Yelling at myself silently in the bathroom tub

Standard

I keep find excuses not to go to the fucking doctor like my counselor has advised me too because I don’t want to go through that experience again with the machines, the blood work, the notion that I am giving up my ED its so scary.

I know the difference between right and wrong. I am studying this and its something I don’t want to let go. Its mine. My own. This is my demon. I know there are others struggling too but. Its mine. I gained weight since being 117 pounds but I want to be that skinny again and I know how to do it. I need to get back into over exercising again, stop drinking and eating all together. I am eating to play face so I have to purge. I hate bulimia. Anorexia was so much easier I just didn’t eat. This is so difficult and I hate not being in control. Now its over eating and puking that is where I am gaining the weight and that does happen. I fluctuate from 120-135 so that really fucking bothers me. I hate that about myself. I have to be on the scale I have to know, I have to see I need to know why I hate my body so fucking much.

 

I am sitting on my bathtub rim wrapped in a towel hiding from my mother. Why? Because something inside of me knows that she has been a key component to my disorder as well as body image issues from my childhood as being and obese girl. I have had too many fits over my body then too that its not fair to be feeling this way.

I know that my relationship isn’t the best or the healthiest and I do mean that both ways. I have a lot to learn and I  just want to be left alone with my own devices. I shouldn’t have gone to seen the counselor it was a bad Idea.

 

No no its not you can do this.

Advertisements

I finally have broken down

Standard

Just as the title says. I have finally broken down and started seeing a counselor. I am tired of feeling the way that I do, and in order for me to be a good counselor I need the right help.  I cried a good part of the morning before my evaluation. I wanted to back out but I knew deep down that I couldn’t because I wasn’t going to get anywhere. I knew that I had to do this for me, and live a happier healthier life. I cannot keep battling with myself and my ED anymore. Its been too long 8 years and going strong is something that no one should go through.

The session was good and I spilled out what I needed too, in order for my counselor to guide me. I know that we are going to evaluate my home life and my relationship and how I need to move on and gear myself up for my life without ED. I have to make a doctors appointment but I haven’t done it yet because I already have an outstanding bill with the walk in here from a few years ago when I tried getting help the first time. Stupid I know.

It has also been a long time since I have blogged. I have been really busy with school work and making good grades. Which is nice I want to make sure I am on top of things and being the best I can be. If medical school is in my future I need these grades to be top notch. My boyfriend is still down playing at the south pole so that is super fun. I have told him what I am doing he is happy but he doesn’t really understand the gravity of the situation. He is a main reason why I am there. Also my family home life is too. The way that I was raised and brought up isn’t helpful hence why I tend to stray and run away. Wonder if that will come up in my sessions or do I really have the capacity of neglecting to tell my counselor what i want to tell him? I think I do, but I also know enough to know what I can disclose and not. I can either make this simple and easy like he did his job or be like a regular client who has a lot going on. Which I do and it wouldn’t be fair to abuse what I have. But I also don’t want to really dig deep enough into my value system to break me further. What if I like what I have that keeps me slightly sane? I know it seems like I am being totally blunt and not rational but sometimes life leads us to have some sot of mystery. But I wonder how long can I keep it a secret or a mystery? Will something in my life become more than just a snare? I don’t know. I think that I put too much of an emphasis on what might make me feel upset versus reality or the gravity of the situation. Like I don’t like conflict and would much rather avoid it all together and ignore it and move on as long as everyone is happy then screw what I am dealing with. I know that I need not to feel this way but I have too.

Trying to study mental health has really made me more aware that my life was legit kind of fucking shitty. I feel that I am going to be one of those counselors that is going to be more brash and open. Reality Therapy seems great but also I enjoy Cognitive Therapy as well. But a lot of people need to be slapped into reality like hey guys this is NOW granted you have some inner turmoil that is dragging you down, that is ok, lets work on it. I got this. I feel as though that I want to work with people who feel as though they have nothing left to give, depression, ED, I had an interesting time with Family system because of my own personal experiences with my own family that is so fucked up I don’t even touch that barely scrape the surface on that topic please. If we were to seek help on that I am sure the therapist would put their hands up and walk away scattering paper work like “FUCK THIS I AM OUT.” and trust me my family life came into play with my session. I have a lot of anger towards my mother and a lot of reassessment and hate towards my brother for the way  I am belittled, degraded and made fun of all of my life. I have been verbally abused all of my life and I am making a difference by not associated myself from that. It is hard. Anyone that can associate with that knows. Its a bitch to deal with and I am being honest. I hated my teens. It wasn’t fun. I have a lot to work on and I am finally willing to do so. I am going to be 27 in a few days and enough is enough. I am tired, I am hurt, I am weak, I am frail. I am sick, I am just ready to breath freely of all this shit that is inside of me.

 

I have a lot of inner demons to face and I know its going to be a challenge but I am willing to try and face them and not back down. I have to do this. For myself. I guess what I am afraid of is losing my close friend, letting go of certain people if I have too although I see quite a good gain….we shall see. I am also trying to make sure I keep up to date with blogging I am making it a thing again that I try and write about my progress now. I know that they say writing can heal you. Lets see what happens next week.

Opinions are like assholes, we all have one. Just shit out of yours.

Standard

In the year 2015 I have seen a lot of things myself grow in the last 20 years. I am 26 years old and I feel utterly nervous for the future children that are being born as of right now.

We are living in a world that controlled by mass media, social networks and all the high powers of the internet. Parents throw a Kindle or a tablet in font of their faces, hand them cell phones to play with while shopping just to shut them up. Being entertained is one thing but to really close their mind to reality is scary. Children today are growing up to feel like they are too privileged to listen to authority, and take orders and be snarky an utterly rude to others while they hide behind their screens being the tough kid. All words and no verbal speech.Threaten to take away the wifi and see a major meltdown. What have we done? why is this being allowed here today?

Also having an opinion or view that is different then someone else and sharing it on a social media site will send so many people into a war fest that they think they have won the epic battle with words while in reality it is bashing others and not taking into consideration that, that other person has their right to feel what they did in the first place. Everyone has an opinion just like an asshole. But how about we let that person shit out what they want too with out you taking a fucking laxative? As I said we are hiding behind computer screens and cellphone thinking that nothing will touch you.

Growing up I was known as the person that always spoke their mind in a class room and had heated discussions with teachers which I gained some respect from fellow classmates. Now in 2015 I have been told I am cold heartless person for seeing a view on something aside from others and I am in the wrong. What is the difference from my views 10 years ago till now? Well here it is. 10 years is a long time and I have grown and matured enough to see the side of an argument as well as to think I have to write a 20 page essay in why I feel the way that I feel about something with a reference page and a cliff note attachment. People become so angry with you when you are not on the same page. I hate to pop your bubble but not everyone in this world is going to agree with you on every single thing you believe in.

I am all for a good debate really, but the fact that I am belittled and called a sad human being from a person who themselves is not the best one to be casting stones ( am being very nice to what I have verbally said to myself.) in the first place. It makes me shutter to think that these people think that they are the better ones than me because they used their words and tried talking a big game to me. Ok use all the words you want against me that is fine. Really. I don’t mind at all. I mind that you think that you are better than me because your view is better than mine. Not the case. Humans will always have augments  over the most petty things in life. So why stop now?

I am no longer using Facebook to share something that I have a belief in or something that I stand with. Why? because what is the point? I know how I feel about something and that is really is all that matters. I was whimsy and negligence and falling into that sewer of social media. I let my guard down and for that I am ashamed for. I am post here tonight because its a place that I can just share thoughts and feelings as an adult. And for Christ sake freaking spell check knows that Facebook is capsized. What is going on in this world?!

There really needs to be a break from all of this mass media and social networking. People have to make a date on their calendars to just away away put away their cellphones and tablets and be one with themselves. I told my boyfriend that we should both deactivate our accounts for a while when he is back from Antarctica and focus on what is important, us, our future and working, me finish up my second degree (why yes I added that in because of those who bashed me before whom never even obtained ONE this is a little jab at you for feeling utterly intelligent and making me feel like a horrible person and second guessing my own personal thoughts. Hows that for being a complete asshole?) and maybe planning a wedding and kids. Stuff that doesn’t have to involve the internet for once.

We are really missing the real aspects of communication with one another.

So news flash. I have an asshole. You have an asshole.

Just shit out of yours ok?

You can only learn so much and live

Standard

I have skipped an entire month but that is what I do at times.

I have a lot going on and I am going to be brash. I have been whimsy these last several months with my heart and with my mind. I am stuck in a place that I fear to run away from but I need to escape to breath. I have to learn to be on my own and figure out that maybe I should be alone for a long time. I cannot control other people but I can control my life.

And I need to get rid of some things that might look like the best thing that has ever happened to me but they are not. My heart has become black with hatred that I have bestowed on myself and it is not fair. What I have done to myself and others is shameful. I hate myself for it. I hate who I have become in the last several months since December of last year. I have been swept off my feet, caught in a web, and handcuffed to this shame. I am formulating an escape route and it is working out just fine.

My mother has pointed out to me that I am utterly cunning and sneaky when I have to be. Why yes I do considering the state that I am in, I have to be in order to save myself. I am going to admit it yes I am a selfish human fucking being. I am. I have been walked on, verbally, mentally abused, and I have taken shit from just about from everyone. Friends, coworkers, family, partners. I am so utterly tired of this bullshit. So, so tired. I am tired of this life I have been living and the lies and the manipulation. I know I am going to hell and some sort of bad karma is going towards my way for what I have done.

All in the name of feeling alive for once in my life. And it turns out, it is the biggest mistake you can possibly fucking make. When you lose judgement on yourself and then BAM …life happens and you feel more pain then love.

You can only learn so much and live.

Human Life

Standard

This happens more often then what people think. As I study psychology and become more self-aware of myself I have come to fully understand a lot more about my inner core.

I have been going through a lot since December if 2014 and that is not even mentioning personal reasons prior to this interaction that I have seemed to be now fully committed too.

I keep falling for the same things every single time. I think that I have established trust with someone who I KNOW isn’t worth it, and I KNOW they cannot be trusted period. So why do I keep putting myself in the same position, the same feeling of helplessness, the same feelings of blame, anger, depression. sadness, emptiness, and utter shame? I know that this person tells me things that I want to hear to use me and use my kindness against me. Why? Why do I keep allowing this to happen? I know that it is wrong, I have my friends and family see the pain that I am in constantly by this person’s negligence to fully be contingent of my feelings. That is not love, because I wouldn’t want my best friend to feel how I feel sometimes at the end of the day.

Now back to December of 2014. They say that things happen for a reason. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. I agree to this 110%

I have blogged about this encounter briefly before to which I will at some point in my life actually for once go into full blown detail about the most happiest events in my life. And I say that in just as well. HAPPIEST.

What I am coming around too is that it has taken me years of mental and emotional abuse from someone and even from myself to realize that I have so much potential in this world that I don’t need to feel like I want to run in front of a car while on a walk, or want to slam my car into a tree coming home late from work. I have also realized that I don’t need to keep swishing the empty bottles looking for the answers for my pain, and not fearing that there are monsters in my bed, when it has been both a part of me and someone else who I have loved for so long to make me feel this way.

Humans are a funny thing. We are creatures of here and now. We have so many ample opportunities to do a million different things, and million different opportunities to do nice, or hurtful and evil things to others. Some people in this world clearly lack empathy. It has been documented that we can actually be born with out having the clear understanding of empathy and just go about doing what they think is socially acceptable because they simply cannot feel anything else. Now that is sad believe me, I am personally, very emotional, kind, caring and deep individual. Considering I am a Capricorn.

I am just a scared human being. I am scared of the hurt that is both inside and what could happen on the outside to me that is. Life is scary and we cannot avoid it. I have the power to make myself happy and yet I am obviously going about it the wrong way.

To sum it up I have by the end of August to make your brake.

Shallow Me

Standard

There are certain things in my life that I really do take to heart. Firstly when someone basically calls me shallow because I am trying to keep in shape is beyond rude. I am doing this because if no one has fucking noticed I have been battling and eating disorder for 7 years. And its crippling. For those who have survived or know someone who is a survivor  know how hard it really can be. Its a mental disorder that I have that hurts and its scary. It is something that you just don’t wake up one morning and go “why yes it is going to be ok today I am fine.” in reality its not.

Why yes I am bothered by the way that I look. Why yes I hate the fucking number on the scale. Why yes I hate the way my cloths look. I have been 220 pounds, I have been 117 pounds. My kidneys have basically failed, my liver almost stopped. Heartburn so badly that it keeps me up at night because of induced vomiting. Its a terrible thing to have and I do not wish it upon anyone else in this world but that is something that I cannot stop. What I can do is make it aware that its not fun to feel the way that  I do.

I know that I need help. Of course I do. I am not denying that having an eating disorder is just simply something for attention. By all means for me it has never been for attention. It is funny how the human brain works and simply one can snap without knowing how or why.

I also do not like when I think I have a friend they think that telling me to go off and do something that they know is horribly wrong because I said I did certain things that made me feel good, but are dangerous. That is not helpful by all means. People have no filters and I am also one of them but at least I know enough to know that sometimes its better to keep things left unsaid. I know now that I have let my guard down and I am ashamed of it. I will no longer allow someone into my life who hasn’t seen me like I am for 7 years. Hence my one best friend in the entire world. She understands what I have been through and has been helping me ever since. She knows what I have been through. No matter near or far she has my back. I am done trying to explain myself to a stranger. I get that people care but please don’t use it against me. I cannot stand that.

I wish there was more for me to say about this. There is but I am utterly drained. I am sad, confused, lost, loathing myself in which the skin I wear will never really fit no matter what I do.

Welcome to my life.

33 Weird Thoughts Every Woman Starts Having In Her Mid 20s

Standard

These are very true and very funny!

Thought Catalog

1. “Is it normal to hate everybody? Are the people around me insufferable or is it just me?”

2. “I don’t know why there aren’tnutrition labels on wine bottlesbut I support whatever that reason is.”

3. “So I really have no idea how to save for retirement orwhat’s best for my credit score or what the difference is between CDs or other accounts they talk about on the commercials, but I’m financially stable enough not to have to ask my dad for help, so I’m just gonna wait until that’s not the case anymore or I’ll just WikiHow everything. That’s basically the game plan.”

4. “Would what I am doing right now be called trashy in some circles? Because I’m thinking yes.”

5. “Or I can just find somebody really really rich, marry them and maintain a very happy surface level relationship and never worry about a thing again.”

6…

View original post 632 more words