Well it is the start of the new year and I have been trying to stay positive through it all.
I have a lot of thinking to do meaning what is really important in my life and who. I am going to be 26 on Saturday and it scares me. Why you may ask? Because I honestly didn’t see myself in the position that I am in now. But then again does anyone really have their life the way that they wanted and or envisioned? I don’t really think so.
I wanted to be engaged, getting ready to be married, perhaps start a family before 30. Have my dream job. But no. I am working on my second degree which is going quite well so that is something that I can say that I am proud about myself. I am loving my psychology class that I am currently taking. I will be on my way to helping others in a few years. I also need to learn to help myself first. I have been telling myself I will see someone soon but it never happens. I know what my demons are but I am in a sick way afraid to lose them. Why? Because they are all I have known for years and it is almost comforting to know that they are there in the back of my mind. Lurking with in the shadows. They are with me every step that I take, they are behind every smile that I fake to even smothering me while I cry myself to sleep at night at times.
I was having really bad anxiety attacks last month to a point where I was waking up in the middle of the night trying to breath. I could feel my chest getting tighter and I was almost gasping for breath. Nightmares were in full force again for me too. It seemed the only thing at night to put me to sleep for a few hours were kissing the bottle and yet that too at times didn’t seem to help.
But it is the new year and I have not had a big anxiety attack. I have not had any nightmares, nor do I need to kiss the bottle to ease me into sleep. I am trying to stay focused on school as usual, I am there for my best friend who has cancer. I am taking the blunt force end of my sister inlaws crazy rants that has to do with work and some personal things. I am always everyone’s scapegoat. I just take it and allow it to hold me down with my anger that is inside.
There isn’t a whole lot I have ever asked for in my life. Just simplicity. I am not a complicated person but it seems that I must be. Perhaps some of the things that I have been doing lately aren’t really good but I know that is something that I like I have already stated need to work on. I have the power to make myself happy. I have always tried but it seems that no matter what I do something back fires. That is why it is called life. It isn’t supposed to be easy. I know this, and I am embracing it really I am. I have come a long way. At 19 I was really going down the wrong path with my life. I wasn’t striving like I am today, I had not ambitions in my life I was going no where. Now I really am on my way to be somebody. I am not saying be somebody famous but at least at the end of my day my contributions to this world for someone else is going to be more rewarding than anything. That is if I actually make it.