More Valentine’s Woes.

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After having my small mini melt down earlier today I had to take a step back and breath.

I had to remember that 8 years ago today. I tried to commit suicide. I know not such a lovely memory is it ? Well its is a part of my past and it happened. I have the scar on my wrist to prove my ignorance. Over. Love.

I was 19. Depressed. Drunk. Lonely. My ex boyfriend was sending me nasty text messages that he never loved me and all that mean stuff one says.  I thought then that was it for me. I remember it through my drunken haze. The blood dripping cold of my finger tips hitting the floor of my living room. The awful scream my mother made when she found me. We have never talked about it. What is there to talk about? I cleaned up my mess and as usual apologized for my actions. Moved on.

I have moved on from my ex believe me. We are friends, civil and I wish him the best. What I haven’t moved on from, is that my ignorance and pain still haunts me. it will always haunt me because I bare the scars.

Now with my current boyfriend he doesn’t like this holiday period and thinks its stupid and hates it so much that he in away hates buying anything because its money to the businesses. I understand. I don’t ask for much. Do I like gifts? Yes. Of course who doesn’t? But I agree with him that I don’t need a fucking holiday to have him show me he loves me.

It is insane that things are the way that they are for  me. I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But here I am. And here I am living. That is something I should be more proud of actually. I was trying to end my life today 8 years ago. But here I am. Back in the house I tried. Trying to woo my boyfriend to hopefully put a ring my finger and make me his wife.

Its just the things I think of late at night when I have work in the morning and been drinking. Isn’t funny?

 

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Negligence, Pain, Love, Hate, School.

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I know that it has been a long time since I have written anything. Since I have been home I haven’t really had time too blog, or wanted too–there has just been so much that I have been dealing with and I just am tired. So mentally tired from all the stress, pain and hurt. 

Since my stepfathers funeral I thought things were going on the right track, I was trying to stay focused on school, talking to my boyfriend when he could call or get online. I thought that I had my friends back…but no. None of it. NONE OF IT. 

 I have started to slowly sink back in to my old ways again, drinking heavily just to try and sleep, but I don’t sleep even through the pain and droopy eyelids of intoxication I cannot sleep. I have nightmares…nightmares of seeing my stepfather, and what  I just learned that my boyfriend slept with our friend 4 years ago, during a time where we broke up for like a week. I haven’t eaten well, nor taken care of myself. I am trying to numb the pain just to do school work but there even I have lost complete interest in the whole thing. I know its wrong but now i am starting to panic because I can’t drop out now, and I don’t want to have bad grades. 

My so called friends here don’t have time to hang out with me anymore and the last time we spoke they were looking for something, and it was rude. So fucking rude to ask me about that–but couldn’t hang out. I have disassociated myself from them and some others. I also have been sick learning about the events that transpired a few years ago. I really thought that girl was my friend. She said it happened it and was a mistake but she had the fucking audacity to tell me that she had confessed her love to him, but he didn’t say anything back. I hated their friendship for years anyways. I had a gut feeling that something was amiss and I was right. I usually am and I hate that about myself. My boyfriend has explained himself that it was a one time thing, it was over, we were both in  a bad place during one of our dark periods in the relationship that was still essentially fresh for us. I get it. I have done things too but to lie to me all these yeas. He has told me several times now that he wants to marry me, and he wants to meet me in New Zeland were we can visit for 3 weeks when he is done with PEA. He wants to make everything right, he told me, and that he wishes he could have taken it back but of course he can’t. He wants to make me happy. He told the girl that they cannot be friends anymore, because she basically threatened me saying that no matter what she will always be in his life, and that made me unhappy. So he unfriened her on Facebook and told her to that it was time they went their own separate ways and to leave me alone. He said he doesn’t want her to come in-between us. He has changed his attitude since being down in the cold if you will. Usually he would have told me to get over it, and it happened but they are going to be friends. He has said he realized how important I am to him since being there, and that I am the one for him and he cannot say sorry enough for treating me so poorly for years because  I am such an amazing woman. He said he wants to make things right, and be happy and healthy and this is it. I haven’t unfriened her on facebook because she wanted to talk tomorrow, guess she messaged him asking him if he was mad and he just told her that there was no reason to be friends. Mind you this woman was telling me she was an adult now and she didn’t need to explain herself to me, or their friendship. But after a little while the truth came pouring out of her fucking whorish mouth. I hope karma takes place in her life and makes her realize you don’t treat people this way. I knew she was a lying whore and she will always be that way. It is even worse because she has a baby with my boyfriends stepbrother….has she screwed the rest of the brothers? Why not? make it a family affair. I told my boyfriend that I am not allowing her to come in to our lives like this again. She has ruined so much for me. Everything over the past several years now finally makes sense. Her dressing up showing off her tits for him when we would come over for game night, or how she would have to rush in to the bathroom to fix her makeup to be noticed, or how she would just hangout longer than needed when she would come over to study. He told me he isn’t in love with her and never has been, and its always been me. She told me that she confessed her love and she wanted to be with him but he shot her down because he said he is in love with me (this is during idk what breakup) and he couldn’t do that. She told me that she was jealous of my pure devotion to him and only him and she cannot do that with her daughters father. I feel bad for him and I so badly want to tell him all of this. But that would really cause a stir and it will be all my fault and then my boyfriend’s father’s wife would have more fuel to hate me for. But I wasn’t the one who slepted around. I am the one that was lied too and got hurt. 

But for once he is taking my feelings and thoughts into consideration. He said he wants to give me everything that I deserve, such as a ring, the wedding of my dreams, a house, to travel and dog anything he said….anything you want. I want you, and I want to make you happy. 

Wow writing this all down has made my headache go away….that is interesting. I did poorly on one of my quizzes because I have been so worked up, not sleeping, not taking care of myself. Basically just fucking off. I hate how I am always the last person to know everything but I am always the one who pokes the hardest. ….and as the days go by I am really trying to wonder if through all the tears and the lies and heartache….is it really worth it? Is it really worth it for me to wait for him to come back or for me to see him in NZ? Can I trust him? Am I that broken? Am I that fucking damaged now by love that its not worth it anymore. 

 

ALSO my Grandfather has been having good days and bad days with his highblood pressure. Silly old man was eating NOTHING but foods that contained more salt that anything I have consumed in years. Good lord. He is on medication, he is stubborn but I bought good foods for him and he is happy he really likes the Orange Gatorade I wanted him to have it to help with dehydration. He at the doctors now with mom they are taking more blood tests and an x-ray because he is still complaining about headaches. I really can’t lost this man now, not now….not ever really….but…Its not his time. It is not his time for a while and I want him to walk me down the isle at my wedding.  

I am so very tired but I have so much school work, reading I have to write an essay this week, I have to do quizzes. Grampa has to have another medication the doctors think that he has arthritis in his neck that is what is causing the headaches. I suggested getting one of those heating things you throw in the microwave but mom thinks it will be too hot for him so she has an extra heating pad that he can use to lay down on. I guess that could work too so he can sleep better at night. I am just worried.

 

I really should sleep at night but all I want to do is stay up and talk to my love….through all the pain he is the only one I want in this life. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for years and years now…how much more can I take before its too late? 

Grumpy, Family Fude and Studying.

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Oh my god  I have had such a week so far just being back. The night I flew in my sister in-law’s mother had passed away. I have been verbally cut at the knees by my brother more than once, I have been told that I am a horrible person and I am living in my own head, nothing thinking, and I don’t care about anyone else but myself. GO. Figure. I hate the thought that perhaps someday I will be a lot more successful than my brother. I  have for years allowed him to cut down and make me feel like a complete piece of shit. I am now being home am not allowed to feel depressed about my boyfriend going away for 6 months. My brother had to remind me as he picked me up from the air port that I had done this to myself and I am not going to compline about it. Ok. I got it. I am sorry I decided to be the only one to pack up my shit and trying something new for once. I didn’t know that it was a crime to do so.

Its like I don’t do what they want me to do, or if I don’t think the way that they think, I am in the wrong at every level. If I don’t condone their actions I am just a piece of shit.

On a different note my boyfriend had made it safely to New Zealand and has been doing orientation. I had to go to bed last night I was just so exhausted and over worked I needed to sleep so I sent him a nice facebook message and told him that I loved him and miss him. Not only that but I had to get up early with my mom so I could get to the library to start doing school work. All of my personal belongings showed up yesterday and my school book and I am more than eager to finish.

Crap I need to bite the bullet and just do the student loan stuff. I just want to be there for my sister in law but I don’t think that is going to happen because I am known as the conceded piece of shit for not talking to her when I should have at a rational manner.  I get it I made a god damn fucking mistake. It bothers me to know that my brother thinks so poorly of his intelligent little sister. He needs to cut me some slack I have done so much more, experienced so much more , and I am furthering my education by choice and I love learning. I want to become something greater and I will be fucking damned if wants to tell me fucking other wise. It is immature of him to fucking tell met hat I could not go back to college. I don’t care. He also thought that spending money at the gym was stupid. Dude you shitting me? Its a place for me to work out and feel good about my body. Remember as kids how you used to tease me call me names and say how fat I was and stuff? Can’t do that now can you jerkoff AH.

See why I didn’t want to come home? I have felt so unwanted in so many places that its taking a toll on me and no one has seemed to notice. I hate this town, and the things that it makes me feel inside. I feel like I am being poisoned more and more everyday.

 

And I am proud of myself for not having a mental break down about missing my boyfriend so fucking much. I am such in a mood today with the way some of my family members have been treating me. Just fuck. I didn’t even get a welcome home from my brother when I got into the car. Just all of a sudden a fucking bitch fest started because my mom asked how the flight was and I started to talk and my brother goes “WHY YOU DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FUCKING BE SO MISBERABLE?” I just stopped talking to the both of them. I took my bag laid down in the back and just ignored them. I hate being degraded . I guess you could say I have some….brother issues that I don’t think well ever be resolved in the near future. I hate this. So grumpy.

 

I need to study and start to think straight. I should have had more coffee one is simply not enough for me.

Airlines, Death of a Star, and Madness.

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IBeen wrapping things up here getting ready for the treck home…and  I am still in shock and I cannot believe I am actually leaving…SHIT I am in shock my boyfriend is leaving!  

 Also we have lost an amazing actor today in Hollywood. Robin Williams. He took his own life this morning and I am so heart broken…he was such an amazing actor. He had drug issues as well as depression and its understandable. This is why I want to go back to school to help people. To help them with their struggles.  It something that I think I am very good at. There was something else that was going on with his life that he thought that it was much better to go, leaving his wife and children, (grandchildren?) behind. We as humans are always fighting a hard battle. Sometimes those who smile the most are the ones who struggle the most. My heart is sad for his family and as a fan I am sad and heart broken, confused and wondering why? Like everyone else. Death to some, is nothing but an escape, unwanted, unexpected, timed, or needed. I cannot tell you myself for I have thought about my own death. I have even tried taking my own life…on more than one occasion. Sad. I know, I know that suicide is selfish to my family. Am I calling Robin Williams selfish? I don’t know….I am sad that he is gone. No more amazing movies to come, his tv show, his comedy, just him himself. We don’t know what he was dealing with inside and for how long.  I want to study behavioral science. To try and find out why humans think, react, and do things they do. I just wish that he got the help that he KNEW was out there for him….he must have thought that it was easier to let thing go and just…find silence within himself. Death is never easy for anyone. No matter what the situation is. And you know what? It doesn’t matter that he was a famous celebrity. Could have gone to rehab again? Yes. Could he have done something with money? Yes. Pain is pain. NO matter what the issues he was dealing with. Drugs, depression, what have you. It was his struggle his life. His pain. NO money can ease any sort of pain that is inside. NO matter what. I just wish myself personally that love could have been enough for him. Love saved me. And I am heartbroken.

 

On a totally different and unrelated notion I bought my one way ticket back home. Told my mother and she is more than thrilled that I am coming home. Granted it is not what I really wanted to but it is what it is. It took me 2 beers to click and get things ready to go. I hated myself for spending so much money on a one way flight. But I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend. And I am. I also sent out TWO boxes UPS to my mothers house. Not what I wanted to do either. Also SNHU is being a fucking pain in my ASS. UGH. I hope tomorrow there will be more progress. It also didn’t help that I also drank A LOT of Gin but its all good. I am good.

Just sitting on the couch watching Air Force One with another love Harrison Ford, my love, just trying to make things ok before he is gone for 6 months. I am dying. I am…dying on the inside. I mean not really but emotionally. I have had so much being thrown at me this year that its insane. I want to be able to connect with old friends back home maybe really work on my relationship with my family. I also feel that my boyfriends mom is avoiding me at all cost because of reason of unknown. Has he told her that he wanted to end the relationship and she is keeping her distance? am I overreacting like I always do? I don’t know.

I need to go and find something to eat my head is killing me and I am getting tired. GAH. Sunday I am off back home…and I have never been more afraid in all of my life.