I shouldn’t have told my friends that I was studying psychology and becoming a counselor.
Now all they do is come to with issues as if I know how to solve them. That is the beauty of therapy. I don’t have the answers. I will help guide you to the answers that you already know. Also. I am not a professional. Yet. But I know enough how to point them in the right direction. And them being my friends I want to help them because I care. This is what I want to do for a living.
And I am seeing a therapist myself. For me to be able to help others I need to help myself. And I can’t bring myself to admit this to anyone because its for me and me alone. I am not ashamed of seeing my therapist I am seeing progress. But I want to help those I care about too but I have to think about ethical issues in the future as well. There are boundaries I cannot allow to slip just because they are “friends.” or family and I need to remember this for my future.
I get upset when someone comes to me with issues about addiction and my opinions and such. Its touchy subject on number of reasons. First this town that I grew up in is not what it was. My whole family was born and raised here and its crumbling at my feet as I type this. Its heart breaking. I have seen beautiful photos that my own Grandfather took of what this place used to look it and it was breath taking. Like how can society destroy this?! Drugs have overtaken my town and it has taken people I know away from me and their families. I have dealt my hand into substance abuse and I can admit that I was stupid, ignorant and wrong. I stopped. I stopped because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was hurting myself, and I was hurting those around me. But they didn’t know what I was doing and that alone was dangerous enough for me to be aware of my actions. That is another reason why I decided to go back to school to make a difference. I have my days but I am still fighting my ED and I am working on healing myself. I know that I can’t fix everyone. That is not how this works. You win some and you lose.
I mean I am not upset my friends come and talk to me, I am just worried that they think I know everything when I don’t how will I ever know everything?! I wont! Even if I do become a professional.
It has been a while since I posted last. I have been working on getting my grades topnotch as well as trying to get back in to the swing of working in the restaurant business again. It is tiring but I have had the week off to get back on my feet with school.
I still have a heavy heart due to circumstances that I learned when I got home about my boyfriend and our friend. He sent be beautiful flowers and I guess I have another gift coming next week for me. Its been over a month since I have last seen him and I am dying. I feel hollow at times especially at night because I cannot think and when I do its always dangerous. I feel jaded, I feel used. I feel so wounded its not fair. I want to do something destructive myself but its not right and I know this. I just drink till I fall asleep again and that isn’t healthy. I am becoming paranoid if I don’t get back to the gym I am going to become morbidly obese again. I need to do something constructive with my life…I know I am going school for something that I have always been passionate about. I want to help people. I guess my boyfriend was right when he said I need to help myself before I can help others.
I guess I feel defeated because I hate when I am always right about things that hurt the most. And yet as I look in the mirror I see black eyes looking back at me sneering at my own injustice. Lately men have been crawling out of the woodwork to “be my friend.” and wanting to take me out on dates. DUDE did you not see I am in a fucking relationship?! I fucking hate this hell whole town. Everyone is poison and I hate it with a passion. I want to scream and run away already. Been one month and I am starting to get sick when I come into town. I get angry easy and frustrated. My patience is running on a thin line and I am afraid of the day that it will snap or something.
I am waiting on one friend of mine that I hope has made a change in her life. I told myself when I cam home that I was going to separate myself from her because of her life style and the fact of how she doesn’t like my relationship with my boyfriend. She isn’t jealous she is just worried he is going to hurt me again and again. She has been there at the worst times, my boyfriend and I were having a really hard time and she only sees the bad. I told her he can be a douchebag but hes mine. I am just trying to focus on school work at the library. I have always loved this library. Perhaps its the only good thing about this fucking hell whole town.
Oh my god I have had such a week so far just being back. The night I flew in my sister in-law’s mother had passed away. I have been verbally cut at the knees by my brother more than once, I have been told that I am a horrible person and I am living in my own head, nothing thinking, and I don’t care about anyone else but myself. GO. Figure. I hate the thought that perhaps someday I will be a lot more successful than my brother. I have for years allowed him to cut down and make me feel like a complete piece of shit. I am now being home am not allowed to feel depressed about my boyfriend going away for 6 months. My brother had to remind me as he picked me up from the air port that I had done this to myself and I am not going to compline about it. Ok. I got it. I am sorry I decided to be the only one to pack up my shit and trying something new for once. I didn’t know that it was a crime to do so.
Its like I don’t do what they want me to do, or if I don’t think the way that they think, I am in the wrong at every level. If I don’t condone their actions I am just a piece of shit.
On a different note my boyfriend had made it safely to New Zealand and has been doing orientation. I had to go to bed last night I was just so exhausted and over worked I needed to sleep so I sent him a nice facebook message and told him that I loved him and miss him. Not only that but I had to get up early with my mom so I could get to the library to start doing school work. All of my personal belongings showed up yesterday and my school book and I am more than eager to finish.
Crap I need to bite the bullet and just do the student loan stuff. I just want to be there for my sister in law but I don’t think that is going to happen because I am known as the conceded piece of shit for not talking to her when I should have at a rational manner. I get it I made a god damn fucking mistake. It bothers me to know that my brother thinks so poorly of his intelligent little sister. He needs to cut me some slack I have done so much more, experienced so much more , and I am furthering my education by choice and I love learning. I want to become something greater and I will be fucking damned if wants to tell me fucking other wise. It is immature of him to fucking tell met hat I could not go back to college. I don’t care. He also thought that spending money at the gym was stupid. Dude you shitting me? Its a place for me to work out and feel good about my body. Remember as kids how you used to tease me call me names and say how fat I was and stuff? Can’t do that now can you jerkoff AH.
See why I didn’t want to come home? I have felt so unwanted in so many places that its taking a toll on me and no one has seemed to notice. I hate this town, and the things that it makes me feel inside. I feel like I am being poisoned more and more everyday.
And I am proud of myself for not having a mental break down about missing my boyfriend so fucking much. I am such in a mood today with the way some of my family members have been treating me. Just fuck. I didn’t even get a welcome home from my brother when I got into the car. Just all of a sudden a fucking bitch fest started because my mom asked how the flight was and I started to talk and my brother goes “WHY YOU DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FUCKING BE SO MISBERABLE?” I just stopped talking to the both of them. I took my bag laid down in the back and just ignored them. I hate being degraded . I guess you could say I have some….brother issues that I don’t think well ever be resolved in the near future. I hate this. So grumpy.
I need to study and start to think straight. I should have had more coffee one is simply not enough for me.
I have officially finished up packing my belongings today. It cost me quite a bit and I am upset. I am not upset about the price because I knew it was going to be quite pricey but I am upset with my boyfriend who didn’t even make an effort to want to help me send my things home. Considering he is the reason that I am going back home in the first place it upsets me. I looked at him as we walked out of the UPS store and said “see how much your adventure just cost me to send my shit home?” He rolled his eyes and then proceeded to remind me that he spent “over a grand in gas to drive out here.” ….umm yeah with the intention of not moving back home to which the winter months and the things I have spent on him has over calculated the gas money by a lot. So I am feeling a little upset/anger towards him. He gets to go to LA, and Australia and New Zeeland places I want to travel so much. I mean he is spending fun time in those places its just those are plane stops before he gets to Antarctica. I am upset that he doesn’t seem to care or it doesn’t seem to bother him the amount of not only heartache but stress he has bestowed upon me on his departure for 6 months. I will go home, and go through the stages of grieving like I have lost my lover I also feel as though he will never return to me again. Yet he will in due to time….but I really have to dig deep into myself as well on what I want, things everything. I feel like I am a butterfly about to crawl into an emotional cocoon to wait 6 months and evolve into something greater than a butterfly. it will either make or break me. I have to wait…because you can only learn so much and live.
Also today has been a somber day in itself for me. Its been 6 years since the passing of my best friend, my mother figure, my Grandmother to cervical cancer. It still burns my soul to this day, seeing her lying there in that hospital, tubes unable to speak and yet her eyes were still so blue, tears knowing she wasn’t able to come home again. I just remember holding her hand as she tried to write asking about her shoes, and then telling me that there was money under the bed that she was saving, saving for me. No one knew, not even Grampa knew about the money. I asked her what was the money for. I remember her shrugging and shaking her head since she couldn’t speak. I asked her “for whatever?” She nodded. When we all made it home, a day or two came and went after her passing, I remember being alone in the house, with my thoughts, my heart feeling empty and alone, scared and lost. I walked into my Grandparents bedroom, and started to lift the covers up to look under the bed. I saw her shoes, I grabbed them removing them slowly, carefully as if they were to crumble in my hands. There, was an old safe box that my Grampa has to collect his coins. I grabbed it feeling its weight and sat it on my lap. I took a deep breath as tears were flowing and opened it. There was an envelope with money like she had written down. “Not even Grampa knows?” I could hear my own voice asking her that day. I held the money close to my chest. There was so many options I could do this money. There was a little over 200 dollars she saved, I wanted so badly to go do stupid things with that money. But I didn’t. I waited till the family got home and handed the money over to my Grandfather because he needed the money more than me. It would have made my Gram proud anyways. And I knew she was. I can still hear your laughter in my head and it fills my chest with love. I can still hear her yelling at my Brother and I for being stupid and fighting. I can still hear her say “you will publish something someday all you do is write.” She has always been my biggest supporter with my writing. I read her everything, she sat and listened, she loved when I would sing Charlotte Church, not so much my hard rock bands, but she said it was what my mom did. She loved that I could read and play music. She pushed me on my college work. When she passed I took a year off. And yet….I met my boyfriend a month to the day she passed away on our first date. I always thought and have believe she gave him to me for something, a reason, grated we aren’t perfect but….she would have loved him. They are both quiet people but yet I think there is this silent communication between quiet people that they just KNOW. Where ever my Gram is I hope she is proud of me and saying everything is going to be ok. I miss her smile, her laugh, her corn chowder, her silent love. Her hug would make all my pain melt right now. (along with my dad too) But I get to surprise my Grampa and she would like that.
Also today I have reconnected with a very….VERY old friend. It is quite complicated and I am slightly nervous about seeing this person, and yet not at the same time. That is for another blog write up in itself.