Depression and lack of affection.

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Its kind of amazing what a human being call feel all at once. Basically my life so far has been work, school, avoiding certain people of this shit whole town, beer and cigarettes and wondering how long can I really last here? Being in this town has done nothing but drain me and and of my existence. Its already October and the leaves are so beautiful here and its getting colder which makes me more nervous for the winter season that is approaching. I have bad seasonal depression its scary. I know I should go see a doctor but I can’t. I have no money or health insurance.

I am trying to maintain a good friendship with my sister-inlaw. And I am still trying to work out a good healthy relationship with my mother but that in itself is a fucking war-zone party here. I keep thinking I am going to fail school but all of a sudden BOOM 90 on my essay that I cranked out in a matter of 4 hours and I have no idea what the hell I was talking about. I am lacking sleep and I feel like a zombie.

Went to the fair last night with my mother and I do have to say that it was fun, and we did enjoy ourselves. We have our days and its disgusting when she can be so fucking vial. And then she points at me. Wonder where I learned it mommy dearest? Calling the kettle black are we?

My boyfriend seems to be doing just fine alone with out me. Though he sends me sweet Facebook messages and calls me beautiful and he realized that he had made a mistake and that he really wants to marry me etc. Calls me beautiful almost every night. He just really doesn’t get it. I am still hurt and angry, livid he left me alone as usual. I am just all messed up. I am starting to panic that I can’t take this life anymore or the shit that he deals me. This is a real test of love if I can manage and survive without him.

I am getting heartburn because I am retarted and stressing myself out. I am tired been doing school work since 10:30 been up since 7:30 blah. Not ok. I have so much to do its crazy. Got to be at work for tomorrow. I am getting so lonely and depressed. Angry and confused. I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I need love and affection.

Fuck.

Long Time….

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It has been a while since I posted last. I have been working on getting my grades topnotch as well as trying to get back in to the swing of working in the restaurant business again. It is tiring but I have had the week off to get back on my feet with school.

I still have a heavy heart due to circumstances that I learned when I got home about my boyfriend and our friend. He sent be beautiful flowers and I guess I have another gift coming next week for me. Its been over a month since I have last seen him and I am dying. I feel hollow at times especially at night because I cannot think and when I do its always dangerous. I feel jaded, I feel used. I feel so wounded its not fair. I want to do something destructive myself but its not right and I know this. I just drink till I fall asleep again and that isn’t healthy. I am becoming paranoid if I don’t get back to the gym I am going to become morbidly obese again. I need to do something constructive with my life…I know I am going school for something that I have always been passionate about. I want to help people. I guess my boyfriend was right when he said I need to help myself before I can help others.

I guess I feel defeated because I hate when I am always right about things that hurt the most. And yet as I look in the mirror I see black eyes looking back at me sneering at my own injustice. Lately men have been crawling out of the woodwork to “be my friend.” and wanting to take me out on dates. DUDE did you not see I am in a fucking relationship?! I fucking hate this hell whole town. Everyone is poison and I hate it with a passion. I want to scream and run away already. Been one month and I am starting to get sick when I come into town. I get angry easy and frustrated. My patience is running on a thin line and I am afraid of the day that it will snap or something.

I am waiting on one friend of mine that I hope has made a change in her life. I told myself when I cam home that I was going to separate myself from her because of her life style and the fact of how she doesn’t like my relationship with my boyfriend. She isn’t jealous she is just worried he is going to hurt me again and again. She has been there at the worst times, my boyfriend and I were having a really hard time and she only sees the bad. I told her he can be a douchebag but hes mine. I am just trying to focus on school work at the library. I have always loved this library. Perhaps its the only good thing about this fucking hell whole town.

Negligence, Pain, Love, Hate, School.

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I know that it has been a long time since I have written anything. Since I have been home I haven’t really had time too blog, or wanted too–there has just been so much that I have been dealing with and I just am tired. So mentally tired from all the stress, pain and hurt. 

Since my stepfathers funeral I thought things were going on the right track, I was trying to stay focused on school, talking to my boyfriend when he could call or get online. I thought that I had my friends back…but no. None of it. NONE OF IT. 

 I have started to slowly sink back in to my old ways again, drinking heavily just to try and sleep, but I don’t sleep even through the pain and droopy eyelids of intoxication I cannot sleep. I have nightmares…nightmares of seeing my stepfather, and what  I just learned that my boyfriend slept with our friend 4 years ago, during a time where we broke up for like a week. I haven’t eaten well, nor taken care of myself. I am trying to numb the pain just to do school work but there even I have lost complete interest in the whole thing. I know its wrong but now i am starting to panic because I can’t drop out now, and I don’t want to have bad grades. 

My so called friends here don’t have time to hang out with me anymore and the last time we spoke they were looking for something, and it was rude. So fucking rude to ask me about that–but couldn’t hang out. I have disassociated myself from them and some others. I also have been sick learning about the events that transpired a few years ago. I really thought that girl was my friend. She said it happened it and was a mistake but she had the fucking audacity to tell me that she had confessed her love to him, but he didn’t say anything back. I hated their friendship for years anyways. I had a gut feeling that something was amiss and I was right. I usually am and I hate that about myself. My boyfriend has explained himself that it was a one time thing, it was over, we were both in  a bad place during one of our dark periods in the relationship that was still essentially fresh for us. I get it. I have done things too but to lie to me all these yeas. He has told me several times now that he wants to marry me, and he wants to meet me in New Zeland were we can visit for 3 weeks when he is done with PEA. He wants to make everything right, he told me, and that he wishes he could have taken it back but of course he can’t. He wants to make me happy. He told the girl that they cannot be friends anymore, because she basically threatened me saying that no matter what she will always be in his life, and that made me unhappy. So he unfriened her on Facebook and told her to that it was time they went their own separate ways and to leave me alone. He said he doesn’t want her to come in-between us. He has changed his attitude since being down in the cold if you will. Usually he would have told me to get over it, and it happened but they are going to be friends. He has said he realized how important I am to him since being there, and that I am the one for him and he cannot say sorry enough for treating me so poorly for years because  I am such an amazing woman. He said he wants to make things right, and be happy and healthy and this is it. I haven’t unfriened her on facebook because she wanted to talk tomorrow, guess she messaged him asking him if he was mad and he just told her that there was no reason to be friends. Mind you this woman was telling me she was an adult now and she didn’t need to explain herself to me, or their friendship. But after a little while the truth came pouring out of her fucking whorish mouth. I hope karma takes place in her life and makes her realize you don’t treat people this way. I knew she was a lying whore and she will always be that way. It is even worse because she has a baby with my boyfriends stepbrother….has she screwed the rest of the brothers? Why not? make it a family affair. I told my boyfriend that I am not allowing her to come in to our lives like this again. She has ruined so much for me. Everything over the past several years now finally makes sense. Her dressing up showing off her tits for him when we would come over for game night, or how she would have to rush in to the bathroom to fix her makeup to be noticed, or how she would just hangout longer than needed when she would come over to study. He told me he isn’t in love with her and never has been, and its always been me. She told me that she confessed her love and she wanted to be with him but he shot her down because he said he is in love with me (this is during idk what breakup) and he couldn’t do that. She told me that she was jealous of my pure devotion to him and only him and she cannot do that with her daughters father. I feel bad for him and I so badly want to tell him all of this. But that would really cause a stir and it will be all my fault and then my boyfriend’s father’s wife would have more fuel to hate me for. But I wasn’t the one who slepted around. I am the one that was lied too and got hurt. 

But for once he is taking my feelings and thoughts into consideration. He said he wants to give me everything that I deserve, such as a ring, the wedding of my dreams, a house, to travel and dog anything he said….anything you want. I want you, and I want to make you happy. 

Wow writing this all down has made my headache go away….that is interesting. I did poorly on one of my quizzes because I have been so worked up, not sleeping, not taking care of myself. Basically just fucking off. I hate how I am always the last person to know everything but I am always the one who pokes the hardest. ….and as the days go by I am really trying to wonder if through all the tears and the lies and heartache….is it really worth it? Is it really worth it for me to wait for him to come back or for me to see him in NZ? Can I trust him? Am I that broken? Am I that fucking damaged now by love that its not worth it anymore. 

 

ALSO my Grandfather has been having good days and bad days with his highblood pressure. Silly old man was eating NOTHING but foods that contained more salt that anything I have consumed in years. Good lord. He is on medication, he is stubborn but I bought good foods for him and he is happy he really likes the Orange Gatorade I wanted him to have it to help with dehydration. He at the doctors now with mom they are taking more blood tests and an x-ray because he is still complaining about headaches. I really can’t lost this man now, not now….not ever really….but…Its not his time. It is not his time for a while and I want him to walk me down the isle at my wedding.  

I am so very tired but I have so much school work, reading I have to write an essay this week, I have to do quizzes. Grampa has to have another medication the doctors think that he has arthritis in his neck that is what is causing the headaches. I suggested getting one of those heating things you throw in the microwave but mom thinks it will be too hot for him so she has an extra heating pad that he can use to lay down on. I guess that could work too so he can sleep better at night. I am just worried.

 

I really should sleep at night but all I want to do is stay up and talk to my love….through all the pain he is the only one I want in this life. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for years and years now…how much more can I take before its too late? 

Grumpy, Family Fude and Studying.

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Oh my god  I have had such a week so far just being back. The night I flew in my sister in-law’s mother had passed away. I have been verbally cut at the knees by my brother more than once, I have been told that I am a horrible person and I am living in my own head, nothing thinking, and I don’t care about anyone else but myself. GO. Figure. I hate the thought that perhaps someday I will be a lot more successful than my brother. I  have for years allowed him to cut down and make me feel like a complete piece of shit. I am now being home am not allowed to feel depressed about my boyfriend going away for 6 months. My brother had to remind me as he picked me up from the air port that I had done this to myself and I am not going to compline about it. Ok. I got it. I am sorry I decided to be the only one to pack up my shit and trying something new for once. I didn’t know that it was a crime to do so.

Its like I don’t do what they want me to do, or if I don’t think the way that they think, I am in the wrong at every level. If I don’t condone their actions I am just a piece of shit.

On a different note my boyfriend had made it safely to New Zealand and has been doing orientation. I had to go to bed last night I was just so exhausted and over worked I needed to sleep so I sent him a nice facebook message and told him that I loved him and miss him. Not only that but I had to get up early with my mom so I could get to the library to start doing school work. All of my personal belongings showed up yesterday and my school book and I am more than eager to finish.

Crap I need to bite the bullet and just do the student loan stuff. I just want to be there for my sister in law but I don’t think that is going to happen because I am known as the conceded piece of shit for not talking to her when I should have at a rational manner.  I get it I made a god damn fucking mistake. It bothers me to know that my brother thinks so poorly of his intelligent little sister. He needs to cut me some slack I have done so much more, experienced so much more , and I am furthering my education by choice and I love learning. I want to become something greater and I will be fucking damned if wants to tell me fucking other wise. It is immature of him to fucking tell met hat I could not go back to college. I don’t care. He also thought that spending money at the gym was stupid. Dude you shitting me? Its a place for me to work out and feel good about my body. Remember as kids how you used to tease me call me names and say how fat I was and stuff? Can’t do that now can you jerkoff AH.

See why I didn’t want to come home? I have felt so unwanted in so many places that its taking a toll on me and no one has seemed to notice. I hate this town, and the things that it makes me feel inside. I feel like I am being poisoned more and more everyday.

 

And I am proud of myself for not having a mental break down about missing my boyfriend so fucking much. I am such in a mood today with the way some of my family members have been treating me. Just fuck. I didn’t even get a welcome home from my brother when I got into the car. Just all of a sudden a fucking bitch fest started because my mom asked how the flight was and I started to talk and my brother goes “WHY YOU DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FUCKING BE SO MISBERABLE?” I just stopped talking to the both of them. I took my bag laid down in the back and just ignored them. I hate being degraded . I guess you could say I have some….brother issues that I don’t think well ever be resolved in the near future. I hate this. So grumpy.

 

I need to study and start to think straight. I should have had more coffee one is simply not enough for me.

AIrpot Blunders

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I have to say that this morning came way too fast for my liking. I woke up from an odd dream of a two crippled men in wheelchairs who were friends one killed the other by stomping on him with his wheel chair. I don’t know what that means but  I am intrigued.

 Yesterday was slightly bitter sweet. We got everything done, laughed, argued, I cried, and then we spent the entire afternoon watching Rugby. It has become our new favorite sport and it was fun, rather hot out. I tried keeping an open mind to everything. Granted I just wanted him all to myself which I did. We went to dinner, where he told me that he was going to miss me more than anything, and he loves me more than anyone and will call me as often as he can , when he can. Then he bought me this BEAUTIFUL ring. Its not an engagement ring but I am wearing it on my ring finger to tell those who are interested NOT to mettle.

Last night of love making was sensual, where he held my face and told me that he loved me and that I am the best girlfriend in the entire world, how much I loved him, how beautiful I am and how I love him no matter what. Sleep was off and on, from the dream, as well as then waking up at 2 am and then just waking up at 3:30 just watching him sleep. It was slightly creepy I am sure but love makes you do strange things. But it not creepy. Its normal love right?

At the airport I started to cry and he seemed like he had tears in his eyes or just really tired. I am going with the latter because I don’t know what is true.

At the airport I fucking started to panic because my barcode kept saying invalid. WTF. I started to sweat a little bit to only look up and realize I was in the wrong area. FUCK ok got that done. Then going through TSA I was yelled at because I forgot to take my phone out of my pocket and I had my sunglasses on my head. UGH. But I finally made it. I did this all by myself. YAY.

Got coffee in my travel mug, just about to board to PHL and I hope that my back pack fits in the over head. I am fucking stuck in the middle but It cant be that bad. I am going to get into line now. Wish me luck

In a glass case of emotion

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Just as the title says. I am in a glass case of emotion, to which I cry and screaming on the inside fighting back the tears when on the outside I am bubbly and smiling.

I feel as though today more than ever that my boyfriend is detaching himself from me, I feel empty so fucking empty. He still hasn’t done or said anything to me in a kind loving manner. If he doesn’t say anything to me tonight or before I board my plane tomorrow its not going to end well.

We still have to go and get some last minute items because god for bid there are just so much one human being can really take.

I a try and drink my coffee but it is turning  in my stomach and I feel ill. I feel ill with the loss of my best friend over a job of a life time. And no one, NO ONE has bothered to ask me how I feel. Because like said it isn’t about me. I am just the girl friend. Nothing more, perhaps something less.

I just needed to get my anger out. Once I am back home I will be going through a lot of anger stages and hating everything and everyone in may path. I have school starting and I need to finish my financial aid as well, god damn I cannot be that person to sign that document that I will be owing the 21,000 dollars. FUCK ME….but…but…I have too and  know this. I have to do it and I don’t want to I just …..so frustrated beyond belief

and I am starting to panic that my stuff isn’t going to make it to my moms house….god I hate everything.  My make up looks fantastic I am dolled up for my boyfriend who I hasn’t even noticed. I am getting all worked up over what he would consider nothing. But like I said my feelings and emotions are null and void …because his are the only ones that matter and if I were to open my mouth I am the bad guy.

I have to go.

It’s the final count down!

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So as the days and hours are dwindling down to when I go back to the homestead, today has been a somber day. Personal reflection and depression as slowly started to creep in to me, devouring every light that is left inside of me. The actuality that I am not going to see my boyfriend for 6 months has gotten in a stage of feeling blank. I was doing his laundry as he decided to work every day up until his departure which I personally felt that it was selfish not to spend an entire day wit me. I just wanted a little US time before he left. And I mean by that doing something fun, laughing and feeling the love that we share between us. But no…he said “I need the money.” The man is going to be freaking loaded OK? But he is a grown man and he makes his own big kid decisions. And sometimes I am not in the decision process, not even a thought, not even a gesture.

With all of these sad and depressing thoughts have entered my brain I was plugging away as well today at my college work. I am not officially an SNHU student I got my books ordered for the term, I am only taking ONE class just to get back into the swing of things. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and I thought….this is my time. When I get home, to fully let everything go really do some soul searching. And if my boyfriend wants that still with me, we can grow again. This is going to either make or brake us. I am 25 years old and I have given him everything of me. But I have realized that I always did what he wanted to do. It was a one way street. That is not how a relationship works. So I realized this relationship for certain periods of time were very unhealthy. I am in love with him more than words could describe, I want to be his wife some day. This time apart will I hope for his end make him want me more. Or perhaps he wont want me anymore. And if that time comes….breathing, tears down my face it will be something I will either live with or against.  Love is grand and he is my world. My best friend, my lover, my koala bear, my love love. HIs arms always wrapping around me holding me, tickling me, poking me, horsing around. What have you. I told him last night as we were lying in bed that I just wanted something from him before or on Sunday morning before my flight, at least words of pure loving coming from him and not “ya I love you.” to me that is not enough. Humans throw the I LOVE YOUS out to anything and anyone like its another tissue, and I am not going to be the snotty one that gets thrown away that easily. He said he would find something to express himself because he isn’t a very emotional man but this is something that I down right deserve.

I have been packing and unpacking my bags, trying to get everything all set and ready to go. I am so excited to start school and start learning new things, I am nervous and excited to start working again with my sister in-law. I am about to burst to hug my Grampa I am in stoked to surprise him!

I know that I have wonderful friends back home who are willing to take care of me they have already told me so, I also have some friends I am going to reconnect with some old friends. And I am excited about it. Slightly nervous about reconnecting with one but I have a good head on my shoulders and I think I can take care of things on my own. I have to learn how to take care of things on my own now. I have a lot to learn.

My boyfriend should be home soon and we have a lot to do tonight. I hope he does something lovely for me but I am not going to be holding my breath because I don’t want to be stabbed again, considering I am already bleeding enough as it is.

You can only learn so much and live.