I wanted to write you a letter because I know that you are found of words like me, and being able to have something of me and from me would be meaningful.
No human being is perfect, and you did the best that you could for us. Through the fighting, the screams, the beer cans and cigarettes you have always been a wonderful father figure. My memories of you that I will keep forever are you doing the crossword puzzle every Sunday, watching cartoons, and how you loved South Park (thanks to me!) we would always battle in Jeopardy and you always won because of the knowledge you have! You always working on something such as the car or the lawnmower. Reading a book such as a Sifi. I remember you used to smoke Kool cigarettes, then when money was tight you started to roll them instead. I will never forget having my first beer was Natural Lite. Granted I am sure you and mom knew I was stealing them because she told me you went into my room and told her that I needed to clean up my room. Teenagers right? I know that you were the Army but never talked about it, and I do regret never asking you about it but I know that it was during a rough time for you and your family. You also bought me my pompom princess MaryMay Louise. My baby girl who I love and adore and so happy she got to be a part of our family.
I also enjoyed long walks in the woods which we would do as a family and bring the dogs along. Hours and hours of just silence between the trees and us walking through natures wonders. I never really knew where we ever went but it was fun. I also enjoyed long car drives in the back woods with the cooler packed full of beer, having the windows down having the dirt spin from the tires as we would listen to oldies and some nights you would quiz me on who the artist was. To this day I do that with Jason asking him who certain music artists are but he usually never plays with me because he doesn’t pay attention like I did. I am pretty sure I was the only kid in school back home who wanted to listen to WBLM than listen to pop music. Do you remember how you would also try and quiz me on big words? Or you would always tell me to look it up in the dictionary? I still carry a little pocket one with me just in case I need a word or two for a good conversation.
I love how you always wear flannel. In every color. These are my memories. I hope you know last time we spoke I really meant I love you. Though we would usually say “I hate you.” it was our inside joke and you calling me Brat. I have always been your brat. It takes a lot for a man to come into a woman’s life with two small children and to taking them and accepting them and loving them like their own. I have seen so many broken families with situations like what have had, but there wasn’t a lot of love. I know that things weren’t ever perfect between you and my mom, but that doesn’t matter to me, it never has. You have been in my life and that is how it is going to be. I became a strong independent woman and it was thanks to you as well for just being in my life. I am sorry there wasn’t a lot of words in our lives. I just want you to know that I do love you and always have. I hope you know Mark and I love you and always have and have always been thankful for you being in our lives.
I want you to know too I have been trying really hard to become someone. I grew up, I graduated college and now moved so far from home but I am coming home when Jason leaves for Antarctica for 6 months. I have some things I would love to such as go back to school to be a consular. I have always wanted to help people. I also want to start a family in the next few years, hopefully Jason and I can get married in a timely manner! I have said that 35 is my cut off for having children so adopting will be the answer if that happens. I have some mixed feelings about coming home. Mostly because I wanted to start a life here in Colorado but I think Jason misses certain things (me too) like the ocean as well as good sea food! He misses trees me too, don’t get me wrong but it is beautiful out here but it’s not like New England. We have talked about maybe Portsmouth area would be lovely to try to start a life and a family. Grampa I am sure will be pleased for me being home, I do miss him so. I do miss home New Hampshire will always be my home, my roots. Where I started but it’s also nice to branch out and try something new. Like living in another country! I am jealous and sad that Jason is leaving me for 6 months but it will be good for him and hopefully help us financially in the long run. I hope the time apart is going to be worth it. Distance does make the heart grow fonder…(and not wonder.) I hope you are also proud of me too and everything that I have done with my life. Mark too, granted what he does is slightly unorthodox but that is Mark, can’t really change that about him right? He always said I was book smart. Guess so? I am so glad we got to Skype! I am sure it was weird because it was like I was there but not really there. Oh technology at its finest!
I hope you are resting well and having some comfort and I am so thankful that you are not alone. You have never been alone through any of this.
To my Stepdad I hope you know you are very much-loved. I love you. (I hate you. :-P)
Love your Brat.