It’s only up from here.

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I think of all these things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed. I have started my next term and I am taking Anatomy and I am freaking out because that is a lot of information to take in for 8 weeks. My grades have been stellar and I have joined The National Society of Leadership and Success because of my said good grades and yet I don’t feel as though I really deserve it. Why? Because I am just taking one class at a time not rushing around campus with 5 other classes to cram into my busy schedule. I am not that important. I am just trying to learn, and go out there and be someone. Be someone for myself. I feel as though I could have done more. I should do more. For whom though? Myself? Society? My community? Who am I ? I am just another walking human being brought into this world unannounced liked most. I have been shoved into this world and I refuse to be a slave to a mundane existence. I live in a town where it seems to be crumbling at my feet due to drugs and living off of welfare. This isn’t how its supposed to be or is it? We now have GoFundMe pages for those who don’t want to work and show me that they are too lazy to work hard because everyone else is getting hand outs for their poor life choices. It makes me angry. I have never begged for anything in my life accept for a puppy.

I know that everyone is battling hard challenges too but damnit if you are unhappy with something change it. I am trying to learn from my own fucking mistakes can’t others? Why are we allowing such things? I get up put my two feet on the ground go to work, come home study do my school work, cry and scream at myself daily. I have dreams too and I want the greater things in life and I know that they don’t come for free. I have accepted that its going to be an uphill battle. For some it might not be that bad. For me I have never had anything easy. I have to lose in order to gain. But to lose all of my sanity in the process is something I am not going to accept.

I know I cannot make the world a better place. What I can do is make it better for me.

That is what I need to focus on. Being a better person for myself. For my family. For my loved ones my friends. Those whom I admire who are in my life. I will shine. Show this town that I am not going to succumb to their normalcy. I will rise. I have too. Its only up from here right?

 

 

 

27 going on extinct

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Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.

 

I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.

 

My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.

 

This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.

 

Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.

Start of New Year

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Well it is the start of the new year and I have been trying to stay positive through it all.

I have a lot of thinking to do meaning what is really important in my life and who. I am going to be 26 on Saturday and it scares me. Why you may ask? Because I honestly didn’t see myself in the position that I am in now. But then again does anyone really have their life the way that they wanted and or envisioned? I don’t really think so.

I wanted to be engaged, getting ready to be married, perhaps start a family before 30. Have my dream job. But no. I am working on my second degree which is going quite well so that is something that I can say that I am proud about myself. I am loving my psychology class that I am currently taking. I will be on my way to helping others in a few years. I also need to learn to help myself first. I have been telling myself I will see someone soon but it never happens. I know what my demons are but I am in a sick way afraid to lose them. Why? Because they are all I have known for years and it is almost comforting to know that they are there in the back of my mind. Lurking with in the shadows. They are with me every step that I take, they are behind every smile that I fake to even smothering me while I cry myself to sleep at night at times.

I was having really bad anxiety attacks last month to a point where I was waking up in the middle of the night trying to breath. I could feel my chest getting tighter and I was almost gasping for breath. Nightmares were in full force again for me too. It seemed the only thing at night to put me to sleep for a few hours were kissing the bottle and yet that too at times didn’t seem to help.

But it is the new year and I have not had a big anxiety attack. I have not had any nightmares, nor do I need to kiss the bottle to ease me into sleep. I am trying to stay focused on school as usual, I am there for my best friend who has cancer. I am taking the blunt force end of my sister inlaws crazy rants that has to do with work and some personal things. I am always everyone’s scapegoat. I just take it and allow it to hold me down with my anger that is inside.

There isn’t a whole lot I have ever asked for in my life. Just simplicity. I am not a complicated person but it seems that I must be. Perhaps some of the things that I have been doing lately aren’t really good but I know that is something that I like I have already stated need to work on. I have the power to make myself happy. I have always tried but it seems that no matter what I do something back fires. That is why it is called life. It isn’t supposed to be easy. I know this, and I am embracing it really I am. I have come a long way. At 19 I was really going down the wrong path with my life. I wasn’t striving like I am today, I had not ambitions in my life I was going no where. Now I really am on my way to be somebody. I am not saying be somebody famous but at least at the end of my day my contributions to this world for someone else is going to be more rewarding than anything. That is if I actually make it.

A Whole Lot of IF’S

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So there comes a time in our lives where we sit back and go. “Have I really done enough?” I am only 25 years old and I don’t understand half of the things I have put myself through. For what? Nothing. I keep having dreams about going to colleges. Is this my subconscious telling me I need to go back for something else? Maybe. Now how about this? My boyfriend and I have moved to Colorado from New Hampshire in November because thanks to him he got a job working at a resort running snowcats and he has always wanted to go here. I got my job we moved, I suffered with a shitty roommate, season ended and now he has been working on becoming a cop because he went to school for it. So as he is waiting on the department he has been working at a construction company and he hates it. He is just burnt out and I can fully understand that. He has been doing it for so long and now that he has a career in mind he wants to start it. So now he has been applying to different places and now he has an opportunity to go run a machine in Antarctica. 

Wow.

Here are a few issues. He wants to go but is confused on the timing because of the academy. So is this something to take up and miss out on his dream career or just he go take a job of a life time and then leave me behind for a few months? Now I am being utterly selfish as I should here’s why.

We moved 2,000 miles away from our families. But he has family here that we are currently staying with. I don’t get to see mine ever. Just phone calls. We moved out here to start our new life and become established and start building ourselves. Now saying he takes the job…what about me? I am not allowed to go, so do I go back to New Hampshire? Do I wait it out and wait for him so he can have fun? Why keep moving place to place all because he wants to do something. Do I stay in Colorado? Its frustrating and confusing at the same time. I also don’t want to be that girl friend who holds him back on things but I also don’t want to lose him either. And of course me being me…what about my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation? Do I keep my mouth shut because if I do voice my feelings it ends up as a fight….because of my emotions. I have a right to voice them but I don’t to cause an issue either because he is already confused in the first place. I don’t want to keep adding to it. 

So my heart is pounding against my chest. My thoughts are going all over the place. I don’t know what I am going to do if it takes it. He better have that planned too then I guess. 

My life. A complicated hot mess. 

Storms and Tea and Naps?

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I wanted to sleep all day. I don’t know why either. Last night I went to bed at a decent time too with my boyfriend and we laid there with the windows open just listening to the rain. There was thunderstorm and it was so romantic in itself. When he left for work I just wanted to sleep forever. I don’t know what came over me. I felt so tired still, so depressed that getting out of the covers and turning the fan off just seemed utterly impossible.

My boyfriend didn’t have work again today and that was good/bad at the same time. I love spending time because I know pretty soon hopefully if I ever get a fucking job I wont ever see him because I will be working weekends I am sure. And insert the high anxiety NOW to all the endless possibilities of what will happen then.

I have been drinking tea all day (after two cups of coffee.) and I just want to sleep still. I feel out of it, and detached from everyone. Like I feel like I am not welcomed anymore in the house, I feel that my weight gain is getting out of control. I am being mocked since I don’t have a job right now. I just…I don’t know.

I want to sleep for a little while. Just a little while…

Another One Bites the Dust

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FAILURE: 

Definition of FAILURE

1
a :  omission of occurrence or performance; specifically :  afailing to perform a duty or expected action <failure to pay the rent on time>

 

(1) :  a state of inability to perform a normal function<kidney failure> — compare heart failure (2) :  an abrupt cessation of normal functioning <a power failure>

 

c :  a fracturing or giving way under stress <structuralfailure>

2
a :  lack of success

 

b :  a failing in business :  bankruptcy

3
a :  a falling short :  deficiency <a crop failure>

 

b :  deteriorationdecay

4
:  one that has failed

Anxiety and Society

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Anxiety. 

noun
 
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
 
 
Some people are called worry warts. Some actually suffer from anxiety disorders. We all have a tendency to worry about certain things that are in our life. Money, relationships, people, food, our words we say, to the thoughts that we think. We have brains that make us over-think, not thing, lose thoughts whatever. I personally have had some anxiety attacks, meaning where I couldn’t catch my breath I started dry heaving, felt like my chest was going to cave in and it actually hurt. There was this pain that I just would have rather died. Why? Why did these happen? I was 19 years old and got out of a relationship where I thought that I was in love with this guy. I lost weight and I missed him so much and also I was losing site of my life during this awful time period. I know to some that might seem silly but that was what my body was doing. My brain was wrapped around this thought of love, myself hatred self loathing and jealously of other girls in this mans life. It was stupid I know to get so worked up over something like that. But it now as I am older amazing that I allowed someone to control me like this.
 
Also for some people anxiety just comes out of no where. For me as of right now I have been struggling with get my career started. Because everyone is looking for a paralegal with 5+ years experience and no one wants to give me a chance to show them what I am worth. Also I am very smart and I am quick and eager to learn new things. I have started to wonder if that was even the right choice. I guess not. I have also been applying to places that are in high demand. Administrative jobs are what everyone wants to do. Work in an office make some decent amount of money. Perfect right? This is a competitive job and I also seem to be slacking in this department. After so many great interviews (well I was told it was wonderful and they were looking forward to seeing me soon.) Nothing has gotten me anywhere. Not my smile, not my awesome resume, not my amazing personality. I have started to seek into a depression that I am nothing. That  I am no good for anyone. Just to be a server. I do not want to serve again but I also cannot be poor. I have cried, I have screamed. I have started yet again to have anxiety attacks. This time I have developed this condition where my back breaks out. I also still get the shortness of breath, my chest is heavy and it hurts. As an adult I didn’t think my anxiety would be like this. I have started to over think my life, I am afraid my boyfriend thinks I am a loser and he is going to leave me because I cannot get a job or worse cheat on me with someone more established. I am afraid that I will be kicked to the streets.  
 
I haven’t been sleeping good lately because at night when the brain seems to be the most active and I start to over think things, make myself sad worrying about the worst. I have these clips in my head playing like a movie sometimes I pretend I am rich if I had gotten a certain job I wanted or sometimes it turns into a bad drama movie. Its crazy how my mind works but that is what makes all of humans interesting. We all think and feel differently, we all love differently, we all show emotions differently. I may have cried a little today when I didn’t get the job I wanted because I was upset. (My back hasn’t started to itch yet so that is a good sign ….unless its a creeper and I will start to scratch later…hmm) I felt depressed, then I started to have an anxiety attack. My chest started to get tighter, then I started to think of crazy things again. I didn’t want to disappoint my boyfriend but I cannot lie to him so I still told him anyways. I feel like shit but I did it. But of course he was not upset with me. He said it happens just keep trying. Then I of course freaked out and said if I started serving it was going to ruin our relationship and he was going to hurt me. He said it is not going to ruin our relationship. We are fine. He came home just a few minutes ago and gave me a nice big smooch and said he loved me more than anything. Sometimes words make humans feel better. Well this one at least. And kisses. And of course puppies. I love puppies. 
 
I know that today so many people abuse the system and start on welfare getting assistance whatever. Feeding off the hard working classes. I am not one of those people. I have only once filed for Unemployment and that my friend made me feel like a piece of shit. I refused when I got a job again that I would never file again. I have grown up with out having much but also been living on my own for a few years I have learned to depend on myself and I have learned how to budget. Today people don’t seem to care as long as they get free money, and assistance. I know that not everyone who needs the help is abusing the system. Some people have disabilities as well as other complications that do not allow them to work. But what I am pointing at are those who are very capable to work don’t. I have seen it with my own eyes those who can who don’t. Makes me frustrated. And I chose as of right now not getting the help because I am capable of working and I am smart enough to work.  I just haven’t found the right employer to give me a chance. Or maybe as I have stated before its time for a real career change for me, back to school think things through. 
 
Anxiety really can take a toll on someone. Especially me.