More Valentine’s Woes.

After having my small mini melt down earlier today I had to take a step back and breath.

I had to remember that 8 years ago today. I tried to commit suicide. I know not such a lovely memory is it ? Well its is a part of my past and it happened. I have the scar on my wrist to prove my ignorance. Over. Love.

I was 19. Depressed. Drunk. Lonely. My ex boyfriend was sending me nasty text messages that he never loved me and all that mean stuff one says.  I thought then that was it for me. I remember it through my drunken haze. The blood dripping cold of my finger tips hitting the floor of my living room. The awful scream my mother made when she found me. We have never talked about it. What is there to talk about? I cleaned up my mess and as usual apologized for my actions. Moved on.

I have moved on from my ex believe me. We are friends, civil and I wish him the best. What I haven’t moved on from, is that my ignorance and pain still haunts me. it will always haunt me because I bare the scars.

Now with my current boyfriend he doesn’t like this holiday period and thinks its stupid and hates it so much that he in away hates buying anything because its money to the businesses. I understand. I don’t ask for much. Do I like gifts? Yes. Of course who doesn’t? But I agree with him that I don’t need a fucking holiday to have him show me he loves me.

It is insane that things are the way that they are for  me. I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But here I am. And here I am living. That is something I should be more proud of actually. I was trying to end my life today 8 years ago. But here I am. Back in the house I tried. Trying to woo my boyfriend to hopefully put a ring my finger and make me his wife.

Its just the things I think of late at night when I have work in the morning and been drinking. Isn’t funny?

 

Jealousy and Loneliness

So it is Valentine’s Day. Another year alone with out my boyfriend. I was doing all right. We talked last night for 4 hours, exchanged some photos that I just melted when I saw him. He laughed and asked deep questions that it seemed like we wouldn’t have asked each other over a year ago. It does seem that absence does make the heart grow fonder. Granted not everyone agrees with me that its ok for him to up and leave but who am I to stop him? I have been down this road with him before and we did our fighting and screaming. I have grown so much since his first trip to McMurdo Station and I have matured enough to breath. I can breath with out him here. I think that we have actually grown. Well to an extent. We have a lot to figure out.

 

Now that its 2016 and in September it will mark that we have been together for 8 years. Yes.8 years. Today I was being a Facebook stalker not doing my Anatomy quiz as I was sipping my coffee, Silence of the Lambs playing in the background in honor of its 25th debut anniversary I came across his ex-gf’s page. She got engaged. She got engaged to a man that she has been dating less than a year. My heart started racing as I started going through her public pictures of her engagement. Lovely. Stunning. Outdoors. So loving and tender I got angry. Why? They only dated 2 years. And that was so long ago. I have moved on from this. I set my coffee down and sat back. Looking down at my own hands I have two beautiful rings from him and a stunning necklace that he has gotten me. One ring for our 3rd year anniversary the other a smokey quartz for Christmas/Birthday when we lived in Colorado. None of these engagement rings. Just….a gift.

Maybe its because  I am a girl and growing up that is what you do, fall in love, you get married have a house raise children. I am 27 years old he will be 28 this wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted us to have been married a few years ago and and maybe had a baby on the way NOW. But. That was then. I am more than willing to wait on the children part. I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life and no one else. I am drawn to him and need him in my life forever. He is my best friend. My pain the ass. He makes me angry and cry and I scream. He makes me happy and loved and comforted and safe. We have a different type of relationship that seems to work for US an that is all that matters. Yes there are things we both have to work on and that is fine. I am willing to accept the changes and needs too as well.

Now that its time for him to embark home again I am gearing up for maybe a chance he will finally want to make the commitment…well…. Forever. If he already told me that he doesn’t want anyone else then lets make it legal. For several reasons. ONE. If something were to happen while he was down there he put his Father down. He knows and I know, that his father isn’t going to do shit. TWO. IF there was an emergency I have my passport to fly to him even in NZ. His father doesn’t. THREE. If I am the wife, I can be on his insurance as well as be up to date with things. Like stated before emergencies. FOUR. I can finally say HUSBAND and it sounds more stable than boyfriend if he is down there that it proves to people that we are committed to one another. And its also been long enough. I am not going to be 40  and then get married. He just thinks that its just a stupid piece of paper well yes and no but also its the fact that at the end of the day, I am your partner for life, and legally I have my spousal rights. I have him. He has me. We have each other.

I don’t know if I am utterly losing it or am I over thinking this or am I just a completely jealous girl friend? I don’t now anymore. He just needs to come home and I know him, he will leave for Antarctica again. If he does I want him to either leave with a ring on his finger or mine.

My luck with him its not going to happen.

 

Negligence, Pain, Love, Hate, School.

I know that it has been a long time since I have written anything. Since I have been home I haven’t really had time too blog, or wanted too–there has just been so much that I have been dealing with and I just am tired. So mentally tired from all the stress, pain and hurt. 

Since my stepfathers funeral I thought things were going on the right track, I was trying to stay focused on school, talking to my boyfriend when he could call or get online. I thought that I had my friends back…but no. None of it. NONE OF IT. 

 I have started to slowly sink back in to my old ways again, drinking heavily just to try and sleep, but I don’t sleep even through the pain and droopy eyelids of intoxication I cannot sleep. I have nightmares…nightmares of seeing my stepfather, and what  I just learned that my boyfriend slept with our friend 4 years ago, during a time where we broke up for like a week. I haven’t eaten well, nor taken care of myself. I am trying to numb the pain just to do school work but there even I have lost complete interest in the whole thing. I know its wrong but now i am starting to panic because I can’t drop out now, and I don’t want to have bad grades. 

My so called friends here don’t have time to hang out with me anymore and the last time we spoke they were looking for something, and it was rude. So fucking rude to ask me about that–but couldn’t hang out. I have disassociated myself from them and some others. I also have been sick learning about the events that transpired a few years ago. I really thought that girl was my friend. She said it happened it and was a mistake but she had the fucking audacity to tell me that she had confessed her love to him, but he didn’t say anything back. I hated their friendship for years anyways. I had a gut feeling that something was amiss and I was right. I usually am and I hate that about myself. My boyfriend has explained himself that it was a one time thing, it was over, we were both in  a bad place during one of our dark periods in the relationship that was still essentially fresh for us. I get it. I have done things too but to lie to me all these yeas. He has told me several times now that he wants to marry me, and he wants to meet me in New Zeland were we can visit for 3 weeks when he is done with PEA. He wants to make everything right, he told me, and that he wishes he could have taken it back but of course he can’t. He wants to make me happy. He told the girl that they cannot be friends anymore, because she basically threatened me saying that no matter what she will always be in his life, and that made me unhappy. So he unfriened her on Facebook and told her to that it was time they went their own separate ways and to leave me alone. He said he doesn’t want her to come in-between us. He has changed his attitude since being down in the cold if you will. Usually he would have told me to get over it, and it happened but they are going to be friends. He has said he realized how important I am to him since being there, and that I am the one for him and he cannot say sorry enough for treating me so poorly for years because  I am such an amazing woman. He said he wants to make things right, and be happy and healthy and this is it. I haven’t unfriened her on facebook because she wanted to talk tomorrow, guess she messaged him asking him if he was mad and he just told her that there was no reason to be friends. Mind you this woman was telling me she was an adult now and she didn’t need to explain herself to me, or their friendship. But after a little while the truth came pouring out of her fucking whorish mouth. I hope karma takes place in her life and makes her realize you don’t treat people this way. I knew she was a lying whore and she will always be that way. It is even worse because she has a baby with my boyfriends stepbrother….has she screwed the rest of the brothers? Why not? make it a family affair. I told my boyfriend that I am not allowing her to come in to our lives like this again. She has ruined so much for me. Everything over the past several years now finally makes sense. Her dressing up showing off her tits for him when we would come over for game night, or how she would have to rush in to the bathroom to fix her makeup to be noticed, or how she would just hangout longer than needed when she would come over to study. He told me he isn’t in love with her and never has been, and its always been me. She told me that she confessed her love and she wanted to be with him but he shot her down because he said he is in love with me (this is during idk what breakup) and he couldn’t do that. She told me that she was jealous of my pure devotion to him and only him and she cannot do that with her daughters father. I feel bad for him and I so badly want to tell him all of this. But that would really cause a stir and it will be all my fault and then my boyfriend’s father’s wife would have more fuel to hate me for. But I wasn’t the one who slepted around. I am the one that was lied too and got hurt. 

But for once he is taking my feelings and thoughts into consideration. He said he wants to give me everything that I deserve, such as a ring, the wedding of my dreams, a house, to travel and dog anything he said….anything you want. I want you, and I want to make you happy. 

Wow writing this all down has made my headache go away….that is interesting. I did poorly on one of my quizzes because I have been so worked up, not sleeping, not taking care of myself. Basically just fucking off. I hate how I am always the last person to know everything but I am always the one who pokes the hardest. ….and as the days go by I am really trying to wonder if through all the tears and the lies and heartache….is it really worth it? Is it really worth it for me to wait for him to come back or for me to see him in NZ? Can I trust him? Am I that broken? Am I that fucking damaged now by love that its not worth it anymore. 

 

ALSO my Grandfather has been having good days and bad days with his highblood pressure. Silly old man was eating NOTHING but foods that contained more salt that anything I have consumed in years. Good lord. He is on medication, he is stubborn but I bought good foods for him and he is happy he really likes the Orange Gatorade I wanted him to have it to help with dehydration. He at the doctors now with mom they are taking more blood tests and an x-ray because he is still complaining about headaches. I really can’t lost this man now, not now….not ever really….but…Its not his time. It is not his time for a while and I want him to walk me down the isle at my wedding.  

I am so very tired but I have so much school work, reading I have to write an essay this week, I have to do quizzes. Grampa has to have another medication the doctors think that he has arthritis in his neck that is what is causing the headaches. I suggested getting one of those heating things you throw in the microwave but mom thinks it will be too hot for him so she has an extra heating pad that he can use to lay down on. I guess that could work too so he can sleep better at night. I am just worried.

 

I really should sleep at night but all I want to do is stay up and talk to my love….through all the pain he is the only one I want in this life. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for years and years now…how much more can I take before its too late? 

AIrpot Blunders

I have to say that this morning came way too fast for my liking. I woke up from an odd dream of a two crippled men in wheelchairs who were friends one killed the other by stomping on him with his wheel chair. I don’t know what that means but  I am intrigued.

 Yesterday was slightly bitter sweet. We got everything done, laughed, argued, I cried, and then we spent the entire afternoon watching Rugby. It has become our new favorite sport and it was fun, rather hot out. I tried keeping an open mind to everything. Granted I just wanted him all to myself which I did. We went to dinner, where he told me that he was going to miss me more than anything, and he loves me more than anyone and will call me as often as he can , when he can. Then he bought me this BEAUTIFUL ring. Its not an engagement ring but I am wearing it on my ring finger to tell those who are interested NOT to mettle.

Last night of love making was sensual, where he held my face and told me that he loved me and that I am the best girlfriend in the entire world, how much I loved him, how beautiful I am and how I love him no matter what. Sleep was off and on, from the dream, as well as then waking up at 2 am and then just waking up at 3:30 just watching him sleep. It was slightly creepy I am sure but love makes you do strange things. But it not creepy. Its normal love right?

At the airport I started to cry and he seemed like he had tears in his eyes or just really tired. I am going with the latter because I don’t know what is true.

At the airport I fucking started to panic because my barcode kept saying invalid. WTF. I started to sweat a little bit to only look up and realize I was in the wrong area. FUCK ok got that done. Then going through TSA I was yelled at because I forgot to take my phone out of my pocket and I had my sunglasses on my head. UGH. But I finally made it. I did this all by myself. YAY.

Got coffee in my travel mug, just about to board to PHL and I hope that my back pack fits in the over head. I am fucking stuck in the middle but It cant be that bad. I am going to get into line now. Wish me luck

In a glass case of emotion

Just as the title says. I am in a glass case of emotion, to which I cry and screaming on the inside fighting back the tears when on the outside I am bubbly and smiling.

I feel as though today more than ever that my boyfriend is detaching himself from me, I feel empty so fucking empty. He still hasn’t done or said anything to me in a kind loving manner. If he doesn’t say anything to me tonight or before I board my plane tomorrow its not going to end well.

We still have to go and get some last minute items because god for bid there are just so much one human being can really take.

I a try and drink my coffee but it is turning  in my stomach and I feel ill. I feel ill with the loss of my best friend over a job of a life time. And no one, NO ONE has bothered to ask me how I feel. Because like said it isn’t about me. I am just the girl friend. Nothing more, perhaps something less.

I just needed to get my anger out. Once I am back home I will be going through a lot of anger stages and hating everything and everyone in may path. I have school starting and I need to finish my financial aid as well, god damn I cannot be that person to sign that document that I will be owing the 21,000 dollars. FUCK ME….but…but…I have too and  know this. I have to do it and I don’t want to I just …..so frustrated beyond belief

and I am starting to panic that my stuff isn’t going to make it to my moms house….god I hate everything.  My make up looks fantastic I am dolled up for my boyfriend who I hasn’t even noticed. I am getting all worked up over what he would consider nothing. But like I said my feelings and emotions are null and void …because his are the only ones that matter and if I were to open my mouth I am the bad guy.

I have to go.

It’s the final count down!

So as the days and hours are dwindling down to when I go back to the homestead, today has been a somber day. Personal reflection and depression as slowly started to creep in to me, devouring every light that is left inside of me. The actuality that I am not going to see my boyfriend for 6 months has gotten in a stage of feeling blank. I was doing his laundry as he decided to work every day up until his departure which I personally felt that it was selfish not to spend an entire day wit me. I just wanted a little US time before he left. And I mean by that doing something fun, laughing and feeling the love that we share between us. But no…he said “I need the money.” The man is going to be freaking loaded OK? But he is a grown man and he makes his own big kid decisions. And sometimes I am not in the decision process, not even a thought, not even a gesture.

With all of these sad and depressing thoughts have entered my brain I was plugging away as well today at my college work. I am not officially an SNHU student I got my books ordered for the term, I am only taking ONE class just to get back into the swing of things. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and I thought….this is my time. When I get home, to fully let everything go really do some soul searching. And if my boyfriend wants that still with me, we can grow again. This is going to either make or brake us. I am 25 years old and I have given him everything of me. But I have realized that I always did what he wanted to do. It was a one way street. That is not how a relationship works. So I realized this relationship for certain periods of time were very unhealthy. I am in love with him more than words could describe, I want to be his wife some day. This time apart will I hope for his end make him want me more. Or perhaps he wont want me anymore. And if that time comes….breathing, tears down my face it will be something I will either live with or against.  Love is grand and he is my world. My best friend, my lover, my koala bear, my love love. HIs arms always wrapping around me holding me, tickling me, poking me, horsing around. What have you. I told him last night as we were lying in bed that I just wanted something from him before or on Sunday morning before my flight, at least words of pure loving coming from him and not “ya I love you.” to me that is not enough. Humans throw the I LOVE YOUS out to anything and anyone like its another tissue, and I am not going to be the snotty one that gets thrown away that easily. He said he would find something to express himself because he isn’t a very emotional man but this is something that I down right deserve.

I have been packing and unpacking my bags, trying to get everything all set and ready to go. I am so excited to start school and start learning new things, I am nervous and excited to start working again with my sister in-law. I am about to burst to hug my Grampa I am in stoked to surprise him!

I know that I have wonderful friends back home who are willing to take care of me they have already told me so, I also have some friends I am going to reconnect with some old friends. And I am excited about it. Slightly nervous about reconnecting with one but I have a good head on my shoulders and I think I can take care of things on my own. I have to learn how to take care of things on my own now. I have a lot to learn.

My boyfriend should be home soon and we have a lot to do tonight. I hope he does something lovely for me but I am not going to be holding my breath because I don’t want to be stabbed again, considering I am already bleeding enough as it is.

You can only learn so much and live.

 

Packing Complete, 6 years of missing you, pain, and new begginings

I have officially finished up packing my belongings today. It cost me quite a bit and I am upset. I am not upset about the price because I knew it was going to be quite pricey but I am upset with my boyfriend who didn’t even make an effort to want to help me send my things home. Considering he is the reason that I am going back home in the first place it upsets me. I looked at him as we walked out of the UPS store and said “see how much your adventure just cost me to send my shit home?” He rolled his eyes and then proceeded to remind me that he spent “over a grand in gas to drive out here.” ….umm yeah with the intention of not moving back home to which the winter months and the things I have spent on him has over calculated the gas money by a lot.  So I am feeling a little upset/anger towards him. He gets to go to LA, and Australia and New Zeeland places I want to travel so much. I mean he is spending fun time in those places its just those are plane stops before he gets to Antarctica. I am upset that he doesn’t seem to care or it doesn’t seem to bother him the amount of not only heartache but stress he has bestowed upon me on his departure for 6 months. I will go home, and go through the stages of grieving like I have lost my lover  I also feel as though he will never return to me again. Yet he will in due to time….but I really have to dig deep into myself as well on what I want, things everything. I feel like I am a butterfly about to crawl into an emotional cocoon to wait 6 months and evolve into something greater than a butterfly. it will either make or break me. I have to wait…because you can only learn so much and live.

 

Also today has been a somber day in itself for me. Its been 6 years since the passing of my best friend, my mother figure, my Grandmother to cervical cancer. It still burns my soul to this day, seeing her lying there in that hospital, tubes unable to speak and yet her eyes were still so blue, tears knowing she wasn’t able to come home again. I just remember holding her hand as she tried to write asking about her shoes, and then telling me that there was money under the bed that she was saving, saving for me. No one knew, not even Grampa knew about the money. I asked her what was the money for. I remember her shrugging and shaking her head since she couldn’t speak. I asked her “for whatever?” She nodded. When we all made it home, a day or two came and went after her passing, I remember being alone in the house, with my thoughts, my heart feeling empty and alone, scared and lost. I walked into my Grandparents bedroom, and started to lift the covers up to look under the bed. I saw her shoes, I grabbed them removing them slowly, carefully as if they were to crumble in my hands. There, was an old safe box that my Grampa has to collect his coins. I grabbed it feeling its weight and sat it on my lap. I took a deep breath as tears were flowing and opened it. There was an envelope with money like she had written down. “Not even Grampa knows?” I could hear my own voice asking her that day. I held the money close to my chest. There was so many options I could do this money. There was a little over 200 dollars she saved, I wanted so badly to go do stupid things with that money. But I didn’t. I waited till the family got home and handed the money over to my Grandfather because he needed the money more than me. It would have made my Gram proud anyways. And I knew she was. I can still hear your laughter in my head and it fills my chest with love. I can still hear her yelling at my Brother and I for being stupid and fighting. I can still hear her say “you will publish something someday all you do is write.” She has always been my biggest supporter with my writing. I read her everything, she sat and listened, she loved when I would sing Charlotte Church, not so much my hard rock bands, but she said it was what my mom did. She loved that I could read and play music. She pushed me on my college work. When she passed I took a year off. And yet….I met my boyfriend a month to the day she passed away on our first date. I always thought and have believe she gave him to me for something, a reason, grated we aren’t perfect but….she would have loved him. They are both quiet people but yet I think there is this silent communication between quiet people that they just KNOW. Where ever my Gram is I hope she is proud of me and saying everything is going to be ok. I miss her smile, her laugh, her corn chowder, her silent love. Her hug would make all my pain melt right now. (along with my dad too) But I get to surprise my Grampa and she would like that.

 

Also today I have reconnected with a very….VERY old friend. It is quite complicated and I am slightly nervous about seeing this person, and yet not at the same time. That is for another blog write up in itself.

 

Dear Lover

I try to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions.

When I see you my chest tightens and my mouth instantly turns into a smile, and sometimes I feel like I am losing my senses. How to walk, talk, think, perhaps not being to cognitively put an actually sentence together when I try to speak—to you.

I am in love with how you smirk at me when you come home from work, and when you walk through the door in those dusty work boots and how your hips sway from the weight of them. I love how your hands know a hard days work and yet know a goods night love making.

I love how your lips are so soft, softer than mine on my skin and soul, how you touch every single part of me. Your smile fills me up like your laughter does and my heart wants to burst with love.

And I am still trying to collaborate words to tell you my love for you. I can show you more than words by having you in my arms and being together lying naked in bed in any kind of weather.

I love when you kiss me and I can feel on my cheek you are smiling, or when you simply laugh at my silliness. I love your quiet I love yous, to your verbal ones. I love your knowledge of all boyish manly things against my nerdy bookish nature. I know through it all I am the one you truly love. No matter what mountains we climb, oceans we cross. The love is there.

I love how pasta is your favorite meal to my meatloaf or me just paying for dinner. I love you when words run short or my mouth goes dry and I cannot shout or speak (for once right?) And yet I feel like I am stumbling for the right words for you. Because I want them to be perfect for you like you are for me. You have the most beautiful brown eyes, and such amazing thick hair that I love to run my fingers through. Your body itself is a master piece crafted from a hard manual labor. I love caressing your strong arms and down your muscular back all the way to your perfect plump hiney that I have an unusually unhealthy obsession with. I crave to touch you from your head down to your thick manly thighs. I see you and I become weak, I tremble before you. You are my Kryptonite. My knight and shining armor, my Koala Bear my love love my ink to my pen to which my love can flow from. My everything and more.

But deep down I should know by now that “I love you” should be enough. But its not—not for me. I will keep searching through very empty ice cream containers we share, through my tears of laughter, and sometimes sadness, through the rough times for me to be able to collaborate the right words for you. Being in love with you has brought me the most greatest gift.

There are so many reasons why I am in love with you, and here again I am trying to find the right words to tell you. You came into my life at a time where I thought there was no such thing as love anymore. We were essentially kids and we have grown up together, basically, learning the ins and outs as kids, to adults on what love is. We have been through so much, put each other through so much. And as I try to collaborate the right simplistic words to say to you on my love for you, I am stumbling. From every single adventure we have embarked together, long car rids, giggling, sitting silently in the dark watching tv shows and movies, my love is an aurora around you. Your strength, your smarts, you are so intelligent and so talented. You are the most hardworking man I have ever meet, someone who always has a plan, a doer not a follower, you are a leader. You want something you get it, do it show it. But are so quiet about the whole ordeal. You are like fog against the mountains still hauntingly beautiful to look at but consuming. I am consumed by you. Underneath your quiet exterior I have seen you at your greatest and I have seen you at your weakest. I have brought strength and weakness to you, as you have done for me.

I love you with so much muchness that sometimes I feel that I don’t have much muchness to give, or I give to much and I am squeezing you like a little child holding a puppy for too long. You are going on an adventure of a life time, and this time I cannot follow suit. The real test of love is holding on and I will be holding on for you like I am on a war ship crashing into waves in the Bering Sea, longing to reach you on an island to which I will attack you like a pirate grabbing on to your booty. No matter how far you will be you will always be right there in a pocket of my heart. I want you to never let me go never stop thinking of me, or stop loving me. Because when you return back into my arms I am safe, I am comforted, I am loved. By you. I need you.

And still as I try to find the right simplistic words to say to you about my love for you, so many memories come flooding in. So many small details of our lives I have kept in the vault of my memory. I find myself often thinking of these memories and smiling alone, looking like an idiot if for anyone to have seen me may think of me a fool, or even disturbed. I would rather call it gifted because I have been gifted with love. And as I write this the tears flows because I have so much emotion, so much of myself that I have given to you, and I want you to have. I now you are man of little to no words, a man who doesn’t fully express himself. I have for years struggled with this, not understanding how someone cannot free themselves of what is inside and express to their lover. I know now (I hope.) and as you always say that is who you are. You are who you are, and for you being you is who I have fallen in love with. The manly man of all manly things, being, the Goliath, the Hercules, Knight and Shining Armor, my fantasy Stable Boy, my best friend. There is nothing I want to do more for you is be that one person, that one woman you crave, yearn, need, and love more.

Through searching the millions of words to express myself, I am still trying to find the right ones to say to you. I want you to smile, think of the happiest time we have spent, keep that close, think of me as you are cold at night and I will warm you. No matter what the distance is I am close to you, I want to be in a pocket of your heart. Make you smile like a gifted person too.

I will once again, hear those heavy work boots come through the front door and watch as your hips sway from the weight of them, soon enough I will see that smirk on your face that makes me melt inside. I will have those kisses on my cheek and forehead, all over my body. I will be there with you in the cold cold nights. I will be there when you need. I love you more than words can be put together. I am your biggest fan, your loudest cheerleader, the one besides your mother who will love you the most.

And yet I am still trying to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions to tell you my love for you. But perhaps that will have to take a life time, and I want to share and spend that life time with you.