Depression Coming In.

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I started crying again when my boyfriend and I got home from our outing today. He got a package in the mail from the company he got the Antarctica job, it was just luggage stuff but I started losing my shit. I sat on the couch and started crying hysterically. I had to go upstairs because I didn’t want to be around it anymore and I needed to calm down. I needed to breath and think this through. Each day is another day closer to his departure and for me to head back to our home state. I cannot believe that this is happening to me. I am still upset he didn’t sit me down and fucking talk to me about the whole ordeal. I am angry and frustrated. We moved out here to start over and be happy but since this fucking trip of his has made me very depressed. I cannot sleep at a more and I hate this. I fucking FUCKING hate this. I am alone and now I have to go home. I have to travel on an airplane alone I am going to die. I will have an anxiety attack. I am going to get kidnapped. My family is going to run their mouths make me feel more like a piece of shit. I cannot live with my mom again I refuse. I cannot live with my grandfather. I have no where to go. My bestfriend wants me to move in with her but she is a party girl and I can’t allow that to happen. She has already told me that we should just break up and end it so I can do whatever I want. No. I can’t do that. I love him.

I am upset. We were having such a lovely day. We had a lovely lunch at Olive Garden, laughing and giggling and talking about stupid shit. I enjoyed it. I was happy. Till we came back here. I am now depressed and I still want to cry. I don’t know why. I just want to sleep for ever. But even then I cannot sleep. I hate this.

I feel so very lost, and confused. I know some people would tell me that I am being really stupid. No these are my thoughts and feelings. I get it that some women ( and men) their better half is fighting overseas. My boyfriend is not fighting a war. He chose a job because he wanted to this, and didn’t really think about me though he assumed I was going to jump up and down for fucking joy about the whole ordeal leaving for 6 months.  NOT. If we talked about it….it would be different. I have to remember he does what he wants when he wants too how he wants.

I need a god damned stiff drink here. But I am not allowed to drink I guess. AWESOME. Can’t sleep with out a drink now. No sleep.

And I want to read but I will be distracted but I just….I need help. I need someone….to understand me and listen. My words are the only thing that I have at the moment. I wish I could have botched this trip so I could keep him to myself. I know my boyfriend enough to know that he is going to get board and chat to girls online lie say he is single just out of boredom. He does things like this because he can….if only he knew what I was capable of too. I am no angel either so what can I say? We all have secrets and we all have skeletons…I am just a lot better at hiding the key.

I keep telling myself that I am going to keep myself busy while he is away, really work and focus on my writing, perhaps get back into school, get back to the gym, maybe get a dog. Its just things I want to d and these are all great healthy and happy things. But I know that deep down an undersneath it all I am going to be a wreck, be very VERY angry for a long time. Crying all the time. I know me enough to know this is what is going to happen. I know back home I will not have a good support system, all but my boyfriends mom and that is going to be it. But I can’t be with her all the time because well she has a life too. I have no friends really….I mean its crazy. I am crazy. I am just….sad and I am going to be lonely.

I am losing grip here. Losing….it.

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