Grumpy, Family Fude and Studying.

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Oh my god  I have had such a week so far just being back. The night I flew in my sister in-law’s mother had passed away. I have been verbally cut at the knees by my brother more than once, I have been told that I am a horrible person and I am living in my own head, nothing thinking, and I don’t care about anyone else but myself. GO. Figure. I hate the thought that perhaps someday I will be a lot more successful than my brother. I  have for years allowed him to cut down and make me feel like a complete piece of shit. I am now being home am not allowed to feel depressed about my boyfriend going away for 6 months. My brother had to remind me as he picked me up from the air port that I had done this to myself and I am not going to compline about it. Ok. I got it. I am sorry I decided to be the only one to pack up my shit and trying something new for once. I didn’t know that it was a crime to do so.

Its like I don’t do what they want me to do, or if I don’t think the way that they think, I am in the wrong at every level. If I don’t condone their actions I am just a piece of shit.

On a different note my boyfriend had made it safely to New Zealand and has been doing orientation. I had to go to bed last night I was just so exhausted and over worked I needed to sleep so I sent him a nice facebook message and told him that I loved him and miss him. Not only that but I had to get up early with my mom so I could get to the library to start doing school work. All of my personal belongings showed up yesterday and my school book and I am more than eager to finish.

Crap I need to bite the bullet and just do the student loan stuff. I just want to be there for my sister in law but I don’t think that is going to happen because I am known as the conceded piece of shit for not talking to her when I should have at a rational manner.  I get it I made a god damn fucking mistake. It bothers me to know that my brother thinks so poorly of his intelligent little sister. He needs to cut me some slack I have done so much more, experienced so much more , and I am furthering my education by choice and I love learning. I want to become something greater and I will be fucking damned if wants to tell me fucking other wise. It is immature of him to fucking tell met hat I could not go back to college. I don’t care. He also thought that spending money at the gym was stupid. Dude you shitting me? Its a place for me to work out and feel good about my body. Remember as kids how you used to tease me call me names and say how fat I was and stuff? Can’t do that now can you jerkoff AH.

See why I didn’t want to come home? I have felt so unwanted in so many places that its taking a toll on me and no one has seemed to notice. I hate this town, and the things that it makes me feel inside. I feel like I am being poisoned more and more everyday.

 

And I am proud of myself for not having a mental break down about missing my boyfriend so fucking much. I am such in a mood today with the way some of my family members have been treating me. Just fuck. I didn’t even get a welcome home from my brother when I got into the car. Just all of a sudden a fucking bitch fest started because my mom asked how the flight was and I started to talk and my brother goes “WHY YOU DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FUCKING BE SO MISBERABLE?” I just stopped talking to the both of them. I took my bag laid down in the back and just ignored them. I hate being degraded . I guess you could say I have some….brother issues that I don’t think well ever be resolved in the near future. I hate this. So grumpy.

 

I need to study and start to think straight. I should have had more coffee one is simply not enough for me.

AIrpot Blunders

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I have to say that this morning came way too fast for my liking. I woke up from an odd dream of a two crippled men in wheelchairs who were friends one killed the other by stomping on him with his wheel chair. I don’t know what that means but  I am intrigued.

 Yesterday was slightly bitter sweet. We got everything done, laughed, argued, I cried, and then we spent the entire afternoon watching Rugby. It has become our new favorite sport and it was fun, rather hot out. I tried keeping an open mind to everything. Granted I just wanted him all to myself which I did. We went to dinner, where he told me that he was going to miss me more than anything, and he loves me more than anyone and will call me as often as he can , when he can. Then he bought me this BEAUTIFUL ring. Its not an engagement ring but I am wearing it on my ring finger to tell those who are interested NOT to mettle.

Last night of love making was sensual, where he held my face and told me that he loved me and that I am the best girlfriend in the entire world, how much I loved him, how beautiful I am and how I love him no matter what. Sleep was off and on, from the dream, as well as then waking up at 2 am and then just waking up at 3:30 just watching him sleep. It was slightly creepy I am sure but love makes you do strange things. But it not creepy. Its normal love right?

At the airport I started to cry and he seemed like he had tears in his eyes or just really tired. I am going with the latter because I don’t know what is true.

At the airport I fucking started to panic because my barcode kept saying invalid. WTF. I started to sweat a little bit to only look up and realize I was in the wrong area. FUCK ok got that done. Then going through TSA I was yelled at because I forgot to take my phone out of my pocket and I had my sunglasses on my head. UGH. But I finally made it. I did this all by myself. YAY.

Got coffee in my travel mug, just about to board to PHL and I hope that my back pack fits in the over head. I am fucking stuck in the middle but It cant be that bad. I am going to get into line now. Wish me luck

In a glass case of emotion

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Just as the title says. I am in a glass case of emotion, to which I cry and screaming on the inside fighting back the tears when on the outside I am bubbly and smiling.

I feel as though today more than ever that my boyfriend is detaching himself from me, I feel empty so fucking empty. He still hasn’t done or said anything to me in a kind loving manner. If he doesn’t say anything to me tonight or before I board my plane tomorrow its not going to end well.

We still have to go and get some last minute items because god for bid there are just so much one human being can really take.

I a try and drink my coffee but it is turning  in my stomach and I feel ill. I feel ill with the loss of my best friend over a job of a life time. And no one, NO ONE has bothered to ask me how I feel. Because like said it isn’t about me. I am just the girl friend. Nothing more, perhaps something less.

I just needed to get my anger out. Once I am back home I will be going through a lot of anger stages and hating everything and everyone in may path. I have school starting and I need to finish my financial aid as well, god damn I cannot be that person to sign that document that I will be owing the 21,000 dollars. FUCK ME….but…but…I have too and  know this. I have to do it and I don’t want to I just …..so frustrated beyond belief

and I am starting to panic that my stuff isn’t going to make it to my moms house….god I hate everything.  My make up looks fantastic I am dolled up for my boyfriend who I hasn’t even noticed. I am getting all worked up over what he would consider nothing. But like I said my feelings and emotions are null and void …because his are the only ones that matter and if I were to open my mouth I am the bad guy.

I have to go.

It’s the final count down!

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So as the days and hours are dwindling down to when I go back to the homestead, today has been a somber day. Personal reflection and depression as slowly started to creep in to me, devouring every light that is left inside of me. The actuality that I am not going to see my boyfriend for 6 months has gotten in a stage of feeling blank. I was doing his laundry as he decided to work every day up until his departure which I personally felt that it was selfish not to spend an entire day wit me. I just wanted a little US time before he left. And I mean by that doing something fun, laughing and feeling the love that we share between us. But no…he said “I need the money.” The man is going to be freaking loaded OK? But he is a grown man and he makes his own big kid decisions. And sometimes I am not in the decision process, not even a thought, not even a gesture.

With all of these sad and depressing thoughts have entered my brain I was plugging away as well today at my college work. I am not officially an SNHU student I got my books ordered for the term, I am only taking ONE class just to get back into the swing of things. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and I thought….this is my time. When I get home, to fully let everything go really do some soul searching. And if my boyfriend wants that still with me, we can grow again. This is going to either make or brake us. I am 25 years old and I have given him everything of me. But I have realized that I always did what he wanted to do. It was a one way street. That is not how a relationship works. So I realized this relationship for certain periods of time were very unhealthy. I am in love with him more than words could describe, I want to be his wife some day. This time apart will I hope for his end make him want me more. Or perhaps he wont want me anymore. And if that time comes….breathing, tears down my face it will be something I will either live with or against.  Love is grand and he is my world. My best friend, my lover, my koala bear, my love love. HIs arms always wrapping around me holding me, tickling me, poking me, horsing around. What have you. I told him last night as we were lying in bed that I just wanted something from him before or on Sunday morning before my flight, at least words of pure loving coming from him and not “ya I love you.” to me that is not enough. Humans throw the I LOVE YOUS out to anything and anyone like its another tissue, and I am not going to be the snotty one that gets thrown away that easily. He said he would find something to express himself because he isn’t a very emotional man but this is something that I down right deserve.

I have been packing and unpacking my bags, trying to get everything all set and ready to go. I am so excited to start school and start learning new things, I am nervous and excited to start working again with my sister in-law. I am about to burst to hug my Grampa I am in stoked to surprise him!

I know that I have wonderful friends back home who are willing to take care of me they have already told me so, I also have some friends I am going to reconnect with some old friends. And I am excited about it. Slightly nervous about reconnecting with one but I have a good head on my shoulders and I think I can take care of things on my own. I have to learn how to take care of things on my own now. I have a lot to learn.

My boyfriend should be home soon and we have a lot to do tonight. I hope he does something lovely for me but I am not going to be holding my breath because I don’t want to be stabbed again, considering I am already bleeding enough as it is.

You can only learn so much and live.

 

Packing Complete, 6 years of missing you, pain, and new begginings

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I have officially finished up packing my belongings today. It cost me quite a bit and I am upset. I am not upset about the price because I knew it was going to be quite pricey but I am upset with my boyfriend who didn’t even make an effort to want to help me send my things home. Considering he is the reason that I am going back home in the first place it upsets me. I looked at him as we walked out of the UPS store and said “see how much your adventure just cost me to send my shit home?” He rolled his eyes and then proceeded to remind me that he spent “over a grand in gas to drive out here.” ….umm yeah with the intention of not moving back home to which the winter months and the things I have spent on him has over calculated the gas money by a lot.  So I am feeling a little upset/anger towards him. He gets to go to LA, and Australia and New Zeeland places I want to travel so much. I mean he is spending fun time in those places its just those are plane stops before he gets to Antarctica. I am upset that he doesn’t seem to care or it doesn’t seem to bother him the amount of not only heartache but stress he has bestowed upon me on his departure for 6 months. I will go home, and go through the stages of grieving like I have lost my lover  I also feel as though he will never return to me again. Yet he will in due to time….but I really have to dig deep into myself as well on what I want, things everything. I feel like I am a butterfly about to crawl into an emotional cocoon to wait 6 months and evolve into something greater than a butterfly. it will either make or break me. I have to wait…because you can only learn so much and live.

 

Also today has been a somber day in itself for me. Its been 6 years since the passing of my best friend, my mother figure, my Grandmother to cervical cancer. It still burns my soul to this day, seeing her lying there in that hospital, tubes unable to speak and yet her eyes were still so blue, tears knowing she wasn’t able to come home again. I just remember holding her hand as she tried to write asking about her shoes, and then telling me that there was money under the bed that she was saving, saving for me. No one knew, not even Grampa knew about the money. I asked her what was the money for. I remember her shrugging and shaking her head since she couldn’t speak. I asked her “for whatever?” She nodded. When we all made it home, a day or two came and went after her passing, I remember being alone in the house, with my thoughts, my heart feeling empty and alone, scared and lost. I walked into my Grandparents bedroom, and started to lift the covers up to look under the bed. I saw her shoes, I grabbed them removing them slowly, carefully as if they were to crumble in my hands. There, was an old safe box that my Grampa has to collect his coins. I grabbed it feeling its weight and sat it on my lap. I took a deep breath as tears were flowing and opened it. There was an envelope with money like she had written down. “Not even Grampa knows?” I could hear my own voice asking her that day. I held the money close to my chest. There was so many options I could do this money. There was a little over 200 dollars she saved, I wanted so badly to go do stupid things with that money. But I didn’t. I waited till the family got home and handed the money over to my Grandfather because he needed the money more than me. It would have made my Gram proud anyways. And I knew she was. I can still hear your laughter in my head and it fills my chest with love. I can still hear her yelling at my Brother and I for being stupid and fighting. I can still hear her say “you will publish something someday all you do is write.” She has always been my biggest supporter with my writing. I read her everything, she sat and listened, she loved when I would sing Charlotte Church, not so much my hard rock bands, but she said it was what my mom did. She loved that I could read and play music. She pushed me on my college work. When she passed I took a year off. And yet….I met my boyfriend a month to the day she passed away on our first date. I always thought and have believe she gave him to me for something, a reason, grated we aren’t perfect but….she would have loved him. They are both quiet people but yet I think there is this silent communication between quiet people that they just KNOW. Where ever my Gram is I hope she is proud of me and saying everything is going to be ok. I miss her smile, her laugh, her corn chowder, her silent love. Her hug would make all my pain melt right now. (along with my dad too) But I get to surprise my Grampa and she would like that.

 

Also today I have reconnected with a very….VERY old friend. It is quite complicated and I am slightly nervous about seeing this person, and yet not at the same time. That is for another blog write up in itself.

 

Dear Lover

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I try to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions.

When I see you my chest tightens and my mouth instantly turns into a smile, and sometimes I feel like I am losing my senses. How to walk, talk, think, perhaps not being to cognitively put an actually sentence together when I try to speak—to you.

I am in love with how you smirk at me when you come home from work, and when you walk through the door in those dusty work boots and how your hips sway from the weight of them. I love how your hands know a hard days work and yet know a goods night love making.

I love how your lips are so soft, softer than mine on my skin and soul, how you touch every single part of me. Your smile fills me up like your laughter does and my heart wants to burst with love.

And I am still trying to collaborate words to tell you my love for you. I can show you more than words by having you in my arms and being together lying naked in bed in any kind of weather.

I love when you kiss me and I can feel on my cheek you are smiling, or when you simply laugh at my silliness. I love your quiet I love yous, to your verbal ones. I love your knowledge of all boyish manly things against my nerdy bookish nature. I know through it all I am the one you truly love. No matter what mountains we climb, oceans we cross. The love is there.

I love how pasta is your favorite meal to my meatloaf or me just paying for dinner. I love you when words run short or my mouth goes dry and I cannot shout or speak (for once right?) And yet I feel like I am stumbling for the right words for you. Because I want them to be perfect for you like you are for me. You have the most beautiful brown eyes, and such amazing thick hair that I love to run my fingers through. Your body itself is a master piece crafted from a hard manual labor. I love caressing your strong arms and down your muscular back all the way to your perfect plump hiney that I have an unusually unhealthy obsession with. I crave to touch you from your head down to your thick manly thighs. I see you and I become weak, I tremble before you. You are my Kryptonite. My knight and shining armor, my Koala Bear my love love my ink to my pen to which my love can flow from. My everything and more.

But deep down I should know by now that “I love you” should be enough. But its not—not for me. I will keep searching through very empty ice cream containers we share, through my tears of laughter, and sometimes sadness, through the rough times for me to be able to collaborate the right words for you. Being in love with you has brought me the most greatest gift.

There are so many reasons why I am in love with you, and here again I am trying to find the right words to tell you. You came into my life at a time where I thought there was no such thing as love anymore. We were essentially kids and we have grown up together, basically, learning the ins and outs as kids, to adults on what love is. We have been through so much, put each other through so much. And as I try to collaborate the right simplistic words to say to you on my love for you, I am stumbling. From every single adventure we have embarked together, long car rids, giggling, sitting silently in the dark watching tv shows and movies, my love is an aurora around you. Your strength, your smarts, you are so intelligent and so talented. You are the most hardworking man I have ever meet, someone who always has a plan, a doer not a follower, you are a leader. You want something you get it, do it show it. But are so quiet about the whole ordeal. You are like fog against the mountains still hauntingly beautiful to look at but consuming. I am consumed by you. Underneath your quiet exterior I have seen you at your greatest and I have seen you at your weakest. I have brought strength and weakness to you, as you have done for me.

I love you with so much muchness that sometimes I feel that I don’t have much muchness to give, or I give to much and I am squeezing you like a little child holding a puppy for too long. You are going on an adventure of a life time, and this time I cannot follow suit. The real test of love is holding on and I will be holding on for you like I am on a war ship crashing into waves in the Bering Sea, longing to reach you on an island to which I will attack you like a pirate grabbing on to your booty. No matter how far you will be you will always be right there in a pocket of my heart. I want you to never let me go never stop thinking of me, or stop loving me. Because when you return back into my arms I am safe, I am comforted, I am loved. By you. I need you.

And still as I try to find the right simplistic words to say to you about my love for you, so many memories come flooding in. So many small details of our lives I have kept in the vault of my memory. I find myself often thinking of these memories and smiling alone, looking like an idiot if for anyone to have seen me may think of me a fool, or even disturbed. I would rather call it gifted because I have been gifted with love. And as I write this the tears flows because I have so much emotion, so much of myself that I have given to you, and I want you to have. I now you are man of little to no words, a man who doesn’t fully express himself. I have for years struggled with this, not understanding how someone cannot free themselves of what is inside and express to their lover. I know now (I hope.) and as you always say that is who you are. You are who you are, and for you being you is who I have fallen in love with. The manly man of all manly things, being, the Goliath, the Hercules, Knight and Shining Armor, my fantasy Stable Boy, my best friend. There is nothing I want to do more for you is be that one person, that one woman you crave, yearn, need, and love more.

Through searching the millions of words to express myself, I am still trying to find the right ones to say to you. I want you to smile, think of the happiest time we have spent, keep that close, think of me as you are cold at night and I will warm you. No matter what the distance is I am close to you, I want to be in a pocket of your heart. Make you smile like a gifted person too.

I will once again, hear those heavy work boots come through the front door and watch as your hips sway from the weight of them, soon enough I will see that smirk on your face that makes me melt inside. I will have those kisses on my cheek and forehead, all over my body. I will be there with you in the cold cold nights. I will be there when you need. I love you more than words can be put together. I am your biggest fan, your loudest cheerleader, the one besides your mother who will love you the most.

And yet I am still trying to collaborate words and piece them together into syllables of simplistic sentences of my emotions to tell you my love for you. But perhaps that will have to take a life time, and I want to share and spend that life time with you.

 

Airlines, Death of a Star, and Madness.

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IBeen wrapping things up here getting ready for the treck home…and  I am still in shock and I cannot believe I am actually leaving…SHIT I am in shock my boyfriend is leaving!  

 Also we have lost an amazing actor today in Hollywood. Robin Williams. He took his own life this morning and I am so heart broken…he was such an amazing actor. He had drug issues as well as depression and its understandable. This is why I want to go back to school to help people. To help them with their struggles.  It something that I think I am very good at. There was something else that was going on with his life that he thought that it was much better to go, leaving his wife and children, (grandchildren?) behind. We as humans are always fighting a hard battle. Sometimes those who smile the most are the ones who struggle the most. My heart is sad for his family and as a fan I am sad and heart broken, confused and wondering why? Like everyone else. Death to some, is nothing but an escape, unwanted, unexpected, timed, or needed. I cannot tell you myself for I have thought about my own death. I have even tried taking my own life…on more than one occasion. Sad. I know, I know that suicide is selfish to my family. Am I calling Robin Williams selfish? I don’t know….I am sad that he is gone. No more amazing movies to come, his tv show, his comedy, just him himself. We don’t know what he was dealing with inside and for how long.  I want to study behavioral science. To try and find out why humans think, react, and do things they do. I just wish that he got the help that he KNEW was out there for him….he must have thought that it was easier to let thing go and just…find silence within himself. Death is never easy for anyone. No matter what the situation is. And you know what? It doesn’t matter that he was a famous celebrity. Could have gone to rehab again? Yes. Could he have done something with money? Yes. Pain is pain. NO matter what the issues he was dealing with. Drugs, depression, what have you. It was his struggle his life. His pain. NO money can ease any sort of pain that is inside. NO matter what. I just wish myself personally that love could have been enough for him. Love saved me. And I am heartbroken.

 

On a totally different and unrelated notion I bought my one way ticket back home. Told my mother and she is more than thrilled that I am coming home. Granted it is not what I really wanted to but it is what it is. It took me 2 beers to click and get things ready to go. I hated myself for spending so much money on a one way flight. But I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend. And I am. I also sent out TWO boxes UPS to my mothers house. Not what I wanted to do either. Also SNHU is being a fucking pain in my ASS. UGH. I hope tomorrow there will be more progress. It also didn’t help that I also drank A LOT of Gin but its all good. I am good.

Just sitting on the couch watching Air Force One with another love Harrison Ford, my love, just trying to make things ok before he is gone for 6 months. I am dying. I am…dying on the inside. I mean not really but emotionally. I have had so much being thrown at me this year that its insane. I want to be able to connect with old friends back home maybe really work on my relationship with my family. I also feel that my boyfriends mom is avoiding me at all cost because of reason of unknown. Has he told her that he wanted to end the relationship and she is keeping her distance? am I overreacting like I always do? I don’t know.

I need to go and find something to eat my head is killing me and I am getting tired. GAH. Sunday I am off back home…and I have never been more afraid in all of my life.