncertainty is considered.

there that sums it up! I am looking forward to a new challenge and I love college. I love learning. And as my boyfriend is going to Antartica this will keep be focused and busy working and studying. DeVry also you don’t have to sit in classes either you do your own thing, post, and submit things and take tests at certain times. I think I can manage that and still do my thing. The hell with it I guess right? I have no money so lets keep adding to the issue. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he didn’t seem interested in my higher learning program. I am hoping since he is at work he will talk to me later and not be a grump about it. If he doesn’t want to talk to me then that will really hurt my feelings I did a lot of research today about it too. He told me to go for it in the first place I would hate to think that he just really doesn’t care. I also have been feeling lately that he is trying to distance himself from me because he is going away. I just found out yesterday that we wont be able to video chat because the connection there isn’t good just being able to send emails and facebook. I had to walk away we were at Cabla’s I needed to decompress the whole thought of NOT seeing him for 6 fucking months. NOT SEEING HIM REALLY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JUST SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

I am also very tired from overthinking and now packing, and now school maybe starting September 1. I need a god damn adult at times.

 

A letter to my Stepdad

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Dear Donnie,

I wanted to write you a letter because I know that you are found of words like me, and being able to have something of me and from me would be meaningful.

No human being is perfect, and you did the best that you could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes you have always been a wonderful father figure. My memories of you that I will keep forever are you doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, and how you loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy and you always won because of the knowledge you have! You always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. I remember you used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then when money was tight you started to roll them instead. I will never forget having my first beer was Natural Lite. Granted I am sure you and mom knew I was stealing them because she told me you went into my room and told her that I needed to clean up my room. Teenagers right? I know that you were the Army but never talked about it, and I do regret never asking you about it but I know that it was during a rough time for you and your family. You also bought me my pompom princess MaryMay Louise. My baby girl who I love and adore and so happy she got to be a part of our family.

I also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. Hours and hours of just silence between the trees and us walking through natures wonders. I never really knew where we ever went but it was fun. I also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer, having the windows down having the dirt spin from the tires as we would listen to oldies and some nights you would quiz me on who the artist was. To this day I do that with Jason asking him who certain music artists are but he usually never plays with me because he doesn’t pay attention like I did. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. Do you remember how you would also try and quiz me on big words? Or you would always tell me to look it up in the dictionary? I still carry a little pocket one with me just in case I need a word or two for a good conversation.

I love how you always wear flannel. In every color. These are my memories. I hope you know last time we spoke I really meant I love you. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and you calling me Brat. I have always been your brat. It takes a lot for a man to come into a woman’s life with two small children and to taking them and accepting them and loving them like their own. I have seen so many broken families with situations like what have had, but there wasn’t a lot of love. I know that things weren’t ever perfect between you and my mom, but that doesn’t matter to me, it never has. You have been in my life and that is how it is going to be. I became a strong independent woman and it was thanks to you as well for just being in my life. I am sorry there wasn’t a lot of words in our lives. I just want you to know that I do love you and always have. I hope you know Mark and I love you and always have and have always been thankful for you being in our lives.

I want you to know too I have been trying really hard to become someone. I grew up, I graduated college and now moved so far from home but I am coming home when Jason leaves for Antarctica for 6 months. I have some things I would love to such as go back to school to be a consular. I have always wanted to help people. I also want to start a family in the next few years, hopefully Jason and I can get married in a timely manner! I have said that 35 is my cut off for having children so adopting will be the answer if that happens. I have some mixed feelings about coming home. Mostly because I wanted to start a life here in Colorado but I think Jason misses certain things (me too) like the ocean as well as good sea food! He misses trees me too, don’t get me wrong but it is beautiful out here but it’s not like New England. We have talked about maybe Portsmouth area would be lovely to try to start a life and a family. Grampa I am sure will be pleased for me being home, I do miss him so. I do miss home New Hampshire will always be my home, my roots. Where I started but it’s also nice to branch out and try something new. Like living in another country! I am jealous and sad that Jason is leaving me for 6 months but it will be good for him and hopefully help us financially in the long run. I hope the time apart is going to be worth it. Distance does make the heart grow fonder…(and not wonder.) I hope you are also proud of me too and everything that I have done with my life. Mark too, granted what he does is slightly unorthodox but that is Mark, can’t really change that about him right? He always said I was book smart. Guess so? I am so glad we got to Skype! I am sure it was weird because it was like I was there but not really there. Oh technology at its finest!

I hope you are resting well and having some comfort and I am so thankful that you are not alone. You have never been alone through any of this.

 

To my Stepdad I hope you know you are very much-loved. I love you. (I hate you. :-P)

Love your Brat.

Depression Coming In.

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I started crying again when my boyfriend and I got home from our outing today. He got a package in the mail from the company he got the Antarctica job, it was just luggage stuff but I started losing my shit. I sat on the couch and started crying hysterically. I had to go upstairs because I didn’t want to be around it anymore and I needed to calm down. I needed to breath and think this through. Each day is another day closer to his departure and for me to head back to our home state. I cannot believe that this is happening to me. I am still upset he didn’t sit me down and fucking talk to me about the whole ordeal. I am angry and frustrated. We moved out here to start over and be happy but since this fucking trip of his has made me very depressed. I cannot sleep at a more and I hate this. I fucking FUCKING hate this. I am alone and now I have to go home. I have to travel on an airplane alone I am going to die. I will have an anxiety attack. I am going to get kidnapped. My family is going to run their mouths make me feel more like a piece of shit. I cannot live with my mom again I refuse. I cannot live with my grandfather. I have no where to go. My bestfriend wants me to move in with her but she is a party girl and I can’t allow that to happen. She has already told me that we should just break up and end it so I can do whatever I want. No. I can’t do that. I love him.

I am upset. We were having such a lovely day. We had a lovely lunch at Olive Garden, laughing and giggling and talking about stupid shit. I enjoyed it. I was happy. Till we came back here. I am now depressed and I still want to cry. I don’t know why. I just want to sleep for ever. But even then I cannot sleep. I hate this.

I feel so very lost, and confused. I know some people would tell me that I am being really stupid. No these are my thoughts and feelings. I get it that some women ( and men) their better half is fighting overseas. My boyfriend is not fighting a war. He chose a job because he wanted to this, and didn’t really think about me though he assumed I was going to jump up and down for fucking joy about the whole ordeal leaving for 6 months.  NOT. If we talked about it….it would be different. I have to remember he does what he wants when he wants too how he wants.

I need a god damned stiff drink here. But I am not allowed to drink I guess. AWESOME. Can’t sleep with out a drink now. No sleep.

And I want to read but I will be distracted but I just….I need help. I need someone….to understand me and listen. My words are the only thing that I have at the moment. I wish I could have botched this trip so I could keep him to myself. I know my boyfriend enough to know that he is going to get board and chat to girls online lie say he is single just out of boredom. He does things like this because he can….if only he knew what I was capable of too. I am no angel either so what can I say? We all have secrets and we all have skeletons…I am just a lot better at hiding the key.

I keep telling myself that I am going to keep myself busy while he is away, really work and focus on my writing, perhaps get back into school, get back to the gym, maybe get a dog. Its just things I want to d and these are all great healthy and happy things. But I know that deep down an undersneath it all I am going to be a wreck, be very VERY angry for a long time. Crying all the time. I know me enough to know this is what is going to happen. I know back home I will not have a good support system, all but my boyfriends mom and that is going to be it. But I can’t be with her all the time because well she has a life too. I have no friends really….I mean its crazy. I am crazy. I am just….sad and I am going to be lonely.

I am losing grip here. Losing….it.