To The Body I will Never Love;

TO the body I will never love;

I am sorry. I am sorry I have abused you every single day for the last 6 years of my adulthood. I am sorry that I never felt accepted or wanted because of my size. I am sorry dear body that all you were doing was making sure I was still breathing, pumping blood from my heart and helping me move my bones. I am sorry that I mentally told you I was done living on more than one occasion. I am sorry for all the drugs I have tried to kill what I thought was pain inside. Dear body I am sorry that I ate so much and then didn’t. Dear skin I am sorry that you have stretch marks from being overweight to being too skinny to putting on weight again. I am sorry for the fact that I lost so much so fast now I look like failed weightless survivor off of the Biggest Loser. Well because I am the biggest loser. For hurting you dear body.

I am sorry I can’t love you as I should. I am sorry that I have a sickness in my head that I hate myself and you dear body. I see these images of beautiful women of all sizes and I cannot be happy with what I have. I have made drastic changes that have hurt my insides I have ruined you. That isn’t fair. You know for a long time dear body that I was trying to kill myself because of the nasty thoughts that I was thinking and feeling. I shouldn’t have to think that way all because I thought that I didn’t fit into the world of beauty. I am beautiful. It shouldn’t matter size jeans I am in, it shouldn’t matter what the fucking scale says. I am beautiful. I woke up and I am breathing. That is beautiful.

I am sorry dear body that I feel out of place with you all the time. That I feel you shouldn’t be touched by anyone but me. I am sorry dear body that my boyfriend loves me but I have it in my head that he will always love someone else bigger and prettier than me. That is what is inside my head that I clearly need help with understanding that I am wrong. OR am I? I am sorry that I am scared of ever getting married because I feel I will never look good in a wedding dress or that I am afraid scared to have a child because I am afraid to get morbidly obese. It is a gift to have children and to marry the love of your life. I am sorry I am afraid of all these things because I hate you.

I am sorry dear body. I wish I could one day love you and myself for what I really am.