I finally have broken down

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Just as the title says. I have finally broken down and started seeing a counselor. I am tired of feeling the way that I do, and in order for me to be a good counselor I need the right help.  I cried a good part of the morning before my evaluation. I wanted to back out but I knew deep down that I couldn’t because I wasn’t going to get anywhere. I knew that I had to do this for me, and live a happier healthier life. I cannot keep battling with myself and my ED anymore. Its been too long 8 years and going strong is something that no one should go through.

The session was good and I spilled out what I needed too, in order for my counselor to guide me. I know that we are going to evaluate my home life and my relationship and how I need to move on and gear myself up for my life without ED. I have to make a doctors appointment but I haven’t done it yet because I already have an outstanding bill with the walk in here from a few years ago when I tried getting help the first time. Stupid I know.

It has also been a long time since I have blogged. I have been really busy with school work and making good grades. Which is nice I want to make sure I am on top of things and being the best I can be. If medical school is in my future I need these grades to be top notch. My boyfriend is still down playing at the south pole so that is super fun. I have told him what I am doing he is happy but he doesn’t really understand the gravity of the situation. He is a main reason why I am there. Also my family home life is too. The way that I was raised and brought up isn’t helpful hence why I tend to stray and run away. Wonder if that will come up in my sessions or do I really have the capacity of neglecting to tell my counselor what i want to tell him? I think I do, but I also know enough to know what I can disclose and not. I can either make this simple and easy like he did his job or be like a regular client who has a lot going on. Which I do and it wouldn’t be fair to abuse what I have. But I also don’t want to really dig deep enough into my value system to break me further. What if I like what I have that keeps me slightly sane? I know it seems like I am being totally blunt and not rational but sometimes life leads us to have some sot of mystery. But I wonder how long can I keep it a secret or a mystery? Will something in my life become more than just a snare? I don’t know. I think that I put too much of an emphasis on what might make me feel upset versus reality or the gravity of the situation. Like I don’t like conflict and would much rather avoid it all together and ignore it and move on as long as everyone is happy then screw what I am dealing with. I know that I need not to feel this way but I have too.

Trying to study mental health has really made me more aware that my life was legit kind of fucking shitty. I feel that I am going to be one of those counselors that is going to be more brash and open. Reality Therapy seems great but also I enjoy Cognitive Therapy as well. But a lot of people need to be slapped into reality like hey guys this is NOW granted you have some inner turmoil that is dragging you down, that is ok, lets work on it. I got this. I feel as though that I want to work with people who feel as though they have nothing left to give, depression, ED, I had an interesting time with Family system because of my own personal experiences with my own family that is so fucked up I don’t even touch that barely scrape the surface on that topic please. If we were to seek help on that I am sure the therapist would put their hands up and walk away scattering paper work like “FUCK THIS I AM OUT.” and trust me my family life came into play with my session. I have a lot of anger towards my mother and a lot of reassessment and hate towards my brother for the way  I am belittled, degraded and made fun of all of my life. I have been verbally abused all of my life and I am making a difference by not associated myself from that. It is hard. Anyone that can associate with that knows. Its a bitch to deal with and I am being honest. I hated my teens. It wasn’t fun. I have a lot to work on and I am finally willing to do so. I am going to be 27 in a few days and enough is enough. I am tired, I am hurt, I am weak, I am frail. I am sick, I am just ready to breath freely of all this shit that is inside of me.

 

I have a lot of inner demons to face and I know its going to be a challenge but I am willing to try and face them and not back down. I have to do this. For myself. I guess what I am afraid of is losing my close friend, letting go of certain people if I have too although I see quite a good gain….we shall see. I am also trying to make sure I keep up to date with blogging I am making it a thing again that I try and write about my progress now. I know that they say writing can heal you. Lets see what happens next week.

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