To The Body I will Never Love;

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TO the body I will never love;

I am sorry. I am sorry I have abused you every single day for the last 6 years of my adulthood. I am sorry that I never felt accepted or wanted because of my size. I am sorry dear body that all you were doing was making sure I was still breathing, pumping blood from my heart and helping me move my bones. I am sorry that I mentally told you I was done living on more than one occasion. I am sorry for all the drugs I have tried to kill what I thought was pain inside. Dear body I am sorry that I ate so much and then didn’t. Dear skin I am sorry that you have stretch marks from being overweight to being too skinny to putting on weight again. I am sorry for the fact that I lost so much so fast now I look like failed weightless survivor off of the Biggest Loser. Well because I am the biggest loser. For hurting you dear body.

I am sorry I can’t love you as I should. I am sorry that I have a sickness in my head that I hate myself and you dear body. I see these images of beautiful women of all sizes and I cannot be happy with what I have. I have made drastic changes that have hurt my insides I have ruined you. That isn’t fair. You know for a long time dear body that I was trying to kill myself because of the nasty thoughts that I was thinking and feeling. I shouldn’t have to think that way all because I thought that I didn’t fit into the world of beauty. I am beautiful. It shouldn’t matter size jeans I am in, it shouldn’t matter what the fucking scale says. I am beautiful. I woke up and I am breathing. That is beautiful.

I am sorry dear body that I feel out of place with you all the time. That I feel you shouldn’t be touched by anyone but me. I am sorry dear body that my boyfriend loves me but I have it in my head that he will always love someone else bigger and prettier than me. That is what is inside my head that I clearly need help with understanding that I am wrong. OR am I? I am sorry that I am scared of ever getting married because I feel I will never look good in a wedding dress or that I am afraid scared to have a child because I am afraid to get morbidly obese. It is a gift to have children and to marry the love of your life. I am sorry I am afraid of all these things because I hate you.

I am sorry dear body. I wish I could one day love you and myself for what I really am.

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Serving Rant

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In is last time I knew 2014. 

This is a era of when I as a woman can be successful, potentially actually make more many than a man *gasp* and not be a young mother. When I was working in the restaurant industry as a hostess and a sever I got asked a lot about my children…which I guess in a way is quite normal for younger women like myself working as a server and it doesn’t help that I actually have a tattoo on my left wrist of a date. Which actually has nothing to do with another human beings birth. 

I remember one night I was so so annoyed with a woman’s nagging about me being so pretty and I shouldn’t have to work like this to put food on the table for my kids. I blew up. I lost it. I smiled at her as sweet as I could and said. “Ma’am the tattoo on my wrist is not my child’s birth date. I as a matter of fact don’t have children. Here is something shocking for you, I am college educated, I take care of my Grandfather after my Grandmother passed away, that date you think is my kids birth date is the date of when I reconnected with my biological father who passed away. Yes I have a boyfriend but no we don’t want to have kids. Please think before quick to judge someone who is serving your food.”

She actually left me a nice tip. 

I am floored by how some people don’t have a filter. Who just simply think it is OK to judge someone by their work, their tattoos, their hair due. I probably came off very bitchy like but she needed to be put in her place. That tattoo is very special to me. I mean it is understandable that someone was quick to judge a young woman working as a server. It happens. Some people also need to realize that some young men and women don’t just serve because they cannot get a regular job or go to school. ACTUALLY some go to school and just help pay some extra bills. I know its 2014 and there has been a lot of young moms out there but sorry folks who either asked me bluntly or silently judged me because of my past work…I don’t have kids. I don’t. I hope that lady has refrained from asking other servers about their personal life. I mean it is great to chit chat and such but since I have moved on from the server world and moved out of state itself it just doesn’t stop. 

Am I doomed till I actually get an “adult job” that people think I am living on welfare and chain smoking popping out babies? This society is slightly twisted and we are always so quick to judge. I am not one to talk I see a homeless person and wonder, gee what got them in to this situation? Drugs? Gambling? Booze? Lost it all to someone they loved and trusted? Why didn’t they get help when there are ways to get help? Perhaps we will never know. I have a roof over my head, a loving boyfriend, friends and family that love me and support me. No kids, income and maybe someday I will have a “big kid job” and people wont whisper about my personal life about my kids…they can just wonder how many tattoos I actually have that are hidden.