27 going on extinct

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Well today is my 27th Birthday and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in the last 10 years alone. 10 years ago I turned well 17 and that doesn’t seem so far way now does it. NO. Not really. But in away its so far. And I know that a lot of people go through a lot of things and that is fine. What I cannot accept is that I really feel as though I have failed. I have not done what I have wanted by this age. I wanted to be married, have a house or a condo somewhere, with a good paying job, be financially stable. Here I am sitting in my mothers house where I grew up sipping coffee with a Princess Tiara on my head after doing another quiz for school because my first degree turned out to be null and void because I hate it so much. While my boyfriend is still playing with fucking penguins. How low do I really need to feel in order to rise again? I know that some things in life are easier for others and I know that I shouldn’t complain that much as there is a roof over my head I have some close friends, I have two little dogs that I love. And its my birthday and I just feel so…non existent.

I guess its because  I am now shy of being 30 years old and no one really thinks of that age when you are younger. Like being a teenager for example didn’t really think about this limbo stage of my life. Then again I really didn’t see me here either. Nothing really does go as planned I suppose.

 

I also hate when people say that “you have to get through the bad in order to get through the good.” Ever notice the ones who say that are the ones who were basically given everything to them? like sure they may have had a little bump in the road but there was someone there to hold their hand through the entire time and pushing up the hill instead of climbing that mountain alone. Then again I need to look in the mirror because I am guilty of saying as well. But to my friends who have been through some shit.

 

My best friend since we were like 13. She had cancer. She almost died. I sat with her through chemo sessions, I have helped her get in and out of cars, beds, chairs, seen her get sick from radiation, from foods, from drinking water. I told her I would buzz my head for her to make her feel better. I have gone up to people and screamed at them for staring too long at her. It i what I do. I care and I love those around me. Sometimes also those don’t care or matter.

 

This is why I am going to a counselor because of all these fucking emotions going through my head. He should just read some of my blogs or my old journals those are good examples of my life right there. Like I said I used to write so much but I have now digressed do to school work which keeps me somewhat sane. When I am not screaming and crying and pulling all nighters to do an essay that I had plenty of time to do but to do it at the last second. That is irrelevant but any who. I just want to feel normal, but then again what is normal? What if I am only geared to these melancholy moments? Or always have these neurotic tendencies for the rest of my life? How is that going to accomplish anything? What about when I graduate college with a degree in psychology and mental health how is that going to work? I cannot be like this and try and help others like me. If I can’t fix me I can’t help them. But then again that is why I am seeing someone. Still haven’t made the doctors appointments or the dentist appointment will do Monday its Sunday so nothing is ready to go.

I have to believe I was brought into this world for something greater than these feelings. I can alter them, that is the beauty right? You have the power to make yourself happy. And striving for that and not being extinct.

 

Happy Birthday to me I guess. Lets see if I go out with a friend later. I have been flanking out on her lately because I have been too tired to want to stay out all night. But its my Birthday and I will most likely cry. Ugh.

Start of New Year

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Well it is the start of the new year and I have been trying to stay positive through it all.

I have a lot of thinking to do meaning what is really important in my life and who. I am going to be 26 on Saturday and it scares me. Why you may ask? Because I honestly didn’t see myself in the position that I am in now. But then again does anyone really have their life the way that they wanted and or envisioned? I don’t really think so.

I wanted to be engaged, getting ready to be married, perhaps start a family before 30. Have my dream job. But no. I am working on my second degree which is going quite well so that is something that I can say that I am proud about myself. I am loving my psychology class that I am currently taking. I will be on my way to helping others in a few years. I also need to learn to help myself first. I have been telling myself I will see someone soon but it never happens. I know what my demons are but I am in a sick way afraid to lose them. Why? Because they are all I have known for years and it is almost comforting to know that they are there in the back of my mind. Lurking with in the shadows. They are with me every step that I take, they are behind every smile that I fake to even smothering me while I cry myself to sleep at night at times.

I was having really bad anxiety attacks last month to a point where I was waking up in the middle of the night trying to breath. I could feel my chest getting tighter and I was almost gasping for breath. Nightmares were in full force again for me too. It seemed the only thing at night to put me to sleep for a few hours were kissing the bottle and yet that too at times didn’t seem to help.

But it is the new year and I have not had a big anxiety attack. I have not had any nightmares, nor do I need to kiss the bottle to ease me into sleep. I am trying to stay focused on school as usual, I am there for my best friend who has cancer. I am taking the blunt force end of my sister inlaws crazy rants that has to do with work and some personal things. I am always everyone’s scapegoat. I just take it and allow it to hold me down with my anger that is inside.

There isn’t a whole lot I have ever asked for in my life. Just simplicity. I am not a complicated person but it seems that I must be. Perhaps some of the things that I have been doing lately aren’t really good but I know that is something that I like I have already stated need to work on. I have the power to make myself happy. I have always tried but it seems that no matter what I do something back fires. That is why it is called life. It isn’t supposed to be easy. I know this, and I am embracing it really I am. I have come a long way. At 19 I was really going down the wrong path with my life. I wasn’t striving like I am today, I had not ambitions in my life I was going no where. Now I really am on my way to be somebody. I am not saying be somebody famous but at least at the end of my day my contributions to this world for someone else is going to be more rewarding than anything. That is if I actually make it.