Dear Lover

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I try to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions.

When I see you my chest tightens and my mouth instantly turns into a smile, and sometimes I feel like I am losing my senses. How to walk, talk, think, perhaps not being to cognitively put an actually sentence together when I try to speak—to you.

I am in love with how you smirk at me when you come home from work, and when you walk through the door in those dusty work boots and how your hips sway from the weight of them. I love how your hands know a hard days work and yet know a goods night love making.

I love how your lips are so soft, softer than mine on my skin and soul, how you touch every single part of me. Your smile fills me up like your laughter does and my heart wants to burst with love.

And I am still trying to collaborate words to tell you my love for you. I can show you more than words by having you in my arms and being together lying naked in bed in any kind of weather.

I love when you kiss me and I can feel on my cheek you are smiling, or when you simply laugh at my silliness. I love your quiet I love yous, to your verbal ones. I love your knowledge of all boyish manly things against my nerdy bookish nature. I know through it all I am the one you truly love. No matter what mountains we climb, oceans we cross. The love is there.

I love how pasta is your favorite meal to my meatloaf or me just paying for dinner. I love you when words run short or my mouth goes dry and I cannot shout or speak (for once right?) And yet I feel like I am stumbling for the right words for you. Because I want them to be perfect for you like you are for me. You have the most beautiful brown eyes, and such amazing thick hair that I love to run my fingers through. Your body itself is a master piece crafted from a hard manual labor. I love caressing your strong arms and down your muscular back all the way to your perfect plump hiney that I have an unusually unhealthy obsession with. I crave to touch you from your head down to your thick manly thighs. I see you and I become weak, I tremble before you. You are my Kryptonite. My knight and shining armor, my Koala Bear my love love my ink to my pen to which my love can flow from. My everything and more.

But deep down I should know by now that “I love you” should be enough. But its not—not for me. I will keep searching through very empty ice cream containers we share, through my tears of laughter, and sometimes sadness, through the rough times for me to be able to collaborate the right words for you. Being in love with you has brought me the most greatest gift.

There are so many reasons why I am in love with you, and here again I am trying to find the right words to tell you. You came into my life at a time where I thought there was no such thing as love anymore. We were essentially kids and we have grown up together, basically, learning the ins and outs as kids, to adults on what love is. We have been through so much, put each other through so much. And as I try to collaborate the right simplistic words to say to you on my love for you, I am stumbling. From every single adventure we have embarked together, long car rids, giggling, sitting silently in the dark watching tv shows and movies, my love is an aurora around you. Your strength, your smarts, you are so intelligent and so talented. You are the most hardworking man I have ever meet, someone who always has a plan, a doer not a follower, you are a leader. You want something you get it, do it show it. But are so quiet about the whole ordeal. You are like fog against the mountains still hauntingly beautiful to look at but consuming. I am consumed by you. Underneath your quiet exterior I have seen you at your greatest and I have seen you at your weakest. I have brought strength and weakness to you, as you have done for me.

I love you with so much muchness that sometimes I feel that I don’t have much muchness to give, or I give to much and I am squeezing you like a little child holding a puppy for too long. You are going on an adventure of a life time, and this time I cannot follow suit. The real test of love is holding on and I will be holding on for you like I am on a war ship crashing into waves in the Bering Sea, longing to reach you on an island to which I will attack you like a pirate grabbing on to your booty. No matter how far you will be you will always be right there in a pocket of my heart. I want you to never let me go never stop thinking of me, or stop loving me. Because when you return back into my arms I am safe, I am comforted, I am loved. By you. I need you.

And still as I try to find the right simplistic words to say to you about my love for you, so many memories come flooding in. So many small details of our lives I have kept in the vault of my memory. I find myself often thinking of these memories and smiling alone, looking like an idiot if for anyone to have seen me may think of me a fool, or even disturbed. I would rather call it gifted because I have been gifted with love. And as I write this the tears flows because I have so much emotion, so much of myself that I have given to you, and I want you to have. I now you are man of little to no words, a man who doesn’t fully express himself. I have for years struggled with this, not understanding how someone cannot free themselves of what is inside and express to their lover. I know now (I hope.) and as you always say that is who you are. You are who you are, and for you being you is who I have fallen in love with. The manly man of all manly things, being, the Goliath, the Hercules, Knight and Shining Armor, my fantasy Stable Boy, my best friend. There is nothing I want to do more for you is be that one person, that one woman you crave, yearn, need, and love more.

Through searching the millions of words to express myself, I am still trying to find the right ones to say to you. I want you to smile, think of the happiest time we have spent, keep that close, think of me as you are cold at night and I will warm you. No matter what the distance is I am close to you, I want to be in a pocket of your heart. Make you smile like a gifted person too.

I will once again, hear those heavy work boots come through the front door and watch as your hips sway from the weight of them, soon enough I will see that smirk on your face that makes me melt inside. I will have those kisses on my cheek and forehead, all over my body. I will be there with you in the cold cold nights. I will be there when you need. I love you more than words can be put together. I am your biggest fan, your loudest cheerleader, the one besides your mother who will love you the most.

And yet I am still trying to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions to tell you my love for you. But perhaps that will have to take a life time, and I want to share and spend that life time with you.

 

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