Lying awake last night, the rain was pounding down on the ground like my heart trying to escape my chest. Like I bird I feel trapped. I am trying to stop the small chest pains I feel when I think of the months ahead with out him. Its amazing how one human being can make you feel so many emotions at once. I try to make myself think of something else, anything else that does not involve this madness. I am such a selfish person in away that its sick. I cannot get the worst out of my head. I don’t know how to stop it. I want it to stop. There is so much to do if he goes, I have to pack and with my head down low go back home to a family that doesn’t understand me and my love for him. They will cut me down and be so insensitive. I have no where to go, I feel like I belong no where.
I was in and out of dreams as well. I couldn’t help but want to sleep the entire day away. It is still raining. My boyfriend gets up to go to work, I didn’t even hear the alarm go off because I am so tired from dreaming of nothing and anxiety. He kisses me goodbye and says he loves me. I fall back to sleep, and dream about camping with some old friends, odd but it was soothing because it seemed like we were going to get into some shenanigans and I was looking forward to the movie I was watching. But then I am jolted awake when my boyfriend jumps on me and awakes me up. He is giggling and kissing me. No work due to the rain. Groggy I get up and make myself get dressed. I wanted to sleep all day. I am tired. Jeans a sweater on and my hair in a messy bun I am downstairs. He is watching Rookie Blues on his computer after some investigation about winter boots he needs to find for his trip. I just wanted ONE day with out think about that frozen hell. In my mind its hell and its taking him away. But this is his own doing because he wants to go. So maybe I am being left behind in hell because I am not with him.
The instant coffee is disgusting as always and I am still feeling a little groggy. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be a part of this nightmare anymore. I have a better chance of dreaming of something else than what I am seeing awake,