For some reason all day I thought that today was July 13, why I am not quite sure but it has just stuck with me good thing I didn’t write any checks or someone asking me what the date was because I would have been wrong all together.
Today is Monday (I know this) the early Morning came too fast for me as my boyfriend kissed me goodbye as he was leaving for work, I remember falling back into a restless slumber to only awaken to my bladder violently screaming at me. I bolted up and grabbed some cloths to throw on real quick. When a noise caught me off guard. I could hear someone in the bathroom that my boyfriend and I use. I go in and there is the Aunt going at the toilet with a plunger. “Nope don’t use this toilet.” she said. “WHY?!” I said for I was crossing my legs. “Its clogged I don’t know what is wrong with this damned thing.” I roll my eyes and turn around to go downstairs to use that one. I got half way down the lower level when I see my boyfriend sitting in the chair, using his computer. “Hey baby!” I shouted and ran up to him “What are you doing here?” He started to giggle he has such a cute man giggle. (that is possible believe me I know.) He said “Got sent home.” my mind is now starting to panic thinking that he quite or he said something, but he is a man of little words so that wouldn’t be possible. So I give him this look like wtf and said it was because of the rain last night it was too muddy to work on the project. I was happy he was home in a way I guess I acted like a little child I still get butterflies when I see him. Yes almost 6 years together the man makes me gitty still that is one of the things I consider love. Then it hit me. I had to pee. So I kissed him on the cheek and ran to the bathroom and peed. After that I came back out and said I should go put a bra on. He laughed and I went back upstairs. I looked at the aunt and said What a surprise downstairs! She laughed. I changed and came back to make my morning coffee. I wasn’t really feeling well either. But something was bothering me. It was the way my boyfriend was so quiet and I could see the look in his face. He was not pleased. I knew exactly what it was. He has been upset lately because working construction has burnt him out. He is done. He is beyond sick of doing it. The pay may be good but he isn’t the guy. He has been thinking about the military again and feels out of it because he has to drop the weight. I told him that I will help and support him no matter what he decides to do. (and if so there needs to be a ring on my left hand.)
So I let him be as he was applying to different places, I asked him about his cop things and he said he was looking. I have learned over the years now when he is upset like this just let him do his own thing. I know that in the past when he gets like this we tend to but heads and we each do stupid things that hurt one another. (Makes no sense I know believe me my life.) He took a break to help the aunt use the neighbors shop-vac to unclog the toilet. Come to find out it was a chicken bone. WEIRD. After that was over my boyfriend looked at me and said “did you do that?” What what WHAT?? I shook my head and said “No why would I do something that stupid?” he shrugs and said “Because of the stuff you do.” I could taste my coffee turning sour in my stomach and the sides of my jaw clenching up at this. He walked past me, leaving his scent of old-spice spray behind. I held myself pretty well. I am not sure if he really fully understood what he said, and in the tone of how he said it. When he is in bad mood his whole tone changes, his voice, the way that he speaks and its always towards me. I didn’t want to start a fight especially over my emotions because according to him I over react. I made another instant coffee held my tears back. I kept saying in my head “let the words go, let the words go.” deep breaths. I grabbed my Kindle and just started talking to a friend on Facebook who made me feel better. In away I understand the words said to me, because of my eating disorder but to assume I would be that ignorant to place a bone down the toilet is insane. I know bones can clog a toilet. Words can hurt. I then started to feel depressed, sadden, and all that normal things that tends to happen when I feel down. After an hour or so I laid down on the couch, feeling very VERY defeated, started to fall asleep. When the boyfriend asked me what I wanted for lunch. I said nothing because I wasn’t hungry. He laid down next to me and cuddled and asked why I was upset and being a lounge lizard. I shrugged. I was not about to mention it. After about 10 minutes of silence my boyfriend goes. “I am sorry if what I said seemed offensive, I didn’t mean it like that or saying it I guess. You are doing so well and I am proud of you I am sorry. Do you want to get Sushi for lunch?” WINNER. He for once THOUGHT about it! I am proud of HIM for realizing he did make me upset. So I got Sushi for lunch :)
Later we went to Wal-Mart and I cashed my checks from my old job (Bonus Checks I guess? SCORE) and I bought not afraid to admit it either I needed shorts. And a summer dress. I tried looking for new bra’s as well but that didn’t happen. I felt a little bad for myself because I just wanted my boobs to be perky and bigger. Also trying on Wal-Mart clothing is tedious for me. Size 4 is too big and a size 3 juniors are a little snug but fit. Messed up much? I 12 year old girl was looking at me funny as I was shopping in the juniors section. I just tilted my head and said excuse me as I was trying to grab a pair of shorts behind her. I didn’t get them anyways but such is life. As I was in and out of the fitting room I started to think about last summer when I was 117 pounds and dying and how my bones were sticking out everywhere and how my legs looked so frail in jean shorts. Now I am a little toned, I have hips and a tummy. I looked long and hard at myself. I did for a while wanted to be that skinny again, have all those whispers said, all the jealous looks from girls. But you know something? I still do in a way. I look healthy and that should be what girls should be jealous about. HEALTHY BODIES. It is slowly making sense to me. Granted everyday seems like a challenge and a personal goal to not self harm. It sucks. I walked out with 3 size 4 shorts (one actually a squirt my boyfriend picked it out and it was cute!) and one new summer dress size Medium and for once I am so proud of myself for my purchase. Not the lady at the check out she was bitching she was trying to close up and she just wanted to help me go but she kept repeating she wanted to leave it was time for her to leave. I almost said something but since my boyfriend was with me I didn’t. I can be quite a verbal bitch when something like this happens. and one of the shorts I bought didn’t have a tag and that was just THE WORST THING EVER. Come on, I didn’t bitch when I had to wait 15 minutes at the service desk because only 2 people were there. Why at Wal-Mart there are a billion registers but like 4 lanes open? boggles my mind.
I drove to Wal-Mart and back home. I get nervous I am still not used to the roads here but I didn’t get killed or kill anyone.
So all and all does size matter? I am learning no. What matters is sizing up meaning be who you want to be. Fill yourself up with greatness and everyone will see beauty in every in and every pound. I am me and that is never going to change.