Depression you have won today.

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I have woken up today feeling quite defeated. And I don’t know why either. I had a wonderful job interview today that it seems like it went well. Now at the house I feel like a zombie, and tired and just wanting to sleep the day away and not think about well…life at all.

Depression is a nasty illness that a majority of people who you meet have. (suffer, hate, bathe in that darkness.) People take all sorts of medications. I have been battling this mental illness since I was 15 when I was diagnosed with chronic depression.Or Dysthymia,  is also referred to as mild, chronic depression, is less severe and has fewer symptoms than major depression. With dysthymia, the depression symptoms can linger for a long period of time, often two years or longer. Those who suffer from dysthymia can also experience periods of major depression–. I was on medication it just made my thoughts about life worse. Stopped, waited a few more years after some life changing alterations, tried again. Nope this time I was diagnosed with Major chronic depression At 23 then, I didn’t like it.  Can I say this is true? No.   Now at 25 I know the difference of what was going on in my life. It just got worse. It is interesting to know that depression is also based on genetics. My biological father suffered from Major Chronic Depression. Thanks Pops, but I am not really mad at you. I am mad at myself for allowing these thoughts to take over me.

I know I should see a doctor but I don’t. It’s not that I am afraid of them, I know what they will say, I know that I have options. I don’t care if they think I am crazy. We are all a little crazy. I am also a person underneath the sadness a driven person to work it out on my own. I want to break free, I want to not feel this heaviness on my shoulders anymore. Its like I am walking through fog my arms are stretched out, I can see a street light and I am just trying to make my way through this. Sometimes the fog is really thick and heavy and I cannot breathe but I manage to get my head above it for a time and keep on moving towards the light.

I know that maybe someday I should really see someone to help me get through the fog but I want to make it on my own without medication even though it is really a chemical imbalance I have I just want it to work itself out you know? I want to not wake up with dread and inner sadness, being tired all the time, faking smiles and saying “I am fine” when everyone by now knows it’s just a cover up for “fuck I hate my life and everything in it right now.” It’s for no reason. We have the power to make ourselves happy. I know what I need to do to make changes. I have the love and support I need, and that is a good think to actually KNOW and feel confident about it. But sometimes we get scared and don’t. I will have a moment.

Today depression has taken over, and I am tired, and I just want to grab a blanket and sleep for a little while. It is ok to feel low at times. It happens and sometimes it happens often. Some people are braver than I am to get help. Today I am not that brave. Today I am allowing my thoughts to consume me. Today is a dark day. Even when its beautiful out.

 

 

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