Shallow Me

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There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.

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Triggers

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Oh no. Here I go again. And  I say this with all honesty. I am having a trigger day, my heart is pounding, my stomach is in pain. I want to eat but I saw what the scale said upstairs. I thought I was going to be ok today. I got over being upset yesterday but now today is clearly a new day and yet I have found something to hate about my life. My fucking weight again. I did not like seeing the blue light blink as I cautiously stood on the scale I was hoping for the best but saw the results when the black numbers flashed at me. 134.8lbs and  I wanted to fucking scream. SCREAM. Are you fucking kidding? NO fucking no. I hate this I feel like I have lost so much control of myself that I want nothing but to lay down and die. What happened to my drive of getting up and running, feeling alive? What happened to be wanting to do my Pilates for an hour and feeling good? Why have I allowed myself to lose everything and gain so much weight back? I had to gain weight I knew this but I don’t want too and I want to cry again.

I am afraid to go running out here because I am afraid I will get lost in the neighborhood. I also haven’t been able to do my Pilates because I don’t to be watched in the living room. I could try to do them in the bedroom. But now that I have lost so much of my drive I feel like shit I want to sleep and the depression has seeped in again. People who suffer from an eating disorder can relate with these awful feelings. The scale is really the enemy, but it is our minds that are damaged. We have it in our heads that this life, this weight is awful, we are beached whales moving with the crowed as people look at you and silently judge how you look because you are not skinny enough or pretty enough. I have been battling with this for years and its starting to break me down. I keep waking up wanting to be 117lbs again like a skeleton nothing but skin and bones and having all these people tell me how beautiful I look, how great I look, how different I look since high school. I know they were just saying that because everyone in school probably assumed I was always going to be fat all of my life, and be stuck in the hell whole town and be a no body. SURPRISE MOTHER FUCKERS. I gave myself an eating disorder and proved you all fucking wrong. Because of this mental illness it controls everything I feel, everything I think, everything I do. I now don’t want to eat anything ever again, or unless I throw everything up. I have also decided being bulimic is in a sicking way therapeutic because I let it all out. Its like I am am giving myself a personal exorcism and yet I am still fucking haunted by my inner demons.

People who are also struggling like me It sucks doesn’t it? It just down right fucking sucks. I am now freaking out because I am afraid if I don’t go back to drastic changes such as starving myself and over exercising again I am going to wake up and be 150 pounds again. Then everyone will talk behind my back and say that I am fat again, and I look awful and ugly and anything else that is wrong with society today that cannot accept girls for who they are. I want to be able to feel my ribs again see them count them and stick my fingers in between I feel so ugly today. That I am never going to be accepted and loved enough. All I can think of those girls my boyfriend enjoys looking that are big, beautiful women. He is supposed to become a cop why wouldn’t he want a beautiful skinny girl friend to show off? Why would he want someone who is like 300 pounds? See this is what triggers do to me. They make me think of the worst things in the world, that I think my boyfriend wants someone else that clearly isn’t me or not even CLOSE to me. I feel so jaded and what I have wasted so much time and effort on. I am such a messed up individual that I don’t know what to do anymore. I do feel lost all the time and I know there is help…but…not like this. I thought I was doing the right thing for a while gaining the right amount of weight ( which I have medically of course not mentally) and I just feel so out-of-place. Why does life with an eating disorder have to be this fucking hard?

I am torn on what to fucking do today. Not eat. Or eat and throw up and hope for the best? I know that perhaps I should really reach out for some professional help but with health care or money kind of makes a difference. So why try to seek help if all they want is money? It’s a sad world we live in. Unless I am just making it seem like it’s an awful world to live in.

Today is just a really bad day for triggers and I need to take a nap.