It’s only up from here.

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I think of all these things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed. I have started my next term and I am taking Anatomy and I am freaking out because that is a lot of information to take in for 8 weeks. My grades have been stellar and I have joined The National Society of Leadership and Success because of my said good grades and yet I don’t feel as though I really deserve it. Why? Because I am just taking one class at a time not rushing around campus with 5 other classes to cram into my busy schedule. I am not that important. I am just trying to learn, and go out there and be someone. Be someone for myself. I feel as though I could have done more. I should do more. For whom though? Myself? Society? My community? Who am I ? I am just another walking human being brought into this world unannounced liked most. I have been shoved into this world and I refuse to be a slave to a mundane existence. I live in a town where it seems to be crumbling at my feet due to drugs and living off of welfare. This isn’t how its supposed to be or is it? We now have GoFundMe pages for those who don’t want to work and show me that they are too lazy to work hard because everyone else is getting hand outs for their poor life choices. It makes me angry. I have never begged for anything in my life accept for a puppy.

I know that everyone is battling hard challenges too but damnit if you are unhappy with something change it. I am trying to learn from my own fucking mistakes can’t others? Why are we allowing such things? I get up put my two feet on the ground go to work, come home study do my school work, cry and scream at myself daily. I have dreams too and I want the greater things in life and I know that they don’t come for free. I have accepted that its going to be an uphill battle. For some it might not be that bad. For me I have never had anything easy. I have to lose in order to gain. But to lose all of my sanity in the process is something I am not going to accept.

I know I cannot make the world a better place. What I can do is make it better for me.

That is what I need to focus on. Being a better person for myself. For my family. For my loved ones my friends. Those whom I admire who are in my life. I will shine. Show this town that I am not going to succumb to their normalcy. I will rise. I have too. Its only up from here right?

 

 

 

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Depression and lack of affection.

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Its kind of amazing what a human being call feel all at once. Basically my life so far has been work, school, avoiding certain people of this shit whole town, beer and cigarettes and wondering how long can I really last here? Being in this town has done nothing but drain me and and of my existence. Its already October and the leaves are so beautiful here and its getting colder which makes me more nervous for the winter season that is approaching. I have bad seasonal depression its scary. I know I should go see a doctor but I can’t. I have no money or health insurance.

I am trying to maintain a good friendship with my sister-inlaw. And I am still trying to work out a good healthy relationship with my mother but that in itself is a fucking war-zone party here. I keep thinking I am going to fail school but all of a sudden BOOM 90 on my essay that I cranked out in a matter of 4 hours and I have no idea what the hell I was talking about. I am lacking sleep and I feel like a zombie.

Went to the fair last night with my mother and I do have to say that it was fun, and we did enjoy ourselves. We have our days and its disgusting when she can be so fucking vial. And then she points at me. Wonder where I learned it mommy dearest? Calling the kettle black are we?

My boyfriend seems to be doing just fine alone with out me. Though he sends me sweet Facebook messages and calls me beautiful and he realized that he had made a mistake and that he really wants to marry me etc. Calls me beautiful almost every night. He just really doesn’t get it. I am still hurt and angry, livid he left me alone as usual. I am just all messed up. I am starting to panic that I can’t take this life anymore or the shit that he deals me. This is a real test of love if I can manage and survive without him.

I am getting heartburn because I am retarted and stressing myself out. I am tired been doing school work since 10:30 been up since 7:30 blah. Not ok. I have so much to do its crazy. Got to be at work for tomorrow. I am getting so lonely and depressed. Angry and confused. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I need love and affection.

Fuck.

Grumpy, Family Fude and Studying.

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Oh my god  I have had such a week so far just being back. The night I flew in my sister in-law’s mother had passed away. I have been verbally cut at the knees by my brother more than once, I have been told that I am a horrible person and I am living in my own head, nothing thinking, and I don’t care about anyone else but myself. GO. Figure. I hate the thought that perhaps someday I will be a lot more successful than my brother. I  have for years allowed him to cut down and make me feel like a complete piece of shit. I am now being home am not allowed to feel depressed about my boyfriend going away for 6 months. My brother had to remind me as he picked me up from the air port that I had done this to myself and I am not going to compline about it. Ok. I got it. I am sorry I decided to be the only one to pack up my shit and trying something new for once. I didn’t know that it was a crime to do so.

Its like I don’t do what they want me to do, or if I don’t think the way that they think, I am in the wrong at every level. If I don’t condone their actions I am just a piece of shit.

On a different note my boyfriend had made it safely to New Zealand and has been doing orientation. I had to go to bed last night I was just so exhausted and over worked I needed to sleep so I sent him a nice facebook message and told him that I loved him and miss him. Not only that but I had to get up early with my mom so I could get to the library to start doing school work. All of my personal belongings showed up yesterday and my school book and I am more than eager to finish.

Crap I need to bite the bullet and just do the student loan stuff. I just want to be there for my sister in law but I don’t think that is going to happen because I am known as the conceded piece of shit for not talking to her when I should have at a rational manner.  I get it I made a god damn fucking mistake. It bothers me to know that my brother thinks so poorly of his intelligent little sister. He needs to cut me some slack I have done so much more, experienced so much more , and I am furthering my education by choice and I love learning. I want to become something greater and I will be fucking damned if wants to tell me fucking other wise. It is immature of him to fucking tell met hat I could not go back to college. I don’t care. He also thought that spending money at the gym was stupid. Dude you shitting me? Its a place for me to work out and feel good about my body. Remember as kids how you used to tease me call me names and say how fat I was and stuff? Can’t do that now can you jerkoff AH.

See why I didn’t want to come home? I have felt so unwanted in so many places that its taking a toll on me and no one has seemed to notice. I hate this town, and the things that it makes me feel inside. I feel like I am being poisoned more and more everyday.

 

And I am proud of myself for not having a mental break down about missing my boyfriend so fucking much. I am such in a mood today with the way some of my family members have been treating me. Just fuck. I didn’t even get a welcome home from my brother when I got into the car. Just all of a sudden a fucking bitch fest started because my mom asked how the flight was and I started to talk and my brother goes “WHY YOU DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FUCKING BE SO MISBERABLE?” I just stopped talking to the both of them. I took my bag laid down in the back and just ignored them. I hate being degraded . I guess you could say I have some….brother issues that I don’t think well ever be resolved in the near future. I hate this. So grumpy.

 

I need to study and start to think straight. I should have had more coffee one is simply not enough for me.

Still College?

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I just kind of want to hide away today. Trying to figure out college stuff and its come down to I don’t want to go school for Justice of Administration there are classes there that I don’t want to take or waste my time on and DeVry is being douchy about the whole thing. I am not interested ok just fucking leave me alone.

Drank an entire bottle of wine and had two big glasses full of Whiskey last night. Slept like a rock and it was nice to fall asleep with a “clear mind” I hate lying there thinking about everything and then I want to talk to my boyfriend about everything but he doesn’t want to talk he wants to sleep. I have an issue when its bedtime for me its not bed time its LET ME GET ALL OF MY FEELINGS OUT IN THE OPEN NOW BECUASE WE ARE ALONE AND ITS DARK. Is that weird? Is that normal to want to just talk lying down in the dark and get things out in the open? I think its the only time I can get my boyfriends full attention and its tedious during the day he is either distracted by tv, computer or phone and if we argue that is what he does. I feel that when we get in to the bedroom its OUR time. Its like a…guidance counselor office.

Back to the school thing. I have found that SNHU has a wonderful psychology program(s) that  I am very interested in. So I have been emailing with an admissions lady asking her questions about getting my BA in Psychology with Mental Health. What are my goals? What does it look like for me in the work field? You know these are important and if I am going to do this, I want to make sure everything is perfect for when I go back to school. I want to be focused and very dedicated to my studies this time and not fuck off like I did with my paralegal. I think getting my BA is a good step towards what I want to after.

August 25 is when I would start hmmmm I wonder if that is really doable!

Fixed my FASFA Check

Processing stuff.

I am really going to school for Psychology.

AWESOME SAUCE

Transcripts sent. CHECK.

So happy. I am making the right choice with SNHU.

More Crazy College Stress

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What a day I had. I should have been packing but I wasn’t. I just wasn’t moving fast enough for my liking this morning. I was going to go back in the basement to organize things but it didn’t happen. It was gloomy today so it didn’t help my mood to want to get out of bed. Then I wanted to work on my college things, got a phone call rushed it because I thought that the Aunt  wanted to head out the door but lo and behold she was a cross the street talking to the neighbor. So I felt bad. I had to get things corrected with my student loans but come to find out….it was nothing so I was on the phone for almost over 3 hours with The Department of Education, Sallie Mea, Kaplan and DeVry trying to fix the mistakes here. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a little better, I will have things well-organized for the shit show of money I will have to pay that I clearly wont ever have. But I am looking forward to the change and the challenge. I also need to talk more to my advisor about Crisis Intervention Management because that seems like a career I want to do, and if that is possible under the Justice of Administration.

Took some time off though during the day to go with the aunt to Home Depot to look at flooring, ask questions and what not. I was basically stalked through out the store but a red neck man in dirty jeans. EW. Then we looked at carpets, and then new fridges to which now she is getting new flooring and a fridge and the uncle is just giving me shit about the new fridge. She wanted it and its on sale for a good price.

I went and faxed my transcripts today too so I hope that helps with the evaluation process. I am looking forward to speaking with my advisor tomorrow about it. I also really this time need to finish packing. I am scared shitless flying alone.  I am looking forward to my new life goals. AND this time I am going be well-organized and up to date on EVERYTHING.

But here is Andy McKee playing Drifting for some soothingnessssssss

Packing, Colleges, Igornace OH MY

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So not like I have a lot going on for me personally.

So I had it in my head today that applying to a college again was the best thing I can add to my plate of fucking shit. I keep shoving it down my throat, choking and no one is there to keep me level headed….go me right? I got up this morning all ready to go after I had fallen back asleep watching 2 episodes of season two of Hannibal got dressed and headed down in to the basement with coffee in hand, laptop and confusion mixed in with anxiety as I had to figure out how I was going to pack all of my shit spend a boat load of money and what not. So from 9-12:30 I was down there drinking coffee, facebooking, watching documentaries on Hulu.com as I was trying to get my shit into a huge big box. Only after I realized a lot of the cloths I had I wasn’t going to miss if I donated it to Goodwill…so I had to go through it again and I have donated a lot things, even books which is shocking. When I cam up for a pee break and potentially some lunch I started looking at colleges again. The Aunt was trying to figure out what she wanted for flooring so I was multitasking, researching and looking at wood flooring. I tried to talk to my old college about things but they just wanted me to start with my fasfa and apply this and that this and that. When I got a phone call from an advisor from DeVry  I was nervous because I thought they were going to give me a whole fucking rigmarole again but no…this time they actually talked to me, they wanted to get to know me and know me, and see where I was headed. We talked about my degree, and we managed to narrow down some things. I originally wanted to go back for Psychology because I want to help people as my career. And Paralegal just wasn’t doing it for me. She suggested Justice of Administration with a concentration in Emergency Management. I get to help people in a psychological manner during like natural disaster’s such as hurricane’s, flooding, shootings, etc. I really want to see myself working in an Emergency room talking with people who have tried suicide, drug addictions, shooting victims etc. I can see myself being that person, someone they can talk too, I am an outsider but I care. Shit I can work in Hostage situations working with the families of victims that are being held hostage.

 

Emergency Management Courses

The Justice Administration degree program with a specialization in Emergency Management may include these career-focused courses:

  • Emergency Management – This course deals with emergency or disaster risk mitigation, preparedness, response, and recovery. Topics include managing complex organizations and emergency decision-making, interagency cooperation, risk assessment, planning preparations, humanitarian interventions, and recovery challenges.
  • Disaster Response – Students in this course explore various types and phases of disasters, responses that are planned or improvised, and problem avoidance during disasters. Urgent care of disaster victims, search and rescue, dealing with fatalities, and models of overall recovery operations are examined.
  • Emergency Planning – In this course, which explores planning within the overall emergency management field and its relationship to mitigation planning, the purpose, principles, processes, and resource aspects of planning are considered for planning teams and organizations, and communication of plans.
  • Terrorism in Emergency Management – Examining emergency management considerations when terrorist behavior or acts are a factor, this course looks at threats, consequences, and responses, with an interagency perspective, through the life cycle of emergency management, from preparedness and planning to long-term recovery.
  • Technology in Emergency Management – In this course, students learn to use technology in emergency planning, response, recovery, and mitigation efforts, as well as key elements that must be in place for technology to enhance the emergency management process. Operational problems and recovery are analyzed.
  • Crisis Intervention – This course explores approaches to intervening in traumatic or dangerous social events precipitated by groups, individuals, or environmental factors, with consequences for individuals or groups. Decision-making under time limitations and uncertainty is considered.

there that sums it up! I am looking forward to a new challenge and I love college. I love learning. And as my boyfriend is going to Antartica this will keep be focused and busy working and studying. DeVry also you don’t have to sit in classes either you do your own thing, post, and submit things and take tests at certain times. I think I can manage that and still do my thing. The hell with it I guess right? I have no money so lets keep adding to the issue. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he didn’t seem interested in my higher learning program. I am hoping since he is at work he will talk to me later and not be a grump about it. If he doesn’t want to talk to me then that will really hurt my feelings I did a lot of research today about it too. He told me to go for it in the first place I would hate to think that he just really doesn’t care. I also have been feeling lately that he is trying to distance himself from me because he is going away. I just found out yesterday that we wont be able to video chat because the connection there isn’t good just being able to send emails and facebook. I had to walk away we were at Cabla’s I needed to decompress the whole thought of NOT seeing him for 6 fucking months. NOT SEEING HIM REALLY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JUST SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

I am also very tired from overthinking and now packing, and now school maybe starting September 1. I need a god damn adult at times.

 

A Case of the Monday’s

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Good Morning. Kind of. Well yes it really is morning for me not sure where for everyone else and depending on what time you read this….moving on.

My weekend was fantastic. AMAZING. Actually. My boyfriend took me out on a date night on Saturday, nice romantic dinner and then we went and saw the movie Tammy which I recommend to those who love comedy. Then we got up super early on Sunday to go the Denver Zoo!!!! 

I love animals so freaking much I actually this week have a job opportunity to work at the zoo doing guest service. How awesome would that be? My friend and family would lose their mind because of how much I love animals. Being so close to them, looking into a gorillas eyes and seeing how closely related we really are took my breath away. Just listening to little children gasp and get just as excited this adult here made me feel alive! I was tugging my boyfriend along going COME ON COME ON! Smiling all day long up until we went to bed. Animals to me are so much more interesting than humans.I have been asked why I never become a zoologist or something in that field. Well I don’t really know. I guess I tried to look at having a degree that would make sure I was getting money. Low and behold not so much. I have a degree and no job to show for it. It makes me feel like maybe I really did chose the wrong path. But what is that path I am supposed to take? Being at the zoo has really made me re-think a lot of things in my life. I was so over joyed walking through the zoo seeing animals that I have only seen on tv and books (internet too) that I wanted to get closer to them. I am not saying I am going to go back to school to work with Animals but I think it is time I get into something that I am very passionate about. Like writing, and helping people. 

I have thought about going back to school to be come an eating disorder consular for adults. I have been battling this illness for so long that I cannot stand the thought of others suffering like I have. (am, is, learning….) As as an Adult it is so much harder to be able to move on and change while as a child/young adult your brain is still developing and can make changes rather quickly I feel personally that is. I am sure people can disagree but I myself as an adult who has started this hellish journey at 19 and it kept going and going and going and going. I want to help and show them that change is possible. But my boyfriend has said its a good idea that I want to help “broken people.” but I need to be fixed myself before giving advice to others or even trying to give advice to those where I can’t even take advice myself. Yes I agree and I know that I say things to other people to help but where I can’t even help myself. Ugh. Such a vicious cycle. 

It seriously took a zoo to made me smile deeply inside to really make a change. Once I can get settled with a job, and money, and a new home school will be on my to do list. 

Meet my new friend the Komodo Dragon 🙂