A Whole Lot of IF’S

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So there comes a time in our lives where we sit back and go. “Have I really done enough?” I am only 25 years old and I don’t understand half of the things I have put myself through. For what? Nothing. I keep having dreams about going to colleges. Is this my subconscious telling me I need to go back for something else? Maybe. Now how about this? My boyfriend and I have moved to Colorado from New Hampshire in November because thanks to him he got a job working at a resort running snowcats and he has always wanted to go here. I got my job we moved, I suffered with a shitty roommate, season ended and now he has been working on becoming a cop because he went to school for it. So as he is waiting on the department he has been working at a construction company and he hates it. He is just burnt out and I can fully understand that. He has been doing it for so long and now that he has a career in mind he wants to start it. So now he has been applying to different places and now he has an opportunity to go run a machine in Antarctica. 

Wow.

Here are a few issues. He wants to go but is confused on the timing because of the academy. So is this something to take up and miss out on his dream career or just he go take a job of a life time and then leave me behind for a few months? Now I am being utterly selfish as I should here’s why.

We moved 2,000 miles away from our families. But he has family here that we are currently staying with. I don’t get to see mine ever. Just phone calls. We moved out here to start our new life and become established and start building ourselves. Now saying he takes the job…what about me? I am not allowed to go, so do I go back to New Hampshire? Do I wait it out and wait for him so he can have fun? Why keep moving place to place all because he wants to do something. Do I stay in Colorado? Its frustrating and confusing at the same time. I also don’t want to be that girl friend who holds him back on things but I also don’t want to lose him either. And of course me being me…what about my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation? Do I keep my mouth shut because if I do voice my feelings it ends up as a fight….because of my emotions. I have a right to voice them but I don’t to cause an issue either because he is already confused in the first place. I don’t want to keep adding to it. 

So my heart is pounding against my chest. My thoughts are going all over the place. I don’t know what I am going to do if it takes it. He better have that planned too then I guess. 

My life. A complicated hot mess. 

You Need To Let Yourself Fall

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everyinkspotblog:

Being able to let yourself fall is the greatest thing that anyone can do. You learn from your mistakes you live and learn. I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen only to rise again and again. Whatever knocks you down get up. Sometimes you are allowed to be weak, you are allowed to sad, depressed and down right miserable. I am still learning and I am still here. This was a fantastic write.

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

So you’ve had your heart broken like it couldn’t ever be pieced together again. You’ve been rejected, mistreated and hurt. You’ve cried your heart out and abused your liver and your legs by consuming too many alcoholic drinks every night and countless trips to one bar after another in fruitless attempts to dance your pain away, or more. You feel like nobody could ever understand your heartache and you know your friends think you’re being stupid because you’ve ignored any advice that could have otherwise kept you from breaking in the first place. You have sworn off love in hopes of keeping whatever sanity you have left.

It’s okay.

Wise lyrics from The Script once said: “Cause when a heart breaks, no it don’t break even.”

You might have loved more in the relationship. You might have given more, and in the end…

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Storms and Tea and Naps?

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I wanted to sleep all day. I don’t know why either. Last night I went to bed at a decent time too with my boyfriend and we laid there with the windows open just listening to the rain. There was thunderstorm and it was so romantic in itself. When he left for work I just wanted to sleep forever. I don’t know what came over me. I felt so tired still, so depressed that getting out of the covers and turning the fan off just seemed utterly impossible.

My boyfriend didn’t have work again today and that was good/bad at the same time. I love spending time because I know pretty soon hopefully if I ever get a fucking job I wont ever see him because I will be working weekends I am sure. And insert the high anxiety NOW to all the endless possibilities of what will happen then.

I have been drinking tea all day (after two cups of coffee.) and I just want to sleep still. I feel out of it, and detached from everyone. Like I feel like I am not welcomed anymore in the house, I feel that my weight gain is getting out of control. I am being mocked since I don’t have a job right now. I just…I don’t know.

I want to sleep for a little while. Just a little while…

Sizing up?

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For some reason all day I thought that today was July 13, why I am not quite sure but it has just stuck with me good thing I didn’t write any checks or someone asking me what the date was because I would have been wrong all together. 

Anywho.

Today is Monday (I know this) the early Morning came too fast for me as my boyfriend kissed me goodbye as he was leaving for work, I remember falling back into a restless slumber to only awaken to my bladder violently screaming at me. I bolted up and grabbed some cloths to throw on real quick. When a noise caught me off guard. I could hear someone in the bathroom that my boyfriend and I use. I go in and there is the Aunt going at the toilet with a plunger. “Nope don’t use this toilet.” she said. “WHY?!” I said for I was crossing my legs. “Its clogged I don’t know what is wrong with this damned thing.” I roll my eyes and turn around to go downstairs to use that one. I got half way down the lower level when I see my boyfriend sitting in the chair, using his computer. “Hey baby!” I shouted and ran up to him “What are you doing here?” He started to giggle he has such a cute man giggle. (that is possible believe me I know.) He said “Got sent home.” my mind is now starting to panic thinking that he quite or he said something, but he is a man of little words so that wouldn’t be possible. So I give him this look like wtf and said it was because of the rain last night it was too muddy to work on the project. I was happy he was home in a way I guess I acted like a little child I still get butterflies when I see him. Yes almost 6 years together the man makes me gitty still that is one of the things I consider love. Then it hit me. I had to pee. So I kissed him on the cheek and ran to the bathroom and peed. After that I came back out and said I should go put a bra on. He laughed and I went back upstairs. I looked at the aunt and said What a surprise downstairs! She laughed. I changed and came back to make my morning coffee. I wasn’t really feeling well either. But something was bothering me. It was the way my boyfriend was so quiet and I could see the look in his face. He was not pleased. I knew exactly what it was. He has been upset lately because working construction has burnt him out. He is done. He is beyond sick of doing it. The pay may be good but he isn’t the guy. He has been thinking about the military again and feels out of it because he has to drop the weight. I told him that I will help and support him no matter what he decides to do. (and if so there needs to be a ring on my left hand.) 

So I let him be as he was applying to different places, I asked him about his cop things and he said he was looking. I have learned over the years now when he is upset like this just let him do his own thing. I know that in the past when he gets like this we tend to but heads and we each do stupid things that hurt one another. (Makes no sense I know believe me my life.) He took a break to help the aunt use the neighbors shop-vac to unclog the toilet. Come to find out it was a chicken bone. WEIRD. After that was over my boyfriend looked at me and said “did you do that?” What what WHAT?? I shook my head and said “No why would I do something that stupid?” he shrugs and said “Because of the stuff you do.” I could taste my coffee turning sour in my stomach and the sides of my jaw clenching up at this. He walked past me, leaving his scent of old-spice spray behind. I held myself pretty well. I am not sure if he really fully understood what he said, and in the tone of how he said it. When he is in bad mood his whole tone changes, his voice, the way that he speaks and its always towards me. I didn’t want to start a fight especially over my emotions because according to him I over react. I made another instant coffee held my tears back. I kept saying in my head “let the words go, let the words go.” deep breaths. I grabbed my Kindle and just started talking to a friend on Facebook who made me feel better. In away I understand the words said to me, because of my eating disorder but to assume I would be that ignorant to place a bone down the toilet is insane. I know bones can clog a toilet. Words can hurt. I then started to feel depressed, sadden, and all that normal things that tends to happen when I feel down. After an hour or so I laid down on the couch, feeling very VERY defeated, started to fall asleep. When the boyfriend asked me what I wanted for lunch. I said nothing because I wasn’t hungry. He laid down next to me and cuddled and asked why I was upset and being a lounge lizard. I shrugged. I was not about to mention it. After about 10 minutes of silence my boyfriend goes. “I am sorry if what I said seemed offensive, I didn’t mean it like that or saying it I guess. You are doing so well and I am proud of you I am sorry. Do you want to get Sushi for lunch?” WINNER. He for once THOUGHT about it! I am proud of HIM for realizing he did make me upset. So I got Sushi for lunch :)

Later we went to Wal-Mart and I cashed my checks from my old job (Bonus Checks I guess? SCORE) and I bought not afraid to admit it either I needed shorts. And a summer dress. I tried looking for new bra’s as well but that didn’t happen. I felt a little bad for myself because I just wanted my boobs to be perky and bigger. Also trying on Wal-Mart clothing is tedious for me. Size 4 is too big and a size 3 juniors are a little snug but fit. Messed up much? I 12 year old girl was looking at me funny as I was shopping in the juniors section. I just tilted my head and said excuse me as I was trying to grab a pair of shorts behind her. I didn’t get them anyways but such is life. As I was in and out of the fitting room I started to think about last summer when I was 117 pounds and dying and how my bones were sticking out everywhere and how my legs looked so frail in jean shorts. Now I am a little toned, I have hips and a tummy. I looked long and hard at myself. I did for a while wanted to be that skinny again, have all those whispers said, all the jealous looks from girls. But you know something? I still do in a way. I look healthy and that should be what girls should be jealous about. HEALTHY BODIES. It is slowly making sense to me. Granted everyday seems like a challenge and a personal goal to not self harm. It sucks. I walked out with 3 size 4 shorts (one actually a squirt my boyfriend picked it out and it was cute!) and one new summer dress size Medium and for once I am so proud of myself for my purchase. Not the lady at the check out she was bitching she was trying to close up and she just wanted to help me go but she kept repeating she wanted to leave it was time for her to leave. I almost said something but since my boyfriend was with me I didn’t. I can be quite a verbal bitch when something like this happens. and one of the shorts I bought didn’t have a tag and that was just THE WORST THING EVER. Come on, I didn’t bitch when I had to wait 15 minutes at the service desk because only 2 people were there. Why at Wal-Mart there are a billion registers but like 4 lanes open? boggles my mind. 

I drove to Wal-Mart and back home. I get nervous I am still not used to the roads here but I didn’t get killed or kill anyone. 

So all and all does size matter? I am learning no. What matters is sizing up meaning be who you want to be. Fill yourself up with greatness and everyone will see beauty in every in and every pound. I am me and that is never going to change. 

Wildlife and no words?

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Just got back from a lovely drive in the Rocky Mountain National Forest, went on Trail Ridge Road. They boyfriend wanted to go for a nice drive and we did! Got up early this morning to change the oil in the truck, turns out he decided to do more than that with a tire rotation and have the air filter changed. The wait felt forever. But I am glad that there was a tv because Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was on ABC Family and that made my morning go by quick. 

Driving up through the mountains was so breath taking. Being a New Englander there are of course beautiful mountains. But out here in Colorado it really puts the icing on the cake here. I got to see Elk, a moose and a other woodland animals. I have indeed moved to a beautiful state. 

Driving home though I felt a little distracted. My mind was all over the place making me forget the amazingness I just experienced. I got to over thinking that I am nothing but a loser because I haven’t gotten a job yet to also over thinking that something wasn’t quite right with my relationship, I got this weird feeling that I am just not good enough. See depression comes at me all at once and its not fair. Crazy isn’t it? 

Now we are home and the rain has started, I am trying to be positive and not let my brain take over everything that I think and feel. Its stupid how that happens. I need to stop allowing the past ruin everything for me because I then get all anxious and then ask questions which leads to fights that aren’t even worth it! Its a struggle but I am feeling slightly drained at the moment and for once I feel like I am lost for words. I don’t understand this either because I am always so full of things to say….today not so much even though I saw breath taking wildlife and natures beauty today. 

 

Another One Bites the Dust

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FAILURE: 

Definition of FAILURE

1
a :  omission of occurrence or performance; specifically :  afailing to perform a duty or expected action <failure to pay the rent on time>
 

(1) :  a state of inability to perform a normal function<kidney failure> — compare heart failure (2) :  an abrupt cessation of normal functioning <a power failure>

 

c :  a fracturing or giving way under stress <structuralfailure>

2
a :  lack of success
 

b :  a failing in business :  bankruptcy

3
a :  a falling short :  deficiency <a crop failure>
 

b :  deteriorationdecay

4
:  one that has failed

Writing

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I was trying to think of something positive to blog about today. So I am just reflecting on my day so far.

I woke up in a panic as usually, since my boyfriend gets up pretty early for work I am left alone with my own mental devices and fall back into a coma with weird dreams of me walking into a school looking for someone. Don’t know who I was looking for but I guess it was pretty damned important. Woke up again because I didn’t want to sleep in too late. Also mostly because I can sleep till noon time without feeling guilty of my lazy-ass doing so. But since my boyfriend and I are staying with his Aunt and Uncle who are early risers I didn’t want to be that girl that they whisper about being lazy. I got up around 9 had my morning coffee, checked my email for jobs, then got dressed to run some errands with the Aunt. Its always nice getting out of the house you know? We went to Goodwill to donate items and other things when all of a sudden we had to go home because the truck told us that there was low tire pressure. Oh…damn. Well then off we went to check the tire pressure at the homestead. Yes one tire was in-fact low so we waited a little while to see if it was going to get worse. 45 minutes later to the hour the Aunt said we were waiting (close enough.) She checked the tire again and it was still the same. So we made the trip to the grocery store pretty damned fast. We were going to go to the mall so she could get her wedding bands cleaned but she didn’t want to risk it. I agreed because that would have been a hell of a walk back to the house if the tire was flat. So tonight the Uncle will hopefully fix the tire. 

Tomorrow I have a job interview with the local zoo and I am sick to my stomach about it. I have a feeling I have the job but its only going to pay 12 an hour and I have to work weekends. Lame but at this point I really don’t care because I need money.

So now just sitting in the kitchen looking up horror things. I am not allowing my weight bother me today. I feel stupid about being so depressed yesterday about the whole thing. I know I have even said that everyone should love themselves. But having an eating disorder is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I can beat this on my own but really I can’t. Someday. Someday I will be able to control it.